Finally a woman that understands what a man wants from his mate in the bedroom!

I agree with most of the items you mentioned except the pornography. Pornography is dangerous as it objectifies women. It leads to a little more hardcore, that doesn’t satisfy as it used to, and then a little more hardcore is needed and on and on. Yes, it will sooner or later replace the wife and should never be allowed. It is an additiction. Please don’t advocate for something that degrades women.

I like making noise and talking dirty to my boyfriend, but when he still lives with his mom and step-dad at the age of 29, it’s a little hard for me to do that. I live in an apartment with my brother and it seems like he never leaves, so it is hard for my boyfriend and I to have any alone time. With money being tight for both of us going to a hotel for the night or weekend is out of the question. Any suggestions?

wow, so we’re really supposed to keep our mouths shut about bathroom stuff? well, sorry for being human, maybe you should think about maturity before a sexual relationship if you can’t handle it. and as for pornography? wow, that’s really something i want my husband enjoying….another woman instead of me. i don’t care how much men try to say otherwise, there’s at least ONE time you’ll be thinking about the blonde on the screen instead of your wife. not the best idea for a healthy marriage.

I agree with her 99%… but nipples? It’s hard to feel like a man when a lady is trying to milk you.

I would replace that nipple paragraph with having a girl spend a little time on youtube and educate herself on all sorts of sex fetishes. Most guys like something or another and it will increase the odds she won’t respond with an “ick” when faced with it.

Nothing is worse than someone you’re with judging you in a negative way…

this article is retarded. she obviously is not a mom, obviously never has been in a monogamous relationship, and obviously doesn’t think pornography is bad.

some of the items on the list are common sense, but most of them are just ‘cosmopolitan’-type nonsense that don’t apply to real relationships. especially the pornography item – if a woman is not bothered by her man glaring at fake boobs and plastic sugery-enhanced models, then she’s living in a fantasy world.

I’d say that the “bodily function comment” type stuff cuts BOTH ways. In fact, MEN are far more likely to discuss their latest bowel movement than are women. Where does Yvonne get this stuff?

“Strive to stay trim and look your best, and apparently effortlessly at that. While he wants you to be the girl-next-door in so many ways, he also wants to eternally see you as his sex goddess.”

While I agree with most of the article, why does one have to be trim to look their best? Big girls can be just as confident as “trim” girls in and out of the bedroom.

Face it ladies, we’re only here to be the mans fantasy and to be used for his every whim. Yeah right.

Porn is unacceptable and cheating. You don’t have to put up with this ladies! Why should your man enjoy watching other women when you can dance for him? My man doesn’t need porn to get aroused… maybe if these guys need porn they should try some Viagra!

All great info!!

im just going to go ahead and repeat all that mark said because this is a terrible article- it would be better placed in those celeb magazines not on the fox news website, wow.

this article is retarded. she obviously is not a mom, obviously never has been in a monogamous relationship, and obviously doesn’t think pornography is bad.

some of the items on the list are common sense, but most of them are just ‘cosmopolitan’-type nonsense that don’t apply to real relationships. especially the pornography item – if a woman is not bothered by her man glaring at fake boobs and plastic sugery-enhanced models, then she’s living in a fantasy world.

I’m not into my nipples being sucked on – i have never asked but I’m sure most men would not like it either.

Porn is not an addiction unless you would rather do that then have sex with your wife. Those that think it is are the women that this lady is trying to help

To the woman who thinks her man will think of other women while have sex with you. You are right we do. But if you were truly honest with yourself you would admit that you think of other men too

100% Correct on all counts.

Especially number 6…being unable to own your body. You couldn’t be more right that attitude is as big, or bigger a component of a sexy woman than simple outward appearance.

As for pornography, I see several women have already cried objectification and decried fake breasts and other surgical enhancements. What a narrow view of erotica that is. The truth is that, in my experience, the material I find most enticing are amateur films…and I mean truly amateur. Woman/couple next door types of images that I could envision actually happening somewhere on my street. These things are more closely related to events that take place in my own bedroom and much easier to relate to. I and the men to whom I’ve spoken on the subject over the years agree that perfectly lit, perfectly made up, cosmetically and surgically enhanced Barbie dolls are too unnatural to carry much psychological weight in a real intimate situation.

Cathy… pornography cannot a replace a living breathing person. It’s simply illogical. I understand how it can be threatening to woman, but how do you think men feel when ever tabloid in the supermarket has Matthew McConaughey shirtless on the front or when you have shows like Sex In The City glorify the objectification of men?

Basically, we should try our best not to judge based on our own insecurities. A woman is not going to find me unattractive because I don’t have a movie star chest and a man will not stop loving you because some 20 year old is doing naughty things on a DVD.

My advice is to go find some porn you’re into and have a little fun…

Dana … I have an idea for you. Record the dirty talk on to an mp3 player and both of you can wear head phones when you’re together. Blast it on high volume and you will feel like you’re completely free.

Touching a man’s nipples (sometimes have to remember we have them) is NOT a turn-on, no matter what she says.

I thought this was a well-thought out, well written article, though I was (pleasantly) surprised to see that many of the suggestions could be assumed to have been written by a male.
I will see that my wife sees and reads it. Thank you!

#3 is incredibly important. I don’t take that to mean women should try to achieve an unrealistic, June Cleaver, standard. Just please, remember who you were that attracted your husband to you in the first place. Physical appearance and decorum count. They don’t count nearly as much as Hollywood and the media would have us believe, but they do count.

She is right on the money. And Cathy your comments about pronography are as out there as saying anyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic, or anyone who takes pain medication is an addict. If it’s not for you that’s fine but don’t judge and please don’t generalize. And what about those steamy love novels that so many women love to read? Are those addictive also? And what about when you fantasize about being with someone other than your spouse? You will never be able to stop your husband from doing that, at least not if he’s a human male. Yeah Ok I just generalized but do you get my point!

As usual, Yvonne is right.

The people who object seem to be thinking about their feelings, and the article is cleary a generalization of what men would like in their women. Not everyone will like everything that is suggested, and the people commenting above obviously have their own hangups instead of having the thought of pleasing their lover (isn’t that what love is about?).

And people should not degrade into name-calling when Yvonne is just trying to give her opinion on what she has observed in her studies and in ther practice.

Frances… are you kidding? How mature do you expect everyone to be? Yes, A poop joke is not supposed to make me laugh at 35 years old, but it does. Forgive me, but if my wife cuts a cherry bomb in the room, I don’t have the urge to suddenly strip naked. If you enjoy hearing about how gassy your husband is before sex, by all means have a good time with it… but it’s a sex fetish and not a maturity issue.

