Finally, someone in the Media has come out and said it. Sex Addiction is a lot of bologna. And the fact that the average person actually believes it is scary. We’re turning into a herd of dumb sheep that can be controlled at a whim by anyone or any group. As a Race we need to take responsibility for our successes AND failures.

Dr. Fulbright,
While I do not discount your expertise in most things sexual due to the amount of work you have done to get your degree, I don’t think you can be any more mistaken when it comes to “Sexual Addiction”; I am speaking from experience. I am no religious prude. I am a recovering sexual dependent (since we’re not using the term ‘addict’). I was so into pornography that it almost cost me my marriage, job and future. See, the problem is that a little innocent sexual pleasure is not enough for an “addict”. The need to see or do something more exciting is what happens after a little fantasizing about something in a Playboy magazine becomes boring. For me, it became whatever I could think of; incest, transexual, whatever was new or taboo. I started checking into sexual classified ads. I would be late for work or skip class in college because I felt the urge to masturbate. Frequently. I would shake with anticipation before masturbating to pornography (that couldn’t be a physiological dependence, could it?). Fortunately,with therapy and the help of empathetic friends and my pastor, I was able to wake up and understand the consequences of what I was doing before I had an affair, developed an STD, or did something illegal in pursuit of the sexual high. I feel your words do a huge disservice to those of us who are trying to put our lives back together after destroying ourselves by engaging in risky sexual behavior. Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I have a great sex life; but I am no longer driven by the pursuit of an orgasm. I have been able to reclaim sex as a way to express love to my wife. Well, this is starting to go on, and you’ll probably never read it, but I hope that it is helpful to even one person who is fighting this same battle to reclaim control of their sexuality. I hope you hear me.

Boy, that seems a bit cavalier to just dismiss the entire concept of sexual addiction! I think my medical profession can be a bit dogmatic at times, but it’s hard to question the fact that some aspects of a person’s life can become disproportionately consuming. If pursuing sexual drives via pornography or prostitution replaces contact with one’s spouse, or worse yet, that pursuit/need interferes with a job or daily functioning - that sure seems like an addiction to me. You may be right that it is rare (as you mention in your last paragraph) but you should spend more time refuting the incidence of the problem instead of denying that it exists - otherwise you are potentially preventing some from seeking help. I normally enjoy your column, but this one struck me as flippant and overgeneralizing. If you disagree with the addiction label, how would you categorize a person who spends 4-5 hours a day looking at porn?

Would not say it is all hogwash. There are cases where sexual related issues (e.g. extreme amount of pornography use, need for multiple sexual relationships at the same time, constant desire for sexual gratification without emotional connection) that do interrupt “normal life” on a regular basis could be described as an addition. Consequences without satisfying these needs seem to include depression and extreme agitation. I do agree that there is typically a deeper issue (childhood molestation, absence of parental attention and affection, etc.) that is the root cause of this type behavior. I am part of a Christian 12 step program that deals with multiple issues one of which is sexual addiction. We do point folks with all types of addition into counseling as well as small group support teams to help identify the root issues and deal with them.

This article just goes to show that you can have a PH.D and still be ignorant. You obviously are not familiar with the latest research.

I believe that there is in fact a thing as sex addiction. Just because you don’t have DT’s from not having it doesn’t mean that there is not an addiction. An addiction is anything that takes control of your life. That is the key to an addiction, does it take control. There have been many marriages and friendships that have been broken because a person has let sex take control. Most of the time, maybe not all the time, this all starts with looking at pornography. What started out being something innocent turned out to be a life controlling issue. Porn is a fantasy world it is not reality and that is what traps a person. It offers the viewer a false since of escape. If a person stays in this world of elusion it will take control and come to an addiction state. Then every part of your life starts to revolve around sex and when the level of excitement can’t be satisfied that is when real bad things start to happen. I think there are many people that are sex addicts and don’t even realize it.

I am very surprised at your vehement rejection of the concept of sex addiction. Your opinions and advice have, for all I have seen and read, been well thought and well researched. To be honest, i don’t think this opinion is either one. I agree that a good deal of the issue is in the definition of ‘addiction’, and technically, I don’t think it qualifies. But that does not negate the reality of the problem, call it whatever you will.
For instance, you reject (and mock) the SAA questions. If you selected 4 questions from the AA list of addiction qualifiers, they would sound as ludicrous as those you chose from SAA. “Has your drinking caused trouble at home?”, or “Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?” or “Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?” Most of the drinking adult (or non adult) population would answer yes to these questions, and still not be anywhere near alcoholic. The point was not “say yes to a question and you are an addict”.

And sure, there are people who exaggerate the problems, and those who use it as a guilt trip, or a control mechanism. Fools have used the bible, the constitution and too many other healthy ideas as tools for their own selfish purposes. The bible remains the good book, the constitution remains the best blueprint for a democratic govennment in history, and sex ‘addiction’ is a reality, not a myth. After all, there is still huge controversy after decades of AA sucess’, many saying alcoholism is not an addiction either. So what?

If you were to do more, thorough research, you would find that the SAA type groups typically suggest to the members that they are the only ones who can define ‘normal’ for themselves. And, from my years of working in this arena, I can tell you that your statement, “Their goal: to make a disease of your sex life.” is as misleading as Bill’s “I did not have sex with that woman”. I would like to think the deception was not equally intentional.

You have done your readers and fans a great disservice. Pease, revisit this subject. You can do a lot of good here, and help a lot of people.

Does addiction exonerate the addict from toxic, harmful behaviors? No, and to suggest a diagnosis of addiction is an attempt to avoid personal responsibility is sheer nonsense, and then to suggest it invalidates the diagnosis is ludicrous.

