Don’t expect anything good out of begging for her to come back. If you do that you will resent it and her forever and it will be worse for everyone. Tell her to take a hike. Take the kids and enjoy your life without her.

Why don’t you teach people how to not have sex until they are married. This is a news station not a place to get sexual advice. We don’t want this section on this site, please remove it. It is very offensive and hurts others. How? Your not teaching on how to not have sex but how to make it more fun. Was it fun when JESUS died on the cross? NO? It had to be done. Just like this section being removed has to be done.

Concerned, it must be really boring being a repressed teatottler. Try enjoying sex. You might like it.

My response is to “Concerned.” Please do not assume you speak for everyone or even a majority of the visitors to this website. You have a choice when visiting the site: if you don’t like the topic, don’t click on the link. Don’t ask the administrators to limit what everyone can see because you do not approve. Many people view sex as a normal and necessary part of life, and this includes religious people. Sexual topics should not be considered taboo or dirty. Besides, this particular topic is more advice about life than about sex. The person that sent in the question is going through a very difficult time and wanted advice: sticking your head in the sand and ignoring it because it involves, gasp, sex outside of marriage, isn’t going to make the problem go away. Respect the freedom of speech and expression of everyone, and just do not click on the links you find objectionable. Thanks!

This same thing happened to my cousin just last year, they were married 25 years also.
You have to ask yourself. How will you ever trust her again? I am a Christian as well and if it were just you and her I’d agree with you but what is better for your boys? If she comes back will she leave again? Is that good for your sons?

You know what her history is better than any of us. The fact that she left you and your boys is very sobering. I’ll pray for you.

My husband and I had been married for 10 yrs, with 2 children when I had an affair. My advice on this subject to anyone in this torment is, if the wife trully loves her husband, she will come back when she is ready. I am not saying that anyone should just stick around and wait while the other goes on with their adulturess ways. What happened with my husband and I was, he kept reaffirming his love and his desires for me as a wife, a mother and most of all, as a person. He went out of his way to show me physically and emotionally that he was indeed the same man I had married years ago. The reasons in our marriage that had brought me to the point of having an affair was brought to the fore-front of our conversations and did not stop until we had a resolution to the problems. What we found out was that it was not only myself that was having problems but my husband as well. We both had problems that we did not communicate with each other and so we lost each other. I did not think that he cared or wanted to improve our relationship but all the while, he too was thinking the same things. But most importantly, we each loved each other tremendously even after we had seperated and almost divorced. He did not let me down in letting me know how much he continued to love me even after my affair and I moved out to be with this guy. I came around and realized that the man I had married was indeed the man for me to live the rest of my life with. Had he not fought for me, emotionally and physically, I would have never returned to him. I thank god every day that I did.

Now people, I am not saying that you should hound the other person, harass, intimidate or stalk your spouse. You can communicate your feelings by having adult conversations. One thing I have learned and that is you cannot have productive communications by screaming, yelling or trying to bite each others heads off. What I mean by “physically” in my rampings above is that he proved himself by helping with the kids, the house, the bills, doing the grocery shopping, filling out thank you cards, giving me a day off of being a mom and wife and letting me be me. This list can go on and on. He realized that he needed to be apart of this family, being there and helping us out with day-to-day tasks. Among other things. Communication is the key to success!

Walk away. Nothing good comes of accepting back a person without honor.

Hi, I have a perspective for you. I have been married to my hubby for 15 years and had an affair a couple of years ago. I cannot really tell you why, I really dont know myself. What I do know is that my husband forgave after I repented and we have been through 1 1/2 years of counseling. We have a stronger marriage now than ever and I wouldnt trade it for the world! He trusts me “enough” (I wouldnt expect anything more) and I cherish him more than ever.

I do agree with the “Dr.” that you will need to change as much as your wife will need to. Going back to the “same marriage” will not work.

I pray this gives you hope…I know my hubby lost his for awhile…hang in there and love her….hopefully she will want the pure love over the lust.

A sister in Christ

You know, it’s very easy to poo-poo the person who showed concern about the sexual education commented on in the Sexpert articles. First of all, she shows common sense, regardless of her religious beliefs. Why, I just read a Fox article about a celebrated AIDS medicine that the medical community had high hopes for, but failed. Folks, AIDS has no cure, even after 20 some years of national exposure. It is a death sentence regardless of the super drugs that hold it back so the person can lead some kind of life. The gent that lost his wife because she desired to sample another dish…well, I wouldn’t take her back.

Mister, you may not know what she’ll bring back to nest in your body. That’s some real sex education that doesn’t cost a penny. I’m still so very astonished at the ignorance running around today by the “liberated and sexually aware”. Oh yes….your’re so smart, I forgot.

sounds like she wants more wang, bub. gotta give ‘em what they want, else they’ll eventually get it elsewhere…

Hey ‘Concerned’. I’m a 21 year old guy who is waiting until marriage to have sex. Not because of Jesus, not because of God, not out of fear or shame, but for me. It sucks being so much different than everyone else. It’s boring being on the sidelines. It hurts going against my mind, body, and SOUL. I wouldn’t want anyone else to do this to themselves. Almost everyday I realize how behind I am sexually. Waiting until marriage sucks. There’s no other way to say it. Dr. Yvonne Fulbright shouldn’t be silenced because you disagree. She’s doing a great job keeping her readers informed.

I’ve been down this road and now I’m watching my brother go through it as well. It literally feels as if your heart is being ripped from your chest. I understand fully.

However, if you don’t address this issue head-on, it will ruin your life starting with your job and your credit. Crying and wondering what went wrong is pointless. You’ll never know and you’ll never truly believe a word from her mouth again. You need to move on! Get yourself into counseling now. Ask about antidepressants such as Effexor. Get involved with volunteer organizations where people are experiencing true hardships. Join a gym and exercise every single day. Focus on keeping the rest of your life together. If it spirals out of control and you lose your job, your credit, your house and if you spend your days head hung low, mouth open, no one will ever want you, let alone your cheating spouse.

Trust me, I’ve been there but my life is better now than it ever was before. You’ll get through this, but you’ve got to take the right steps.

Step #1 Say good-bye to the cheater!!

Good luck.

Jim,

The same thing happened to me. I am also a christian, but remember, forgiving someone does not require you to reconcile the relationship.

My advice as some one who has lived it, is to dump her now and do so firmly. Serve her with divorce papers at her work. She will understand that her behavior is totally unaccepatable and that you will not stand for it. If she wants to come back later you can make the decision then. Be wary of the advice of the “experts.” They always blame the victim for the acts of the betrayer. When your wife is out having sex with another man while you are at home taking care of your sons, I’m not sure what you should be apoliging for.

Don’t be a doormat. Take a strong stand against adultry. Ignore the advice of the experts and stand up for yourself. I charged my former wife with adultry in court and it stuck because it was true. I got custody of my kids, because the judge did not think that good parents engage in adultry.

I would also like to thank Yvonee for being a typical therapist and blaming the victim for the crime. Well done Yvonne !

Turner

this is a question of character. to walk out on ones family and CHILDREN shows me how utterly selfish this woman is behaving. even if you get her back what do you really have? a spouse you can never fully trust again. i hope it turns out well for the husband and 3 kids, the wife is just a selfish shrew.

Having experienced the trauma of a wife’s affair, I can say with certainty that you may be able to forgive, but you can never forget. It is the latter that comes back to haunt, late at night, poking and digging at a wound, and never letting it heal inside you.
The only answer I would have for you, is to set your sights on starting a new life, re-creating yourself, as you WOULD have, if you hadn’t gotten married, and recovering your inner peace. The amazing thing is that when I finally did these things FOR MYSELF, suddenly my ex wanted me back, but I had already found a better life, and it didn’t include her.
There is something inherently attractive about someone who is happy within themselves, who LIKE themselves, and lives for THEIR LIFE. You may find that you choose to accept the person back, but just as likely, you will find someone that actually matches the REAL YOU.

I wish there was some miracle answer to make it all better. There’s not.

As such, you and your wife need to sit down and talk. Seriously talk. Ask her why, without judging or criticizing. You will realized quickly whether she is ‘already gone’. If so, there is nothing else you can do. Begging, yelling, threatening will only make a bad situation worse for your kids.

If she is remorseful, and is willing to talk to you, then you might have a chance to save your marriage. But you both need to realized what got you to this place. Were you working long hours? Was she lonely? Was she spending more time, especially more free time, with someone else (friends, co-workers, hobbies, other groups, etc). Did she have to work hard to hide it? Or did you even notice?

Once you start talking, without attacking her, and hopefully without her attacking you, you may realize that your love is still there. You were (hopefully) friends at one point. How can you get back to being friends? Try to schedule some time to spend together, just talking. Find something she is interested in, and join her. Or ask her to join you in something you enjoy. Take her on a real date, with getting dressed nice, opening car doors, reminding her why she married you. Remember to let her know how much you appreciate her.

Most of all, do not give her a free pass on this one. Do not “forgive and forget”. She broke your marriage vows and as such, she needs to realize the error of her ways. If there is a problem in your marriage, you need to work it out. Going outside the marriage doesn’t fix the problem. And although she may be angry or lonely or hurt, she needs to realize how much her actions (or reactions) have hurt you.

There is no time limit to this process. It will take years. You may never get back to fully trusting her. But, if you are lucky, over time you will realize that the problem that got you to this point is gone. And your marriage will have withstood a significant test. It will not be easy, for either of you. But it will be worth it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Dr. Fulbright is giving great advice, and I am glad to see a mainstream news outlet stand up and publish her column. People of the “Moral” minority like concerned should leave Dr. Fulbright and Foxnews alone. I don’t believe it is very moral when we restrict information from people, both married and not married, who desperately need some valid information on sensitive topics such as SEX. The problem of sexual uneducated people in this country, I believe stems from the lack of a valid sexual education in our schools. Which was imposed by the wishes of the “Moral” minority such as concerned. Anyway so I don’t rant any further Thank You Dr. Fulbright and Foxnews for providing some much needed sexual advice that comes from well educated experts.

For the women above who have had affairs. As much as you may wish to believe you have a forgiving husband, sorry your mistaken. He will FOREVER harbor resentment of you.

When a man thinks so low of himself that he would take you back after you have stripped him of his dignity, pride and trust he bestowed in you, you again will look at that as a weakness and again you will cheat!
Men have an inherent thought process, or need, for their mate to look upon them as a strong, dedicated, provider and protector. Their mates “One and Only” per say.
When you seek that within another man after your man has won that from you, you destroy all trust in you.

Men, if you suspect your spouse, lover or girlfriend of cheating on you, hire a Private Investigator. Get the complete evidence you need. Confront your “other” with this evidence and then take her to the cleaners………….Believe me, I see this time and time again where the man holds back and then loses everything but his shirt. Women will not hold back and will go for the “kill” everytime! (even when it was her having the affair)

I have been in a similar situation as Stace. I was the husband who was cheated on by my wife. What I gather is that she didn’t feel appreciated or loved by her husband because he didn’t help out enough around the house and he didn’t make her feel special. Another man came along that made her feel special so she had an affair. I am sure there was more to it than that.
That’s the very same thing my wife said.

The problem I have with this point of view is that it seems the husband is at fault, if he had treated her better she wouldn’t have cheated. That is not a justified excuse for an affair. I don’t think there is a man in the world who could get away with cheating using that same arguement.

It was mentioned all the things the man needs to do to make the relationship better and “win back” the wife. What things can the woman do to improve the relationship? It frustrates me that men are expected to help with the house and make a woman feel special. Yes we should do all that, but it should also be reciprocated. When the toilet in my house is broken, I fix it. When the driveway is covered with snow, I shovel. I see it as my abligation to do that sort of thing and do not expect my wife to help me. How often do you think that occurs?

There are ways that women could make men feel special. I don’t feel very special when my spouse rejects me in the bedroom. I’m tired, I don’t feel close to you, using excuses similar to that are frustrating to hear. How about saying thanks for getting on the rood and cleaning out the gutters. Why not let the man alone for a few hours on Sunday to watch the race and bring him a beer and sandwich. Those are things that would make us feel special.

My point here is that these things are a two way street. Men may not clean inside the house and women may not clean outside the house, but they both must do their part to keep up the home. Both partners also need to find ways to make each other feel special and then do them for one another. Communication is the key, but that needs to happen long before things get out of control and affairs are considered an option.

This guy cannot be serious….He wants to know what to do while his wife is having an affair? How to convince her to come back? He needs to get some self respect and a life, one that does not include her in his bed. Do not bad-mouth her to the children, but do not try to convince her to come back and if she does, don’t take her back. That does not mean you cannot forgive her, you need to, but do not bring her back into your home. I cannot believe you are even asking this.

If my wife was having an affair, that would be it, our marriage would be over – permanently. No need to be bitter, no need to be angry, I would forgive and move on – without her. Trying to convince her to come back? Is this a serious question? Have some self respect – please……

Ed nailed it. I am going through it/went through it. It is tough. Move on! You will never trust her or anyone ever again like you once did. Think of it as a fresh start. It is funny the one who cheats always seems to come out smelling like a rose. They move out and everything for them is “Great”. As the one who was true to the relationship I had to start over lose half of all my stuff. It sucks! Move on! I like Ed’s advice. I know it is hard! Time heals all wounds, eventually.

The ones that walked away will advocate what they did to be the best way forward, but they do not have proof of success had they stayed. The ones that stayed have proof of sucess as I did. Try to work it out. It is worth every single emotion and memory, treasured during the best times you shared together, perhaps the best times of your life. It is worth it for the children, for your finances and lets face it you come out a winner! I can understand if she does not wish to communicate at all and even then it may be worth it to hang in there for a glimmer. What is out there is broken anyway!

Stace,

I am not the best moral beacon that people should follow. But when it comes to my marriage I try really hard to avoid doing the wrong thing. I, like you, believe in communications; but I also believe in not hurting the other person FIRST. Intentional Pain is not forgivable, you knew that when you strayed. The fact is, that you cheated on your husband, and you justify this by blaming him. Your motivation was his unwillingness to support you in the daily chores around the house. To me it sounds like you don’t respect what he does for you, or you just don’t respect your husband for that matter. You are selfish and only concerned with your own opinions. I am glad that YOU have forgave your husband for YOUR cheating – I just hope that one day you husband can forgive you when he gets your best friend pregnant. I have, obviously been on both sides of this argument, – blaming the other person is not a free pass. A relationship ends, when one party leaves (PERIOD). It might seem fine today, but sooner or later it is going to go south – too bad for you. Communications only work before a party cheats. For the record, I am not the best husband in the world – my wife tests me with the garbage, laundry, dishes, and grocery shopping from time to time; in the end she usually has to ask me to do more around the house (but she tells me her problems and doesn’t go looking for other men). Lets talk about sex for a moment: great sex–the physically unemotional kind is: Dirty, sweaty, lustful, hard and often sticky. You got so mad at your husband for not doing the dishes that you let another man do that to you. Real classy example for your kids!

As for the original Poster…

Sir, ask yourself if your wife would be as forgiving to you (after 25 years), if so–talk it out. But don’t beg – that might be the reason your wife is looking for a ‘better man’. Walk away, love your children, and when you’re ready there will be other women out there (lady’s that don’t let ‘other’ men touch them).

That’s really sad about the adulteress wife. But that’s also a good story of hope from Stace about the reconciliation. I’m engaged right now and am really looking forward to married life. I can’t even imagine she would sleep with another man after being with her for 10 years or so. That’s just beyond messed up. But I really respect Stace’s husband for showing that much love and support for someone who betrayed him and his children. It’s also commendable of Stace for owning up to her actions and seeking forgiveness. I hope this guy that this video is about finds help!! I feel terrible for him.

As for “Concerned’s” comments, I’m also personally against having sex before marriage and am a Christian. My fiance and I are waiting for our wedding night with much anticipation…and that’s putting it lightly. We are both really REALLY looking forward to mak’n some good lov’n!! However, that’s our own personal decision. I read Dr. Fulbright’s articles and really appreciate them, because I need all the education and preparation that I can get. They are very helpful…and I’ve learned a lot from what she says. Like her latest article on the Crying, Laughing, dryness, etc… Crying??? You see, that would have come as a shocker for me….but now I feel prepared to handle these kinds of things in the sack. So, I appreciate this part of Fox News.

I have just left my wife after she found out about a tryst I was having with another woman for 10 months. When she found out I had to make a choice and the choice, and I say I had to make the choice because my wife still wants me back. The choice is this Ihad done this and admitted it to her before yet she still wants me back. Trust lost never regained. Trust is extremely important in a relationship and I knew if I return to my wife that will never be there on her part therefore my choice out of caring for my wife was to leave her and hope she will find someone worthy of her because she is a kind and loving woman that deserves a good and honest man.
My advice is let her go you will be better off in the long run. Believe me if she is anything like me she will be ruminating over that fateful moment that she made that decision for the rest of her life. Some people myself included just have for whatever genetic defect a need to always be looking for someone different someone who truly makes you happy however, in my case I do not know or have not come to know what happy is. Perhaps one day I will figure it out until then I suppose I will continue to roam. Good luck I hope everything works out for you no matter what the result may be.

It is comments like Stace and Kristene that disturbs me. They are women that chose to cheat and then they think everything is great because their husband takes them back. Stace even blames her husband for her cheating! What the h_ll??? Oops, sorry honey, I tripped and it went in me. Give me a break. If you cheat, YOU DO NOT LOVE YOUR HUSBAND!!! You swore in the eyes of the Lord you would love him and only him. And what do you do? Make a fool of your husband. You are not worthy of his love. You are pathetic! What he needs to do is send you all packing and go find someone else and enjoy the rest of his life and not degrade himself by staying with a no good cheater. For better or worse!!! Women these days have no morals and ironically don’t remember what vows are. I suggest they find their vows, take them out and read them yearly.

Hang in there. Scripturally you are doing the right thing. You would not be wrong if you divorced her though. Remember the scriptures regarding remarriage though before you go that route. try and find a Christian counselor who shares the same beliefs (not all do).

Pray for her, do not chase her down and beg though. SHE has to realize her mistake. Above all get tested for STDs

There is no marriage without trust. If someone cheats once, they’ll do it again. Kick her to the curb. Her cheating shows how much her marriage and family meant to her. Infidelity is the one thing I will not work through. You cheat, you’re gone. End of story.

I am very sorry this got posted on here. This was meant for the other blog that mysteriously dissapeard. Wonder why fox?

DUDE,move on?If you were faithful for 25 yrs ,there is no excuse for her behavior?You might be able to forgive, but it’s hard to forget?

My friend you have to be concerned for yourself, I know that in marriage there is give and take but that take is a bit too much. You have to respect yourself enough to not allow your wife to be content to commit this act and when done going through this come back to a willing party. It is incorrect and you deserve better especially if you have not stepped out of your duties. you did not drive her to it, the kids did not her mom life did not her own desires did because they were not with you or the family, this is the truth its not just you she went out on its the family, for however long her fling was or is more important than the family. The family deserves better, its not anger its right.

My wife had an affair while I was in Viet Nam. When I returned and she told me she loved this man I almost killed myself. She wanted a divorce but when the young children said they wanted to go with me she changed her mind. I never changed mine. I told her and the children that when they reached 18, I would divorce their mother. I knew she could win the children with a divorce so I enjoyed my children even though I never trusted her again. When the children became adults, I booked. I’m now married to a wonderful woman and my grown children think she is great.
“Worth the wait”

I’ve seen this with friends and family over the years. The couple reconcile and go through councelling with the mate thinking everything will be fine, only to have the wanderer do it all over again a couple of years later. It only makes things worse. In response to Stace (up above)….things make look well now but in your husbands mind, he is always thinking that if he says or does something you don’t agree with, that you will leave again. That’s not healthy for him or the relationship. Let her go!! Move on with your life now! Don’t waste precious moments that could be on hopes that may never work out.

You know the world is already saturated with sex and violence. You cant watch a toothpaste commercial without sexual connotations. I agree with “concerned” because you can buy a book or surf porn if you want to find out about “How to make it feel good”. But like any money making machine foxnews is using everything and anything to catch the attention of the consumer, its the smart ones who dont buy into the crap. Religion or not if you live this life likes its heaven on earth, it would be shame to die and find out that “man i really screwed up” and spend enternity with a pitch fork up your rear. All sarcasm aside, the morals in this country are at its low, but like sodom and gomorah this place will also be judged….havent you noticed people? Look around…and read the news ooops sorry yall got stuck reading on about how to “Please yourself” rather than taking action on how to help your fellow man. Amen

I was married for over 10 years when my wife had an affair. My life pretty much ended at that point. I learned that the person I believed was my best friend was actually my worst enemy. But, for the child’s sake, I took her back. She had another affair, then another and another. Five in two years that I know about, and an untold number that I never discovered. If there is anything good in that, she didn’t bring home some STD and no jealous lover tried to kill me – though a couple of them threatened me with physical violence.

Wake up man! A liar is a liar and will always be a liar. Trust, once broken and spat upon, will never be rebuilt. For those who say they’ve “rebuilt” trust, what’s the first thing that goes through your mind when there’s a hang-up phone call? That’s not trust, that’s an uneasy truce and you’re going to die young due to all that stress you’re holding inside.

Cut her loose and live the rest of your life. Trust me, there are worse things than being alone.

Andrew, my husband and I waited (for many reasons, including God, each other, and what we believed was right). It has been so worth it. I wish everyone would “do this to themselves” lol… And the whole “being behind sexually” thing isn’t a problem fyi… we learned together, and quickly!