As far as your hubby thinking about the “blonde” instead of his wife… if my wife is thinking about Brad Pitt instead of me, maybe the problem is with me and what I’m bringing to the table. Everyone in a relationship has a responsibility to be there for their partner. If one person abandons the other by getting huge or not caring about their appearance, then it’s only natural to seek help in keeping interested.

Sex is an animalistic trait in humans…. It’s got little to do with maturity. When you find Ralph Kramden sexy.. then you can talk about how your husband should accept anything. If the pretty blonde in the video makes your husband want you a little more in bed, what’s so terrible about that? It saves you the trouble of having to excersize.

Frances…discussions about digestive or other bodily issues in a clinical context or that of an illness are perfectly fine. Adults shouldn’t be embarrassed about these kinds of things, but as a general rule routine bodily functions should be kept discreet. I’m perfectly aware of the things my wife does on a daily basis, those that we have in common and those she must undergo and endure as a woman. They are all natural…and so is a pack of lions evicerating a water buffalo, but that doesn’t mean I have any desire to be in the immediate vicinity while it’s taking place, or to discuss the details of the event for any reason.

Mark… there is no way on earth you a man. Do woman like it when their husband becomes a “dad”, gets fat, lets the hair leak off the head and starts dressing like a grandpa? Didn’t think so! I know it’s hard to rasie a kid and have time for grooming… but life is hard. You earn happiness in life..

The child should see well groomed, happy parents, not asexual, insecure people who have lost the connection to each other.

The more we hear about sex…the less interesting it becomes.

Banana.. you’re my hero!

Extremely weak and generous compared to the male bashing column from a couple weeks ago. This article should have been called “The blatantly obvious mistakes that WOMEN think women make in bed”. This article should have been written by a man to be of any real value.

Things like:

1. You could learn a LOT from porn. (Men buy and watch porn because THAT is the kind of that turns us on)

2. Fishnets….they’re not just for fishing anymore

You forgot number 11–don’t expect that your partner will be happy with celibacy.

C’mon Tom and Brad, step out of the “manly” stereotype and check those nipples again. You’ll have more fun when you realize more of your body can turn on than just between the legs. You might even discover natural multiple male orgasms.

Hey Stoney, before you kick that hornet’s nest I definitely would NOT show this to your wife. If you have preferences regarding “bedroom” activity man up and tell her. Dropping this article in her lap will have the opposite affect you are intending. Just my thoughts.

The article, was so-so. I too don’t like to have my nipples played with because it just doesn’t turn me on. We all want our significant others to be the way they were when we first fell for them, but age (and kids for the ladies) happen. We should accept them as they are, if you want to change someone then work on yourself. Maybe if they see you making an effort to improve yourself, physically, mentally, etc., then they may follow your lead.

I would expect this article to be on cnn not fox. Enticing people to look at porn should be on the Clinton News Network. Whether married or unmarried porn is destructive, and can become addictive. Why would you encourage something destructive and potentially addictive? The eye is the lamp of the body.
I agree that some people stop looking their best when they get married, but that should be a personal discussion between couples. Additionally, this society has become so sex hungry that they take their eyes of more productive thoughts. Personally, Im tired of all the male driven commercials. When our young daughters see this stuff and we have to explain it to them, it becomes a little sickening. When will we get back to civility?

What does it say that all men agree with the article and most woman seem to disagree? It means that the article is dead on correct. The article is about what woman usually overlook when wanting to become more desirable to their husbands/mates. Every man on here mostly agrees with everything and most woman raise their insecurities up like a flag to the article.

That’s basically the entire point what the writer is talking about. Woman… you will never be able to change a man’s nature, much like we will never be able to change you. We all need to accept each other and try to see the other point of view. You’ll never stop a man from looking at the pretty blonde, but if you make a big deal about it… it will become a big deal. We can never stop you from looking at the shirtless guy on the beach either… why should we? Nobody has the right to ask another human being not to be human. We don’t own our partners.

I am sorry to see Fox News sink to the low level of MSNBC. These sex articles are for trashy news sites and don’t belong here. I wish there was one news site I could let my children read that only contained real news.
I’m disappointed and disgusted.

yes to most of the tips but pornography is not ok. it makes women objects not human. it also leads to men wanting more than just visual stimulus and then they are doing everything in sight. don’t make it sound so innocent it is far from it and has ruined many a life and relationship. when ted bundy was asked as he was lead from the court room what started him on the path of killing and rape he said one word PORNOGRAPHY

Funny to see how jealious some woman can get over the fact that their male partners enjoy watching porn or looking at playboy! These women should
realize that these items are not designed just for men. Maybe they should take a small interest in these tools and learn MOre of what makes us satisfied. Women you do these and we (males) will notice your actions more, and yes PARTNERS should learn and evolve together ESP when it comes to the SACK. (unless your to old and set in your traditional ways of boring sex) cant teach a old dog new tricks, unless theyre willing!
Thanx Sexpert we value your input..

wow, i agree with so much yvonne is saying. it’s about time, too. my husband & i have been together 26 years, have two kids (college) & still have great sex. we’ve always made time for love. we never let our children take over our bed — they had their own. we never had any qualms about getting childcare for an evening out or a weekend away (no guilt here). we’ve always known that we needed to take care of our relationship & not forget that we were a wife & a husband first, parents second. while we love our children heart & soul, we’ve always known we had to provide a solid foundation for them. we both stay fit & strong. and altho i’m not waifish like i was when we married, i’ve tried to keep my weight in check & not just let myself go because i already had a husband “snagged.” we have occasionally shared porn. my husband HATES having his nipples touched! and even tho my husband share EVERYTHING, sometimes a little bathroom modesty is not a bad thing. when i wasn’t working full time, i tried to clean up & look good when he walked in the door … i wanted him to be excited about coming home to see me. and he does the same for me … he dresses in shirts or jeans he knows i love, wears the great cologne. mmm!! folks, just make the effort for the person you loved enough to marry.

Are you kidding me? Numbers 3 and 6 are a bit contradictory. One says “own your body.” The other advises that you stay fit and trim to keep him interested. Whatever! As far as keeping bathroom stuff private….Letting a man know that you have cramps is the best way to get a foot or back rub! These, in turn, can lead to some really nice lovemaking!!! I find it extremely sexy when a man acknowledges that a period is what makes a woman a woman and jumps in there to “help out.” It’s can be a messy, but it’s also when some women feel the most amorous.

Regina… a news site your kids can read? Are you kidding… news that is broadcast on a commercial avenue is rarely good. It’s all about violence and deception. Why would you want your kids watching the news anyway? This site and most news sites are for adults. It’s not the world’s job to shield your kids from the non-Disney side of life.

Tammy… Ted Bundy? Really? C’mon… that’s a little extreme.