I will agree on one point–sexual addiction isn’t about sex. It is about the use of sex to deal with intolerable (subjective) realities and emotions.

If Ms. Fulbright is happy with her life and sexual choices, more power to her. It’s not my place to judge. To have her state that sexual addiction is a “crock,” however, is erroneous, reckless, and damaging to those who are addicts and are seeking help.

Help me to understand what makes your opinion of weightier import than millions of “medical and counseling professionals and members of the clergy. Further, how can you claim that such a “straw man” group that you have constructed has “no background in sexuality” and yet claim any semblance of integrity? How can you paint the entire medical, counseling, and ministerial professions with a brush that charges them with being “moralistic” and “misinformed” without supplying a single shred of evidence to prove your claim?

I find your entire approach problematic. You pontificate, but do not offer even the slightest support for your claims. One can call a tree a three-toed sloth, but that doesn’t make it one–no matter how loudly or frequently or “sincerely” she or he does so. Similarly, you can call the notion of sexual addiction a “crock,” but YOUR PRONOUNCEMENT does not make it so. You can call sexual addiction “ridiculous” and “hogwash,” but such pejoratives do not alter reality. Where is the evidence? How do you support the basic assertion you make in this article?

How do you handle the evidence that sexual stimuli release chemicals that produce a “high” similar in effect to certain kinds of drugs? Do you really believe that labeling something “dependence” is categorically different from “addiction.”

The most disturbing aspect of your article is that you treat sex as entirely independent of human relationships. Sex is all about the individual, and what is “right” for the individual. OK, Let’s be politically correct here: “Who has the right to tell me how many cigarrettes a day I can smoke? or how many beers I can drink at one sitting? or how many people I can depersonalize by fabricating some supposed sexual fantasy involving them? Or how many people I can manipulate or coerce into living out some sexual fantasy with me?” That’s the real issue, isn’t it?

Indeed, who has the right? I’d say the one who created us has that right, but you’ve probably long since written God off by arguing him out of relevance or existence. I’ve heard the line often: “You know, God is really a ‘human construct.’” But I don’t buy it. Oh we certainly witness a slough of humanly constructed gods, but they are nothing like the God of the Bible. This God is not susceptible to manipulation.

To be sure, sex is a natural and a good part of God’s creation; it is intentional. Its purpose is to unite a man and a woman in an exclusive relationship that forms the most fundamental building block of society, namely the family. Unlimited sexual partners and unrestricted sex has a damning effect on society and deleterious effects on individuals who participate in such–and there are plenty of statistics to support this conclusion. This “restriction” of one man for one woman was not the design of a mean despot intent on raining on people’s parade; it was for the protection of society.

I hope you do not write my remarks off as unreasoned rantings of some self-enthroned “holier-than-thou.” I am under no delusion regarding my solidarity with “fallen humanity.” But I am not about to abandon my belief in nor quest to follow the best path.

Finally, while I find your denial of the reality of sexual addiction incredibly naive, I do agree that addictions do not absolve the addicts of the responsibility for their actions. I’ve heard the stories of too many addicts who consistently confess feelings of being “out of control” to buy your unbeliveable assertion that “it’s being in control that’s causing their pain.” Addicts need help, but the way to help them is surely not to tell them they are not addicted–a pontificated pronouncement devoid of substance that is tantamount to informing an inebriated individual that she or he is completely sober. What if she or he responds, “well if I’m sober, give me the keys to my car”? What do we say when he or she kills some unsuspecting and undeserving human being in an automobile accident, or verbally/physically abuses a defenseless child or spouse? You say, that’s alcohol addiction, not sexual addiction. Reality says unchecked self-focused sexual acts that disregard the personhood of fantasized or materialized partners follow a progressively degrading trajectory. The good news is that help is available!

I pause for reply.

Dear “FOXSexspert”,

Before you deem something as serious as sex addiction hogwash, maybe you should study the subject of addiction and the 12 steps more closely. Here’s an idea; try talking to a real live recovering person. Have you ever asked an addict in the middle of their addiction if they find anything wrong with their behavior?? The real issue here is when a person, all by him/herself, realizes that there IS something wrong. This is the problem when so-called experts pass down their verdicts regarding things they know nothing about. Realizing the truth of an addictive problem and seeking help doesn’t create a convenient excuse for a person’s actions. In fact, the opposite is true. Working a program for sex addiction (for me, sex and love addiction) has forced me to accept that I AM responsible for the things I’ve done; that my decisions aren’t made in a vaccuum, but affect those around me. Trust me, there has been nothing “easy” about admitting to something as socially shunned as sexual compulsion, especially being a woman.

As for the physiological effects of behavioral addiction, again, you shouldn’t make such definitive statements, especially when you’re wrong. Several studies of the brain and behavior (see below) back the idea that there’s very little biological difference between what goes on in the head of a behavioral addict and that of a crack addict. Withdrawal from sexual and other behavioral addictions can be equally as painful and difficult as a person trying to beat cocaine.

Addiction can be characterized by the loss of choice or ability to quit a behavior despite a strong desire to stop and even attempts to do so. This is not about whose morality is right or wrong regarding sexual behavior. This is about people wanting to stop doing things that are destroying their lives. The need for help is for the individual to determine, not you.

Read:
http://www.noraa.org/meso_limbic_rewards.html
http://www.cnsspectrums.com/aspx/article_pf.aspx?articleid=913
http://www.newscientist.com/channel/health/mg19125661.200-hooked-why-your-brain-is-primed-for-addiction.html

Dr. Fulbright–

I understand your argument. You are, however, mostly wrong and gravely misinformed.
First of all, Sex Addicts Anonymous is NOT “SA”. It’s “SAA”. SA is an entirely different organization with differing beliefs and style. I cannot talk to that organization.