Concerned, what does Jesus dying on the cross have to do with not talking about making sex more fun/better? Are you trying to say that because Jesus suffered then we all must have no fun? Thats not the Jesus I know. He talked about coming that we may have life to the full… that would include sex, buddy. I don’t agree with all the advise on here either, but try to relax and take it with a grain of salt.

Its awesome to hear how many people have survived affairs. I’ve known people who have as well, and now have amazing marriages. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and much good can come from accepting a stray spouse bake if they want to make it work… though I would check for STDs.

If there is one thing I have learned with absolute certainty it is that women, just as much if not more so than men, are always looking for a better deal. Some people don’t care how much they hurt others so long as they get something out of her. Leave her, take the kids, and get on with your life. Be happy….you have your children. That’s more than I got.

On a second note, to the reader who doesn’t like your column and wants it pulled: If you don’t like it….DON’T READ IT!!!! And when you say “we” don’t want it here, speak for yourself. Some of us (including married couples) enjoy this column. Also, your argument about Jesus and Christianity is unfounded. This isn’t a religious website. Finally, your argument would have quite a bit more strength if you spelled your words correctly. Christians like you are why the rest of us end up spending so much of our time defending Christianity instead of spreading the Word.

Ditto Michael!!!

DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE BACK IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE,ONCE A TRAMP ALWAYS A TRAMP!!!!!

MAN GO AND GET YOURS WHILE THE GETTING IS GOOD!!!!.

If you take her back you will forever be suspicious of her. All of the deceitful things she did before leaving will be trigger’s for those suspicions. Terrible way to live. Divorce her and move on. There are honest women out there to find so why bother with one who’s not?

THE LAST COMMENT FORGOT TO INCLUDE ” BECOME A COUNTRY SINGER” BECAUSE HE JUST DESCRIBED ALL THE STEPS LEADING TO IT. MAN GO AND GET YOUR WHILE THE GETTING IS GOOD.

Sorry, folks, but I’m in the “what the hell is this?” camp re: the ’sexpert’

Are you paying for placement? Why is this considered mainstream (as in on the main page) news?

Just what I wanted for my young, pre-teen children: here’s a news site, and you can get your freak on, too!

Oh, the pose with the glasses and tittiage…. pa-thet-tick!

Do you REALLY want her to come back?
Sometimes it is just our egos talking, then when the person comes back, we don’t want her/him.
She could bring a disease with her if she does come back.

I say get on with your life.
Don’t try contacting her and certainly DO NOT beg her to return.
It makes you look weak and women do not respect weak men.

Concentrate on being a wonderful father and taking care of yourself.
Trust me, YOU want to have the upper hand if she decides to give the marriage another shot.

Say goodbye and drop her like a bad habit. A barrier is only a barrier until it is crossed. She has crossed the barrier of commitment to her marriage and will do so again…and again…and again. She thinks of nothing but her self and her warm fuzzy feelings. Never thinks about her spouse or even her kids as she trollops around bringing God only knows what home. It is painful but a cheater/liar never changes. Lose her and protect the children, show them how t be a better person than that.

Yikes…..I enjoy Fulbright’s columns and have learned a lot. But she couldn’t be more wrong on this one.

HE needs to look at what HE did? HE needs to take responsibility for what HE did? HE needs to make changes as a partner and an individual to make the marriage survivable for her? And yet, HE may not be able to expect the same from her?

Sorry, but the only thing this guy needs to change are the locks on his doors. Get a good lawyer. If that doesn’t somehow push his wife’s “honor/shame” trigger, go through with it, get it over with quickly and try to make a save on the rest of your life. There is no question that one day sooner or later she will come to her senses and, perhaps she won’t come crawling back, but she’ll feel some sense of shame and remorse and will ask forgiveness. The only question is, how much humiliation and heartbreak does this poor man want to put himself through before that moment arrives?

It’s also a shame that Fulbright made no mention of counseling in her answer. I think I’ll continue to take Fulbright’s advice on matters of sexual physics and overlook her relationship answers from here on out. Silly!

To Concerned: BUZZ OFF. Keep your religious beliefs to yourself.

Why is it when a Wife has an affair its all about HOW to make things right ……

YET …… When the man has a “Fling” …. Hes OUT The Door NO Questions asked !!!! lol

Iv NEVER had a Fling …. But I find it Crazy that She Can and He Cant ???

Maybe this will help you a little bit –

When I was 3 my mom cheated on my dad. She later remarried to the guy and he turned out to be an amazing stepdaddy to me. It didn’t affect me much that time. But the Thanksgiving after I turned 17 I learned that the reason my mom was seeking a divorce from my stepdaddy was because she had cheated on him with someone from work. (This leads me to believe in the theory “Once a cheater, Always a cheater”) Even though I confronted her about it and told her I knew the truth she continued to try to lie to me about it and cover up her mistakes. She tore my family apart without a single bit of regret. My childhood sucked growing up and dealing with visitation guidlines and my parents always fighting about their issues. But now that she’s done this a 2nd time my 10 yr old brother has to deal with it as well. I can tell you that neither one of us truly trusts our mother anymore. Because of what she has done and because of who she has become as a result of her mistake. She turned our lives into a living hell because of her selfishness.

I urge you to strongly, strongly consider your kids’ opinions in this time. What may be good for you — may not be good for them. My mom moved back in with my stepdad a couple of times after she left him and both times were awful.

Hopefully a little insight will help you in your journey. Peace.

I been married for 15 years and been having affairs for 10 years. If the wifey doesn’t performn what you want her to do at times someone else will. You gotta be able to experiment some to keep the guy interested.

hey concerned. . . Welcome to the USA, 2008. Why do you worry about teaching people something so rediculously “OUTDATED”.

Contrary to popular belief, in your case “Suicide is the acceptable answer”.

Regardless to popular belief if a woman cheats and tries to justify her reason whether “lack of communication” “not enough attention” and so on………..she will more than likely do it again. Then when the lust relationship fails she will blame it on another situation or you and want to move back in claiming things can be worked out. Then you get to flip the expense for marriage counseling while in session you may be pouring your heart out and she is thinking about the next close encounter. Now it may be cheaper to stay together rather than a divorce and child custody battle but you may have to consider that. Now if your kids are grown and child custody is not an issue than I would take that infidelity and get a good attorney (if there is such a thing) and stick it up her a$$. Remember she abandoned you and your family you did not throw her out. She will do it again and/or come up with some kind of claim that it was your fault to begin with. If she has no clue after 25 yrs then she never will.

Only you know what is best for you. I’m all for reconcilliation and forgiveness, but is that what she wants? Find out where she stands and go from there. Unless it is, it’s probably best if you start putting the pieces back together w/o her. I was unfaithful to my husband but i am truly repentant and want another chance. We are slowly moving forward and i will do whatever it takes to show him that i am worth his heartache and he’s all i will ever need. The grass is most definitely not greener on the other side. For those of you who are so quick to condemn, i used to be just like you. Until i became that person. . . . . “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.

since each situation is unique, I think it fair to give it alot more time. There may be elements unknown at this time contributing to the situation that can work themselves out.

generally though, you may have to accept that this is who she has been all along and is just now showing it to where YOU can see it….

most people live in patterns and if you get some distance you will most likely see one here as well.

get YOUR life together and move your family ahead… she has demonstrated that “she” is more important to her than your family. She is no longer in your camp so don’t let her live in both.

do what you have to do to move things forward in a healthly way. Take care of yourself very well so that you can deliver to those counting on you.

Being Christian doesn’t mean you forgive everything-thats HIS job.I’ve been where you are and I wish I had the strength to move on.She stayed but my life is less than I hoped .There is a reason adultery was listed in the top 10 of THOU SHALT NOTs.

I was engaged in an affair of sorts, albeit an emotional one. Fortunately, my wife of 24 years got involved and brought me to my senses. Broken trust is broken trust, regardless of whether sex is involved. We’ve worked it out, and now my emotional energy is centered where it has always belonged.

However, as to causes of emotional (often followed by physical) infidelity, there are many.

If you’ve been married for so long, it’s so very easy to become complacent. Every day just like the last. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. Twenty-some years of this may cause a spouse to ask “Is that all there is?” And if you haven’t kept your romance alive, by letting your sex life go by the wayside, by not suprising her with little gifts and thoughtful caring words and actions, by not continuing to “date” her, by not showing appreciation for her every day, by not doing your share of the child rearing, by not helping out around the house, you’ve opened the door to interlopers.

If you’ve allowed yourself to become grossly out of shape, if you don’t have a growing and learning attitude about love-making and the adjustments you have to make as you grow older, if you can’t openly communicate your needs, and especially if she can’t openly communicate her needs to you without recrimination or embarrassment, you’ve opened the door to interlopers.

If she’s spent too much time alone, whether you were physically present or not, you’ve opened the door to interlopers.

Consider that she may have been “out of love” with you for quite some time for any or all of these reasons, or other reasons entirely. “Good” women (or men) don’t usually go “bad” overnight. It’s usually a slow process that culminates one day in a breakthrough, life-wrecking event.

I think you should seriously consider if you really want her back, or whether her affair has just bruised your ego. Seriously consider if you really love her, or whether she’s more like a missing piece of furniture.

If you want her back, you’ll have to compete for her, probably just like you did when you convinced her to marry you in the first place. If you get her back, be prepared to take the rough road back to re-establishing trust in your relationship. You’re both responsible for what happened, so there’s an awful lot of making up to do.

I believe that love cannot exist unless it is founded on grace. That is: understanding, forgiveness, and mercy. I believe that is where love proceeds from and retreats to. If you can find grace for one another, and love still exists between you, you have a good chance of starting anew with a better relationship than ever.

To love is to forgive.

Take care of the children first. Do right by them. Your feelings should be tertiary, your spouse is more important, for better or worse. That is Christian. There is no leaving, or should I take her back. She has not gone, you are still married. To forgive is to love. Don’t think so much about it.

First of all, this column is trash. It has no place on this website.

Second of all, as a fellow brother in Christ, my advice to you is to seperate if you haven’t already done so. Pray for her, and talk to her to find out if she is interested in working it out. Is she really sorry? Does she even want forgiveness? If the answers to these questions are no, then maybe its time to discuss something more permanent. Always try to work things out and be willing to forgive.

I will pray for you.

God Bless.

My wife and I are Christians. Sadly, I was a leader in my church when I had an affair on my wife. I was found out. She confessed her failings to me and said she would try harder. This is hard to do I would imagine, however, if this was the reason for the affair, these failings of the spouse that did not have the affair must be acknowledged and corrected. Not that I had not done wrong by having the affair but I did so because she was not meeting my needs. And yes, not the right way for me to handle my needs not being met, nevertheless, it is what it is. I confessed my sin before my church and was stipped of my duties. I cut off all contact with the other woman.

My wife was willing to forgive and correct these things I struggled with. I was willing to give her another chance. It took several months for her to trust me again. It took over a year to a year and a half for me to get past this other person I fell in love with and fall in love with my wife again. The Bible says “With God all things are possible.” Even getting over an affair. However, it took leaning on Him to help both of us overcome. It was rocky for several months but as we continued a cycle of forgiveness and patience and building trust, AND trusted God and persevered, we are now more in love than orignially 4 years later.

One thing I respected my wife for doing was she told me it had to stop or it was over. This is very important. You can’t just be a doormat and let the person cheat on you. This is tough love. See Dr. James Dobson’s book by the same title.

Good luck

Something led up to this moment in time. You have children who are grown and have left or who are getting ready to leave. This actually should be the best time of any marriage. We cannot pour all our attention and energy into our children and expect the empty nest to be happy. Far too many couples wave goodbye to the last child and then the spouse because they have no clue who this person is. “Who are you?” is being silently screamed while the goodbyes are said again, this time to the spouse. The clues were there and since they were missed it tells me you took your spouse for granted and she was ignored unless you had a need to be met. Your wife will not be back. If you asked her, she’d tell you she’s been unhappy for years and now she IS happy. Your needs at 45 are not the same as your needs at 22 and she has made her decision. Pull yourself together because now you will divide your life of 25 years and I wish you the best.

Thats the thing about being a Christian, that those who are not, do not understand. We try to hold ourselves to a higher standard, and because of this, we tend to hold others to it as well. All be it in a different way than those in the secular world would expect.

We fall short and stumble when we realise just how imperfect we are and when we expect others to try to live to the same standard. In realizing this, you must apply it to this situation, and if you truly love her, and your family, put aside your own ambitions, and try to understand what it is she is going through. Your own ambitions can be put on hold until you know.

Has she had it with this kind of lifestyle? Is it too demanding on her personality? Do you communicate in a condesending way or not? What issues do YOU have in the relationship? And this means taking a Higher than almighty approach to the relationship? Do not forget, GOD created us to truly enjoy eachother sexually within the sanctity of marriage. This is a standard I hold myself and wife (because she is also Christian) to; not others.

Many people here say “Just turn away and leave” and this may or may not be the solution, but before you do. Truly try to understand what it is she and you are going through during this phase of your relationship. If you just turn away, you will be making an uninformed decision. Do not try to CONTROL the situation blindessly. You will find very quickly that you cannot.

Again, and I can not stress enough, if you love her as much as you say you do, you will forgive wether you get back together or not.

As much as it may hurt, try to understand what this man provides her that you do not. People can not heal before being hurt, it always comes after, wether physically, spiritually, or mentally for that matter.

Also, you say you are a Christian, but nowhere did I read that she was. This opens a whole new thread of conversation, because if she is not, then what you believe does not apply to her. If she is, what is it on the “outside” she is getting that she is not getting on the “inside”
of your relationship. I suspect, it is much deeper than the sex.

It may take some digging, and time as well, but it will come out, but something tells me you may already be aware of this wether you acknowledge it or not. I am not the one to say just walk away. After all, this relationship does exist, although on a different level at the moment.

If you come through this, your bond will be stronger providing pride does not get in the way. If you do not, then you will walk away knowing more about yourself, and have an understanding of why you did make the decision to close the door on the relationship.

We men tend to think we got it all, and provide all the needs to our spouses, but without true open communication, and understanding of eachother, we cannot do this. Lets face it, would you take an engine out of a vehicle, take it apart, and put it back together without understanding the components? I do not know why I use this analogy. I am not a mechanic, but it was the first one that came to mind.

My Family and I will be praying for you, your wife, and your children during this time.

Your Brother in Christ.

Hey Concerned,

Do not assume that you speak for everyone! I do not follow your beliefs, and I am majorly offended that you would think to speak for me. Next time you decide to type in a comment area…. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!! And stop trying to shove your religion’s views down other peoples throat!

I personally happen to like sexual information to be out in the open. It is much better then living in the time of the Puritans, like you are! And I am glad that Fox News is willing to both set aside space and time for someone to look at adult issues with an level headed adult writing about this topic.

Yo! Bible thumpers! Stop pushing your religious beliefs concerning sex on the rest of us! This country was founded by prudes, but we’ve come a long way in a few hundred years….don’t try to get us to step back into the stone age. There is a name for you people…fundamentalists…they’re over in the Middle East and they’re in this country too. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. That simple.

Sorry – totally disagree. You make it sound like it is all his fault and he needs to change his act. He may have been part of the problem and needs to be part of the solution. However – she left and she had the affair. She is at fault and needs to ask him to take her back. At that point – he needs to decide if she can ever be trusted again.

I am a “committed” christian (conscious, intentional, etc) attending a pentecostal church…and I really enjoy/appreciate Yvonne and the perspective she brings. OK, I’m not what one would label sexually inhibited anyway. I just want to offer a christian voice that says she is really rather balanced, places strong emphasis on the value of a relationship and security for most people within the sexual encounter, and does so in a manner that is informative yet warm, fun but not titillating. You go girl!

I have to mostly agree with Ed on this one. I just finished my divorce (2+ years) after 18 years of marriage and 2 great kids. About 15 years into the marriage I found out she was having an affair. Not wanting to just throw in the towel, also being a Christian, we went to marriage counselling for about 2 years. One day I just asked her if she still loved me and she said “No” so I started the divorce process.

My take on what happened before and just after the affair: Lack of communication, lack of intimacy, did I mention lack of communication? There is also the trust issue. She was hurt that after about 18 months I still didn’t have complete trust in her. Somewhere online I read that even for Christians it takes close to 5-7 years for complete trust to return.

Advice for you: 1) If you AND she really want to continue the relationship then go to marriage counselling. 2) COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! 3) Start rebuilding your relationship like you were dating again. Have a “date night”, respark the romance with flowers, poetry, etc. Hopefully you won’t be the only one doing this, but you may have to initiate it. She may be on egg-shells around you for a while trying to gauge whether or not she’s totally lost you.
4) Finally, if it isn’t there anymore it isn’t there. Even with kids you need to end it so both of you can move on. I felt it was better for my kids to see a positive example of a marriage rather than see their mom and I “co-exist” in the same house until they moved out.

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Kick her to the curb.

Forget about her.

Once she’s cheated, how can you ever trust her again? Sure, as a Christian you can forgive, but forgiveness is a lot different than trust.

Oh, and make sure that when you get divorced, don’t go easy on her! File on the grounds of adultery, make sure everyone knows that the reason you’re getting divorced is that she couldn’t keep her legs closed.

Hey Concerned,

Do not assume that you speak for everyone! I do not follow your beliefs, and I am majorly offended that you would think to speak for me. Next time you decide to type in a comment area…. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!! And stop trying to shove your religion’s views down other peoples throat!

I personally happen to like sexual information to be out in the open. It is much better then living in the time of the Puritans, like you are! And I am glad that Fox News is willing to both set aside space and time for someone to look at adult issues with an level headed adult writing about this topic.

ROB: WTF? Sir, I submit that you MAY be pathologically narcissistic, as you lay the blame at her feet taking no responsibility for yourself, or little.

“She confessed her failings to me and said she would try harder…. Not that I had not done wrong by having the affair but I did so because she was not meeting my needs. And yes, not the right way for me to handle my needs not being met, nevertheless, it is what it is…I was willing to give her another chance.”

The only thing you said that shows any sign of awareness of others (empathy) is respecting her for giving you an ultimatum. I hope you are not as dangerous as your words make you sound, but the thought of one who uses others to meet his needs, and turns the blame on the victims while under the (likely) guise of spiritual authority is frightening. Yes, I write this as a christian man, and as one who has spent plenty of time and hard work tearing apart my own maladaptive behaviors and putting them aside or compensating for them/being aware of them. Just believing God and reading the Bible didn’t do that for me, though I can see hints of this throughout scripture.

If you really believe what you wrote, get yourself some hope man, before you hurt someone else. “You were caught.” How many times had you done this and not been caught? Maybe never. We’ll never know; only you will.

I learned my husband was cheating and I didnt think …… reacted i called him out on every occasion and it was too much for him…(liars usually cant take getting caught) so i took off to cool down and then he left ,leaving our daughter with her grandpa, i knew then he could never be a man, to be a man and admit what he did wrong and to live in that moment and watch over his two year old daughter for just 20 -30 min. Nope he couldnt do it, only i didnt go far i was waiting in my mini van at the corner watching& waiting. He left 2 min after i did.
I am a christian women , but that doesn’t make me less deserving of this thenanyone else. I was GREAT WIFE and as of now hes asked me to come back twice , between bunk girlfriends of course. Im now in an ugly Divorce.

so Heres My advice : sense you have 3 kids a house two cars all that good stuff …. stick around for 3 months and if she doesnt come around in that time get rid of her ….because her heart has already gotten rid of you. you deserve better . Maybe when you first file for the divorce she’ll come to her senses …but then again maybe not …. always look out for the best interest of your children. And if shes any kind of mother she cant be away from her kids for long. and if she doesnt tada! You can always file to become the custodial parent and child support can be estblished at that time.

So what im saying is , you can wait it out and prove you love her by sticking by her for a few more months or you can make her think by starting the divorce process….=) good luck with that !
oh yeah one more thing…because of the extend of all the children and property invovled only hire a lawyer who works for a set rate not one that works by the hour .Your looking at 500.00 to file and 10,000 for attorney fee’s. You sound like you have a good chance to keeping the kids full time . but you might be thrown for the alimony depending on who made what.

anyhow Best of luck to you. and if she comes back have her make an appointment with her gyno and wait 2 weeks for a blood test to come back before anything goes down. You better let her know shes in for a rough ride because she has insulted her intigrity to the highest with you and the marriage is gonna suck for a long while and doubt is hard to erase. But through through the joy of your children it will be easier love your children do family events all the time activities dinners camping trips be active and the marriage can fall back into place. May God bless you on your journey….

Nicole

OK, I’ve been in a relationship for 4.5 years with the same man. In the beginning, he was loving, sweet, kind, generous, compassionate, fun, etc. In the last 2 years, it has become nothing more than him barking orders, putting me down, accusing me of things, smothering me, treating me like I’m his slave, demanding sex EVERY night (I don’t even get a break when I’m menstruating), and I’m at the point now where I can’t stand to be around him. I love my home, but I hate going there because I know every night will be the same thing. He won’t let me spend time with my children, instead telling them to either go to their rooms to watch tv or play on their computers. He also won’t allow me to talk to any of my friends, he tries to distance me from my family, I can’t talk on the phone for more than 2 minutes without him complaining about one thing or another. I also can’t go to the bathroom for more than 2 minutes without him knocking on the door and telling me I’m taking too long. I recently came back in contact with a friend from my past, and we began an affair. I told my boyfriend about it and moved out. Now he’s begging me to come back, but I know I will never be able to return to life with him. There may be more to the story than what the “wronged husband” is telling. I still love my boyfriend, but I can’t stand being controlled and smothered by him anymore. I had stayed the last 2 years because I love him and didn’t want to hurt him, but I realized that it’s time to make myself happy for once, and stop putting him ahead of me and those that I love.