Relationships die for real reasons… pornography is just fun. I know a LOT of woman that watch porn.. what’s the big deal with a little objectification? Woman objectify men ALL the time. If you’ve ever thought about a man’s job, a man’s wallet, a man’s body or a man on anything other than a cerebral level.. you’ve been objectifying men. I’m not going to crucify you for it, but don’t judge others by a different standard then you hold yourself to.

I guess it depends on how you are reading this. I think it’s mostly about having a “sexual relationship”, and not about how to maintain a lifelong “relationship”. I can tell you as the wife, porn is an insult. You can try to justify it all you want, but the truth is, looking at porn just for the sake of looking at it is insulting. Especially since most of it is the airbrushed, surgically enhanced 20 something girls, and most of us “mommy” 40 somethings can’t compete. And we know it. It is especially insulting because men are apt to send the porn around to each other, and the stuff with the “over weight, cottage cheese, 40 something” women is more apt to be the “joke” email.

Also, nice to say stay trim, don’t talk about bodily functions, blah blah balh……Wouldn’t that be a nice “fantasy” place to live….But the realities of life are, both men and women loose their youthful figures, and if you live with someone long enough, you are sure to hear about (if not witness) their bodily functions. That is part of life. Get over it. Yes, you may want to stay healthy enough to have sex, and you might want to avoid talking about bodily functions during sex, but really are we so shallow as a society that we can’t handle a mature relationship that includes being comfortable with each other???

Oh, and which is it, worry over staying slim, or own your body? These are a little conflicting don’t you think?

Auggie… it’s no surprise you’re happy. You sound really evolved.

Nikki… Most men like giving back/foot anything massages even without a reason. A period doesn’t have to always be a gateway. Just sit next to him and entice him a little.. it will just happen. Even just ask for one because you’re a woman and you’re giving a guy a chance to have a little fun.

Most woman don’t realize how naturally sexy they are. They don’t have to be in peek physical shape.. just be confident and look within reason like you did when we met you.. and you’ll be fine.

I know most woman have no idea what we like about their bodies beyond breasts… but just trust me… if you’re not 75 lbs overweight, have hairy legs or are have nails growing out to Canada … your partner and most other men will find you sexy for more reasons than you can imagine.

Tammy…citing a literal psychopath is inflamatory, to say the least. Are we really supposed to believe that a deranged psychotic serial killer was able to give an apt appraisal of the impetus for his obsession? Addiction to pornography was only one component of a complex psychosis Bundy developed.

Pornography has existed at least since the ancient Egyptians and it always will. As long as we are biologically driven to pursue sex, the vast majority of us will be interested in sexual imagery to at least some degree. If your personal makeup finds no stimulation from images of sexuality then that is simply your preference. It could be religion based, it could be trauma based, or it could simply be a strong opinion, but generalizing a stereotype and linking it to murder doesn’t help illustrate your point of view.

Items 3, 5, 7 and 10 are ridiculous. Actually, pretty much the entire list is ridiculous because it isn’t universally applicable advice. But those items in particular are highly subjective. Some men like teeth to be used during sex. Trash-talking about other women (in private and not to their face) isn’t necessarily an indicator of insecurity. Many men are offended by trashy women, too. Also, #7 implies that if your man’s eye wanders, it’s your fault. That’s an outdated and absurd notion. #5 is similarly outdated in assuming that men like women who are “nasty” in bed. It goes back to the whole Madonna/Whore dichotomy. Guess what? Plenty of men are turned off by dirty talk in the bedroom.

It strikes me that the entire list is just as offensive and sexist against men as it is women. It makes assumptions about what men like that are simplistic and animalistic. It also attempts to reinforce the “women must be like porn stars in order to satisfy and keep a man” myth.

#4 is a little tricky. Pornography is not evil, and it’s perfectly normal for a man (or a woman!) to continue to enjoy porn while in a steady relationship/marriage. Don’t get excited about it as long as it’s something like Playboy. If, however, the porn he seems to prefer is unusually violent or disgusting (poop/vomit), you should probably have a conversation about it to find out if it reflects a deeper disturbance in his personality or is simply fantasy.

Frankly, this list is a series of assumptions that women shouldn’t make. Generalized assumptions are never a substitute for actually communicating with your mate and talking about what you like and don’t like.

And in case anyone cares about my “qualifications” for saying all this, I’ve been happily married to the same man for 11 years now.

Interesting article, but I disagree with your view on pornography. If a guy has to look at another woman in order to want to have sex with me, I would consider that an insult. I have been married 31 years and I have three daughters, and I consider pornography to be demeaning and insulting to women. I believe that more and more men are developing an addiction to pornography due to being inundated with it from everywhere. I also believe the sexualization of our children at earlier and earlier ages is a direct result of the massive volume of pornography available today to anyone and everyone. Somehow it has become cool to be a stripper or a prostitute and even the 10-year-old kids are dressing like them. Sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more.

Great article! This is a woman who knows more than most about what a man wants.

Nikki…3 and 6 don’t contratict one another.

Number 3 says not to utterly abandon caring for your appearance and health.

Number 6 says not to let one’s flaws inhibit you from achieving an attitude of sexual confidence.

And letting your husband know you’re uncomfortable because of your period is fine. Rambling on about ruined panties and making sure the bathroom door stays closed so the dogs aren’t tempted to tear it apart is another thing entirely. We’re talking about discretion regarding the actual unpleasantness of the bodily function itself. The fact that it’s natural doesn’t mean a man should care to bear witness to the graphic realities, just as you shouldn’t be forced to witness the masculine unpleasantness men are capable of.

This is great! My wife is beautiful, cares about how she looks, and takes great care of the kids and myself. To put it bluntly she is a Betty Crocker in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. She knows everyone of those ten items and keeps me perfectly happy at home. Therefore she does not have a thing to worry about when it comes to me cheating on her. News flash for the ladies that do not agree with those ten items, if your not scratching your dog someone else is.

The only thing I have to strenuously disagree with is the porn thing. I’ve now known at least a half-dozen women whose husbands used porn as a gateway for internet chat, and eventually cheating, marriages destroyed. For my married friend who turned up with Chlamydia while she was pregnant, from her “monogamous” husband… or the friend whose ex-boyfriend could not maintain an erection if the porn wasn’t on or he wasn’t self-stimulating… porn is not an innocent thing. It messes up mens’ minds, gives them unrealistic expectations about REAL sex, and makes them unable to be pleased by the same woman for a long time.

Studies show that men who see porn before they reach maturity end up having sucky sex lives later, because they can’t maintain an erection without the visual stimulation, never learn how to have a give-and-take relationship with a real, live woman, and are extremely selfish in bed.