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), however, never claims to judge or impose any sexual “standard” on anyone. SAA is all about understanding oneself and making an inventory of any potentially shameful and/or immoral behaviors one believes they have done, taking full responsibility for those actions, making amends to those you may have harmed when possible, and committing oneself to what ‘they define’ as a healthy sexual experience.

It’s not about abstinence from sex. On the contrary, it’s about a person understanding themselves and defining for themselves a health sexual life. Most people who come to SAA have experienced some form of abuse–sexual or physical as a child. Some if not all have distorted views about sexuality stemming from a variety of reasons. Whatever the reasons, these people have chosen a path of very unhealthy behaviors– i.e. porn, having extra-marital affairs, exhibitionism, voyeurism, child porn. These people are genuinely “sick” and live this unmanageable and dangerous life that they have created for themselves with “insane” denials and rationalizations for their behaviors.

SAA and similar reputable programs are all about arresting this behavior– moving from the vile and poisonous shame and pain it produces to a spiritual understanding of oneself– to truly learn and strive for a new healthy sexual life.

You are correct–that some people “embrace their sex addiction “diagnosis.” They’re not at fault for their sexual impulses and desires…” However, you are taking this out of context. SAA does NOT promote blaming the addiction. On the contrary, it’s about taking personal responsibility of one’s actions regardless of any circumstance.

You are also right that “Being out of control isn’t the issue for most “sex addicts.” It’s being in control that’s causing pain”. THIS is exactly what SAA promotes. It’s all about surrendering ones unhealthy control behaviors–which is certainly problematic.

Dr. Fulbright, I have no doubt that you have hurt many people by your comments in this article that are suffering. I only wish you seek out true professionals that are experienced in this specific field before making such a blanket and certainly flawed assessment.

Eliot

My experience with this topic is that the twelve step organizations dedicated to healing sexual issues don’t presuppose a position of “you are screwed up and here’s why”. In general they are saying hey, I had a problem with this and here is how I behaved. Also they list many methods they used to “manage” or “control” their self labeled “problem”. Their position seems to be that they want to help other people who may have similar issues. In principle they don’t promote themselves as a moral crusade. They are there to attract those who may be interested.

Putting aside semantics over terms like addiction and the like I believe that to out of hand reject the idea that there is no such thing as sex addiction (or that it is very rare) is irresponsible - especially coming from a professional in the field of human sexuality. Rather than try to construct an arguement for the validity of sex addiction and it’s frequency I reccomend the following book on the topic: Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes.

From a personal standpoint I think sex addiction is about the ability to control one’s behavior from THEIR definition of what is acceptable. I keep doing this behavior and afterward I feel like crap (or some other consequence). I am not going to do this anymore. But soon I do it again. Ok, no big deal, until I repeat this experiment add infinitum. I try to apply my will power each time in some new way - or sometimes I don’t fight at all. The cycle continues. Eventually the consequences get worse (usually along with the behavior) and I can’t take it. I begin to lose things like my family, job, self repect. But even after all that I continue to “act out”. Finally the only choice seems to be to put a gun in my mouth. This is how I describe sex addiction. It is one very oversimplified example but the emphasis is on THE ABILITY TO CONTROL MYSELF. NOT MORALITY.

I am just trying to counter balance some of the ideas I picked up on in your article. Maybe we should meet for coffee and discuss it

Colorado

Reading this story made me so angry. I don’t care what this woman’s degree says she and thousands of other therapists think they know. Just because something isn’t recognized by all in the medical or psychiatric community ( and sex addiction is recognized by many in these fields) doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Psychiatrists and Psychologists for years have disagreed on whether or not multiple personality disorder really exists. Try telling the hundreds of thousands of spouses who’s partners are addicted to internet porn that what they are going thru is not real. My husband’s been addicted for 23 years. He struggles with it daily and the sad thing is he’s just like so many other men and even some women out there. You can say it’s not an addiction but look up the definition of addiction!! As per the dictionary: “The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.” My husband has tried everything to try to control his overwhelming desire to surf for porn. Internet filters, internet locks on the computer, having me remove the battery and power cord from his laptop and hide it from him, an accountability report of what he’s viewed on the internet, counselling, etc. Everything, but so far he’s unable to completely control his compulsion. If he does go a while without viewing it then when he finds himself having an uncontrollable urge to view it he then spends hours binging on it. Just like many other addicts of other addictions He’s a very dedicated and responsible person but he’s put his very career at risk because of his inablilty to stop himself from wanting to look at porn at work (he’s never actually viewed “porn” at work-so far- but has come very close and used substitutes instead like bakini models and such). Extensive research shows that all kinds of chemical’s are released in the brain while viewing porn. Chemicals that provide such an addictive feeling of euphoria that the addict becomes addicted to the reaction their body has from viewing the porn. Ask anyone addicted to it and they’ll tell you that it makes them feel excited (not just sexually) along with other things but it also gives them a peaceful feeling and helps them to relax. It feels like a high you could get from any other drug. Research has shown that porn is actually more addictive than heroine and harder to beat as an addiction because as the good doctor in this article pointed out, you can detox from all other addictions, but there’s no way to detox from the images in your head. Just ask anyone addicted to porn and they’ll tell you that they can run thousands of images of naked people that they’ve viewed thru their heads at any given time. As far as the argument that it’s not an addiction because there are no withdrawal symptoms, once again, not true. Some withdrawal symptoms from nicotine are “and intense craving for nicotine, tension, irritability, difficulty concentrating, anxiety” etc. The withdrawl symptoms from frequent porn viewing (by someone who’s addicted to it) are exactly the same and sometimes even worse. Are you now going to say that nicotine addiction isn’t real either? I have at least a dozen books on this topic alone within which thousands of sex addicts have been studied and counselled and you can’t tell them that they don’t have a “true addiction” and aren’t suffering greatly because of it. That it’s “a bunch of baloney”. Hundreds of them have lost their families and/or jobs because of their addiction. Everyone still thinks that money is the mostly exclusive cause of divorces nowadays but that’s just true anymore. Divorce attorney’s are seeing more and more marriages ending because of one of the partners porn addiction. One lawyer in California in particular said that half of her cases were because of that reason alone. And another thing. Just because something is culturally accepted doesn’t mean it’s right. We’re told that just about every thing sexually under the sun is “normal and okay” when it’s just not! Honor killings are culturally accepted in many Muslim countries but that doesn’t make them right! Same thing with female genitalia mutilation and stoning of someone who’s gay or commits adultery. I’m sure you could find doctors and psychologist from those countries who would say that those things are normal, acceptable and even honorable behaviours and practices but the rest of us know that’s a crock. I found this article very hurtful because it minimalizes, trivializes and says that what we are experiencing just isn’t real. I also found it dangerously misinformative. There are so many things in this world that doctors and scientists say don’t exist and aren’t possible only to be proven wrong over time. Well I garauntee you this will be one of those things that is eventually recognized by the medical community even by those that are way behind on the consequences of our overly sexualized society and greatly misinformed of the hundreds of thousands (if not more) persons who are struggling with this addiction. This particular addiction is only going to get worse with our modern day “sexing up” of everything from advertisements to tv and movies along with the popularity of the internet and the availability of porn on it. Sex on the Internet constitutes the third largest economic sector on the Web gernerating over one billion dollars annually.
Start doing some actual research and treating real sex addicts and you’ll be singing a different tune. Or even start by going to “codeps.com”, a support group site for the partners of sex addicts, read their heartbreaking stories and tell them that it’s all of figment of their imagination.