First of all, to the people that are complaining that this article is “trash”, and “has no place on this website”….what are YOU doing clicking on the link and reading it?? Hellooo…

Anyway, I agree that when one spouse, man or woman, feels like they have been neglected or defrauded of what they need from their spouse, that is when the devil will ALWAYS provide the bait….It is most definitely the cheater who is at fault for what they did wrong, but also if the spouse denied them physically, emotionally, etc., then they are at fault for not meeting their spouse’s needs. The lesson here is that the devil will always provide the bait. He knows what our weaknesses are, and attacks when we’re most vulnerable. It is every spouse’s job to make sure that their partner’s “love tank” is full, and that they are content, and all their needs are met. Read the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, “The Five Love Languages”. It’s a fast, easy read that shows how people need to feel loved in order to be content. i.e….some people’s primary “love language” is physical contact. If you’ve denied her physical contact, you’ve refused to love her. That was just an example. If you DO decide to take her back, you HAVE to read that book together. Very eye opening on how to know what your spouse needs to have a full “love tank”….Most spouses cheat when they are unfulfilled by the one person who was supossed to meet their needs.

I apologize if I sound like I’m condoning her horrific actions, and blaming you, I’m just trying to explain to you what the root of the problem was. Even if your wife was not fulfilled and was unhappy, she should have done the right thing and communicated with you, asked to go to counseling, whatever it took. For any woman to leave her children is an unthinkable act. A woman that is that selfish and coldhearted does not deserve your time.

However, if you forgive your wife and want to begin anew, you MUST be willing to change the relationship, starting from scratch, to where you are both meeting your needs emotionally and physically, so that neither of you are lacking anything and are satisfied. The harsh truth is that there is a good chance that since your wife has cheated on you once, she will do it again. Someone that can share a bed and give all of herself to someone else does not have much conscience. That is so incredibly selfish on her part, not only to give what belongs to you (her body) to some other guy, but to EXPOSE you to any number of STDs…

I am not an advocate of divorce, but Biblically, when a spouse commits adultery, you are free to fly the coop. You have been wronged on such a low level by the person who is supossed to love, HONOR, protect, and cherish you…If they do it once, chances are they will do it again. I think cheating is a deep, dark character flaw that very well may occur again years down the road. You may want to hire a good lawyer, realize that you both wronged eachother on different levels, and down the road, once your kids are adjusted, find a GOOD woman. They are few and far between, but they are out there. Good luck and God bless.

Brother,

I sympathize for you. Many of these men are telling you the truth. Once a cheater, always a cheater. My mother cheated on my father several times when he finally had enough of it when I was 10. One thing that has taught me that you have to be wary of all women. Especially other christian women. Do not take her back. In fact I will tell you to take everything she has. Trust me brother, she will do that to you. Forgiveness always has a consequence. To the women who blamed their husbands for having an affair. HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! You made the choice of being a hoe and cheating on him!!!!!!!!!! May you reap the consequences of your action a hundred fold. In the end though; I truly hope you will see what you have done. Brother; you need to move on. Forgive her but don’t take her back. It will only invite more pain you do not deserve. Pray that God will bring someone else to you that will be true to you. Until then; keep the faith.

leave!!!!!just leave she’ll never change She does it once she’ll do it again…sorry but that how I fell

Dr. Yvonne Fulbright is an idiot.

Leave the whore and take the children, if you don’t you are teaching your children that you are a spinless little man.

‘thou shall not commit adultry’

She did, don’t put up with it

kick her to the curb!

I suggest that you have an affair yourself yourself, preferably with 2 women at the same time. It may not help, but you’ll feel a lot better (at least physically).

I’m sorry for your loss. That’s calling it what it is. We’re not talking about her leaving a roast in the oven too long or forgetting to pay the electric bill. Even calling it a breach of trust is making light of it. Swearing an oath to the Almighty that you will love, honor, and cherish someone for the rest of your life then throwing it aside for a roll in the hay is discounting and dishonoring to your covenant. Sure, forgive. That’s what should be done. However, taking her back would be a long and complicated process that requires professional family counceling. The devastation of someone so close betraying you should be tramatic and understandably so. I understand temptations are out there and I’ve been tempted a few times myself. Actually bowing to the temptation and giving away what belongs to your spouse is so base and so selfish! Asking her to come back would be a signal to her that not only does she NOT value you… you don’t value yourself either. Wrong signal! It will invite another “oops” on her part in the future. You’ll be living life as her rug, waiting for her to wipe the dog poop off her feet every time she walks out the door. Call your bank and have her removed from your joint accounts. Change the locks on the doors, if your paying for the car she’s driving, take the pay stubs to “Sancho’s” house and offer it to him to pay. If she has a cat, now is the time for it to have Oklahoma swimming lessons with a brick in a gunny sack in a swift river. Paint the interior of the house the color you like, dig up the roses in back she had you plant (while she was doing her boyfriend and not you) and put in a bar-b-que pit. Tell the boys that mom has left the reservation and that door only opens one way. Take up a healthy hobby such as marathon running or body building. Divorce the twit and move on. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO UN-RING THAT BELL!

Only a fool would try to get back a partner that had an affair.

Quit wasting your time; move on and get going with your life. If you don’t, you *will* regret it.

I was married 15 years, had 5 kids and loved a very Christian woman. She did the same thing. People like this are destined to eternal damnation so you really don’t want to associate yourself with such trash. Go out and restart and forget this “GOD” thing – It’s allllllll fake (and I was that Christian husband once and look where it got me). The church turned their back on me and the kids and let her and her boyfriend (from the same church) just keep coming and dropping their money in the plate. Live life however you want, find some new women, copulate with them and kick them out the door first sign they are going to be 21st century controlling women.

hate to say this but I’m sure you’ve heard it before, it’s time to move on without her. If she was to come back and you do renew your sexual relationship, more than likely she’ll be thinking of him. She will pretend that you are him. When you finish, she may feel guilt or remorse but either way, HE will still be in the background. The kids won’t like it if you decide to move on but when they get a little more mature, they will understand or they should.

Forgive her, and tell her you’ll pray that God forgives her too…..as she’s packing her things to leave and advise her to learn from this mistake.
It was a “marriage” that she violated people. I guess I take marriage a little more seriously than some. Marriage is a covenant with God that a man and a woman make before witnesses.
It seems to me, that way too many people take this covenant lightly….like it’s a contract, that can easily be amended or broken.
When any marital partner decides to look outside of the marriage for satisfaction they have willingly broken the vow (promise) they chose to make with their spouse and God. It’s broken for good, and nothing can repair it.

Dr. Fulbright is way off base here. He did NOTHING wrong, adultery is the worst thing you can do in a marriage. Her advice and attitude towards this womans affairs speaks volumes about our culture. This woman betrayed a husband of 25 years AND she betrayed her children. Adulterers do not only betray the other spouse but their ENTIRE family. I will not go so far as to say women are worse than men, because wives cheat with other MEN, usually married men. The divorce laws in this country need to be changed so people are punished civilly for such behavior – for example she should lose her share of the marital estate for doing what she has done. The adulterer CHOOSES to act out, he or she is not FORCED to sleep with another person. One broken the trust is NEVER regained, the marriage is scarred for life. No matter how good it gets you always know the other person betrayed you during the tough times.

WHAT is Yvonne Fulbright saying? Let me see if I have this right:

1. If a man cheats, he is scum and should be divorced immediately

2. If a woman cheats, it is somehow the man’s fault and the man should beg her to come back and they should both go to counseling together to figure out how the man is at fault.

My advice after seeing this situation play out 5 times in the past few years (with both Male and Female friends as well as personal experience) is simple:

Leave the Tramp. Leave Today. Don’t Think…. just do it.

First Off– She will do it again (and blame it on you) and secondly, even if she doesn’t you will never trust her again and be convinced she is doing it again…. and you will be right.

Thirdly– Don’t hide behind Christianity in this situation. The Religion allow leaving this circumstance. Don’t be weak. It doesn’t help your children. They are not learning the lessons they need to learn if you show them that there are no consequences for doing what all know to be wrong.

I did just that and I have never questioned whether I did the right thing. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship and I have no bad feelings toward anyone. It was the right thing.

There may be no good advice on how to get through this. You can seek counseling and determine why this has taken place, and possibly determine if it was a small lapse or if there are deeper fidelity issues. I would be devastated in a similar situation and would really need to understand the reason behind it in order to move ahead. A one time fling due to extenuating circumstances might be overcome, yet a long term or multiple partner situation would be greater cause for concern. Since there are children involved it most definitely complicates the whole picture because they too would need to understand the reason for a breakup if it comes to that. And lastly, forgiveness does not always mean that you must continue to live in a broken marriage. You can forgive, but if the infidelity is going to continue, then it may be better to get a divorce, and live your own life cleanly and try to set a good example for your children in spite of the actions of your spouse. Any way you slice it this is a tough call.

Trust is a bubble, once broken, it can never be put back together.

Any guy that has an affair with a married woman does not respect the institution of marriage and as such he is likely to dump the selfish slut after he is done using her.

Any broad that cheats on her husband without telling him of her desires in advance is not worth having any relationship with because she obviously is not self confident, not a good communicator, is not vulnerable, and very likely is not capable of intimacy, which usually means she is quite unsatisfying and boring in bed. In other words if she cannot be intimate with her chosen husband then it is highly likely she cannot be intimate with anyone, including her own self!

If men treated their spouses like the hidden slut they really are, chances are real good that most of them would be having so much fun at home that they would not be attracted to the amorous advances of the shallow phonies that are too weak to brave the intimacy and the deep pleasures of a lifelong commitment.

In response both sides of the fence (for and against Christianity) well quite frankly neither of you has really seen or lived what Christ himself actually lived. Go back and study the four gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and Acts. Jesus came to HELP people in need. He NEVER loved the sin but He truly LOVED the sinner. This person needs help. Maybe faith is the answer, maybe not. It is NOT our call to bring people to Christ, it is the job of the Holy Spirit (if you proclaim to be Christian that is.) Nor is it our responsibility to judge. Reaching out to this person in love, helping them through what is going on and coming to grips with a truly difficult time is what is needed here. Not legalistic, judgemental attitudes and opinions. Wouldn’t that be what EITHER SIDE would do or what you would want – a helping hand – if the situation was yours and not someone elses….???

The best recommendation I can make since I do not know the whole circumstance or circumstances involved is to read the book “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley Jr. A great part of his career has been counseling couples and many, many of them were involved in an affair. He talks a lot about why it happens, how it happens and what happens next. I hope it helps and I truly pray for you, your family and your marriage. God bless!!

-The Searching Christian-

The fact that your women cheated on you probably means that you did not satisfy her needs because you are gay. I suggest that you come to terms with this and find yourself a boyfriend.

Dr Fulbright,

Please, put some clothes on. Yes, you are attractive,…yes the guys will enjoy ogling your exposed breasts on here,….
If you are credible, you don’t need to ‘flash’ your sexy parts. A swim halter? Please, even the deep v cleavage with “flirt” pose was in poor taste.
Your comments to this man are okay, maybe, and you seem to be a nice person. You are an embarassment to professionals and women who would like take the emphasis off of exposing the body for the purpose of getting everyone’s attention. If you want people to feel confident and comfortable in their bodies then you are sending a mixed message. “Look at me, I am hot, and now everyone will see how I got this job” “If you have parts that look like this, you can be important and be ogled too” Now, women feel they have to go buy a better set to be successful in life, and they aren’t getting any help from the opposite sex on this. The opposite sex EXPECTS to have this visual treat everywhere. Thank you for your contribution. Yeah Yeah, we know you guys are going to say shut up and let us get our on-line kicks. Low lifes….that you are.

…for better or for worse… To have a relationship means both husband and wife are comitted to making it work, for better or for worse. However, there isn’t a relationship when only one is comitted. Forgive her is she is willing to come back and try to make it work. If she doesn’t, move on.

“Concerned” – I am a strong Christian MARRIED woman.. and I ENJOY this section of FoxNews! Did you ever consider, maybe FoxNews isn’t trying to appeal to underage, unmarrried teenagers? I’m going to assume that FoxNews network doesn’t target the 13-18 age group…which really only use the internet for their myspace and facebooks— if they’re intelligent enough to want to read NEWS for fun..then they are probably smart enough to wait until they are in a healthy marriage relationship to engage in an intimate relationship.
by the way, I think the advice is great.. sex is an extremely vital part of a healthy marriage, and i’ll take all the advice i can get!

as for the affair-
PRAY, that’s all you can do. ask God to work in your marriage, and to heal your wounds. he placed you together, and your vows were “forever”- God can bring you through any trouble.

Concerned, I am tired of people like you giving religious people like me a bad name! DON’T CLICK ON IT!! It is that simple! This might be helpful to someone and you being a “supposed” religious person should be concerned with helping your neighbor! Please stop saying things in the name of Jesus, especially when you sound ridiculous! Thank you!

Affairs have nothing to do with satisfyling someone’s sexual needs. It’s about the person who is having the affair. DO NOT blame the victim. Proud, you are not human! Grow some compassion you creep!

As a person who has gone thru this same situation, it is devastating for all involved. Yvonne is correct in that the husband must not believe he is free from blame. However, it is up to the wife in this case, (or person who has the affair), to immediately stop, apologize, and go to counseling. Yvonne is symtomatic of this issue. The husband is not to be the one who immediately has to fix himself. Regardless of the problems in the marriage, (with the exception of physical abuse and/or drug use), in this case the wife MUST take responsibility and get help so that she can realize the damage she has caused. Yes, the husband must also look at himself but the wife is the immediate problem.

My wife at the time wanted a new life and didn’t want to be tied down to kids and a husband. We discussed reconciliation for a few years but in the long run, I could not ever trust her again.

BTW, she had already done this before and we tried to work it out. It was not the first time.

Folks… You are just kidding yourselves. As a Calvinist Christian.. I believe in the Word of God. It states that the ONE and ONLY reason for divorce is adultery. Ditch her!!!!!

AND another thing concern, teens don’t read Foxnews.com. Get a grip!

Nice succinct answer – and thank you, Dr. Fulbright, for not simply saying “You and your wife need to go to counseling,” as that’s not necessarily necessary. Every couple is unique in their issues, needs, and ways of dealing with dilemmas. The advice given empowers the individual as far as his choices – that’s what he asked for – what HE could do, and what he could possibly expect. Many of you interpreted the sexpert as taking sides on the issue – she wasn’t asked to do that. She is, however, acknowledging that in most cases both partners hold responsibility when one strays. The fact that he wants to save his marriage is his choice – and nobody should be blasted for helping him to do that.

stace, ask your husband to grow some and be a man. i wonder if he can smell or taste the other guy when he kisses you?

If you want to base the decision on Christianity, then leave her. There is one circumstance in the bible when a divorce is allowed without any strings attached and that is in the case of adultery. It’s not about forgiving. She put you at risk with her indiscriminant sexual behavior, she put herself at risk religiously, but that was her choice. We all have free will, and that is God’s gift to us, but we must use it wisely or else face consequences. Do not spare her her just consequences and teach your children in the process that this kind of behavior is a forgivable offence. If you do, you may be sacrificing your own salvation in the process. I believe it says that if you lay with an adulterous wife that you become guilty by association or something to that effect. Send her packing. I am a woman and believe that if you have a problem at home you deal with it, or end it, before you move on. Any thing less that that is just cowardly avoidance behavior that hurts all who is involved.

Ok, this comment is for BOB above. How bout trying THIS situation on for size. I am married, I work full-time from home, working late into the evening, AND homeschool my children who are in the high 90th percentile on their standardized testing and doing well. In addition to this, I do ALL of the lawn maintenance, ALL of the minor car repairs (oil changes and such), ALL of the home repairs (leaky pipes, drywall, toilet leaks, appliance repairs, etc). My husband works his full-time job and comes home to play video games and drink/smoke all night and sit on his behind. He never compliments me on anything. My meals are never good enough…there’s always a complaint (too hot, not hot enough, too much flavor, not enough flavor, not like his parents made, etc). I do ALL the house cleaning myself, and I pay all the bills. Now….tell me. When you say wives should reciprocate, how much further am I expected to go?? I don’t think I have anything more I can do. I’m doing the job of a Mom, a Dad, a Wife, AND a husband. And I’m not alone. There are plenty of other women out there doing what we’re doing….so if ‘we’ wives say that our husbands should “give” a little….trust me, it’s justified.

Followup to “Proud”: You are 100% right, but it should be with a Christian man only.

As a Calvinist Christian… I DO believe the word of God. As such…the only reason for a divorce is ADULTERY!! Ditch Her!! It isn’t our job to forgive…that is His job.

To Coati: Lighten up. We men like the way the Dr looks. If we wanted some dried up old prude we’d go to the New York Times site. Fox Rules!!!

The partner who cheats has to take the blame for cheating. To blame the faithful partner is liking saying a physically abused spouse “asked for it”. Starting with Stace, the cheating spouse needs to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for OVERREACTING to problems in the marriage. Cheating is the lowest thing one can do.

Dear Jim,

Concentrate on your children. They are the gift from God that you got our of those 25 years. She chose not only to leave you but the children (unless they are all over 20 years of age).
Build a Godly life around what you have left… Children, Friends, and Family. Pick up a new hobby or an old one that you have dropped. Become a better you…and when the new stud drops her and she looks around. Just maybe she will want to come back, but only on your terms!
You may be able to forgive her….But you will never be able to forget the betrayal.

I realize I’m probably in the minority in this forum, but I believe the marriage can not only be restored, but be even better. If she willingly repents and comes back (and I mean truly feels the emotional horror of what she’s done), then you would be doing no more than what our Heavenly Father did for the nation of Israel for millenia. But there has to be true repentance on her part. If she is broken by this, then yes, take her back. You’re responsibility is to be Christ to her as Christ was to the Church, and forgive. Either way, you need to forgive for your sake. Whether you should take her back or not depends on her brokenness and repentance.

I know this from personal experience. My wife and I have the best marriage of any couple that I know of. When this happened in our marriage, it freed us up to be honest and candid with each other on a level we hadn’t gotten to yet. We married each other because we knew we were “right” for each other, and less because we were head over heals for each other. Now, 7 years later, we are head over heals with each other, we’re finally on the same team, our sex life is unbelievable, and our home and family life is vibrant.

Forgive for your sake, take her back if she repents on her own. Be there for when she comes back, but let her come back on her own. It’s up to you and our Lord as to how long you should wait. I’ll pray that he gives you wisdom and endurance.

No, HIGH FIVE!

Taylorblue, dump your husband! You deserve better!

Taylor…My wife is dying of COPD. I DO do all the things that you describe above. But I still love my wife and I WILL be with her…”till death us do part”

If the temptation for having an affair is there…I have not been intimate with a woman for over 11 years now. “For Better or worse!!”

Leave!

you have got to be kidding me. you do all that you can to provide for this woman, she goes an fricks someone else and you want to know how to get her back? I’d start by killing her, and then him, and then liquidating all of my assets and moving out of the country as quick as possible to a country that doesnt extradite to the u.s. grow a pair buddy. or live the rest of your life like a spineless coward.

As a christian, I believe in forgiveness but I also believe that unfaithfulness one of the only valid reasons for a divorce. I think you and your wife should seek counseling through your pastor. You should both pray about what God wants for your lives and make a careful decision after a cool down period vs. an emotional, rash one. I almost had an affair a few years ago. My husband and I were going through a period when neither one of us was very satisfied. We were both thinking “why should I meet his/her needs when he/she is not meeting mine”. During that time we were separated due to the military and along came a really nice single christian guy who was so sweet and I ended up with the biggest crush on him. I kept thinking how much happier he made me feel and how desperate I was to feel loved. Luckily, I was in a great bible study at the time and God kept pointing out my sin to me. The sin was already being committed even though I had no physical relationship with this man. The fact that I wanted it (badly) was enough to show me that our marriage needed work. When we were reunited, we worked alot harder on being a team and making sacrifices for the other partner. It hasn’t been a perfect union but God put us together and is working a plan through us. I’ll pray for you.

An affair, by either partner is a marriage that has already ended. A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime partnership, better or worse, richer or poorer, a partnership. When one partner cheats on the other both are at fault; one for not being the partner the other for breaking the trust (actually both have broken a trust). I had the affair in my marriage. If society wishes to blame me, so be it, and affair is not a one sided issue. Take the sexual aspect out of the discussion and I am willing to bet that most who have had an affair will say it was the closeness to another person who would listen and talk to them as the reason they had the affair. My situation included most of what the other posts have stated, lack of communication as well as money issues. I was guilty of bad money management as well, when we both looked at our budget (more bills than money) it was time to make a change, she was unwilling and refused to do so. At one point I was working 4 jobs to try and get us out of the mess we created. What did she do during that time? Not much. She was happily ensconced in her stay at home mommy role (an important role but not to the exclusion of all else) and oblivious to all else. When I tried to talk to her about it, she would blow me off and continue to overspend. Should I have had the affair before divorcing, no I should not, but a person starved for companionship will do stupid things.

To MrBear8Hun:
What kind of anti-semitic comment is that about “the nation of Israel”? At least we Jews know how to satisfy our women so that they don’t have to look elsewhere for their needs (if you know what I mean).