I thank God my hubby thinks porn is wrong and has never watched it… and we have an awesome bedroom life, even after nearly 10 years! It’s still getting better all the time.

I will agree with some that the article generilized in some fashion. However as a general male, I have to agree that most of what was written is true.

I like the ocassional porn, but an addiction? Perhaps for some… not for all!! If we banned and got rid of everything that could be addictive, then the US would be a country of robots! Here is a short list of things that are addictive: TV, video games, exercise, food, soda, driving… almost everything we do even work can be addictive for some. That doesn’t mean it is wrong or that no one should do it. We are the rulers of our own bodies. If someone wants to pose naked so some stranger can look at thier body so be it. We are not on this earth to judge, we are here to live and enjoy life as each individual sees it for themselves!!

Nipple play is good sometimes, not always. I really need to be ON for it!

Someone mentioned that 3 and 6 where contradictory. I don’t think so… 3 says to own your body meaning use your mates desires for you by accentuating your features a bit. My wife likes my chest and but, I will occasionaly wear tight jeans and a shirt that shows off my chest and shoulders. #6 talks about taking care of the finer points of your body. Maybe add a little perfume or makeup or such to give that extra umpf… along with stay fit enough as not to be a log in the bed! Stamina is an important part of love making and in order to have stamina you need to do a little extra physical work, like excersise in order to stay tip top!

I hope I got my points across!!

Oh… one last thing! pornography only objectifies women who think they are objects!! Our society needs to move away from the puriten point of view we seem to have been stuck in for the last 200+ years!! There are plenty of materiels… photos, movies, books etc. that men could say objectifies them. I personally say to those men if any would say it… grow up and be a man! Because my first statement rings true for both sides.

How can a woman feel sexy when her man is looking at pornography?

Half her advice is urging a woman to be comfortable with her man’s porn habit, to not speak up against women who dress like pornstars, and yet perform like a pornstar in bed by talking dirty, making loud noises and playing “head games below the belt.”

Dr. Fulbright even advises women to not even bring up that she needs to deal with hygiene problems like anyone else because it would disturb a man’s fantasy that she’s some sort of “goddess.”

How can a woman feel confident in herself if she can’t even be human? How can she “own her body” when at the same time she should reject her humanity?

Dr. Fulbright’s advice is very self-defeating.

Paul I think it illustrated it beautifully. when men use it to the point of making it more hardcore and then having affairs or cheating it is a problem i wouldn’t expect a man to get it so go watch your porn I am sure it has enhanced your relationships so much!
Besides if that is what started Ted bundy to objectify women and treat them like objects and things then it is a good point sorry if it hit too close to home for you.

Maybe Brad should be writing this article, he sure has a lot to say. As far as the pornography thing goes, I really don’t see that it’s a problem, unless you make it a problem. My husband and I watch it every now and then (gives us new ideas!) And while the women in porn are more attractive than I think I am, I have no problem w/my hubby watching it. He’s not going to turn around and have sex with them, or someone else for that matter. As long as someone’s secure in their relationship and sex life, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Paul I also think comparing porn to ‘images of sexuality’ inflammatory and very sad. Wait I know next you and your ilk will call it art or instructional tips, sadder.
I like men who don’t have to watch porn to be turned on to their partner, real men!
Am I naive enough to think men I date don’t watch it? No but they also have enough respect to keep it to them selves and not use it as an excuse to make our intimacy ‘better’.

You can ABSOLUTELY hang up #s 4, 5, and 8!! I’ll even go further to say that attitudes like that are part of what’s wrong with our society as a whole.

Not a bad compulation of tidbits. I’m going to have my wife read this and I’m going to find the one about men. Because, if you don’t keep improving, you’re failing.

These 10 tips are all correct. For pornography, couples must find their balance, men making sure to give their women what they need too. Hey, take away the pictures and we still have images of women at work, on the streets, etc. etc. etc. Men are quite capable of “multi-tasking” between a woman’s physical and other qualities. Most of the bites against pornography are stereotyped and unfounded scientifically. The bites are for male bashers to feel good and angry.

I also need to add this. If Dad is going to witness childbirth, then this could be a psychological shocker. It was difficult to see the vagina “as aor sex” instead of “as for birthing” for me. We overcame it with a little nudging from my wife.

I would like to send this to my wife, but I don’t dare if don’t also include your previous column on the
10 mistakes Men make in bed.

Lately my husband’s been complaining that I am boring in bed and we haven’t had sex for 3 weeks. Please Help!

What a bunch of crap!! So women are supposed to be wrapped in saran wrap with a rose between our teeth after a long day of being mommy??? Give me a break. A REAL man understands mommy mode, and doesn’t expet Glamour Girl 24/7. According to Ms. Sexpert, you’re not allowed to just be yourself, you have to be ready to roll in the hay at any moment, look perfect, and ooze confidence. Don’t be human! Give me a break. Let me tell you– I’ve been married over ten years, and I have a husband who accepts me for ME, including my fatigue at the end of the day, my days of simply NOT feeling like a porn star, and understands what it’s like to have had a rough day of being a mom. He is my best friend, he loves me for me, ALL the time (not just when I’m tied up in the bedroom dressed like a hooker), and yes, we still have an absolutely wonderful sex life.

I totally disagree with #4. I shouldn’t have to condone his looking at pornography, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for being threatened by it either. I do think it’s a form of infidelity, and (less importantly) I worry that he’ll compare me to the tramps on the page or on the screen. He should respect me and our marriage and refrain.

The article starts off with:
You wanted it. So I’m giving it to you. When “The Top 10 Mistakes Men Make” ran a couple of weeks ago, readers were like: “Fair enough. But what about the mistakes women make?”

Why is it that I can’t find the Men’s Mistakes anywhere? I’ve used fox’s search engine and nada. I’ve looked at the ” LATEST SEXPERT COLUMNS” and the ” MORE FROM THE SEXPERT” and nada.

I’d love to share this list with my spouse so we can discuss both lists!!!

Like most everything that comes out this column, it’s insane. Pornography?! Talking dirty?! Next, you will be suggesting that infidelity will improve your marriage. (Yes, I have seen that claim.) This column is generally about as low as it can get but I think you advising people on how to conduct their marriage should be considered criminal at best. Our morals and sense of decency are fading rapidly in this country precisely because of the growth of this sort of drivel. What the hell kind of marriage would it be based on pornography and trash talk? I’m at loss for words on how stupid this is.

I agree with all but point #4. Studies on pornography have overwhelmingly shown that it has very damaging effects on relationships and marriages. If your going to give advice, you should make sure you have done your homework. Pornography has no place in a marriage relationship and should most definately be challeneged and discussed in a loving understanding manner.