Yvonne, thanks for revealing the truth about this issue because the truth will set you free. It’s astonishing to hear it from someone with your credentials but you do realize it makes you a contrarian.

While I think it’s true that there is no such thing as “addiction” in the sense that a person is not responsible for her/her sexual urges, I think it’s misinformed to suggest that there is no such thing as sexual addiction. People become addicted to something when they feel like they must have it in order to be happy, and there are quite a few people who are willing to throw away everything they have; families, money, and reputation, because they feel like they must gratify their urges in order to be happy.

Yvonne,
What’s “hogwash” is your article, and your “religion” of psychology which says that anything goes, any whim for sexual pleasure is okay if it is consensual.

This wisdom is pathetic . . . I certainly hope no one takes this article seriously.

MV

One last thought. It wasn’t all that long ago that both the mental health profession as a whole, along with chiropractics, were considered “quack” fields or as you might say “a crock”. Some people still feel that way. Aren’t you glad that not everyone was or is as close-minded as you and some of your fellow collegues? Otherwise you folks would be out of a job. Your article came acrossed much like the uneducated folks whose stance with anorexics is “what’s the big deal, just eat”. As you know, it’s just not that simple.

Those who think it’s hogwash have obviously never lived through it. I consider myself a “survivor” of my husband’s “addiction”. It nearly ended our marriage. He was up at all hours of the night looking at porn, started out mild and increasingly got more raunchy. It eventually moved to acting out with other people. And before someone cries that he wasn’t getting tnough at home, that’s garbage. I did everything he wanted and he couldn’t stop. There are actually studies to show that male orgasm has the same effect on the brain as heroin. So yes, I believe it’s addictive, but curable.

Thank you, thank you!
I need to tell you I have been reading your column religously and am happy to hear Im not an addict! I recently found the pleasure or orgasming, at the late age of 32, and I am loving this time of my life! While I dont have a partner, I am happy with the experiences I am going through and loving everything about learning how to please myself!
Ive seriously thought I was ‘addicted’ and have been shameful. I like to climax at least daily and really really anticpate it if its been more than 2 days. But now I will simply enjoy and continue my adventures and know that its okay.
Thanks again!

I think this article is quite sensible. However, it failed to address what seems to me anyway to be clear dysfunctions like beastiality for instance, or what about the guy in the news who was just given the death penalty for torturing and raping a little girl before finally cutting her head off??

There might be far more than meets the eye regarding sexual behaviors, but I’m certainly not convinced that everyone is therefore given carte blanch. My non-professional opinion is that what matters isn’t the sexual behavior itself per se but rather the motivation behind it. For instance, if the aforementioned child molester was abused as a child as he claimed in court, then the proper course of action would be to focus on resolving those issues rather than transferring his pathologies into other areas of his life, such as sex. Otherwise, I don’t necessarily care if a couple wants to dress up in clown suits and clobber each other over the head with nerf bats.

As with all ethical behaviors, it’s ultimately just about realistic living isn’t it? A bank robber might get to live it up for the time being, and that seems to me a great thing except that there are consequences to his actions and what he does affects those around him. Getting angry is also natural, for example. The only question is how we act on that anger. Perhaps some anger is not good because it is the compounded result of acting unrealistically upon some previous wrong, some previous angry occurrence.

I think you’re spot on.

Seems like everyone is looking for something else to blame, instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. I’m quite sure I would be label an addict by that defination, and proud of it.

I say own your freakiness (as long as it’s between consenting adults) and enjoy it.

If you are so repressed that this is not possible for you, then at the very least, worry about your own sexual morality and leave us freaks alone.

Unbelievable. Yvonne has done anything but research. Her arguments are as shallow as her understanding of true intimacy expressed in the beautiful gift of sex. I recommend she read up on Patrick Barnes to become educated about this very real addiction. Of course she has to downplay this reality because it threatens her very raison d’etre.