Stace…let me summarize what you wrote to see if I got it right. You became disenfranchised with the person you are married to so you took up fulfilling your needs with another until of course it became more of the same as what you had at home because let’s face it -life happens – so you decided to go back home because your husband was still showing interest. Awww…very sweet. Now let me tell you what I would have shown you (and just like this guy who posed the question should show his wife) – THE DOOR! Good riddance….

I love it how alot (but not all) of female doctors/marriage counselors/sex therapists tend to assume it’s the man’s fault… “He” needs to change, “He” needs to find out what “He” is doing wrong, etc… Maybe he’s the best husband in the world and his wife is just weak minded and dosn’t truly care what the word “marriage” means? Maybe he dosn’t need to change anything about himself and instead, ditch the dead weight and find someone else who is more of a “true” christian or less likely to cheat/have an affiar?

Taylor,

Are you saying you believe because your husband doesn’t exactly do the best of jobs at being a husband, that it is ok to have an affair?

Affairs are never justified or right no matter what is going on in the marriage. Never! It is disgusting to hear some say ditch him/her because they fail at doing this that and the other. Marriage is supposed to be alife covenant…not a convenience when times are good. Its no wonder the divorce rate is over 60% when the attitude is I’ll just trade her/him in for a new model.

I am a woman that has had an affair….and have a husband still wanting to work things out. I have (and they are much deserved) terrible feelings of guilt and shame for what I have done to him and my teenage children. I fear that he will never trust me again (again, deserved) and it will cause more fighting and stress in the home. I don’t know what the answer is. This is all new to me. I just want the hurting to stop for everyone!!

I am searching for answers and hence read through a lot of the blogs on this subject. Its interesting to me that the “ditch her” blogs seem to be coming from angry bitter people that it’s happened to and then there’s the ones that say “forgive” and “try”….they are, more than likely, the ones that have DONE it. My only point is that I don’t think there’s a “generic” answer to this question. Each couple is different with a different set of circumstances. Some people are capable to forgiving and moving forward….some people are not ever going to be trustworthy. I think the best answer is to seek a third party that can help you sort through and separate emotions and hurt from true feelings and reality. As with most things in life…when we clear away all the clutter, media, lights, buzz words and diagnosis’….if you listen in the quiet to your heart and follow your gut instinct that’s probably the best “advice” you can garner.

Good luck to all! Society has become so complicated….with it’s many pressures….deep down inside we know what’s right!

Anne, you chose to cheat, just like this mans wife. I think most peoples points are – its not your husbands fault but yours. What people resent is the blame being placed on the innocent party when the cheater betrayed their WHOLE family for what? A few hours of pleasure. I’ve seen the damage done from affairs, it affects everyone especially the kids. It is an act of SUPREME selfishness.

I think it’s admirable that he wants to have his wife back and is willing to and can forgive her. He obviously loves her still and even though he has been hurt he says he can work it out. She at some point became dissatisfied and perhaps there wasn’t enough discussion. Every relationship is a two way street and requires effort on both people to add to and keep a little spice going in their marriage. The rift probably happened because of lack of communication. Whenever a lack of satisfaction occurs on a frequent basis a frank discussion needs to take place before it’s too late. Being a man, I know change and variety keeps me interested in my wife of 39 years. She had to tell me what she needed early in our marriage. I didn’t know much about foreplay, but she told me what to do. Gentleness and sensitivity is always a must during sexual discussion. DO NOT become angry. I try very hard to please my wife and I ask her what she would like me to do. Because of our age now we use a little help (Viagra, lubrication) and she dresses a certain way for me. Because she hasn’t had an orgasm naturally in years I manually stimulate her digitally when she wants it, I bought a vibrating penis to help, but she actually prefers me more. She doesn’t need an orgasm every time like I do. We both are losing weight which makes sex better as well. If there’s a problem I almost always initiate the discussion unless she has an issue I’m not aware of. We both try very hard to please each other. I am a person that has to resolve the issue. We talk it out. I can’t go to sleep mad. Women are different about problems. They tend to stew about things until their pressure release valve blows at some point. I convinced her after many years that this isn’t fair to me. I convinced her to tell me when there’s a problem and now she does. We get along very well and I can hardly stand being away from her. We enjoy the same things and do almost everything together. Now in the words of Forest Gump, ‘thats all I’ve got to say about that’.

Communication is key. I think the Doc is right about that and examining what the guy was doing or not doing that tempted the wife to go out on him is a good thing without making him the bad guy.

Marriage is a two way street. Both of them need to do this examination. As she said, just because he might want to sit down and do this, does not mean the wife will want to do this.

Having said that, a counselor can really help bring out things that might not otherwise come out. I was amazed at the things my wife said after 21 yrs of marriage about how she felt. 80% of the problems she had were no problem with me to change how things were but she had never mentioned them before. Another 10-15 percent I would have been willing to do some give and take on.

It was too little too late for us. Sitting down and communicating is good even in a marriage where you think everything is good. You might be surprised. Cars need tuneups, You need regular health care checkups… Well so does your marriage. Or breakdowns can occur.

Cheers!
Mark

Cheating is cheating. Inexcuseable and unforgiveable. I cannot fathom how anyone can forgive it. I will forgive just about anything else, but not that, and my wife and I agree on it. You choose to do it or not do it…it’s not forced at gunpoint. And begging someone to come back AFTER THEY CHEATED ON YOU? I’m at a loss on that one.

I just want to say that cheating in never acceptable, and that someone who does is in the wrong, totally and completely.

However, that doesn’t mean that everything leading up to the cheating is all the cheater’s fault. Things were obviously not right. I don’t want to blame you but a relationship is a two way street and if it goes wrong it is generally not just one sided. If you want her back than fix yourself before you try to help her, you can’t bring someone up to a level that is higher than yours. There are problems on both sides and if you really want to make it better you have to start with you. You can’t fix her, you can only support her in working out her own issues. If you want to try and save it then tell her, but don’t beg her or try to force the issue. You have to let her make her own choices. If she doesn’t do it on her own then it will never work out.

Having said that it still may not be enough to fix things. She has broken a huge trust and it will be difficult at best if not impossible to repair it. Do what is right for you and the kids and if she is willing to try, then for the marriage as well. You have to try, but you also have to be realisitic. This is one of the few things where even as a Christian I would say that divorce is an acceptable alternative.

As to the question of if it is right to have an affair, I think that it depends on the quality of the sex. Let’s face it; Christian, Hindu, Moslem, Jew, Zoroastrian, there is nothing like good sex. Our Heavenly Father wouldn’t make it feel so good if he didn’t want us to do it all time. So if your partner is really boring sex wise and the person you are having an affair with really turns you on, I say go for it and the Heck with the consequences.

Concerned, I completely agree. I am also a Christian. You guys keep telling him that the news people have the freedom of speech and the press, Concerned does too. They also have the freedom of religion. The rest of you need to let us express ourselves. This society is just getting ridiculous. Our society doesn’t care about any other religions, but they are very anti-Christianity. This nation was built on Christianity. Now the Christians get pushed aside and trampled upon. Let me remind you of something. America is a Christian nation. A melting pot. I’m sick of us conforming. My philosophy is if you don’t like it, you’re welcome to leave. Christians need to stand up for themselves. Quit telling Concerned what they should or shouldn’t do. As for trying sex, I am a teenager and I have not intention of having sex before marriage. Abstinence is best. I have fewer issues this way. I would say no offense, but I don’t care if you’re offended. God called us to be abstinent. We should take care of ourselves. I refuse to live with a man unless we’re married or sleep with him unless we’re married and so on. Let Concerned exercise their rights. You don’t have to agree, just don’t deny us our rights.

LEAVE HER. Duh.

Cheating is wrong and bad no matter what angle you look at it. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and found out that he cheated on me for the last 3 years. I did what every low self-esteem person does and took him back. I thought there was something wrong with me, I did something to deserve this. Wrong….I know that now…2 years later. I not only took him back but totally catered to his every need….only to have him break up with me 6 months later. He told me I was the ‘bad’ person. I snapped at him. I did this or that. I was totally devastated. I still thought after the cheating that this was the man I was going to marry and have children with. In the end he did me a favor by dumping me because I honestly don’t know what it would’ve taken for me to leave him. Now I find myself in quite a predicament. I’ve been having an affair with a married man for almost 5 months. I didn’t go looking for it. It happened at work and he pursued me….BUT, I let him. I feel like a horrible awful person knowing that I had this done to me and now I am intentionally doing this to another woman. It’s wrong, I know that. I’ve tried ending it several times and keep getting sucked back into it. I typically never read anything on Fox news but the actualy news and for some reason today I have found myself totally engulfed with all the postings on here. I know that if this man were to leave his wife I would never be able to trust him….and she shouldn’t trust him if he stays in the marriage. He told me he was bored with life and that he and his wife are more like room-mates than husband and wife. I would never want my husband to feel that way about me. I suggested that he and his wife go to counseling and he is totally against it. They have a young son and I know that he the deal breaker at this point. I also come from parents who stayed married for the kids and that’s a bad situation also. Bottom line, if you are not happy and are going to cheat then you just need to end the marriage/relationship. Easier said than done, but if you ever valued that person at all, let them go and hope like hell they find someone that does want them 100% and can stay faithful.

To the original poster: You have a tough road ahead no matter which decision you make. Just remember that cheating is a vicisous cycle and normally once it is started it doesn’t stop. If you are making the decision to stay because of your children….they will respect you more in the long run by leaving and moving on. Teach them a great lesson in love and hope that when it’s their turn to find love and get married they do it with absolute conviction.

My advice – First, do not ask this “sexpert” for advice. What kind of legitimate, professional “doctor” dresses the way she does. It’s very silly, verging on disgusting.

As far as what you should do about your wife – cheating is a terrible and in my opinion, should not to be tolerated at all. However, typically women cheat due to emotional issues such as a lack of intimacy etc. between she and her husband/partner. If your wife does not want to come back, then move on. While it is admirable you want to forgive her, there are probably some very serious problems in your marriage that need to be addressed and worked on before you two could commit again. At the very least, you sir, should see a psychologist (not a psychotherapist, they have very little education) to work through this painful situation. You deserve to be healthy emotionally and mentally.

If you still want your wife back then you should pray about it. God will help you know what to do. There is actually a lot more I could say on this subject but it would take too long. So, take care and good luck.

Dude, stop being a loser. Your wife is boning another man and you go to the internet for advice on taking her back?

Man up dude and kick this sleezebag to the curb!

And for all you sluts — and yes, if the shoe fits where it — that cheated on their husbands and are posting on here now: stop blaming your husbands for your slut behavior. You’re the one who spread your legs for another man. You are at fault. And your husband will never truly forgive you unless he is just a serious loser that has no prospects of getting another woman. In that case, I feel sorry for both of you to be so pathetic.

There is no excuse for cheating. It is the ultimate transgression in a relationship and needs to be dealt with immediately: KICK THE CHEATER TO THE CURB

Stace,

I appreciate your comment. I went through your situation with my wife. My job was so strssful that I simply failed to pay ANY attention to my wife and kids. It was not intentional. Like te saying goes “S–t happens”. We reconciled, and I do believe that our marriage is stronger. I think communication has been the key. I don’t really wrestle with any trust issues, but there are some things any man considering reconciliation should consider.

First, you can’t beg her to come back. It will end in disaster. I was fortunate, my wife confessed the affiar to me without solicitation.

Second, men tend to be visual. If I wrestle with anythinhg, it is the actual image of the act occurring. My wife can see when it is bothering me and we talk about it.

It’s been 2 and 1/2 years since the affair. It’s been a lot of hard work, but I’m in a god place now.

I’m gonna be peeved if I lose have my crap after all of this – LOL.

To a Jewish man: I’m a Christian women and I’ve done it with a man of the Hebrew faith, and he was the best. He could really satisfy me as opposed to my pantywaist Christian husband.

I went through this for about 3-4 years. My now ex-wife filed in January 2007. I knew she was interested in other men, going on dates, and such. We went to counseling, I tried to forgive, she kept going out. So I can tell you, if she wont stop right now, come home, and apologize, then all is lost. Those 3-4 years of trying to keep it all together nearly destroyed me and had me wishing for death, and asking God to take my life. About a month after she filed for divorce I switched gears, and prayed that God send me an answer other than being with my ex. I dont know if she was Gods answer but I went to lunch with a lady that sat behind me at church. I am married to her now and my life has never been better or happier. My relationship with my teenagers is better, too. Its tough to know when to make that call. For me it was when I thought my life was worthless, because I knew that really was not true.

To john,

How right you are about men being visual. My wife also had an affair, and it was a real turn-on picturing her with the other man. I wish I could have seen it in real life and maybe even joined in.

Dear Anon182, you must be a bit naive to think that there is one “ultimate wrong” that’s worse than another. I agree…that having an affair was extremely selfish, (and it wasn’t for just “a few hours of pleasure”)….but there are other acts of “selfishness” in relationships that are hurtful too. That being said, I would NEVER blame my husband for MY CHOICE to have an affair. I am wrong and have accepted responsibility for my actions. Don’t be naive to think that, when an affair happens, all was not just fine in the relationship and the spouse woke up one day and decided to be unfaithful. There is much hurt in the world and it’s not just unfaithfulness.

Women seem to get a free pass when it comes to affairs. Their affairs are portrayed as “romantic” or they are “just seeking fulfillment”, whereas men are just low down skirt-chasing dogs. That is such a load of bulls–t. John – you were working hard – your wife did not haver to sleep with another man to repair your marriage. I wish you the best, but you did nothing wrong. I hope you can get over it fully – it sounds as if you will have the scars for life.

Christian Woman….now you and the jewish man can look forward to an eternity of punsihment.

Forgive her as all good Christians should, than kick her to the curb. Move on with your kids and enjoy the rest of what life has to offer.

Thank you for your comments “Patty” and “Searching”. You are right on.
I will defend his concern as a Christian as to trying to provide a healthy educational environment for youth. I have already commented here that the doctor’s visual presentation of herself harms her credibility….playing to male lust instead of her demonstrating professional neutrality and good judgement.
Also, to others’ nasty comments here…. there is no reason to bash a person making a comment based upon their faith. If you are going to do that, then why aren’t you bashing the gay guy on here that says the husband should turn gay? Don’t you perceive that as a little ‘nuts’ too?
I have a friend that has had a very bad habit throughout her adult life of tolerating and overlooking the adultry committed against her. Now, she is the same with her new boyfriend….who cheats and often doesn’t bother to disguise it. She shared with me once, that her mother ‘forgave’ her father for his adulterous affair and stayed with him. Seems to me she is using that as an excuse to cling to bad relationships. She has expressed she believes these guys will learn to be faithful after they learn how faithful she is to them.. WHAT???? I think we should all set a zero tolerance for adultery. There is no reason to be ‘desperate’ for anyone’s loyalty when they are incapable…go find a loving person.

This woman is scum: you know it in your heart. You are deceiving yourself as a way to protect yourself from having to face the enormity of the crime committed against you. There is no excuse for adultery. Your faith itself teaches you that adultery is uncontroversial grounds for divorce. God forgives; Jesus forgives. You too may forgive, but you will not forget – and frankly, you will not forgive. There is no sense in trading what you DO think for what you believe you OUGHT to think. The counselling professionals who exist, they say, to counsel you and your adulterous wife back together again are simply parasites and charlatans. Nothing can repair the damage. Reconciliation simply depends on the weakness of the spouse who pretends to forgive: there is no genuine reconciliation. Have faith that this also is God’s design: His creation does not exist to countenance crime and leave injustice unredressed. If you stay with her, you will suffer. Your children will suffer. If you make attempts at reconciliation, she will only hold you in contempt and despise you and deceive you again. This is the way it is. I am extremely sorry for you and your children, sir: it is not your fault. But you will make it your fault if you stay. Leave her. Destroy her if you can. It is not for you to accept and bear a crime without recompense. This event is not an invitation to self-abnegation.

To each his/her own. If you can handle it, invite the wayward spouse back into your life. If not, flush her/him. But …. Just don’t jump right into a divorce until you’ve given it some time to sort out. I once looked in the mirror at a guy who had an affair, and his wife – pretty mad and rightfully so, went right out and filed for divorce. The day the divorce was final, the reality of it all swept over her and she was pretty sad. She tried to get him back then–He’d wanted to come back to her about the time she filed and he had tried to make amends, but then the divorce was all done and he had rekindled the relationship with the affaireee. In the end, her quick trigger caused her more grief than when the lousy bum started it all.

My advice – First, do not ask this “sexpert” for advice. What kind of legitimate, professional “doctor” dresses the way she does. It’s very silly, verging on disgusting.

As far as what you should do about your wife – cheating is terrible and in my opinion, should not to be tolerated at all. However, typically women cheat due to emotional issues such as a lack of intimacy etc. between she and her husband/partner. If your wife does not want to come back, then move on. While it is admirable you want to forgive her, there are probably some very serious problems in your marriage that need to be addressed and worked on before you two could commit again. At the very least, you sir, should see a psychologist (not a psychotherapist, they have very little education) to work through this painful situation. You deserve to be healthy emotionally and mentally.

If you still want your wife back then you should pray about it. God will help you know what to do. There is actually a lot more I could say on this subject but it would take too long. So, take care and good luck.

when one of the spouses committes an affair they violated one of the pillars of marriage 1. love 2. communication 3. trust

once the violation of pillar 3 trust is done you can never trust that person again to be your lover only cause in the back of your mind will always come back to haunt you will they do it again.

let them go and move on because if they trully loved you they would not have done it. I speak from experience.

My point Anne is that breaching trust like that is one of the worst things you can do. There are degrees of betrayal Ann and an affair is one of if not the worst. That is not naiveté but a fact. Sleeping with another man is not a justified reaction any more than hitting a spouse is. Plus I have seen the affect affairs have on children who are old enough to understand and it is not good. I never said that affairs always happen in perfect marriage – my point is that affairs breach the marital trust in the WORST way. The damage lasts a lifetime.

Pray first and then walk in action. God’s (and your wife’s) response will be a reaction to your moves (or lack of.) You can not stay as you are and expect everything to return to normal. I suggest you order Personality Plus 4 CD Set from classervices.com to start to understand the dynamics of your marriage. I also strongly recommend you read the books Five Love Languages and A Time to Mend . There is a reason she left and she has probably been telling you for years. Accept your portion of the blame and ask for forgiveness. Do not condemn her or try to manipulate her in any form. She is wrong in what she is doing, everyone knows that so don’t dwell on it. Your job is to build a bridge in which she can return and if she does, you will have to be her protector.

Only a man, and I am refering to the posters on this web page, would assume they did nothing wrong and push a woman into another mans arms. WAKE UP MEN. if you are not doing your job as a man, let me tell you WE WILL get that attention eleswhere. I am not saying women go looking for it, but it seems to find them and instead of ingoring it, it is recieved. Contrary to what you may thing or belive, it is NOT ABOUT SEX, like it is with men, it is about affection.

Just becuse it is all about sex with men, does not mean it is the same with women, if you would take just one second to know what a woman needs and wants you would know that. If you can’t keep the home fires burning, then some one else will. It is all about doing your job as a man and if you are not up for it, then stay single. Please.

They have been married for 25 years, the ” children ” you are refering to are no longer children. Stop assuming the man has no guilt in this issue, I bet if the entire story were to come out , both sides, it would look alot different.

“However, typically women cheat due to emotional issues such as a lack of intimacy”

This is just f-cking horsecrap. In truth, women are the more deceptive of God’s creations, and this includes self-deception. It is an instinct, as man’s polygamous inclinations are. Object all you like, but teach at a girls’ school and then at a boys’ school and only the pathologically self-deceptive will deny this patent difference between the sexes.

Women cheat because they want sex with a man they think is hot for one reason or another. Men, of course, do the same thing. That is all. But only women come up with utter bullsh-t like “I did it because you didn’t pay enough attention to me.” Shut your pie-hole, Eve.

Anon182….as does physical, mental and substance abuse. That pain lasts a lifetime as well. Get over it trying to prove your point that there’s some sin or “wrong” that is “worst”. You obviously are one of those that’s been “hurt by an affair” of which I spoke in my initial blog. Bless ya anyway!

I told my wife if she ever was miserable and was sure the relationship wouldn’t work get a divorce and separate first. If the other really is in love they will wait for her to close the book on our relationship first.

(I’m a person who never relaxes until i have a backup plan for “worst case scenario” that way when it happens you don’t have figure out what to do you just put the plan in motion)

That said if she or a friend had this problem as soon as it was found out very first night separate immediately the adulterer stays in a hotel or with some friends something starting that night. Only meet for visits on neutral ground (not home or church) to bring their things or arrange a time when you and kids will not be home Give the adulterer space a few days/weeks to sort out what they want to do. The emotional dust must settle before you try and get a clear view of whats happening.

If they are willing to abandon the affair begin counseling but with the spouse still out of the house. (if they are still in the house the only punishment comes from emotional/verbal torture which is probably what started everything in the first place) After a few months or even a year of counseling and only planned meetings. If there has been no recurring affairs and through counseling you’ve identified worked on what went wrong, and your temporary visits have begun to incorporate those new communication methods then the person can move back in.

The home is a sacred place and a rewards for sacrificing certain shallow pleasures to be rewarded for deeper pleasures. If someone tries to cheat this system the home becomes a prison.