My wife is a picture of each and every single one of these mistakes.

1 – She NEVER acts sexy, and thinks it is improper to do so. She wears the most totally covering outfits to bed at night. Several layers of it.

2 – She ALWAYS just lays there. She will not ever do anything BUT missionary.

3 – My wife reached 270 lbs last year. She knows that I do not respect people who gain a lot of weight when they do not have any sort of medical condition (she does not). I have stayed fit and trim my entire life. I am very muscular and have a 33 inch waist. I considered it my duty to stay this way.

4 – My wife is TOTALLY against my even seeing women in a bikini, much less nude. The problem is, I do not even get to look at HER. I do not see how she can justify not showing herself to me, while at the same time getting angry when I look at someone else.

5 – My wife will only use the clinical terms for parts of our body. Period. Anytime I use other words, she is offended.

6 – My wife would NEVER walk around naked, and even bathes in the dark. She ALWAYS wants relations in the dark, as dark as it can get. I have tried to talk to her about it, to no avail. She is uncomfortable with my looking at her nudity in any thing other than a neutral way.

7 – My wife will never miss an opportunity to put down the way other women dress, when she feels that it is too immodest.

8 – I have frequently thought of outside affairs. Who wouldn’t, given what I have just described?

9 – My nipples ARE very sensitive and I like it when they are touched. Just because yours are not does not mean all men are that way. We just do not talk about it with our male friends. I would never mention to my best friend that my nipples are that way. How would he know?

10 – My wife does not even like french kissing and will not allow her mouth anywhere near my genitals, so excessive use of teeth is just non applicable here. I wish I had that problem.

We have kids. I can’t just leave them and her behind. I am their sole support. Sexually, I am at the end of my rope. I no longer even think of my wife in sexual terms. If and when I look at other women, it is because I am still a MAN, and was born that way.

Ya know, I’d propose a different list of mistakes women (and a lot of men in some instances) make in bed.

1. Sharing it with someone besides your husband or wife, whichever is appropriate.

2. Introducing e coli and his friends to your relationship.

3. Exchanging the tenderness of marital love for pornography.

4. Forgetting that we have nerve endings all over our bodies that respond nicely to various touches.

5. Forgetting that one’s spouse has needs, even if you aren’t quite “in the mood.”

6. Introducing brutality and domination into the bedroom.

7. Relying on mind altering substances or entertainment to get “in the mood.”

8. Forgetting that marital sex is supposed to be fruitful–as in being open at least at times to having children.

9. Following the advice of a seller of sex toys who has apparently never married, instead of the neighbor who has lived the sweetness of married life for longer than the first person has been alive.

Porn is good for the relationship.

When a man looks at pornography, then he thinks about those images instead of his wife. When he is making love to his wife, he does not see her, he sees the perfect, plastic blondes. This is coming from a man, not a woman that has no clue how pornography affects a man.

Point #1: Humans were not meant to only have sex with one person. It is human nature to have sex with multiple partners. Marriage/Relationships DO NOT stop this human trait

Point #2: This article reinterates the FACT that men want Stepford Wives…even though they refuse to admit it…

Some good ideas but I have to take exception with the promotion of pornography as a good thing.

Much of what can be said about the merits or harm of pornography is debatable but these two points are absolutely true. If a man is satisfying himself alone in front of a computer he will have less desire for the living, breathing person he is married to. Also, when he is conditioned with repeated viewings that women are supposed to look like Pamela Anderson, he will be less aroused by his real, non-surgically-enhanced partner.

So guys, abstain from digital love. It will absolutely improve your love life with your partner.

And girls, don’t accept his excuses that he “needs” it. What he needs is to grow up and be a real man.

Pornography is not good. It places unfair expectations on both partners. It is addictive for men being the visually stmiluated creatures we are. My question is: ladies, who would want your man to be fantaziing about while in the midst of passion? I hope you are answering yourself.

Look it, the place we can have complete freedom in the bedroom is in a covenant marriage relationship with the man or woman who has said, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you!”

Doc, you really need to find a man who really loves you. You are not helping society by embracing Kinsey’s garbage he published out there. Remember, his expertise was in gall wasps not the complex gift given to us by a creator God for a man and women in marriage.

The talk thing is just a small part of the overall communication breakdown between some couples. You are probably giving you best friend the complete rundown of last nights fling, but we are kept in the dark. I like a few good tips during the blessed event…That feels nice, touch me here, do you like that, too..and on and on. I the talk gets dirty, it needs to be in the moment and sincere. If it sounds like she is reading off the teleprompter or it seems forced…forget it. A couple also needs to spend time during the anticipation phase (on the phone, getting groceries, on the way home, washing dishes…) talking about what they like, what the want to do..have fun with it, but keep it to yourselves. Nothing ruins good adult bedroom secrets worse then knowing she told her sister that you like a little butt play or he is at work yakking about her dirty talk in the bedroom, or that hr left nipple is bigger..That always gets back to the other party at the worst time, and in the worst way. We all need our own sexual secrets to be cherished together, not shouted out to your drunken bar pals or the neighbor. That is when the communication breaks down and it is usually downhill from there. If you like the way it feels, tell her/him. If not satisfied, be cool, let them know and play around to find the solution…that gets fun, too

Thanks

My husband lives a porn fantasy and wants to me he as sexy as those women are. I can’t…I have a child…my body is not the same anymore. Lately he’s been telling me that I am boring in bed and we have not had sex for 3 weeks. PLEASE HELP!

Tammy… I don’t believe we are using the same definition of inflammatory. ”Images of sexuality” simply means any sexually oriented visual representation. This would include the entire gamut from depictions of ancient religious rites to the most explicit modern video production. It appears that you make no distinction as to the specific nature of the material. The point is that it is entirely natural to seek out at least some of this material because it is natural for us to want to engage in sex. Some people go too far and it causes marital problems and yes, it can contribute to anti-social behavior like Bundy’s. There are hundreds of things in the world that are a benefit when used responsibly, and a detriment when abused. You paint the picture as if ALL men who view ANY type of pornography MUST continue its use to be aroused for their mate.

I’m glad to hear that you are not naïve enough to think the men you date don’t watch it, but I’m sad that your obvious distaste for adult entertainment still allows you to turn a blind eye to its use in your relationships. If one is against its use, it shouldn’t be negotiable just because it’s out of sight.

I don’t like these types of articles on a news website although I have benefitted from them and have provided comments. Nevertheless, I think I’d rather this stuff be somewhere more difficult to find than a national new page as I consider it for adults, too easy for the average child to find.

Nevertheless, I am writing to suggest strongly that it is very dangerous to suggest that is is “okay” for men to view porography. There are too many testimonies to the opposite that it has harmed many a marriage and I find it sad a woman would be asked to “accept” that her husband engages in such activity.