But how many more young collegiate women, will have to suffer rape, torture, and murder; how many more young boys and girls will be sexually abused; sold into sexual servitude; how many more families will be destroyed by infidelity; before we realize our society is serious trouble viz. its apparent all consuming goal: orgasm.

I have attended many an SA meeting and regualrly prayed the serenity prayer with men and woment who are no longer raping, no longer pimping children as prostitutes; no longer passing out their HIV to others.

Maybe Yvonne should take a month and attend 5-6 SA meetings herself. Who knows, maybe she too can come to know a life enriched by, rather than totally consumed by sex.

I agree with this article 100%. Too many people use the title sex addict as an excuse for their bad choses or as an excuse to do whatever they want. Then when they are confronted with the consequences of cheating on their partner they claim sexual addiction to get out of trouble and to get sympathy. It is the biggest crock of SH*# I have ever heard.

Wow! As a SEX ADDICT myself, I’m apalled at your narrow-minded way of categorically trashing an entire group of people. First of all, my addiction has NEVER been my crutch. When I mess up, I made a choice. Yes, the first step, of all 12-step programs, is admitting powerlessness to control addictive/compulsive behaviors and that life has become unmanageable, but I don’t think you see the real issue. This is due to the fact that either

A. You are in denial
B. You are not an addict, and therefore, find it difficult to empathize with those who are

Trust me, there are sex addicts, many more than you or I know. My suggestion to you, would be to pick up the book “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes. What you should know, is that there are many people who use sex/porn/lust to cope with pain. Anything that you turn to, again and again, to medicate the pain in your life, is an addiction.

It could be drugs, alcohol, the endorphine release from sex/fantasy/porn or eating. People who turn again and again to something (whatever it is — work, games, control) to mask their pain, have a REAL problem. The real thing that is causing many sex addicts in our culture, is that people are becoming less and less relational these days — much more inclined to blog, IM, e-mail than to get together with friends face-to-face.

Many don’t know how to have REAL relationships, but they know how to have sex. Since they know how to have sex, they assume they know how to love, but nothing could be further from the truth. Much of what I have said, I speak out of my history and my 1st hand experiences from talking with many men who share in my struggle or some variation of it. It’s funny, advice like yours is what I got from a psychologist in college.

If he had told me then, to get into a 12-step group, how much pain would it have saved me? Too much. I have another friend, who was military, and when he was in the service, went to their (Navy) psychologist and told him he thought he had a problem. When the psychologist asked my friend if his wife knew about it, and he told him “No,” the psychologist remarked “…what’s the problem?”

The fact of the matter is, that I’ve seen people recover, and after more than 3 and 1/2 years in recovery myself, I’ve seen A LOT of progress in my own life. That being said, everyone I know, who has thought early on “something’s awry” only to have a psychologist tell them they’re normal, eventually ends up back in recovery, much later, and filled with regret that the “professional” they saw, led them astray. Please, do everybody a favor, and stop telling people they aren’t addicted, just because the fact that they are getting help and seeing positive changes in their own lives makes you uncomfortable that you aren’t.

Dr. Fulbright,

I AM HOPEFUL YOU WILL WRITE ME BACK because I have many questions of you. I enjoy reading your column and find that I agree with you most times. I am not sure you are a Christian though so I would love to know that–but that is a more personal matter. But, professionally, I happen to agree with most of what you say, even though it contradicts what most believe in modern Christianity at times. However, this is NOT the fault of God or the Bible. It is the fault of Christians themselves who surround the subject of sex with FEAR and in so doing, either misinterpret the gospel or over-extend the sexual rules laid out for us in the gospel. If you are a Christian, I would love to engage in a candid discussion with you regarding what behaviors, specifically, that the gospel alllows verses those that are specifically forbidden. My own reading of the gospel reveals to me that there are actually very few things that we, as Christians, can not do. Those things specifically forbidden are few, but very explicit. Anything outside of those few “sins” I think we are probably free in Christ to engage in as often as we want, provided we are doing so within the bounds of Godly marriage and provided that our wife also consents. Further, I think that if most people coud get past their own religious FEARS regarding sexuality due to the erroneous information they have been taught, then both their sex lives and their psychological well being would be much healthier.

On a related note, I agree with your basic premise for today’s article in that not everyone is created equally, sexually speaking. For instance, I am a Marine, and a pretty physically gifted one, and like most Marines, my body produces WAY more testosterone than the average male. The results of this are that I can do many more physical things than most people and that my sex drive is also much higher. This does not excuse sexual immorality on my part. I know that I am still responsible for submitting my body to God through the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ, and ultimately figuring out a way to live a moral life. But still, I know that when I finally find someone with whom I believe to be my sexual equal so that I can get married to her, I know I will engage in sexual activities with my wife far more often than the average person and the sexual activities are going to be more varied–just because it is in me to do that. It is not evil, as long as I am obeying the Bible. On the contrary, it is a gift from God, for both me and for my wife, and like all gifts from God, it is created to be good. So I agree that we are all created as sexual beings and as such, are all created unique in Christ with different appetites and needs. Therefore, who is to say, what is a normal amount of times to engage in particular sexual behavior or what behaviors are normal–though there are definitely a few that are forbidden scripturally and that is among the things I would like to hash out with you–but still, there are far less activities forbidden in scripture than not, if people would read what the gospel actually says verses what they are often wrongly told that it says. Are you a Christian? And whether you are or are not, would you be willing to discuss these matters candidly with me over the email or even through the regular mail? It might help you reach a wider Christian audience. Also, is that your link that I see on Myspace? We could do it that way too–though you may prefer my private email if you want it to be more private. Would love to hear from you. God bless.