First off, I’d like to offer my sympathy for you in this difficult time of your life. I cannot offer advice on your marriage, having never been married myself, but I can offer a consideration from another front.

My father’s first wife cheated on him, eventually leading to their divorce after twenty years of marriage. Despite his anger and pain, he made it a major priority to get along with his ex-wife so that their daughter would have a healthy relationship with both parents. He made her go to visit her mother on scheduled visits (he had custody) even when she was angry at her mother, and today the entire family has a friendly relationship. Both have been happily remarried for twenty-three years.

Whatever happens, and I pray that the Lord’s will might be done whatever that will is, make sure that you remain a good man and a good parent. It’s gonna be tough, and sometimes you’re going to feel that she doesn’t deserve the effort, but you and your kids don’t deserve to be scarred because of her mistake. Don’t let bitterness grow in you OR your children.

You might try to forgive, but you will never forget. It will eat at your insides like an acid. Once the trust is gone, it is over. Sorry pal, Im just giving my two cents from what I went through. You will always want to know everything, but will not want to hear it, if that makes sense. It is a lose/lose situation. Concentrate on your kids and dont argue and fight with her in front of them. Get a lawyer now and put the screws to her, before she does it to you.

During my 13 year marriage, my wife had several affairs. After about 6 years into the marriage, she admitted to 2 of them. We went to counseling, both individually and as a couple. I was able to forgive her, and she promised to never do it again. All of this happened while she was in another affair. After 12 years, se was being blatant about her new affairs, and I filed for divorce.

My point: once a cheater, always a cheater. If you forgive her and she makes a promise to never to it again and you stay together, she will start chaffing against every little glance you give her when she talks about something out of the ordinary that she is going to do. “I’m just going with my friends for a girl’s night out” becomes a huge fight where she is accusing you of accusing her of cheating. She will eventually begin cheating again because she will have convinced herself that you think she is anyway, so “well, if he is going to accuse me of it, I may a well be doing it”.

People aso tend to forget that when one parner has an affair, there is more than just the sexual betrayal that takes place… there is also a lot of lying and continued deception that takes place in order to maintain the affair. It is a series of many choices to lie and deceive. They are all conscious choices. Throughout the affair, there were many places where she could have said “I must not do this, I must stop”, but she chose to move forward wth the deception.

Walk away. Take your children and leave. Make her leave your house. Go after her for alimony, child support, make her give up your last name, keep everything and make her take all the debt. Get the most ferocious divorce attorney you can find and take everything and leave her with nothing. People will accuse you of being mean, but she is the whore (yes she is) who cheated on you and lied to you. Remind them of that fact. If she complains about you stating facts, remind her of the facts as well. Hold the mirror up to her and show her what she did… over and over again.

I wish you a successful divorce and a happy life with the woman who you will find that wants to be with you and not other men.

In response to concerned: It’s comments like yours that make people think this is a religious news site. The fact is that the majority of readers enjoy this section. If you don’t like it, go read bible-news somewhere else. You don’t have to click on the link to read this section if you find it morally objectionable. I think I speak for a lot of people when I ask that you not impose your beliefs on me. I don’t impose my beliefs on you. Maybe you should think about Matt. 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” next time before you go judging people.

GREAT POINT DAN!

to the person who wants this portion of the fox news site regarding sex removed, um….should we also remove one of history’s most sensual writings from the Bible? Try reading the Song of Solomon. God invented sex and wants us to enjoy it, but that isn’t easy when we run into obstacles in the bedroom be it physical or mental. There is nothing morally wrong with helping one another in this arena. Go ahead, read Song of Solomon. It’s beautiful.

To coati: What’s so nuts about being gay? What’s nuts is taking some cheating tramp back because that is the “Christian” thing to do. To all you out there: Don’t knock being gay until you’ve tried it yourself. And believe me this poor wimp is definitely gay, even if he hasn’t figured it out yet, his wife apparently has.

Look “Dan”, women DO typically cheat due to emotional issues. However, cheating is ALWAYS WRONG AND IS A TERRIBLY EGGREGIOUS THING TO DO.

People should stick to the topic which is a very interesting one. This man obviously loves his wife and it isn’t easy (when you actually have a heart and are a real person) to just give up on your marriage. Many people, even in today’s ‘everyone’s disposable’ world, are human beings enough to try to look at the full situation before they just strike back in kind. Maybe he can forgive her or maybe not. Bless him for being a human being either way — until he reaches a decision that makes him comfortable he won’t be free of the pain she has caused, and she is the one at fault here, not him…

Sidenotes to some bloggers here: 1)Why is someone an anti-Semite if they say anything disagreeing with a Jew? What do you call someone who is against or doesn’t help anyone who isn’t Jewish? 2) Why do gays always have to try to convince a guy he’s gay if his woman cheats on him or if they’re having problems in their relationship? Leave straight guys alone and stop trying to prey on them at a time of ‘weakness’.

oops typo…it is, egregious.

“I LOVE MY EX HUSBAND, I JUST CANT LIVE WITH HIM,I LOVE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD BUT I HATE THE LIFE WE BUILT TOGETHER”

Anne, Adultery is one of the worst along with physical cruelty. Like I said there are degrees of betrayal and adultery is one of the worst breaches of trust one partner can commit. The scars last a lifetime especially when kids witness, they have trouble trusting people. I have seen this in families, which is why I detest adultery.

okay, i just watched Dr. Fullbright’s response and um…is she for real? I heard lots of “you need to do this” and “you need to do that” from her. Seriously? She doesn’t present herself as a legitimate doctor. She dresses like a co-ed on spring break, but putting the nonprofessional image Dr. Fullbright presents aside, I DO think she’s wrong with her evaluation. With so little information how can she put the weight of the problem on this man’s shoulders?

What bothers me more than the adultry is the fact that your wife apparently moved out. Anyone can slip and give into temptation and they need help getting out, but to leave your family…that’s a pretty deliberate, thought out act. I’d be furious with her as a father for leaving her children, even moreso than the adultry, which is really horrible enough.

May God give you wisdom as you walk through this valley and keep in mind, as one noter already said, forgiving your wife does not mean you have to take her back. The ball is in her court on this one. She cheated on you and left her family. It is up to her, not you to make amends. It’s clear you love her and I hope for all of your sakes that she comes around.

Best of luck.

I’m disappointed Fox News would stoop so low with the addition of the tacky Sexpert. This is not news. Leave this kind of crap for Dr. Phil and Oprah.

I agree with doc. And I will add…think long and hard about it. If your sons are grown… let her go. 25 years might be a lot for her and she is finaly finding freedom and love. Or just freedom … If you truly love her there is nothing to forgive her for.
Good luck!

Talking to the invisible tooth fairy in the sky won’t accomplish a fiddlers fart. Decide whether or not if the marriage is worth saving and if you are committed to it enough to give it another try. If so, then simply do it. If not, say goodbye and get on with life.

The adultery rate in so-called Christian marriages is just as high as in marriages in general. Your first step to healing is to get over the holier-than-thou ‘I can forgive because I’m a Christian’ crappola. Real life is more fulfilling and far simpler when not compounded by superstitious/religious silliness.

I HAD A WIFE OF TWENTY YEARS HAVE A AFFAIR WITH A SELF-PROCLAIMED PREACHER AND HAD A STD THAT SHE BLAMED ON ME TO MY DAUGHTERS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. IT DEVASTED MY LIFE AND LOT’S OF FAMILY MEMBERS. SHE FLED TO PELZER,SC AND I AM SURE SHE HAS NOT CHANGED HER WAYS AT ALL. SHE HAD NO REMORSE AND I HAD TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE. IF THEY DO IT ONCE I BELIEVE THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN.

Once a cheater always a cheater….. You broke the circle of trust…. Pack your bags!!!!

I don’t entirely buy the “once a cheater, always a cheater” line. But I do believe that once someone cheats on their significant other, they will always be capable of cheating on them, and will likely become a repeat offender if forgiven and taken back. I don’t know the people involved in all this, but it is likely that it would be in your best interest to leave her and focus on self-improvement and not letting her hurt you anymore. Please try to forgive her and let her go. Try to keep a good rapport with her for the children. You need to be strong for them in these trying times. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

I am also going through the same thing. After 11 yrs together my wife had an affair, I found out confronted her and she told me the affair was over and she would have no more contact with the affair partner. She lied and hid it along with having more affairs over the next 2 1/2 yrs, we have now filed for divorce. I am with the people that say once a liar and a cheater always a liar and a cheater. She even said to me “well I was good for 11yrs” as if she deserved a gold star on her forehead and was now entitled to do whatever she wanted. We both still Love each other very much and I know she is sorry for hurting ma and for what she has done but once it is done you can’t undo it. I am appaled at anyone including Dr. Fulbright saying that it is the injured parties fault for not paying enough attention or that the injured party needs to say they are sorry for anything. There is just plain no excuse for infidelity, if you want out of a marriage get out then do what you want, but you took a vow and breaking it shows low morals and cheating shows no integrity in your self. Karma equalizes the world and all those that hurt thier loved ones by cheating eventually have it come back to them in many ways.

Admit it, Annon, it’s happened to you hasn’t it?

You may want to consider why she’s had this affair. Do you pay proper attention to your wife? Are you still attracted to her? Does she feel loved and appreciated? Do you spend time with her? Is she all of the above feelings to you?

From what I understand, if any of the above answers is “no,” than women (and men with their wife in a vice-versa situation) will find love elsewhere if it’s unavailable at home. I’ve never been married, and I’ve never had a relationship much longer than a year, and I’m only 27 years old, so I’m only going on what I’ve been told and what I’ve read.

At this point, there is some kind of disconnect in the relationship, and whether or not a couple wants to make it work depends on the relationship itself. If you know it’s not going to work, then it’s time to end things rather than raise your kids in a loveless home. The only real way (so I’ve heard) to make it work is by going to therapy. A counselor is someone outside your emotional bubble, and will be able to view things from an objective, educated, and professional vantage point. If your wife refuses counseling, it’s a pretty good sign to let her go and find someone who is a better fit. Remember, you can always forgive, but you will never forget, and such trust is not very easily mended.

Actually Anne – not to me personally but to people very close to me….and it was devastating to them….no the marriages weren’t perfect, but cheating is a self-centered act which destroys families and children.

Only thing I can tell you is: You can not maintain a marriage with someone who doesn’t want to be married. If she moved out and is living with another man, it is a good indication that she doesn’t want to be married. Aside: Adultery is the most selfish act on the face of the earth. Adultery hurts everyone who knows about it, not just the marriage. For all who have had an affair….you probably agree if your being truthful, the only thing you thought about when you had the affair was yourself.

Good Luck.

As far as what you should do about your wife – cheating is terrible and in my opinion, should not to be tolerated at all. However, typically women cheat due to emotional issues such as a lack of intimacy etc. between she and her husband/partner. If your wife does not want to come back, then move on. While it is admirable you want to forgive her, there are probably some very serious problems in your marriage that need to be addressed and worked on before you two could commit again. At the very least, you sir, should see a psychologist (not a psychotherapist, they have very little education) to work through this painful situation. You deserve to be healthy emotionally and mentally.

If you still want your wife back then you should pray about it. God will help you know what to do. There is actually a lot more I could say on this subject but it would take too long. So, take care, good luck and I hope you find happiness.

OK, hear it from someone who was married 20 years and has the same basic beliefs about forgiveness as you. I wanted to forgive and have everything back to normal. I asked her to come back and she did but it fell apart again because she never really gave up on the new man in her life.
Now in retro-spect, I think you should prepare to go on with your life and do not beg her to come back. Leave a small willingness to reconcile if she approaches you. Decide under what conditions you will start again with her, especially the must have (ie, she never sees the new man again, EVER!) and don’t yield on them. Do examine your own life and honestly see what you might need to change in your life that could have been a motivating factor in your wife leaving for another man. This will not only help should she come back but more likely it will prepare you for someone new. Most of all, take care of you and the kids first. If your Church does not have a divorce care group, find a church that does. You will need the emotional and practical support whether you divorce or not. Get a lawyer to assure your and the kids future is protected.
Finally, look in the mirror and tell yourself she may be gone for good. Coming to grips with that reality is something I waited too long to do. Also, wait before a new relationship. Experts say you should not remarry until a year for every 5 you were married. I know this sounds like a long time but I can say it really does take that long. You will unfairly hurt and use someone to try to heal emotionally and if you are a Christian, you will have to deal with that too.

I think counseling is a joke for this kind of thing. Unless the therapist has been in a similar situation, all they can give you is textbook pie in the sky crap. If it’s meant to be, face it head on and pray ya make it. If you can’t make it together, it ws probably not meant to be.

RE: Surviving an affair.

I am a christian too. 8 Years ago I had it happen to me too, I also had sons. We tried christian counceling, ultimately that helped. Maybe not in a way most would think. It left the ball in his court. That way he was making the decision to stay or to go. He chose not to stay by not following the “rules” that we had made up. By him having the decision making power I don’t have to feel guilty for being a divorced christian. Good luck!

P.S. I am remarried to the most wonderful man. Also, my ex and I are friends and I have forgiven him!!!

My first question..as a Christian why are you seeking advice from a secular source? You should be going straight to your pastor for “biblical” counseling. God HATES divorce and so in addition to forgiving you are to do whatever possible to reconcile your marriage. I know firsthand that God can restore a marriage completely. I committed adultery against God and my husband 14 years ago. I was not a Christian then but God revealed Himself to me and I totally repented of my sin and was saved as a result. My husband (contrary to what the world may believe) has completely forgiven me and FORGOTTEN my offense. God has blessed us with a closeness that I can’t even explain after 17 years of marriage. Continue to pray for your wife that the Holy Spirit will convict her of her sin and that she will repent and come back. Don’t lose hope but whatever you do, DO NOT appeal to the secular world for guidance.

I think that waiting for marriage to have sex is about the most ridiculous thing to do EVER.

What happens if you get married to a man who has some sort of limp disease?
What if he looks like a pencil? What if his thingie is tampon shaped and you can’t feel a thing?

DIVORCE. If only you had had sex before you got married!

And yes, I do think the man is partially to blame when a woman has an affair. Women have sex for MUCH different reasons than men do. Men have sex because they see a hole. Women have sex because they want an emotional connection. When they come home from work and some fat tub of crap is sitting in the SAME CHAIR, smelling of beer and farts, watching football expecting you to clean up the messes he just made in his underpants when he pushed too hard on the last gas cloud building up from the tuna sandwich in the fridge that he ate which was meant to be your lunch for work tomorrow.

Gee….. how could a woman DO THAT to her husband? READ ABOVE.
I’m not saying that the man who wrote this Q for A was a lazy slob, but you lazy bastards need to do some work around the damned house. Shoveling the three times it snows, and cleaning the gutters once a year HARDLY qualifies as “your share”. Do you own damned laundry, your own damned dishes, vacuum once in a while, and wipe your gross pubes off the toilet once in a while. Guess what? You’ll get laid like a couple of rabbits.

I do think the man is partially to blame when a woman has an affair. Women have sex for MUCH different reasons than men do. Men have sex because they see a hole. Women have sex because they want an emotional connection. When they come home from work and some fat tub of crap is sitting in the SAME CHAIR, smelling of beer and farts, watching football expecting you to clean up the messes he just made in his underpants when he pushed too hard on the last gas cloud building up from the tuna sandwich in the fridge that he ate which was meant to be your lunch for work tomorrow.

Gee….. how could a woman DO THAT to her husband? READ ABOVE.

I’m not saying that the man who wrote this Q for A was a lazy slob, but you lazy ones need to do some work around the house. Shoveling the three times it snows, and cleaning the gutters once a year HARDLY qualifies as “your share”. Do you own laundry, your own dishes, vacuum once in a while, and wipe your gross “body hairs” off the toilet once in a while. Guess what? You’ll have sex a lot more often than ever imaginable after 10 years.

First there is no PROOF of god. Second, as a higher mammal sex is a big part of our makeup. Third there is no damn god. Fourth if you make sex seem taboo ,you get molesting preists, cheaters and child molesters. Fifth THERE IS NO PROFF OF ANY HIGHER POWER. The mind can be a terrible thing, cuz you come up with crazy notions of gods and punishment for misdeeds. HAVE ALL KINDS OF SEX you might like it!!

“Your not teaching on how to not have sex but how to make it more fun. Was it fun when JESUS died on the cross? NO? It had to be done. Just like this section being removed has to be done.”

RAWL LOL! You’re comparing intamacy to torture? Really? Come on now…. really? Sad. Hey, if you don’t like the section on the site, don’t click on the link. You can choose to ignore it.

BTW… to believe that god didn’t mean sex to be an enjoyable experience is just silly and nurotic.

I say ask your kids what they feel is best. The same thing happened to my family where my mom cheated and has now remarried. She tried hiding it till we were about 18. It sucked a lot but now looking back, i realize that maybe it wasnt meant to be. Its scary to because i know have doubts about marriage. I think you need to have a lot of respect for yourself and move on.

To Grace: Why do you say that God hates divorce? In the Hebrew bible there are specific divorce laws. If God hates divorce they wouldn’t appear in the bible. Also, how do you know that you husband has forgiven you? Maybe he is having an affair? You can never be sure.

Joe…and all who think that adultery is the ultimate in wrong! There are MANY MANY other digressions that hurt “everyone involved”, that are “ultimate in selfishness”, “cause a lifetime of pain” to children involved. Pain is pain…hurt is hurt. Who are you to say to what degree adultery hurts someone vs. physical abuse, alcohol abuse, emotional abandonment? If you really want to get technical here….suicide has been said to be the “ultimate selfish act” leaving behind a lifetime of pain for those that loved them.

I stand by my intial blog, that the arrogance, anger and bitterness of those on here is a result of having been hurt by unfaithfulness…in some way shape or form. Try having a positive outlook and working towards a healthy healing process rather than spending your day blogging about how awful it is and how it’s the wrongest wrong in the world! Maybe take some responsibility (as I have for my wrong) in whatever issues you have….maybe your negativeness? your arrogance? hmmmm????

I’m guessing aranda may that your marraiage is not so good. It is not fair for you to group all men in that category. You need an attitude adjustment.

Happened to me, 25 years married, two children. Caused me a heart attack and almost loss of my job. Couldn’t eat, Couldn’t sleep, Couldn’t concentrate. Lost 15 lbs. the first month. It was hell! Knowing myself I know I could never take her back. My advise: Dump Her. Divorce is going to cost you half of everything you own so be prepared for the hit. I had to sell my house where we had lived for over 25 years because her boyfriend got her to hound me to sell it for half the profit. Half of all my savings for retirement, plus bank accounts etc… went to her. Do I regret it, not for one moment. Initially get yourself some Prozac, it saved me and I swear by it. After a few years you won’t need it. Join a support group, I joined Parents Without Partners, met some great people. Start dating again, initially it difficult but then becomes easier. There are a lot of women in the same boat as you and they really appreciate a good man as they have been also abused by their ex’s. I was 52 years old when it happened, my children were over 21 and living on their own. I got layed off due to downsizing at my job when I was 56 but was offered an early retirement package (not enought to live on in the U.S.), took it and moved to Costa Rica. Met and married a beautiful young, 30 years old, Costa Rican girl (the looks of a movie star). Enjoying the time of my life, wish my ex had run off when I was much younger. My advice again, DUMP HER, start a new life. Good Luck!

I am a 28 year old woman going through the same thing. Though I have not been married for 25 years, I’ve been married for 7 years and recently had a baby when my husband left me for another woman. It was devistating enough after 7 years and a new baby, I wouldn’t want to imagine 25 years and three kids. However, we are working it out because we feel that we’ve been through so much in these past 7 years to just give up and opt out for the easy solution, divorce. I encourage the man to give it one more try if she’s willing to. I don’t want to go through life wondering “what if?” I also want to be able to tell my child that I did give it an honest try if it doesn’t work out and if it does, then it does.

LEAVE HER brother. You will ALWAYS wonder if she will do it again, guaranteed. Once that trust is broken, it can never be repaired. I, too, am a Christian, but the reality is, you will never ever ever forget what she did. Keep it nice for the sake of the children and move on. She will realize she made a terrible mistake, it’s just not fair for you to have to hang around and wait for that time.

Not to sound like a total pig, but if you believe in “an eye for an eye”, go have some fun.

Yeah sure, let her come back home. Then, when she cheats on you again, you’ll have practice groveling to her and your kids can wonder why their dad is such a weak pushover.

I bet she was cheating long before you found out. Once a cheater, always a cheater but go ahead, forgive, turn the other cheek and before you know it, some other man will “know” your wife in the biblical sense again.

Maybe you should’ve tried to liven things up in the bedroom; missionary with the lights off isn’t as exciting to some people.

Okay, so what do I do? I’ve been married for almost 8 years. We have 2 young children. The last couple of years, my husband has allowed his job to become more important than our relationship. He is out of the house by 5:00 am and doesn’t return until 8:00 or later almost EVERY night. I work fulltime, take care of the house, take care of the kids, everything by myself. When he does get home, he usually falls asleep on the couch while watching TV and doesn’t make it to our bed until after mid-night, if at all. When he is around, he brings a lot of negativity from his job with him and has a crappy attitude toward myself and the kids. There is no affection between us anymore – rarely do we have sex. I am very lonely, even when he is home, because he never is “really” there.