Rob

For the record, this is a different Paul

“Comment by Paul
May 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
When a man looks at pornography, then he thinks about those images instead of his wife. When he is making love to his wife, he does not see her, he sees the perfect, plastic blondes. This is coming from a man, not a woman that has no clue how pornography affects a man.”

What!!! Theres women out there that dont like porn. How about this idea…. wivies…go out and buy some porn. Then watch it with your hubby. This works great for my fiance and I. It wouldnt bother me one bit if I came home and he was watching porn. Although he doent watch it w/out me so i dont even have to worry about that. I look at it this way…he cant get tired of looking at me if he can look at other women (that he has no chance of meeting). I know hes all mine and we trust one another so maybe thats why it works for us.

I must say this is definately a sign of the times. pornogaraphy is OK? Since when should this be something tolerated in a REAL marriage or realationship. Being FAITHFUL goes beyond the physical act people. He who looks at a woman in lust has already commited adultry in his heart. Many will scoff at that line. Those who scoff I bet are those who think they aren’t doing anything wrong by looking at pictures on the web or in a book and think they are a “Good” person. Sex is not a leisure thing and should be held sacred. Everytime an extra marital affair or sex outside of marriage happens you lose a piece of yourself. You won’t see it for some years in your life but eventually, you will figure it out.

This entire article needs to be on a site other than Fox NEWS?

This article was a joke. I say that if you want to know what mistakes you are making in bed, you should talk to the person you’re sharing the bed with (that person should be someone that you have forged an honest, open and loving relationship with), and if there is some kind of disconnect or “problem” in the sack, you can resolve it together, and not by resorting to taking the kind of lame advice dished out in this article. I’m married, with two kids, and I don’t base the quality of my sex life on other people’s opinions or experiences. Our world IS in a pretty sorry state, for people to be taking an article like this seriously.

AJ…”. A REAL man understands mommy mode”?? Are you for real? “Mommy mode” is a mode build by woman who lack a sense of self to feel like part of a greater group. A real man can take care of himself and doesn’t need someone to mother him and a “real” woman can raise her child without going into a “mode”. What’s wrong with not changing at all, being as you were and simply caring for your child?

i disagree with the porn part. The writer might want to take a look at the new analysis on viewing pornography and how it has the same effect on the brain as drugs do. People can become addicted to pornography and act out typically what they see. With a 13billion dollar child pornography industry, I don’t think it’s something to be taken lightly. No not everyone who views porn will become addicted, but there is a risk. Not to mention that men are visual anyway and if they are becoming aroused by a picture that is different from reality, it just make sense that they will have a harder time becoming aroused by reality. And finally, it is totally degrading to women.

Here is the deal; if you like porn fine, if you are a nipple person great. If talkin dirty works for you go for it; but you BOTH need to agree on all these things and not just sit back and get mad or go have an affair because BOTH partners have to make an effort to make their relationship successful and sex is a part of the relationship. Find the common ground and make each other happy; sex will improve, I promise.

As to the mom just “deciding” to be a sexy mom, get real; what makes a mom able to make that transition from mom to lover is their partner’s participation in the REST OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY. And to the guy that is complaining about his wifes conservativeness; was she like this before you got married? If so, you got what you bought honey; if not well fix it or move on.
The reality is this; women process differently from men (duh) documented average time for a man to get aroused 5 minutes; women 20 minutes. do we need to say more…

Assuming the moderator doesn’t censor this negative commentary, I think that this entire article, section, and line of thinking STINKS. Dump this garbage where it belongs- on the liberal networks. We conservatives don’t want it here.

Some of you people need to seriously lighten up. A couple of points that I have read here; first that there is no room for this content on Fox news. I liken that to the notion that conservative values require one not to discuss sex. I am conservative, and for me, a healthy adult conversation about sex does not preclude me from my political/moral beliefs. I went to an all boys christian school, and guess what, there was sex ed taught there! It seems the objections from some of you stem from unresolved or repressed sexual anxiety.

Second the idea that pornography is a destructive force in society is seriously misguided. As someone else has pointed out, pornography has existed as long as someone was able to draw a stick figure on a cave wall. What works for some marriages doesn’t work for others, but to label the entire concept of porn as detrimental to a healthy marriage is misguided. Some of you quote “studies” that state this as gospel truth. First, post a link citing this, second I would venture to say there are other studies that contradict that idea.

My point is that different things work for different people, and to judge everyone based on one moral code is equivalent to Taliban rule. Don’t read these articles if you don’t like the content. Don’t watch porn if it bothers you. Finally don’t get married to someone who enjoys porn if you don’t.

Wow, where do I even start?

How about with the obvious double standard. A guy can fart, belch, grow a beer gut, and us women have to swoon to him in high heels while acting as if he is a god while pretending to be Marilyn Monroe? So, my husband gets to work all day, come home tired, sweaty and smelly, and I have to be the airbrushed vivacious vixen, even after having been spit up on, baby food in my hair and running around after 4 kids all day? Does my husband shower before coming home and spray on the cologne? If my husband can fart in front of me, why in the world would I be uncomfortable and hold in my gas so as not to upset his delicate sense of smell? If my husband can take a load in the toilet, forget to turn on the fan, and brag about how large it was, why can’t I share when I clog the toilet?

You can’t have it both ways. Either men clean it up, shave it up, suck it in, swoon over us….or we get to be “real” people too.

In the real world…My husband and I have a great relationship…kids, humor, sex and all. We give each other “grace” to be human, and clean it up for the bedroom and when life allows.

By the way, we don’t need to bring in some airbrushed blond bimbo to do so. Porn just gives guys an unrealistic idea of what a girl is supposed to look like and behave like, which is not anywhere close to being based in reality. If a guy wants a porn star, he should marry one and avoid having kids. But then he would be missing out on real life with a real family and a REAL woman!

One more point. How is porn degrading to women? There are men in porn as well, how is it not unequivalently degrading to them?

I think the article is great. Some people are different. Some women enjoy watching porn with their guy! Its naked girls. you have exactly what they have and you do what they do. Unless you dont have sex. I think its a great article!

She needs to write this for men too. Its not really sexually arousing to make love to your husband when he has a 15 pound fat tire around his waist. Guys tend to get hairy-er as they age as well , so men, try staying trim and slim and getting a wax once a month—maybe you’ll get laid more.

Wow…I didn’t know I had to be trim to be considered feminine…forgive me…now let me go scratch my crotch.

Ken, porn degrades anyone appearing in the film because it diminishes them from thinking, feeling, multi-dimensional beings to sex machines. And often the sex portrayed bears no semblance to the way real men and women want and need to be treated so it can change a persons expectations to be unrealistic and even damaging.