Trevor

Hi I just read your article about sex addiction and had to comment. About 14 years ago at two years into my marriage I had and affair. It was bad but my wife and I worked through it. Than a year or so latter I did it again so I thought that I must be a sex addict. So I went to see a psychologist. I should mention that I am a Christian so of course this psychologist was a Christian as well. So I am fully expecting to here that I am a sex addict from this guy and after pouring out all my “problems” he tell me to my surprise that I was not a sex addict but I had other issues mostly maturity and commitment problems. Oddly enough he ended up doing marriage consoling for the both of us. After much blood sweat and tears we put it behind us and we have never looked back and our relationship gets stronger all the time and the beauty part is that our sex life is unbelievable and continues to get better all the time. Much better than running around for a thrill, getting intimidate with same person over 18 years of marriage has taken me and my wife to places of intimacy that I never thought possible…oh and its wild too;} All this to say to you your right sex addiction is a bunch of bunk. It may exist in some form for a very small percentage of the people who claim to suffer from it. I believe that most times it’s just a way for someone to get out of being caught cheating. I just wanted to also mention that not all Christians or Christian Councilors are trying to restrain sexuality some do get it and I was lucky enough to get one like that. Anyway great article keep up the good work.

Frank P

Thank you! I am tired of every little thing becoming a “disease.” Just because I like sex does not make me an addicit or un-moral. I love my wife and to be very honest I would rather be having sex than then commenting here!

I usually enjoy the comments of Ms. Fulbright on the various subjects of sex and our society but I think she has missed the boat on this one and reveals some of her own ignorance regarding sex and relationships among the faith community. She assumes that all who call upon the name of God and/or Jesus Christ believe sex to be something evil and to be shunned except for procreation but definitley not something to be pursued for enjoyment, that is far from the truth. We beleive that sex belongs in the confines of marriage and is something to be shared intimately between husband and wife as they desire to please each other mentally, emotionally and physically. In my unprofessional opinion, it is much more emotianlly healty for a woman to know that the man she just gave her body and soul to will be there in the morning, the next day, every day, to know that she is loved and appreciated and exclusively his. Uncontrolled passions and lust almost always lead to someone being hurt or feeling used even in marriage and you wonder why we have such a problem with drug addiction and emotional distress in our society. People are trying to hide the pain they have brought upon themselves through uncontrolled behavior. If her statement, “Besides being absolutely ridiculous, there are a number of reasons why the concept of sex addiction is nothing more than a fabrication.” is true, then the same can be said for the other token diagnosis of our day “Bi-Polar”.

I wish that your article would have been supported by more than your efforts to be as you describe yourself in your “bio” “titillating”.

As a PHD in education you obviously know the importance of supporting your comments by data and research. Interestingly enough, I experienced your article as remarkably ignorant, superficial and highly judgmental of those who might understand “dependence” differently than you do.

You missed a very real opportunity to support sexualities in their many expressions as well as the research about them and to inform others about when they may be having difficulties and to be helpful.

Your article argues, that there is no such thing as sexual “addiction,” that it is all a fabrication of self-righteous moralizers and that there is “nothing wrong with these components of healthy sexuality, as long as the interaction between two lovers is informed and consensual.”

What I thought was really interesting in your article is how you focused in on some of the “medical and counseling professionals and members of the clergy — with no background in sexuality,” and of course you are referring to Catholic clergy, it’s interesting how you singled them out. You go on to say that they “are being aggressively trained to identify and deal with a supposed issue cleverly labeled “sex addiction.” That thier goal is “to make a disease of your sex life. Moralistic and misinformed, they’re out to judge you. They’re telling you what should be sexually acceptable for you. After all, in their book, sex is dangerous. If you don’t fit their vision of sexual “wholesomeness,” then you’ve got a problem.”

The problem with your argument is that you seem to be saying that those that are “moralistic and misinformed” are saying that sex is bad. While I would agree that many now and the past have taken this moralistic view to the extremes, such as the Puritans and the Victorian period, where it was considered a scandel for a woman to even show her ankles, I believe that there is another view of sexuality that you are not aware of and I would argue, a view that does not say “sex is bad” but good, very very good and to enjoy this supreme goodness we must enjoy the fruits of this goodness within the right context and understanding of relationships.

So, we begin with the simple question: What is a Healthy view of sexuality? To adequately answer this question we must first make an argument for a proper view of sex.

I would arge that a healthy view of sex integrates the psychological, emotional, physical and life-giving or procreative potential is a comprehensive and proper view of sex. This perspective provides the only foundation for intimacy built upon mutual love and respect with a high view of humanity. Intimacy by its very nature is something deeply personal marked by the sharing of one’s innermost self, an act of unrestrained exposure to our most vulnerable physical and emotional self. For this reason a relationship rooted in mutual trust and respect proves essential to a truly fulfilling sexual experience. This would explain why, statistically speaking, married couples report feeling significantly more sexually satisfied than non-married sex partners. This is one of the principal reasons why marriage is so integral to healthy sexuality as it represents the highest level of commitment integrating persons psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It is within the context of such a relationship that people discover the emotional and physical security necessary to experience true sexual freedom.

There is much more that could be said regarding marriage and its intrinsic relationship to sex. However, for the purposes of our examination of healthy sexuality, this will suffice.