So there is a guy at work, also married, who gives me attention. We get a long very well, he tells me the things I wish I could hear from my husband. We are very attracted to each other, although we haven’t acted on this attraction (physically) because of our respective marriages. Emotionally, on the other hand, we are very involved with each other. I know this consititutes emotional cheating, and that there is a risk of it becoming physical. I have tried to explain my lonliness and feelings to my husband, calmly in discussions, during arguments, and on paper in a letter. He either doesn’t get it, or doesn’t care. I have threatened divorce so that I could find someone who has time for me and the kids. He doesn’t take ma seriously. I have told him I am not in love with him anymore (it is very hard to have those feelings for him). I stick around because of my kids – if it weren’t for them, I would have left a long time ago. He is a good father- when he is around.

So what should I do? I have tried everything I can think of to get his attention again. I would rather work on our marriage and get back to the love and friendship we once had. But I can’t do it alone. In the meantime, the other guy fills the gaps (emotionally) my husband has left wide open. I can honestly understand why a woman would cheat on her husband, since I am very tempted to do so myself. It has taken great restraint not to physically cheat on his thus far.

It seems the transgressors want to downplay the act of adultery, and it can’t be. I think its because the adulterers want to still believe they are trustworthy people. I know the children of such marriages and they have either grown into adulterers (believing it is ok since a parent did it) or have grown up with trust issues. Yes there are many hurts but some are worse than others, and your spouse sharing their bed with someone else is one of the worst. Stop trying to diminish the gravity of the sin. No one on this board every said it was the only sin in a relationship. I just wish our civil laws better reflected the gravity of this sin instead of letting these people walk away with half of everything.

One thing I have noticed is that it has been made somewhat, “socially acceptable” for a spouse to cheat on their significant other. Moreso with women nowadays. My friend who owns the bar I visit on weekends told me that no matter what, “everyone cheats”. He said, “go out and get yours”. Well, that discourages me from even remotely coming close to getting married. Some of the women that commented on this thread make it a point to justify their actions by saying, “we just weren’t communicating enough”. That sounds like a crock of B.S. to me. If you feel the urge to cheat, you should resolve the problem in the first place instead of jeapardizing the lives of your family. Doing anything other would be assinine. My response to a cheating wife would be “Adios and don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.” It would be better for the kids and myself. At least the kids don’t have to be surrounded by a lie.

I would envite her to have her boyfriend join in on a threesome. I think that would allow you to meet the new boyfriend and if your so inclined…see what it is like to be entered from behind by a man. I think you might enjoy the experience and welcome a new friend to your family. If that doesn’t work…try bitch slapping the pig wife of yours you freaking wuss! Jesus Christ…what kind of pussy are you anyway? My advise??? Get a pair!!!

Look, it’s just sex. Most of us had a lot of it before we got married.

That being said, the violation here is the vow made when the marriage was entered into. The contract is broken and you, the victom, have the right to define new terms, if you have remained loyal!

Putting the health issues aside, you have a unique oportunity to define the rest of your life, now. Unfortunately, women will say or do anything to get what they want. Follow your bliss and your moral compas. Ignore the crying and emotional leverage.

Visualize where you want to be in a year, five or 10. If that visualization includes your wife, try to reconcile. If not, it’s time to move on. Make your decisions based on what is good for you. You don’t have to change anything, it’s not your fault. Remember who broke the vow!

Will

So She cheated on You? Your next move should be to kick Her to the curb. She did it once, she’ll more than likely do it again.

They wouldn’t print my original advice…so I’ll water it down. Go out and get a pair!

Anne,

I don’t recall writing that adultery is the ultimate act of selfishness…but it is very very selfish. Why do you insist on defending it? There is no justification for it. You have a guilty conscience obviously. I don’t blame you for your mistakes, but you do have to be responsible for them. There are things that one partner may lack in a relationship, but that does not give the other the right to go out and look for it somewhere else….theres nothing else to say…instead of defending your iniquity you should take responsibilty.

I wish my wife WOULD have an affair, then I would know that at least somebody is getting some!

‘To Grace: Why do you say that God hates divorce? In the Hebrew bible there are specific divorce laws. If God hates divorce they wouldn’t appear in the bible.’

Good grief, for a title like ‘Theologian’ that was pretty weak. God hates divorce. Period. Need proof? Take a look at Matthew 19:7-8. After all, it’s the book people say that God speaks to us through -

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

I mean, a quick google search can save you a bundle of time on issues like these. Further on, Jesus also talks about how hard NOT accepting divorce is for mankind. Mankind doesn’t hate divorce because our hearts are hardened by sin. God hates divorce because He is perfect and loves us.

Obviously, for those who are not christians, divorce is easy and acceptable. It is also one reason why our law and culture, which wants to promote an easier, faster, more convenient way to live, is moving away from marriage. Because it’s a tough standard for a reason!

to concerned: im sure there are many things u can find on the internet or in this world that u might disagree with. keep your opinion to yourself and stay out of blogs that have topics you cant add anything meaningful to..

to andrew: so basically…u cant get laid. sucks for u man.

to the guy with the cheating wife: hate to tell u this man, but if u aint layin the pipe right and keepin your woman satisfied, she gonna turn somewhere else. dont get it twisted… women think about sex probably just as much as men, and most of them want a man to turn them out (meaning satisfy her desires, whatever they may be). its your job to get “it” out of her, and if you dont do it, she’ll secretly wish another man would… (even tho she may be strong enough to resist. which in your case, she wasnt). either step your sex game up, or leave her alone. or both……

if my post offended some of you… i dont apologize. the truth is sometimes hard to handle.

Lonely,

I have some advice: run from the other dude while you still can….why put yourself in a situation that will ultimately lead to one end. You do, because you wish and hope it does happen….and right now in your mind are trying to justify having an affair before you have it. My advice is run as fast as you can and make things right with your husband.

Why would anyone want to sleep w/dirty sheets??? I mean if you don’t wanna wash them and use them again toss em and buy a new set….Otherwise move on and don’t dwell.

My parents recently went through this. My mother had an affair after 25 years of marriage. They tried to make it work but it was never the same. I don’t think my dad could truly forgive her and treat her the way he did before. She finally left again and is now married to the man she left the family for. Needless to say my sisters and I are having a hard time. I think it would of been better for everyone to end it right away rather than drag it out. Cheating is something that will always be in a relationship and the trust will never be completely restored.

To OPEN MINDED – Yeah we’ve come a long way in 200 years… 1 in 4 teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Thanks public school sex ed!

Lew,… your assumption that because you are a christian you have some higher level of mortality and that you expect a higher level of proper behavior from your self or other christians is BS.

Christians put themselves on pedestals as assume they are so much wiser and better than non christians because you believe in a invisible super daddy. Being a theist does not make you perfect.

A christian or any other theist is not more moral than those who are not christian.

the belief in Gods don’t make you a better human being on any level.

A cheating spouse is first and foremost a lier. The lies make the family vulnerable to the outsider. The outsider is the invader of the marriage and should be held accountable too. How may kids are victims of those outsiders? The kids are put in a situation where they can be abused sexually by the outsider.

A cheating spouse should be given over to the outsider with the understanding the children are not part of the deal. and neither is the family’s wealth. Many times the outsider sees an opportunity to get wealth not just a new sex partner from the marriage.

Also the cheating spouse lies just as much to the outsider as she/he does to their spouse.

It is best to let the lier go with the outsider, so she/he can lie to them when the next outsider comes along. The cheating spouse will paint a ugly picture of the one they are cheating on to make themselves look good to the outsider. But in time they will do the same to the outsider and repeat the same old story.

This is especially true of those with NPD. They never change. they always claim to be the victim, then treat the new outsider the same as they did the abandoned spouse, this is repeated over and over again leaving a lifetime of misery.

If you cheat with a married person, always expect them to cheat on you, because they will.

Don’t think you are somehow so much better than the one they left, you are just as likely to be cheated on yourself.

She needs to go. Now. If your sons see you getting walked all over, they’ll repeat the same behavior in their own lives; your wife has introduced a destructive, repugnantly selfish act into your home. You have an obligation to the integrity of your remaining family to deal with it appropriately – send her packing. If she did it once, she’ll be back having sex with someone else sooner or later. If you allow her back into your home, get ready for your sons to allow their future wives to manipulate and cheat on them also.

Don’t let anyone blame you – if she was that miserable, she should have ended the marriage before acting out. Get to the gym, focus on the boys, and get tested for HIV’s.

Plenty of good women out there – get in shape and find one.

Obviously, you’ve got to divorce her. Let her family know that it was her inability to control herself and talk out your problems that led to this sad state of affairs. Remember, she is not the victim in all this! And let the children know this, too, but be subtle about it. Their mother will be forever diminished in their eyes. And you’d be doing a favor for your future ex-wife as she’ll have a postive goal to reach (for a change) as she tries to re-establish the children’s trust over the next 15 to 20 years.

Then petition the courts for custody. I’d make a play for the second half of the year. That way, you’ll have all the good holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s nothing like that Christmas phone call to bring the family all together!

And during those brief moments when you must speak with her, talk about the good old days, like when the children were born, their first Christmas, when they learned to walk, etc. If she reciprocates, give her a moment. Look for that light of warmth and recognition in her eyes. Then curtly ask her how the other man is doing.

And while all this is fun, I know that you’re really hurting.
Take solace in the fact that you are a good person and can meet someone else to share your life. And remember, if she’s cheated once, she’ll more than likely do it again and it’s just a matter of time before she leaves that new man.
And if you’re diligent in following the steps I’ve outlined, the chances are very good that she will die miserable and alone.

Best of luck to you and your boys, Jim.

Wow, amazing that all of the so-called “Christians” just expect that poor man to take back his cheating wife. Evidently you know nothing of a little thing called “trust”? My ex-wife cheated on me and I took her back, trying to do the “right” thing. Unfortunately, I never trusted her again…and she wound up leaving me for another woman.

So talk all you want, but until you’ve walked a mile in that poor man’s shoes, your “Christian” advice is worth about as much as Monopoly money. And as for “James” and his “bible advice”: it’s painfully obvious you’ve never had to deal with a cheating wife. You ought to be ashamed for preaching and not actually understanding the situation.

I’m very glad I went through that divorce: I met the woman of my dreams and have been happily married for just over four years now.

So to that poor man with a cheating wife: it’s time to go. Your kids will thank you later, even if they don’t understand now (my father cheated on my mom and she left him).

To “Lonely” – NEVER, EVER CHEAT! STOP TALKING TO THE CO-WORKER NOW. DO YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED? IF YES, GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING FAST AND FOCUS SOLELY ON YOUR MARRIAGE. IF YOU WANT A DIVORCE AND YOU TRULY BELIEVE THERE IS NO FIXING IT, GET A DIVORCE. THEN YOU NEED THERAPY BUT FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, NEVER CHEAT, DO NOT DATE DURING YOUR DIVORCE, AND WAIT A FEW MONTHS AFTER THE DIVORCE BEFORE DATING. GOOD LUCK.

I’m a Catholic, and I believe that sex should be reserved for marriage. However, I read this column often. I think the advice can usually be used equally inside marriage. My fiance is also a Master’s student in some of the good doctors classes. I also believe this topic is an important one for Christians. Obviously, we all hope that we are never put inthis situation, but people make mistakes and make bad choices (even Christians!). I have a very Catholic idea of marriage, and will NEVER get divorced. My fiances grandmother was married for ten years when her husband ran off to Callifornia with another woman. She remained faithful to her marriage vows until the day her husband died, because she refused to back out on the vow she made before God. Being true to her own beliefs was more important. I would suggest that this man makes the best effort he can to work things out and reunite with his wife. It’s hard, but if both partners are willing to make the effort, it is possible for marriages to bounce back after infidelity. The most important thing you can do is be the best husband you can, and pray ferverently and often for your partner. Good luck.

Kim, do you and your sisters accept your moms new husband? How is your dad holding up?

HA! Anon….you must be the bitter spouse of the person I had an affair with! I NEVER tried to diminsh what I did. NEVER. In fact, I said I felt very guilty and ashamed. And I work every day to try and repair that damage of done!

And JOE…read back….I HAVE taken full responsibility for what I did!

My only point is that every situation is different. Some relationships are repairable and others aren’t. There is no “blanket” answer or advice to give.

Trust is like a fresh sheet of smooth writing paper. Once you crumple it, you can try to straighten it over and over, but you never get out all the wrinkles.

So She cheated on You? you are lucky she didnt give you VD, Your next move should be to kick Her to the street. She did it once, she’ll more than likely do it again, again,again. if you take her back you deserve ever STD she brings home. you can never trust her again period. kick her out and find you a good woman instead of a low down slut. i would pick up a prositute once a week before i would stoop as low as taking her back.

Um Anne, I’m not but it shows me a lot about you that you’d mock the woman whose husband you slept with.

Having been on both sides, the cheater and the cheated on, I can see this problem from both sides. If you forgive the woman that is great, and yes you will never forget the fact that she cheated.

I cheated because my needs, both emotionally and sexually were not being met. also as someone else on here has said, she was definitely overspending. I held down two jobs to make ends meet.

I forgave her, she took me back for financial reasons, We stayed in the marriage until the children were grown, and then went our seperate ways.

Don’t ever, ever beg her/him to come back, if you ask her or him to return to the marriage, do it as an adult and with some dignity.

Having gone way past that point (cheating) and now being in a relationship with a wonderful person, I can honestly see value in all viewpoints.

The cheater will more than likely cheat again, I didn’t, she did.

We saw a marriage counselor, at the time the counselor said I couldn’t put the marriage back together by my self and she wasn’t interested, her boyfriend brought her to the counseling session when he (counselor) arrived at that decision.

To those who suggest kicking her to the curb imediately, I would like to say perhaps that very attitude of uncaring about the other persons needs is why your own relationship fell apart or will.

It is true you can forgive, but never forget, so if you can’t deal with that aspect of living with the person after you get back together, then it is better that you don’t.

No one should ever be so quick to suggest that someone dump the other person at once, what works for one person does not always work for the next. Everything is not always black or white in a relationship and to try to make it so is to simplify the relationship to the point of absurdity.

First try counseling, then try other things, and if it doesn’t work then divorce him/ her.

Dear concerned, while I don’t agree with what you said, still I honestly believe you have the right to express your opinion the same as the rest of us, and no one has the right to say you don’t.

If your partner cheats (even if you kick them out) try to look for the underlying reason for the cheating.

If you don’t understand why they did it, then you are probably doomed to repeat the same problems in your next relationship.

If you are involved in a relationship where you or your partner cheat, try to learn from it if nothing else.

There is a lot of pain involved when a person cheats in a relationship, but don’t accept the idea that you cannot live without that person, as time will teach you that you can.

It happened to me in my 7th year of marriage. At the time, I stayed for my kids sake. I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken home. I swallowed my pride and originally my thought was to get the kids grown and gone and then leave her. But my wife and I grew closer to our faith in Christ and we have now been married for 21 years. God gave my wife a new heart and she has been a different person ever since. I also think that people can grow apart, but they don’t wait to grow back together again. They think it’s always going to be this way, and then start looking for another to bond with. Being married for 21 years taught me that there are ebbs and flows in marriage. You are not always going to be closer than close. Men also need to always communicate their thoughts and feelings. This is tough for guys, but a lack of communication will invite this type of harm. Don’t be a doormat and allow yourself to be mistreated, but if your spouse wants to reconcile, time does heal wounds.

I think the fact that you are trying to stick by your wife during this difficult time in your life shows just how honorable you are and how much you meant your vows when you said them. If your wife is sorry about the affair than you should take her back but only if she can fully understand what she has put her family through. God Bless you

To the women on this board concerned over a lack of ‘emotional support’:

I often hear about what women look for in a relationship. And a common answer is a ‘real’ man.
Well, ladies, ‘real’ men don’t like to talk about their feelings or your feelings or even their drinking buddy’s feelings. John Wayne never talked about feelings and most ‘real’ men make him look like a pussy.

That’s why you should build your ‘emotional support’ system with your lady friends. I cannot stress this enough. 9 out of 10 women who site a lack of emotional support from their spouse as a reason for their infidelity simply lack even a small network of female friends.
This is not to say that men are unwilling to speak with their wives about her feelings. But it’s akin to explaining quantum mechanics to a fourth grader. This is not the man’s fault.

If you want to save your marriage, go make some friends. Have some Girls’ Night Outs.
Failing this, buy yourself a vibrating toy and start watching the Lifetime channel, because you will never make a relationship work in the long-term.

to lonely :
‘So what should I do? I have tried everything I can think of to get his attention again. I would rather work on our marriage and get back to the love and friendship we once had. But I can’t do it alone. In the meantime, the other guy fills the gaps (emotionally) my husband has left wide open. I can honestly understand why a woman would cheat on her husband, since I am very tempted to do so myself. It has taken great restraint not to physically cheat on his thus far.”

show you comment here to your husband… put it in his car to read while you are not with him. give him time to think… no pressure… when he is ready to talk about it he will… if he does not …. then it is time to end the marriage.. as it has already died. if he does want to talk. suggest a counselor.. good outside help can make a difference.

If you think your are the only one suffering here, you are not. The kids are too!! because he is not there for them either. And so is he…. he does not know how to deal with it so he uses work as a other spouse. He may also be cheating on you.

The kids know something is not right… the sooner you fix it , the soon all of you will be able to move on, either together or separate, at least you will not be a house of strangers building walls of resentment and mistrust.

As for the other guy, how do you know his marriage is not just like yours.

Don’t start another fire until you know the first one is completely out and you know what put it out or you will find yourself and your kids in the same situation again.

Make sure the next one is not just a temporary fix for a life long problem. Just because the guy is so wonderful to you don’t think he would be that way if he had responsibility to you like he does his wife. Many times people will be so wonderful to strangers and treat those at home like crap.

Your position as a co-worker will be a lot different then he would have with you as a wife.

Whats on the other side of the bridge may look wonderful, but remember the distance can distort what is really there. You may feel you are close to this guy, but you do not know the real him like his wife does. the side you see may be a very different person or just like the one you already have. you just don’t know it. He may be treating his wife the same way you are already being treated. When you cheat… you usually get what you pay for.. something for nothing = nothing.

Don’t drag it out for the kids sake.. when they get older they will resent you for not moving on. he will be the hero. The mom always gets blamed, no matter what she does. because he has the money and the kids will be easily swayed with it. But if you leave while they are young, they may be able to see you in a marriage that works and you are given the love and respect you deserve. Otherwise if they are older, they will blame you for not leaving. you just can’t win. but if they can see that you can be loved and treated with respect they can learn that respect from another and you will not be the bad guy after all. otherwise you may find the kids will treat you the same as he does because he is the only role model they have had on how YOU should be treated.

There is nothing more painful than having your kids treat you like their dad did especially if he was abusive and hateful. There is nothing you can do to change their minds or how they treat you because they have been programmed that that is the normal way you should be treated. Your protests and effort to reach them will only make it worst. The only option you have is to give up on them too. because if you don’t it will drive you insane with sadness.

good luck

All I can say is that no one giving advice is in your shoes. Do what you believe to be right. The affair occurred because of problems in both of your lives and your life together. Whether or not you can or should continue as a couple is something you both need to explore together in private (with the help of a good, nonjudgmental therapist).

I went through hell when my first husband cheated on me not once but multiple times. We had problems that he refused to address and our relationship broke apart for good.

What you both need to do is look at yourselves, each other, and your relationship and decide whether it’s right to continue your lives together. Pay attention to what you believe to be right for both you and her. All the best.

First of all, you must forgive. You will learn that if you do, the person you help the most is yourself. When you forgive someone, truly forgive them, there is a very heavy burden that you surrender. Before you forgive, you carry anger and other unhappy emotions around with you like baggage. If you carry those bags for too long, you forget that they are just bags and not a part of you. Forgiveness allows you to put the bags down and declare yourself liberated from them.

As far as reconsiling, as a Christian man you must know that adultery is grounds for the end of a marriage. But it might not be the right choice for you. If you can imagine going forward without her as your wife and leading a happy life with fruitful relationships and without using the children as weapons, maybe divorce is the answer. But if you are heartbroken and desperately want her back, you shouldn’t dismiss those feelings.

There is no right answer. Nobody can tell you the secret. It’s move forward time and it may be with her or it may be without her. Only you can find that out for yourself.

I speak from experience. I have been cheated on and have been the cheater. We have been married for 20 years and are still together. We made it through the rough spots and have forgiven each other. Our relationship is better than it has ever been before. Communication is the key.

I hope it all turns around for you and I pray for all of those out there who have been hurt.

Forgiveness is the gift that you give to yourself.

Anne, obviously you have not changed a bit. Why on earth would you make light of your promiscuity and infidelity by making fun of the woman you destroyed? In many countries, like the one I was born in-you would have been publicly executed for what you did. There is no excuse for whoring around-none. And what you did was a disgrace to humanity. I’m sure you feel good about being forgiven, and no doubt you do at times feel a twinge of guilt. But just because you lucked out and got born in the morally bankrupt USA you are free to mock the woman who’s life you ruined. Never forget that. You deserve much worse.

doc, U R hot. R U married? I disagree with your answer though. If his wife left him, he should cut his loses, loose weight, brush his teeth and get on with his life and find someone else. When women leave after 25yrs, she has been unhappy for a long time. Better for him to get over it and start fresh even at his age. The likelyhood of her returning to the fold is slim to none. No reason for him to remain broken hearted only to have her return and then not work again. That would be devistating. Better he work on his mental health, put her behind and find another lady, one that doesn’t harbor deep seated resentment toward him

Skin to skin-no sin. Most biologic living beings are not built to be monogamous, it is a learned trait. Also, just by rule of population distribution and 2-sigma error there would always be at least 5% people who do not conform to the norm (norm being faithful in marriage). So it is not a big deal if someone falls in this 5% category, though it may be bad luck. my suggestion is to be philosophical about it and accept it as part of being the sumtotal of all the experiences that make us whole.