Probably the reason porn is considered more degrading to women than men is because men, being by far the main consumers, are more affected by it in terms of their attitudes towards women.

I think the larger point is not how porn degrades women. It’s how it REPLACES women. Men who incorporate porn into their lifestyle can effectively replace their real relationship with a fantasy one. This can put their marriage into the doldrums for years or indefinitely.

Porn cannot advance a relationship. It can only send it backwards.

Paolo is my hero.

“Comment by Paolo
May 13th, 2008 at 12:30 pm How can a woman feel sexy when her man is looking at pornography?

Half her advice is urging a woman to be comfortable with her man’s porn habit, to not speak up against women who dress like pornstars, and yet perform like a pornstar in bed by talking dirty, making loud noises and playing “head games below the belt.”

Dr. Fulbright even advises women to not even bring up that she needs to deal with hygiene problems like anyone else because it would disturb a man’s fantasy that she’s some sort of “goddess.”

How can a woman feel confident in herself if she can’t even be human? How can she “own her body” when at the same time she should reject her humanity?

Dr. Fulbright’s advice is very self-defeating.”

I like how she contradicted herself

“Strive to stay slim, look your best, etc etc” and then a few paragraphs down “OWn your skin, love who you are” So I can’t be fat but I should love who I am? MAke up your mind. We’re all not skinny, 5′9 120 lbs models. And 95% of the men out there won’t end up with one either. Why not add in the article, “after sex, make sure you make him a sandwich. Providing food will keep him around longer” OR “Your pleasure only comes second to your man because your too busy making sure you love your body” I will have to read the 10 mistakes men make because I want to make sure she wrote something about maybe he could take his time a little longer before sex, or maybe if he tried to stay healthy he could last longer, or get out of that mentality of “If you want it you have to do it to me also”

Oh Yea Baby!!!!! Suck my nipples, bite them some too!!!! Men do like that, don’t listen to these other ‘men’.

As many have pointed out here, porn can be addictive and my first marriage was destroyed by it b/c of that addictive nature. It’s not just jealousy, it’s that his expectation rises. If it were not an addiction they would enjoy the same picture over and over. Face it they look for more and more in general. Research bears out many dangers in porn with marriage.

The thing she leaves out is how FABULOUS the sex relationship gets when you give UP porn!!! We don’t do it, either of us, and we save every craving for each other and it is a wonderful, exciting sex life for both of us. Try it before you knock it.

M

I love reading the comments on Yvonne’s articles. It’s fun to see all the prudes get in a tissy. This article was written for YOU!

One question for the men: Why would you want to do something that makes your wife feel bad? How is that going to improve your relationship and ultimately your sex life?

Most of the women who commented here have a problem with their mates using pornography (which I’m sure reflects the majority of women who are married), so as that mate, why would you deliberately do something that is destructive to your relationship? In a word: selfishness.

I care about what my husband thinks. It’s important to me and I want to please him. He shows me the same respect, cares about my feelings and wants to please me as well. After years of “enjoying” pornography together our marriage fell apart. It was a slow, destructive bleed. We both became Christians (pornography is not condoned by any part of the Christian faith), had therapy, and today enjoy a wonderful (and much more exciting) sex life. I thank God I can see through superficial lies like the ones in the article above.

Response to Brad about the nipples and being milked…

No one should just latch on like a nursing infant…I as a woman don’t want my man to do that either…I want to be teased…licked…touched…gently sucked…and the same should hold true if it is being done to a man.

Bike bubba has it nailed.

the author – despite all her education – is clueless. she is not married, does not have kids, does not have a clue about real life.

it’s a sad commentary about the society we live in when people like her pass for ‘experts’. a college degree does not an expert make. real life makes an expert.

when she’s been married for 15 years and raised four kids – and STILL maintains a healthy and exciting sex life, THEN she could talk. until then, her comments ring hollow.

Lisa and Allied… There is no need to be so defensive. If you had read the entire article from the beginning, you would see that this is actually a follow up to a similar list tagging men for some of the very things you’ve listed. Hopefully your husbands/spouses are good men, but all of their bodily indiscretions you list seem to bother you, so why not deal with this issue directly with your spouse? Two wrongs don’t make a right. Just because they act this way doesn’t mean you should follow him down that path in spite. They can’t be expected to change (if that is what you truly want) if you succumb to the same behavior.

Bill…and others who suggest this article doesn’t belong here…you clicked on a link that said, “10 Sex Mistakes Women Make”. What did you think you’d be reading?

Frankly there are too few articles from this perspective out there. Women in general have a plethora of media to point out the issues that men have, from Oprah to any number of magazines at the checkout stand. The few that are out there from the man’s perspective end up in FHM, Maxim and Men’s Fitness and tend to be of the “strategy to conquer” variety.

I think Ken mentioned this…It’s interesting that, for the most part, the people who are deriding the items in this article so fervently are the ones it is intended to advise. Ms. Fulbright…you seem to have hit a nerve.

Hey Ken child rape ad incest have also been around since the beginning of time should we ignore it and accept as natural too??
You sir are seriously misguided, I have lived it first hand the destruction that porn cxan do t a life and a family

I agree with Tom who posted at 3:35. My sentiments exactly!

Pornography is destructive to any relationship and will surely quicken its end. Having a good sex life begins with fosterng a nurturing and loving environment. Pornography only gets in the way of that environment.

I have no problem with my man looking at porn. I enjoy it on occassion myself. The brain is just as important in the act of sex as the genitals…infact I find it sometimes more important. I find imagery a turn on. Talk to me, make me imagine it and I can be turned on in an instant.

Richard,

The people who perform in porn movies are generally paid consenting adults, and willingly participate, therefore I fully disagree with the objectivity aspect of your argument. One cannot complain of being objectified if they present themselves as an object. Pornographers provide fantasy for the paying individual, plain and simple.

Secondly, to assign blame to porn as the reason of setting a relationship backwards is too easy. If you allow a dvd to replace your wife, you never had a good marriage. It’s a weak mind that can not draw the line between fantasy and the love one’s wife provides. To think that “if there was no porn”, someone’s marriage would be better is naive at best. That’s like saying if there were no other pretty women in the world, I wouldn’t be tempted to look at them on the street and my marriage would be better.

I think it’s pretty disappointing that Fox has sunk to the level of needing a sexpert. If I wanted junk like this I would just read Playgirl. Fox is really losing it’s credibility as a news source for me.

Porn turns women into objects, just things. I’m saddened that excuses were made to make it acceptable.