The other view of sexuality, the view which you are promoting, and frankly the more pervasive view in today’s culture, is by contrast a disintegrated view separating the physical from every other aspect. Sex is reduced to mere copulation and persons are instrumentalized or viewed as objects of sexual gratification. This is a radically different view than the one I described above and serves as the basis for a whole host of negative perceptions and consequences. This view is inherently dehumanizing, reducing persons to nothing more than instrumental value. Our perceptions of men and women are brought down to their most base form as “objects” whose sole purpose is to meet the “objectifier’s” needs. This shift in thinking denies the intrinsic value of people made in the image of God and renders them less than human, fostering a low view of humanity. History has demonstrated that a society of people who have a view of others as less than human will necessarily become desensitized and indifferent leading to a culture in which the abuse of those so objectified increases. This might account for the unprecedented increase in violence against women and the epidemic rape rates in this country just in the period since the so-called sexual revolution began.

In addition, this disintegrated view of sexuality is inherently selfish and narcissistic; sex is divorced from love and relationship and instead is viewed as sport producing a conquest mentality. Intimacy has no place in such a system. Sex is no longer an act of sharing and vulnerability but simply self-centered gratification. The gratification of self above all else becomes the purpose and aim of all sexual encounters. Again, this is in sharp contrast to a proper view of human sexuality which advocates and achieves the highest satisfaction through an emphasis on the other instead of self.

Peter Kreeft summed this up well in his book How to Win the Culture War when he wrote, “ our culture does not know the difference between money and sex. It treats sex like money because it treats sex as a medium of exchange, and it treats money like sex because it expects its money to get pregnant and reproduce.”

This is the view of sexuality and human relationships that our pornographic culture promotes and idealizes to the exclusion of all others. This would explain why, in large part, pornography has such strong appeal among men because the difficult and sometimes challenging aspects of relationship are completely removed giving the viewer unabated access to sex without any prior or subsequent commitments. Couple this with the visual medium, a powerful sexual stimulant to men, and you have the makings of a potent platform for the perversion of male views pertaining to sex, relationships, and women in general.

If we want to live lives that are healthy and especially our sex to be fulfilling then wouldn’t it make since to promote a sexuality that provides the most complete and fulfilling experience that can be obtained? I leave it to the readers of my comments as to which of the above would be more fulfilling…and “who” is really misinformed.

Kenneth Henderson
http://www.TrueKnights.org

I wouldnt call it an addiction but my husband turns into an ass when he doesnt get any or doesnt have an hour to search through porn and in turn creates alot of tension in the relationship. So being it called sex addiction or not, there is some withdrawl symptoms that show up

I absolutely agree with you. People use the word “addiction” as an excuse to hide their fear of other relationship or intimacy problems. Also, there are no parameters that fit everyones situation or desires. There is nothing better in life than a positive, healthy sexual lifestyle.

I have to say she is WAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY off. Anything in your life that would cause you to do something that could potentially cost you your marriage your family,and everything that is truly important in life is an addiction. When you are in the moment and not thinking about the devistating consequences and potiential ruin of your life,I would call this an addiction. No sex is not bad it is a wonderful blessing,just as food and other things that are essintial to life. However it can be used in the same manner as drugs,and alcahol and this is not healthy.

This is a well written, sex-positive article that takes the backward, oppressive ‘morality police’ head-on. Good job Yvonne K. Fulbright! We need more people in our society willing to stand up to those who use people’s insecurities and lack of information about what constitutes healthy sexual behavior as a means to control them.

Now Marrecca Fiore, you totally missed the point. Asking “Is sex addiction the real deal or just a convenient excuse used by cheaters who are caught red-handed?” is like asking someone when they stopped beating their wife. The point is not that ’sex addiction’ is an excuse used by people who aren’t dealing with their relationships in an ethical way, but that it’s a tool used by people who want our society to go back to the Puritans. Did you read the article?

Just like a marketing company can’t sell you a bottle of “You’re just fine they way you are”, many of the religious leaders in our country need to use subtle reasoning to make the human experience seem like a hopeless situation. A situation from which only some fairy god can save us. If you buy their argument and you even think about someone to whom you are not married ( and that person must be a member of the opposite sex, by the way ) in a sexual way , then you have already sinned and need divine intervention. ( Matthew 5:28 )

That’s nonsense! The range of human sexuality is diverse, rich and vibrant. It should be celebrated and cherished, not stuffed in a box of shame and fear.

P.S. Yes, I quote scripture. I’ve read every page of the Bible several times over. I have been trained as a Christian evangelical minister and know all of the self-referential arguments that the scriptures offer. I now use my training to reason with people and help them get out from under the control of these oppressive organizations whenever I can.

As a grieving wife, I could not disagree more with this article. My marriage has been in serious trouble, due to my husbands addition to pornography. He was so accustomed to the “high, the thrill” of porn, he did not have the energy, he could not connect with me, his wife.

For the first 3 years of our marriage, we had sex 12 times. I begged, cried, pleaded, and he was the one saying “I have a headache”. I felt like a sister, like a room mate. I tried everything I knew of to get his attention. I thought of having an affair, but I did not want “just sex” I wanted emotional intimacy with my husband.

After several counselors, finally the light of day was shined, that he was so used to the porn, he could not get excited about being intimate with his wife. We are still working through this issue, and will be for probably our entire marriage. It means, accountablility, honesty, compassion and mercy. Just like if you were married to an alcoholic.

We are both in counseling, and thankful that our town has support groups available for both of us. Him, to gain control over this area, and to realize all of the addiction ramifications. The group for me focuses on the simple fact, that I only have control of myself.

The stories I hear from the other women, I wish you could sit in and listen. You would not write this is a crock. It is ruining the American Family.

This self proclaimed expert does not know what she is talking about. Brain scans of sex addicts and drug addicts are identical. She needs to do more research.

Just shut up and enjoy it! no need to argue about something so humanly natural.