Oops, in my last comment I meant that taylorblue’s comment tugged at my heart. Got mixed up.

your wife is a skank, who while you were out and about was getting pounded by some other dude. Yes you can forgive, but you dont have to keep yourself in a bad situation.

Cheating should NEVER and I mean NEVER be forgiven. I love my wife with a passion, more than anything on this green earth, but if she cheated on me, kids or not, she’d be gone. Sure one can argue that the husband wasn’t caring enough, paid to much attention to work or friends, everything else besides his wife, So yes, in a failing marriage both sides our to blame, but cheating is NEVER the answer to those problems.
There is always the option of seperation FIRST. If you don’t want to be with the person seperate. If you don’t like your marriage to the point where you even THINK about cheating it is time to seperate or get extreme counceling admitting your thoughts of cheating to your spouse and councelor. Only then can you start to piece your marriage back together. I’d rather my wife admit to thinking about cheating than to have actually cheated for real. It would sure as heck be a reality check to change my selfish-ingoring-my-wife’s-needs ways. So in conclusion he should can that selfish loser!

Down on the farm in south Alabama, we knew that when a dog starts sucking eggs, he’ll soon chase chickens. That dog won’t hunt. Get rid of the dog. Life is a lot simpler when you plow around the stumps…………….woodman

you have several options, all of them realistic. if your heart is really into fixing a relationship with someone who has willingly betrayed you and your family, you are a truly great man. i don’t understand it, but i admire it. counseling is probably the best option, but that is only if she’s up for it as well.

i also agree with what some of others have said about leaving her, taking your kids, and enjoying life without her. you can find someone else, in church even, that shares the same beliefs and likes/dislikes that you do, and not have to deal with the issue of trust and continuously questioning her and her motives the rest of you life.

good luck and god bless

(oh, and moa, shut the hell up with your philosophy. i hope whomever you fall in love with cheats on you so you can resite your philosophical garbage to yourself)

Anon182: I certainly agree with that last statement
Anne: Pretty harsh for someone who feels bad about what they did…where’s the compassion for the tru victim here
Rob: Mr. “Stripped of my duties” Minister, you must have missed it in the bible where we were told to treat others as we want to be treated and to serve as unto the Lord and not unto men….guess you’re saying your wife has the right to cheat if you’re not meeting her needs huh?
athiest posters: leave concerned alone, she already stated that her post was meant for another board; leave baby Christians alone too, they haven’t learned to leave you heathens where you are and just love on you no matter what…give them time, they’ll get there…also Christians have a right to free speech 2….remember that.
Cheaters: get off your high horses….and pull your heads out of the sand (for those of you pushing the peachy keen scenario)…forgiving is tuff. Learning to trust is even tuffer (and for the record I can spell really well, just choosing to be a bit lazy here). You wouldn’t know that since you’re on the offending side. As a former victim of infidelity both as a child and adult….you people have no clue…not even an inkling of how damaging your actions are to EVERYONE around you. Stop trying to understand because you never will.
Victims: don’t stay victims. talk to mature Christians (that is if you are a christian yourself), but most importantly talk to your FATHER about the situation. as others have stated, every situation is different and it’s impossible for one human to fully know the heart of another. There is only one being who would know and HE will advise you of what’s best for your situation. If you’re not a Christian, talk to a counselor and make sure you look at your entire life when making the decision to continue to fight or throw in the towel. Every aspect of your life is affected (finances, both present and future, children, family relationships, emotional and physical well being, etc.). Take into account what it will require to continue to fight for the marriage and what it will cost to quit it.
Pimpn: we’ll be reading your obit one day…DIED OF AIDS
ALL: When it comes right down to it..you are responsible for your own happiness…not your spouse…yes, they contribute greatly to the state of your existance so you’ll have to find a way to keep yourself happy. when the spouse isn’t meeting your needs…let him/her know..if they’re unwilling to make changes, then you make one, but don’t cause uneccesary harm by cheating…Just leave and go live a happy life. If kids are involved, stay and try to make it work, but if it won’t due to unwillingness, show your children that 1) God does not expect you to be someone else’s doormat and 2) You don’t have to stay in a marriage where you’re being mistreated and/or neglected 3) that there can be happiness and a very good life after divorce too, and finally 4) that you won’t go to hell for divorcing, but you run the risk for cheating!

GOOD DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes its funny that Anne now makes light of what she did to someone. Yeah, sounds like she is real sorry…

Considering a marriage of 25yrs, your kids are probably grown up and out of the house? They are the ones most affected by divorce as younger children. If the children are out of the house and your wife wants to live the lifestyle, as the Bible says, of a harlot, go against the commitment she made to you and probably the Lord through marriage vows, let her go.

It is never healthy to ‘convince’ someone to do come back into a relationship, either they want to or they dont. If your wife is immature and selfish and wants to live her ‘new life’, let her. Liek all things new, your marriage, your house, your new car, you always take extra pride in these things. Over time, kids, work, stress, etc life becomes, (usually) old and boring, hence the car you used to wach daily hasnt been washed in months and the front yard mowed weekly hasnt been mowed or weeded in weeks. This “New” thing for her will also become old and stale and she will look for more, elsewhere.

It is incumbant on all of us that regardless of stress, work, kids, lack of spark in relationship, to always remember our commitments, to our spouses, our children and our God.

If this lady want to “haroltize” herself, let her go in sin. I feel for you, and more importantly for your children, knowing what a tramp thier mother is…

My husband and I just went through the same thing you did. (Married 13 years) We were able to get back on track through prayer and Christian counciling.

Whether a Christian or not, we don’t like to show our weaknesses to others. How can anyone petition in prayer for you if they don’t know there is a problem? It’s imperative that you have a pastor or close friend(s) that will faithfully lift you up in prayer and ask God for healing of your marriage.

A MUST READ is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It WILL change your marriage for the better if you both commit to it. I believe every married couple or soon to be would read this book! My husband and I have read it, found out what our love languages were and now we make an effort daily to make the other feel loved by the way our spouse feels loved (not how I feel loved but by his love language).

Sincerely,
A friend in Christ

In our society of “Governors Gone Wild” it seems that an affair has become less of a travesty and more of an affair- like a party- an affair.

Is your wife deeply saddened by what she did? It sounds from your question that she is fine with it- only you are shaken by all this.

Having an affair is not a minor issue it destroys marital possibility unless there is very deep remorse and deep introspection.

Dr. Johnston,

‘Real’ men, are courageous and do exist. They are not afraid to share what they are experiencing or feeling because they are secure in their identity….and they also speak up for what they believe in.

I’m guessing that since you aren’t one…you’ve never met one either…because it takes one to know one…………

And another thing, if the dog’s gonna bite, stay out of the yard. Kick that slut to the curb and get on with your life. That woman will never change, she will only get more sneaky about her sorry ways. Unless you are set up to watch her 24/7, dump her and find yourself another woman. There are lots of them looking for people like you.

Does this work without registering? Cool.

Taylorblue: Reading your posting really tugged at my heart. You were treated very unfairly. You were giving so much of yourself and not getting the appreciation you ached for. I can identify. I love my husband very much, but I often feel like I am the husband and the wife, and he’s the teenager. I’m resistant to the very idea of having children with him because of this. I’m expected to be the bread-winner because I’m more educated and I’m expected to do all the housework because I’m a woman and he doesn’t mind the mess. He works part-time at a low-paying job and when he’s home he drinks and plays video games. Sometimes when he drinks he can be emotionally abusive towards me also. I yearn to be that wonderful wife who holds up the fort but I often find myself drained and feeling underappreciated. He doesn’t enjoy eating with me and whatever I suggest “doesn’t sound good” so the only meals we do eat together are when we eat out. Sometimes I have to work really hard to love him. Thankfully I don’t have lustful thoughts for other men and find my husband irresistable. We are still newlyweds though, so I have fears that things could go bad. For your situation, I agree that doesn’t excuse an affair, but I can understand how you got pushed to that point. Your description of how hard you work made me feel like my complaints are a bit silly.

And to everyone, if it does get to the point where you truly start to feel like you can’t stand your significant other and start to look around wondering if someone else might treat you nicer, just get out. You’ll have so much more self-respect and leave less of a blood trail.

Let her go……..write her off…………move on…… You are better off if that is what she thinks of you

Women are so gullable its pathetic. NEWSFLASH! The oldest method of bedding a woman, married or not, is to play the sympathy card. Guys only want to get laid PERIOD. They will feel you out, tune in to your emotional needs, and tell you exactly what you want to hear (true or not) in order to get the prize. Once they are tired of “playing” with you, they will move on to the next kill and you are left with a shattered life. Is it really worth it?

My comment to the husband is, first I am sorry you are going through this. Second, your wife as you know her will never return. Her physical body may come back, but you will never be in her heart as her husband, again. I was an adulterer to all my girlfriends, not my wife, for years. I know what she is feeling and you don’t even make the list. I’m sorry for my candor, but someone needs to tell you what is happening. It is time to move forward, she is already doing so. Life is so short. Don’t waste one more minute wondering when she will return. I told you she will not. A.J. Pearce 37 yrs. old

Anon and Anne, please put down your weapons and stop using this message board as a place to argue and try to justify your actions and/or opinions. This message board is about a real man’s real problem. If you’re out of useful antecdotes, shut up.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this painful situation. I can highly recommend MarriageBuilders website and forum. It has articles and forum sections for people in your situation and experienced members can talk you right through step by step ways to act instead of RE-acting. Richest Blessings.

Why don’t you read the board more carefully – Anne and I were not the only ones debating the topic. Sass you showed us all you are a great humanitarian now go away.

I lost a 20 yr marriage and a 5 yr relationship because the others cheated.

I no longer want another relationship. It is not worth the heart ache.

loneliness is easier to live with than endless lies and the possibility of getting AIDS or Hep-C.

I will never have to go to a dr office again to be checked to see if I have been given AIDS by a lier.

It is just too painful and frightful to go through that again.

I trust no one. It is the only way for me to protect myself.

I gave them all I had to give, yet they wanted to steal my life from me too.

never again..

AFTER 25 YEARS MOST MEN ARE STILL ABOUT LIKE THEY WERE AS TWENTY SOMETHING. I THINK WOMEN OFFEN DRIFT APART FROM THE SPOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF KIDS, KEEP THE HOUSE CLEAN OR HELP WITH THE INCOME BY WORKING WHEN THE KIDS ARE ABLE TO STAY HOME. I THINK OFTEN MEN ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME FROM TEENAGE TO OLD AGE. THAT IS WHY WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT ONE THING! SEX AND WOMEN. IN MY MARRIAGE (SECOND) I LEARNED FROM THE FIRST NOT TO LEAVE OUT THE WIFE. TO TAKE TIME TO BE TOGETHER SOME EACH DAY. THE KIDS WILL LEAVE ONE DAY AND IT WILL BE JUST THE TWO THERE AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER IT JUST WANT LAST. I FEEL MEN ALWAYS WANT THE SAME THING AND WITHOUT IT OR THE FEELING SHE IS JUST NOT THERE FOR HIM, HE DRIFTS TOWARD SOMEONE WHO IS. WOMEN I THINK FEEL THE NEED TO BE A MOM FIRST AND IF SHE IS NOT TOO TIRED A WIFE IN THE BEDROOM. GOT TO MAKE TIME EACH DAY FOR EACH OTHER. TRY IT YOU WILL LIKE IT. YOU HAVE TO GIVE EACH OTHER ATTENTION. THE ONE THAT FEELS LEFT OUT WILL GO OUT!!

I am yet another been there done that with spousal infidelity. My wife cheated on me, I took her back and thought I could handle it. The one thing I learned is that your relationship is NEVER the same. I couldn’t bring myself to trust her and after 2 miserable years of staying together we divorced. Trust is without a doubt the number one requirement for married happiness, and you will never never NEVER fully trust her again. It’s best to move on and live your life.

As an attorney, I say dump her and do so quickly. Take her kids, her cat and her debts and take them over to the lovers’ house. Ring the door bell, tell him that it’s all his and dump them in his lap. Before doing that, clear out the bank accounts, change the door locks and sue her for divorce on grounds of adultery and cruelty. Make sure all of her friends and relatives know the sordid details. Serve her at work or in church during Sunday services. Petition for a protective order against her and her boyfriend plus any relatives you may have concerns about. Do not let her into the house unless police officers are present. Demand a full accounting from her of any possibly hidden financial assets; adulterous women often secrete funds from joint savings and house assets. Demand she pay temporary support to you, as well as the cost of any and all individual counselling for the injuries she has forced you and the children to incur. Name the lover as a co-conspirator and sue him for damages in alienation of affection (if your state allows it). Tell your children’s school what is going on and ask them to dcument any emotional symptoms of distress they may exhibit. Above all else, retain a qualified domestic relations who represents husbands only in divorce and make her suffer equal to yours. Being good doesn’t mean being a sucker.

Susie,

you are an enabler and being used.. time to face the facts and move on. There is a wonderful man out there for you.
set yourself free so you can find him.

don’t waste your life with this looser, let someone else take your place. You need a man not a Peter Pan. Your not a mommy to a perpetual child.

But take your time next time, don’t jump on the first thing you see. take a long time to decide. If he want to nail you down ASAP. it is time to run. look out for NPD’s. they re killers.

know what you are getting before you sign that bill of sale– AKA marriage license.

Sounds like a great plan Jon!!!

I am a woman that has cheated on her husband. I am tremendously filled with guilt. So much that I can’t bear to be around my husband, who still after 2 years would like to reconcile. What I did was awfully selfish & this is something I need to deal with. Cheating on my husband did make him realize, though, that he had a serious addiction to video games… Even losing his job because of his ongoing desire to stay home to play on the computer didn’t shake him up. I may be in part to blame for his terrible addiction – I could have been more exciting & understanding that the pressures of family life needs release.

Give her space… You know deep within how she may really feel about the relationship regarding reconciliation…
To all who show humility: Your humbleness is admirable in admitting your faults.

I can understand everyone else’s jaded, bitter attitudes… & in the end, when it’s so easy to give up on a relationship & a person (even when they can admit they aren’t perfect) then their bond to whomever was never strong to begin with.

wow,

I agree. Except for what you said about divorcing…depends on the reason. There are 2 reasons: infidelity, and spiritual unbelief.

I mean how did this happen in the first place??? Shouldn’t your wife be busy making you a sandwich or something?? If you were laying you stuff down right this would have never happened. She obviously lost interest after a long time of being neglected and has decided to get her lovin’ elsewhere. Basically keep her busy on stuff around the house and she won’t have time to figure out that she wants anything else. Shouldn’t all those pairs of shoes she wasted your money with count for something??? I THINK SO!!!!

I find all the high and mighty toss her out comments quite interesting. Everyone’s situation is different and only those involved can find a resolustion to the situation, if they choose to do so, that whole “for better or worse” thing. I wonder if all you high and mighty people would tell a person who in a cry for help, attempts suicide, to do it right next time and find someone else to clean up the mess, because you are going to get on with your life and be happier without them.

greg

what? Joe.

you mean you would divorce a woman you loved if she did not believe in the supernatural?

Well I guess that might be a lot to expect from a mythic. good gosh.. I am sure, the last thing you would want would be a woman who can think for herself instead of parroting god dogma to every issue in life.

Please read Caesar’s Messiah.. and learn where your Jesus came from.

http://www.caesarsmessiah.com/main.html

Life is not a supernatural eternity test!

I have read all the comments, however, do most have that ‘dusk time’ meaning……as in Purple Rain…….”don’t ever get married”.

I know it’s hard to do (I couldn’t do it myself), but I strongly advise you to go through with a divorce and cut your losses. I went through the same thing. After 1 year of marriage, my wife ran off with another man and divorced me. I was shattered. My self-esteem was (as still is) shot. I blamed myself and hated myself for it. About 6 months later, she called me up to give me the spill about how I was the one she really loved. I was the one she wanted to grow old with. I was the one that she wanted her dreams to come true with. I decided to meet her to talk, and against my better judgment, I let her back into my life. We remarried, had 2 more kids together, and have enjoyed our time together.

So why do I advise against it? Simple. You will never trust her again. It’s been 7 years since we remarried, and I still find myself wondering what she’s doing when we’re not together. I still find myself wonder when the next affair will be, or if she’s had any that I just haven’t found out about. A couple of weeks ago, I saw on our cellular statement that she’s been texting and talking to a former male co-worker A LOT. She has sworn to me that he was just a friend, but I have a difficult time believing it. She allegedly cut off communication with him to make me feel better, but how can I be sure? All of the feelings from the past have come flooding back. I am constantly analyzing everything that she does, and am always suspicious that she’s reverted to her cheating ways. It’s a miserable existence at times. I love her, and can’t imagine life without her. More than that, I love my three kids and don’t want to be separated from them. But I often wonder what my life would be like if I had never gotten back together with her. Could I have found true happiness with someone that I could fully trust, or did the experience scar me for life with all women? I think that it’s possible to reconcile with a cheater and spend the rest of your life with him/her. But will you ever be truly happy? I don’t know. In many ways I am happy, but I think I would be happier with a woman that I could fully trust.

Lonely,

Hit your husband over the head if you have to, just DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. You will lose. Your husband will lose. Your children will lose. Everyone will lose. Sit your husband down NOW and tell him that you are having feelings for another man and that you need his help. If that won’t wake him up and take you seriously, nothing will. If you are afraid of hurting his feelings or angering him with this revelation, it is NOTHING compared to what you will do to him later if you continue to get your validation from another man. Read “I Will Never Leave You” by Hugh Prather. You will be able to make sense of it all and define the roles people play for us. You will also realize that an affair is not the answer.

To Concerned,

Reconciliation IS possible, but only through true remorse on your wife’s side, and if she agrees to have no contact with the other man forever. She needs to write him a “no contact” letter, and you need to get yourselves to a good counselor. Our marriage is stronger than ever, and my husband was the one who strayed. I don’t feel like the weaker partner…in fact, I believe I am the stronger one because of my forgiveness and strength in trying to work it out when he was still in la-la land. He has a respect for me that was not there in our first 7 years of marriage, and we now can’t believe that it actually happened. That was 2.5 years ago, and we hang on to each other a little tighter now. Hang in there and she will either come out of the “fog” or you will eventually have to move on…but for now — breathe.

kick her to the curb. if you respect yourself you need to move on and find someone who also respects you. then i’d go find that guy who she’s seeing and beat the hell out of him. Christian or not you’ve got to man up and put your foot down, and then about 10 feet deep, ya mean.

No thankyou diane, I don’t read secular websites. I would only divorce in the instance if the wife did not want to be married if I believed in Jesus Christ. Not the other way around. You need to read I and II Corinthians, before you jump to conclusions.

Dude, you’re wife isn’t just “having an affair”, she left you.

The absolute best way to restore your dignity is to do whatever it takes to win her back. Make her fall in love with you all over again. Then dump her to the curb.

If that’s not possible, then try to date her sister or best friend.

In any event, follow the attorney’s advice to clean out the accounts, change the locks, get restraining orders, document her adultery, and otherwise destroy her as thoroughly as you can.

Being a Christian means u can forgive like Christ forgave the ones who put him on the cross-But, having been through my husband’s affair after 19 years of marriage, i must say i am a Christian, i love the Lord, but i can never forget what my husband did-never!
If your wife is in this affair for good, then let her go-hope your children are old enough to understand. u need to sit down and just tell them what’s going on and why their parents are breaking up-
i will say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but there is always someone out there that will love and respect u like u deserve to be.

Trust is hard won and easily lost. There is no value that can be placed on honor, integrity and trust. Your future peace of mind ,mental and financial health depend on it.

I kept a marriage together for more than 12 years after my wifes (first) affair for all the reasons that you are contemplating. Do not do it. Other than domestic violence, excuses like “you don’t help out enough, you don’t support me, you don’t really listen to me, etc. etc. “are all lame. Those are things “healthy people in healthy relationships experience and talk about”. Her response was to cheat.

You cannot live your life doing a “pennance” for all the future “wrongs” and you cannot live your life always wondering what YOU will do to cause her to step out again. Don’t fall for the typical psycho-babble….and take the blame…even when it is disguised in “logic”. I repeat…It’s her problem…she responds to stress in a marriage by cheating and all that goes with it. And she wasn’t thinking about you, the kids, families or anyone but herself. She won’t next time either.

Run, don’t walk to the nearest emergency exit. Get a great lawyer and get out.

Some said once: “You know why divorces are expensive????…Because they are worth it!”

todd,

you hit the nail on the head brotha. reel her back in and destroy her. i like the way you think. that kind of disrespect can’t go unpunished…or unpunched.

The only thing that is relevant is her actions. She cheated and left. Cheated and you found out, fight it out. Cheated and confessed said affair and willing to work it out I say good candidate for forgive and forget school. Cheated and bailed well thats a whole different kettle of fish. Smelly fish. No one should advocate the school of bitterness that so many people have going on here. I advocate that as the only conerned spouse in your marriage that you may want to get your paperwork together and move on. If she starts ACTING more appropriately then you can choose. Forgiveness on a spiritual level is a personal responsobility between a person and thier God. You arent her Father you are her husband. I bet you wish she would “go back to the way things were”. Impossible everything is changed. State clearly to her your expectations. If they are ignored then you have a pretty clear answer. I wouldnt do it but you are an adult and deserve to make your own choices. Unfotunately so does she………and she did. Chances are pretty high she feels like she stuck around long enough for the kids to grow up. She also thinks she is being a nice person by “moving out” letting you stay in the house. Heres the problem at some point all this changes and you are left holding the mrtgage kids and HURT. I feel for you but its time to get out that phone and call the lawyer and therapist and pastor and friends. Good luck I wish you happiness no matter what. Ignore the bitter bitties on this site! Life is already painful enough with out hate.