Interesting article. I think that we in this society have an over active sex drive. If we spent half the money that porn takes in on medical research what cures could we have found? I know that that is pie in the sky thinking, but. I agree to fall prey to the idea of being a sex addict is as you have stated, a crock. It boils down to self control. We always want excuses for wonton behavior that we will fall for any concept that is promoted by some one we respect.

This is probably the most honest article on this subject I have ever read. Just remember, if you think that the truth is important and that it should be told honestly, you can never be a journalist in today’s world.
Good luck and thank you.
Bud Stafford

Yvonne — Thank you for your succinct, intelligent and informed comments on the farcical notion of “sex addiction.” The charlatans and guilt mongers who have promoted this nonsense should have your column, and this particular article, as required reading. The notion of “sex addiction” in humans makes about as much sense as “oxygen addiction.” In any case, too many folk have been guilted into believing they are some type of addict, when all they really are is normal humans who, like everyone else, need to understand and control their quite natural desires. As a professor, and one who is also religious, I hope that more reasoned approaches to sexuality, such as your observations, will become more the norm in religious and socialogical counselling. JC, PhD

Dr. Fulbright. Your article makes a lot of sense. Obviously, most of the people who are making comments on this article are concentrating on the their own pain points with your observations, and are not reviewing the article as a whole. The way I read it (and correct me if I’m wrong), you are not making a blanket statement, you are targeting so-called experts who have no credentials and agendas who are at odds with identifying true illnesses (for want of a better word).

I did not see you denying the existence of sexual addition or the need for people to get treatment for obcessive/compulsive behavior of any kind.

Thanks for the article.

In general I like and appreciate Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright articles. I have also visited her site. However I think she is right and wrong on this one. Dr. Fulbright ends her article saying, “Yes, there are a handful of cases where someone does have a problem – when their sexual activities are deemed more important than their relationships, work, finances, etc. But these situations are rare. And the issue isn’t sex; it’s something else.” As the professional that I believe she is I don’t know whey she said, ” “Yes, there are a handful of cases. . . But these situations are rare. And the issue isn’t sex; it’s something else.” She is right when she says the real issue isn’t sex. It is not. The sex issue is more of a symptom of deeper spiritual and emotional issues. She is right about that. But she is very wrong when she says that these issue of sex being the symptom of deeper problems are “a handful and rare”. It is anything but. It is a major problem effecting individuals, families businesses and society in general. It leads to many marital breakups, it makes personal problems even more complicated, it contributes to sexual abuse problems involving both adults and children, and the destruction of lives. Though “sexual addiction” may be a misnomer, “unhealthy sexual obsession” is epidemic in our day and doing much damage.

One other thing, usually people who go for help because the think they are “sex addicts”, if they go to a good counselor, deeper at the heart of their addictions are usually addressed. This has become a major problem effect society in our day. Ask some of our politicians.

I agree with your comments completely. The ‘Sex Addict’ label’s only purpose is to justify a person’s errant behavior or cover up the fact they have a personality disorder. I’m sure if you took a poll in the U.S. a majority of people would desire to have various sexual encounters with a variety of other people (maybe some not with people - who knows). However the average person has the ability to balance their actions with the consequenses of those actions which allows them to control their behavior. The ‘Sex Addict’ is lacking this ability. However, I believe, this lack of control doesn’t entitle them to be included in the addict fraternity and is more of a personality disorder. For some people their personality disorder may be demonstrated by becomming ingrossed in sexuality, maybe the next person can’t stop texting, the next person can’t stop gambling, the next person can’t stop playing video games, the next person can’t get off of the internet, and so on.

Off topic, why haven’t you found someone to commit to in marriage or do you just choose not to wear a ring? I would think that someone with your educational background would be in the position to select the perfect mate.

Dr. Fulbright,

I am a college educated man. But I don’t claim to be the smartest guy in the world - especially on this subject. I have deferred to your formal education in this area and have gained a bit of knowledge since your articles first began appearing on Fox’s website. Thank you for that.

I’m afraid I have to take exception over the content and tone of your latest article. I am a man of faith with deeply held convictions and have been for 30+ years. Many times however, I have not lived by those convictions as I should have. The tone of your latest article goes over the line in my opinion. There are tens of millions of people whose faith has shaped their lives and their moral character (or lack thereof). I get the impression that you assume that people who profess a certain morality on this topic are neanderthals who don’t have the intellectual honesty to see things as they are. I would be fine with the argument if it were simply a manner of semantics over which word to use (addiction or obsession). I don’t think that’s where you are coming from though?

I am a product of the 70’s. The whole “if it feels good, do it” moral relativism shaped my early life. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired - to paraphrase. I was trapped in a lifestyle of being obsessed/addicted to pornography and chronic masturbation for most of my adult life. It consumed me at times, even well into my marriage and after my children were born. In my opinion, to assume this was not abnormal on some level is simply wrong headed, even in a purely secular mindset - not to mention faith-based value set. My habit stole years from my wife. It has contributed to a lack of intimacy and prevented me from developing my marriage, my faith and nurturing my children. It has left me emotionally stunted and led to my objectifying women at all levels.

It really doesn’t matter to me what words you use, or if you’re uncomfortable with throwing around the word addiction. I believe that any sex outside of bonds of a one man/one woman marriage is outside God’s design (even if it’s just you), no matter how consenting the adults are. All I know is - I had a problem and God delivered me. I’ve been porn free for 15 months and haven’t acted out for longer than that. My wife and I are re-building the trust and intimacy that has been missing for many years. Our love life has never been like this. My final comment would be to be careful in how you characterize people who feel strongly about this topic or who feel a moral obligation to lead a certain lifestyle. It will add credibility to your argument if you stick to the physiological/psychological aspects and stay away from the moral condemnations. Thank you for your time.