@John, I have to agree on the crying bit, and worse the laughing part. I would never have guessed either of those. My first time with my wife, she sang. It kind of freaked me out really, but I think I hid it fairly well though. Its good to be prepared, no telling what might happen. Good Luck and Congratulations!

it looks like jon and his kind are the only winner in his proposed scenario…

Personally I’d kick her ass to the curb and have someone kick the snot out of him. But thats just my 2 cents.

Todd is dead on.

Whether you’re a holy man or not, a wife having an affair on you is a break of trust, not to mention the holy sanctity of marriage.

If you respected your beliefs like you say you do, then you’d toss her into the street and have the entire village stone her.

At least that’s what I would do.

Dear Concerned:
At first I was angered and annoyed at your adamant request to remove the sex column from this site. Now, I pity you–pity you for being taught that sex is nasty. If you don’t like the column, then don’t click on the link to read it! And, don’t censor what the rest of us want to read. If you want to read about Jesus then by all means, pick up a bible. Rest assured that I won’t attempt to stop YOU from reading it. So don’t try to stop the rest of us for reading what we want. Obviously there is a market for it, otherwise no one would click on the site link, and hence foxnews.com would figure out there was no market for it and would naturally cease posting it. Now, mind your own business.

to the steve who said this:

” If she has a cat, now is the time for it to have Oklahoma swimming lessons with a brick in a gunny sack in a swift river. ”

you are nothing but a scumbag.nothing that woman has done condones animal abuse.it’s men like you who drive women to look for something BETTER.

Wow, some of the comments on this site definitely show the dark age mentality of the poster! With that said, onto the topic at thand.

I am not a Christian and really don’t know what that has to do with anything in the first place. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. Only difference was, I walked in on him with another man. Surprise, surprise! Call me nutty, but I just couldn’t get that very vivid image out of my mind. I had to leave and I don’t regret it. I still laugh to this day – the only thing I could think to say at the time was “there’s something you don’t see everyday” and then stumbled my way back to the bedroom and hyperventilated.

I am now happily remarried for the last 10 years and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I do know that if I were to catch him cheating though, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. If you can’t have enough respect for your partner to tell them there are problems before you go out and find someone else, you aren’t even worth having!

dang, Pagan…i don’t suppose trying to reconcile was really an option…

this is not a myth debate forum. But please do not insist that because you are a mythic supernatural believer that you and only you have the ability to forgive. Your mythic dogma has made you assume that only christians are good people and have the only good human qualities because of some Roman myth that was created to convert Jews to a Roman supported myth told you so. READ the book I suggested above. Caesar’s Messiah. check out the forum and also the web site Domain of Man to learn where the old testament came from.

There are billions of non mythic people who have and do live on this planet and who do not need a myth to make them be good human beings. a dead guy on a stick does not admonish you from your bad deeds to others.. that is dogma lie.

If you cheat on a spouse you are bringing in another person into the marriage. A silent and unknown person who can affect all facets of the family, most of which are negative. This silent partner will destroy all marriages and relationships forever.

many christians cheat on their spouses and partners. Being a christian has no bearing on effect on cheaters. If a person has it within their character to cheat they will. They only want forgiveness AFTER they are caught. If they do not get caught, then they will continue until the are caught. A average Joe, a preacher, priest, senator, mayor, governor, president, can stand on a mile high stack of bibles and proclaim he is a god fearing man, when in reality his is more afraid of the storm that will blow him away when he is caught. He begs forgiveness when in all reality he is more concerned about the outcome to himself not his family of kids.

They know they are doing wrong, because if their spouses were the ones caught, they would raise holy hell and do all they could to get even.

Being a christian is not a guarantee you of good character. It just means you learned a few choice bible dictates picking the ones that you are least to violate and insist all those around you agree with you version.

All myths were created to take advantage of the gullible. there is no heaven or hell or gods. no superdaddy in the sky. And no guy who is your eternal scapegoat to take the sin away so you can be with grandma some day in heaven.

Perhaps if you did read some rational writings you will see that to be a free thinker is better than a mindless dogma parrot.

You can never forgive unless you can forget. just as you stated! loving a supernatural being will not make you forget that your husband had sex with another woman, enjoyed it many times and did not for a moment think of you. He wants you to forgive and forget so he can feel his crime against you was no big deal.. so he can do it again, just next time he will be a lot more careful in his planning.

now try to forget and forgive that… you can’t. you being a christian will never relieve you of that till you last breath. you will always re-live the moment you found out the sick feeling it gave you.

you can’t forgive until you can forget… and that will never happen. god or no god.

I understand you wanting advice from others but what you really need to do is get down on your knees and ask God for help and answers. If you be really sincere with your prayer, he will lead you in all the right directions and guidance. Ask him for forgiveness for her because sometime when we let flesh take over our spirtual lives it can be a warfare and it will hurt. I know it hurts and you want your marriage back, but remember sometimes God let things happens for a reason especially if it was not of God’s will. If it is his will and divine purpose for you two to reconcile he will let it happen. Like I said just pray and be very sincere with your prayers and her will give you all the answers you need but you have to listen and be willing to obey him. Just keep looking up and stay encourage because God will not put no more on us than we can bare. He is our redeemer and comforter. Just continue to keep the faith,seek him, and continue to be the christian that God has called you to be.

I will pray for you and ask God to lead you and give you the answers you need and that you will be able to accept what ever he tell you.

God Bless,

My only question is this: Did she admit that she was cheating? Or did you find out on your own?
If she admitted it, she at least has some guilt over the issue. You might be able to work it out.
If you can find it in yourself to forgive her, then do so. If she didnt admit the adultery to you, then i think you are out of luck. She has to want to work it out for your relationship to continue.
Just remember that 98% of the animals in nature are not monogamous, and its our humanity (and maybe ignorance) that makes us think we can ALL live up to that kind of standard.
I would suggest living your life the way that makes you feel best about yourself, and forget what your wife has done, and forget what you think god wants you to do. Forget her while you are at it.
Form a new, healthier relationship with someone who cares about you, and do your best to not get hurt, thats all any of us can really do. Find the strength within yourself to move on, and become a better person, regardless of the revenge tactic that others might suggest. (and i freely admit that if i were in your shoes, i would NOT be able to forgive and forget. In fact, i would toss her out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back.)

Best of luck to you.

If my wife left me after 25 years, I would destroy her.

hey!!!
okay, lets start off by saying that i probably dont have the intellect and “life experience” that the rest of you do. I’m almost seventeen, but i’ve come to my own sort of conclusion. I’d like to make it clear that i am NOT christian… (i practice another religion) but i believe in christ and in forgiveness.

I’d like to say that i feel really bad for you and i know how you feel. I’ve been cheated on more than once… and you need to realize that this really isn’t something you can fix on your own.

DON’T sleep with someone else for revenge… it’ll only make you feel bad about yourself…
but as someone studying law… i say you keep the kids and see what you can do about leaving her. YES you should document her adultery… but as the only child in a broken home… dont let your kids know what happened… especially if they’re young. If they are older… say in their teens… perhaps you SHOULD talk to them about it. If my parents were going thru such a situation… i would want to know.

She has left, and therefore has made it clear that she does not want to be with you anymore. I know how much it hurts, but you need to move on. Become involved with things you love to do… spend time with your kids…. do what you love to do… and get back out there!!!

there is someone made for EVERYONE… and she’s not the one for you.

Leave her Bro! You’ll never trust her again and for good reason. If your honest, chances are your marriage has been in the toilet for years or you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

Start over, travel, meet some people and start living your life again. Live the life you want and be well. You’ll get over it and meet someone better. Trust me.

Almost every relationship has its problems. Most of the comments on this blog concentrate on who did what to who (or did not do).
It seems to me that only one thing matters. If I fall out of love with you or if I feel the need to be consoled by someone else or if I have the desire to be with someone else physically………………. I have the OBLIGATION to end the relationship PRIOR to engaging in these other activities!

There is NO, ZERO, ZILCH, NONE, NADA reason(s) for having an affair!

If you are unhappy work on fixing that unhappiness. If that can not be fixed then LEAVE!!

You do not have the right to have an affair period!

Comment by Craig
March 25th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Talking to the invisible tooth fairy in the sky won’t accomplish a fiddlers fart. Decide whether or not if the marriage is worth saving and if you are committed to it enough to give it another try. If so, then simply do it. If not, say goodbye and get on with life.

The adultery rate in so-called Christian marriages is just as high as in marriages in general. Your first step to healing is to get over the holier-than-thou ‘I can forgive because I’m a Christian’ crappola. Real life is more fulfilling and far simpler when not compounded by superstitious/religious silliness.

CRAIG… i think we are on the same page.. the rational page… love your inputs.

and PATRICK in Costa Rica.. did you send those photo spreads of your NEW wife to the ex’s boyfriend and the ex. perhaps a thank you note. would be in order too.

Thanks for the great time relieving me of my burden. Your were just what the doctor ordered. a means to escape a life of misery. Oh.. this is my new wife.. I would not trade her for what you have in a million years.

Now youv’e got what you deserve and so do I. Thanks pal, I never could have gotten so happy without you.

There is nothing that pisses the one who cheated and left you for dirt, than for you to rise and shine in endless happiness when all the dust clears. To show them that what they did made you so many times more happy then they after they thought they had s c rewed you.

I would send them a nice photo on the anniversary of you divorce and say.. so glad you are NOT here.. and thanks for the wonderful new life..

Comment by Christian woman
March 25th, 2008 at 11:28 am

To a Jewish man: I’m a Christian women and I’ve done it with a man of the Hebrew faith, and he was the best. He could really satisfy me as opposed to my pantywaist Christian husband.

Christian woman.. and by goddly ,you know for a fact that Jesus died on the cross so you could and that Jewish guy could have wonderful Jewish sex and YOU and only you being a god fearing Jesus loving christian woman will be forgiven and go to heaven with your pantywaist christian husband for all eternity. I guess the Jewish guy will have other plans. I think christian woman, you should be considered a clueless christian woman instead. Jesus died so you can be forgiven for having sex with a jewish guy. WOW what a deal. no wonder so many want to be christians.

Do you think Jesus will tell your pantywaist christian husband what have been up too? After all those guys hanging out at the holy watering hole may just start talking about the good ole days.

Ever hear the one about the christian woman with a pantywaist husband and the jewish guy?

This is so funny….

Dude, grow a set. Having an affair is one thing, but she’s living with the guy? Good riddance to her. You’re better off to be rid of her. Find somebody younger and better looking.

I’m sorry that has happened to you. Really.

I do think trust can be regained, but it takes time and the right referree in the meantime!

I was married 27 years, and it concluded in divorce after the same events came into light (normally while I was traveling in the year prior to our fallout).

There were signs of issues, and we went to “counseling,” but the counselor was my ex-spouse’s choice…not good (they do side, you know)

This was a difficult situation for me since I was raised “divorce was not an option.” (as was my ex)

Kids were on their own, but I was still concerned about the affect on them. Kids still feel the “sting” of a long term, good marriage gone bad over a “hiccup.” (I take a long term view of things, and hence my description of the event as a “hiccup”).

Since the divorce, I’ve been quite happy. Not easy, though! Not to mention that divorce payout is costly along with, in my situation, alimony.

There are times when folks “go off the deep end” and regret it later. You often learn that after the fact.

Best advice…marriage was a commitment. Do your absolute best to make it work, but it must be a genuine, collaborative effort. If it continues to be toxic, get out…self-preservation…life goes on.

Good luck to you.

T

I am sorry you went through this and only God can give you the correct answer. But I will say this. In the Bible, God gave permission to divorce for only adultery. I believe he did this because he knew the damage done by such an act. Many marriages make it through adultery, on the surface. But no matter what anyone says, the marriage is permanently damaged. They may recover a sense of trust, but not as it was at the beginning. A marriage that has had its sense of trust broken may be saved, but it will be an everyday job and will take the hurt partner a lifetime to get over it completely.

That being said, if your wife has not shown a humility and a heart of sincere regret, then there is nothing to save. Many times a cheating spouse will come home with “regret” only when the person they were cheating with moves on, they are in danger of loosing their kids, their home, etc. It is not genuine, only self preserving. A person who is trully sorry for what they have done and wants to save their marriage will humble themselves before their spouse, end the affair immediately, they will go the extra mile to find redemption, and will never blame the hurt spouse for their affair.

If they ever blame the hurt spouse for the affair, it will happen again. They have made it so that inside, they excuse the affair as not their responsability. Hence, they will make more excuses to do it again in the future.

Good luck to you, do not worry so much about the wife, but more about the kids and your own healing. If God lays it on your heart to take her back, then do so. He knows all and knows what is right for your life. But until he does, stay away!

If she isn’t already gone, put her to the curb. You’ll get over it and be way better off in the long run. NEVER take a cheater back. It’s bad for you emotionally, the relationship is damaged, and who knows what kind of surprises she might bring home. Want to raise the other guys kid or how about an STD. PUT HER TO THE CURB.

Irrespective of my religious affiliation, why the hell does a marriage between man and wife have to be anything other than a life-long commitment to support and love each other until death? You folks are making this too complicated. Give me a break. This inability to COMMIT is rampant.

Obviously she has moved on, maybe you should as well? Sounds like she doesn’t have respect for the family that you guys have created, if she is sleeping with another guy. You really don’t have to be nice in this situation, because she is disrespecting your kids as well as you. You have to be strong, and show your kids that is not what a marriage is supposed to be like. Over time they will realize what is going on. You can’t hide it from them forever.

Yvonne I Love You

I agree with your emphasising his responsibility to learn/change in this marital crissis. Too often the adulterous partner is isolated and condemned, and the underlying causes of her transgression are frequently oversimplified or simply ingnored. As a man who has been married for almost a quarter of a century, I can tell you that I’m still amazed at the things I’ve taken for granted, and how patient and forgiving my wife has been.

What a looser, if you could have provided her with what she needed she wouldn’t have strayed. Tell her to come see me if she wants a real man.

Im going to give you the other side of the story. Im a man who is involved with a married woman. I am a decent guy who never thought I would be “one of those” and try and take a woman away from another man but here I am. This woman is probably the kindest, most loving woman I have ever met in my life, we got together because the husband was never around, worked too much, no emotion, controling everything from money to what she wears everyday. Now this guy may be a good person but you have to think, what made her go to this other man? What should he have done to make her possibly fall out of love with you? Just think about all the times you were together, did you do those sweet nothings to make her feel good inside, do you give her those eyes that tells her you want to eat her up? Sometimes the simple things go farther than anything else you could do. Im not saying it is your fault because I do not know the situation but I guarantee you there is a reason she did not want to be with you anymore, or maybe shes a raging slut I cant say for sure. One thing is dont blame the other man for anything its not his fault at all, he is providing your wife with something you didn’t, either by no sex or some sort of emotional void. I do agree with most, there is permanent damage here, can you ever really trust her again? The woman Im with admits she should have never married her husband, shes just very afraid of losing everything for being human.
As for the comment by “concerned”… your an idiot! How long have we as a society been preaching no sex until marriage? A very long time and has it worked? No you dumbass, not only do I know what goes on in those schools from my experiences but I have lots of family members still in school and I hear all kinds of stuff. Sex is going to happen weather you like it or not or preach it or not, you are fooling yourself if you beleive it works. The best aproach is to teach safe sex, what happens if you dont, what could happen and how it could potentially screw their lives up. Sitting there trying to tell everyone to just not have sex before marriage is as out dated as the bible its self. People please pull your heads out of your asses and wake up to the real world, your kids are going to have sex, would you rather berate them and end up with a grand kid or educate them with the knowledge to avoid those problems, Yes aids is real, so is a horny teenager who is not going to think streight when a hot girl is all over them.

You really have to ask yourself the question “Can You Do Better”, if not use her family to get back with her then drain her for all she’s worth, thats probably why she left, isn’t it?

As for Jesus enjoying himself, thats what suicidal and masochistic terrorists get when they take on governments. They get killed. I guess when people are exhibitionistic, suicidal, guilting and judgmental as well as an egomaniacal and with delusions of grandeur – they get “Victim Power” status. So go for that and play the scarecrow example of Purity.

Get away with either victim status or use her for what you need, just don’t worry about it, that solves nothing.

Best of Luck
- R

Brother, I have been in your shoes so I know what your heart is going through. You cannot make some one love you, but you have some One who always loves you, no matter how deep the pain. I came to know the Love of Jesus during my situtation in a way that literally took my breath away. If you read His teachings, He clearly longed for forgiving hearts and reconciliation, however, He left the door open for the hardhearted to divorce. 1 Cor 7 also teaches that we are called to PEACE and that if the unbelieving depart, you can let them depart and go on in PEACE. The answer to your question is in your heart. Use this time to spend more time with the Lord and follow after peace. Just remember that He is the healer of broken hearts, no matter where this path may lead. Be faithful to Him and your faith, lift her up in prayer and trust Him as you crawl, walk and sometimes run.

For the rest of you, there are harsh comments back and forth, most of which have nothing to do with this man’s plight, which is a broken heart. Religion, whether its worshiping the things of this world or the rules you have crafted from religion, is not the answer. The answer, His Name, is Jesus, the One Who makes broken things whole again; a gentle and loving Savior whose kindness and compassion knows no end.

Peace be upon You.
GM

look up “how to save my marriage” and “how to survive an affair”. go to marriagemax.com, marriage builders.com. there may be more but these are tremendously helpful. Everyone has their opinion. You need to trust yours. Do not stay in a bad marriage just for the kids, you will be teaching them bad things. But most marriages can be fixed, and most marriges can survive an affair. My heart goes out to you. You will make it either way.

I found out my hubby had an affair last year – lasted 6 to 9 months. during that time we almost stopped having sex and he would walk away from me when i tried to touch him. (you’d think i would have found out sooner, with all the signs). in any event, i got to a point where if this particular married man had made any advances on my, i would have gone for it (except actual sex). I so desperately needed loving comfort. I am so shocked i ever would have been willing to do that, but it sure helps my understand how my husband’s head could have been so messed up he went and did it. (his first wife left him for another man, so i thought for sure he never would do this).

While your wife is with this man, you do need to separate (at least physically). You do need to show your strength and put your foot down. And save yourself from emotional whiplash. She moves out until she stops, or you move out (with the kids if you can) until she stops. There is lots of advice on how to behave at that point to win her back if you can. Good luck.

Surviving an affair: Been there done that. I respect those who can forgive and forget. I honestly could not. I will give you some advice. Don’t lower yourself to begging. Only you can make the decision for your life. The same with her. I suggest to you if she chooses to stay gone, then move on. It is hard, but each day gets better and better. The longer you “hang on” to her, the longer it takes to heal. If by some miracle she does decide to come back, then it will be up to YOU to make the decision, not her. Good luck and God Bless. Remember, you are not alone. There are others who feel the same way. It’s ok to cry. It only makes laughing much more enjoyable! Hope all works out for YOU.

Chris – you’re a loser.

I know one thing, I’m having feelings for Dr. Fulbright. She is smart and sexy! Fox News, you have hit another home run! How many beautiful women can work for one network?

Good luck sifting through this mix for help! Jesus has nothing to do with how your wife traded her family to have some other dude instead of you. How does that feel?

How are you going out, dude? At least with Jesus we can hope his 12 boyfriends gave him a bukake last supper before he schized out, attacking the Temple, angry that other people were making more money than him. Early scroll portraits of the cruci-fiction show him “Flying The Happy Flag” up there… Are you seriously gonna just roll over and let her boyfriend do you next, ewww, or will you demand and earn respect? No wonder she left! Just decide to try!

Good Luck

-R

At the age of thirty-five I’ve been married twice, the first cheated on me and the second would have if we hadn’t had the big break up talk pretty early on and she said she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me and had feelings for someone else. I think in both situations, it was a case of the new wearing off – though it took a good six years the second time around, as opposed to one like the first one. I thought everything was fine, and out of the blue it was “I’m not happy – I have to leave”.

I was a good husband, a good father, worked hard, did at least half of the house work if not more – I’m the guy that fixes the bath tub up with candles and bubble bath, gives back rubs, holds back the hair when they’ve got the stomach flu, etc. etc. I’m good looking, intelligent, educated, tough… there just was nothing to blame it all on except the monotony of every day life, going to bed and waking up with the same person every morning, the daily grind of work and kids and housekeeping. I guess for a lot of people, thats enough.

Hollywood has drilled it into everyone’s head that if you’re not infatuated with your mate, or you are attracted in the least to anyone else, that you aren’t with your “soul mate”, you’re trapped in a sham, you’re with the wrong person.

There are no soul mates, thats all a bunch of crap. Any given person could have chemistry with any number of people, and even go on to live happy lives with them. All it takes is for both people to understand what a lifelong commitment is (and it ain’t no Hollywood romance), be happy and content with that, and step up to the plate. I am afraid with every passing generation the number of people who grasp that is dwindling. My parents were married to each other their whole lives. Now I’m divorced