Most of the article is ok. I’m not into giving instructions or having conversation in bed…it’s distracting. Porn seems to be a hot-button with most. I don’t really care about porn, but if my man wants to look at it then keep it out of my face. I don’t want magazines sitting in the bathroom, etc. Personally, I find it a turn-off. It just gives me the impression that the guy is pathetically low-brow and needs to find a better outlet or use of his time. Haven’t encountered many men that want their nipples messed with…I would suggest the ladies test the waters before laying on a purple-nurple!

So some of you women hate porn. Your right. Porn is the downfall of society. Before porn men never cheated on their wives, went to brothels, committed rape…..etc.

I have seen to many men lose their sex drive because some women in this society think that once they have kids they never need to have sex again. ” I am a mother, I couldn’t possibly have sex.” Men feel like they have been swindled and they have. Some will use the excuse of motherhood, others religion, others feminist era objectification, but it is all the same. Another tool to control a husband. A husband who has lost something that made his life worth living. A wife who loved him and wanted him.

Why do men leave women. Look in the mirror girls.

(not that it is always the case. Some guys are just asses)

Mick, read your comments; the first thing to try is not to rail on your wife for being frigid, but to take a look at why she’s finding her comfort in food instead of in you. The pastor who did the wedding for my wife and I noted that almost every time you see a wife distant from her husband, it’s the husband who is to blame.

Try a compliment. Try a caress. Don’t try the guilt trip.

Paolo…and Paolo’s fan KJ
1. Item 4 specifically starts with the phrase, “Unless you’ve been replaced by…” These recommendations are meant to enhance a relationship. If a couple is genuinely of differing values about the validity of pornography in principal, then there is a different issue to be worked out. The recommendation was, in my opinion, intended for a relationship where the woman in the relationship may be open to the idea, but threatened by it.

2. Item 7 actually lists “looks like a prostitute” as it’s example but pornography seems to be the hot button topic here. This does not give him license to ogle every hard body that passes his way as that would be denigrating to his wife. But you’ve missed the point of the recommendation. Denigrating any woman he finds attractive only illustrates one’s own insecurities. When my wife makes mention of an attractive man I take it as a sign that, sexually, she is still alive, and I am comfortable with it because every night she is at home with me.

3. Why should talking dirty, (loud noises are not mentioned) be equated with porn actresses?

4. “Head games below the belt” are most certainly not relegated to the world of pornography. If this is something with which you are uncomfortable, then don’t engage in it. If the reciprocal favor is something you also are not comfortable with, don’t engage in that either. Both are activities which have taken place virtually from the beginning of time.

5. The article didn’t suggest that the “goddess” fantasy was intended to be the overriding rule. It merely suggested that being too free with one’s natural, yet unpleasant bodily issues can interfere with the perception of femininity. A great deal of sex takes place in the brain and too much sharing in the bodily function department can help to derail relations for both men and women.

Ken, the consent and willingness of the actors in porn movies doesn’t change the fact that they are degrading themselves. They are just too desensitized to be aware of it. Would you want your sister, wife or mother to be a porn “actress”?

I agree with you that porn is not an instant relationship killer and it takes more than the absence of porn to make a healthy relationship. Judging just from the comments here it appears there are actually some people who think it’s helpful. But experimenting with drugs can also be pleasurable… for a while.

From these same comments you can also find many more people whose lives and marriages were seriously harmed with what started out to be a “harmless” habit.

thank you richard

Newsflash: Men and Women are NOT the same. Men are from Mars….women are from Venus ? Men are visual, women are emotional. Men have a basic urge to spread their seed. Women tend to nest and want stability and security. We are wired differently, plain and simple. We think differently. Men view porn as fantasy. Women view it as the vile objectification of their kind. The term “porn” can and has been used to describe anything from the human body in it’s most natural form, to fairly depraved sexual acts, and everyone is going to have their own individual threshold and defintion. I think most of the women trying villify the porn aspect of this column need to ask themselves why their men were looking at porn in the first place ? Was it actually the cause of a perfectly healthy relationship to fail, or merely a symptom of an underlying problem ?

Ok, I usually don’t leave comments, I read them; however, I am boiling over about porn as an acceptable form of foreplay. Yes, I am female, but hear me out before you dismiss my comments. I have been VERY happily married for 30 years, have 6 children and if you asked my husband if he has had a lifetime of sexual satisfaction, he would give a resounding YES! Sex is an extremely important part of a marital relationship and men and women experience it in different capacities.
I am thinking that we are confusing love and sex along with marriage and relationships. Pornography in a relationship is not the same as in a marriage. When a person marries, there are vows taken – one of which is to love, honor, and cherish. How can pornography illuminate these ideals?
Now, Brad, I am assuming you are not married. For you, pornography is not a big deal – just you being human. For a married man, such as my husband, pornography is the same as adultery in his mind. He cannot love, honor and cherish his wife with those images emblazoned on his mind. It is more important in a marriage that there be communication in all aspects – especially sexually – and each be loved for their individual traits than how they can be more like someone in a fantasy.
I have 2 grown sons, all of whom have viewed pornography before marriage. Their advice to the remaining 3 – refrain, it’s not worth the misery it causes once you are married to the girl of your dreams.

Bike bubba. No disrespect intended to you or your pastor, but that is an incredibly simplistic and one sided piece of advice. Marital difficulties are rarely that black and white.

Mick…though I disagree with source of bike bubba’s advice, it does seem that your list must have something else at the root other than 100% of the fault being with your wife. She obviously has some serious self esteem issues which you could be directly or indirectly perpetuating. Occasionally women and men alike subconsciously allow their bodies and health to severely decline due to some kind of emotional issue. It could be illness related…there are a lot of things that could be the cause, but I do agree with bike bubba that railing on her frigidity won’t help. A simple compliment and caress may not accomplish much either but they certainly can’t hurt. Whether talking with either you, or a therapist, I suspect once she is able to break through the “crust” of distancing she has placed between you, the sexual issues can be addressed more directly. It still will likely be a long road, but it’s worth pursuing.

tom wish it were that simple to blame the woman in the relationship unfortunatley many men start porn at a young age before their first kiss let alone relationship so nice try on blaming the woman I would say the mans selfishness for his own pleasure is what has ruined many a relationship

I disagree 100% on the porn issue. This article is very irresponsible to encourage men to look at porn, and encourage women to approve of their men looking at porn. Why would I want to share my marriage bed with some strange naked lady? Why can’t I be enough for my husband and he be enough for me? Why do we have to invite other people into our sex life? The answer is, when you’re healthy, you don’t.

IT’S KIND OF HARD TO “OWN YOUR BODY” AND FEEL SEXY IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LOOKING AT PICTURES OF SOMEONE WHO LOOKS BETTER THAN YOU EVER DID OR EVER WILL, GETTING ALL HOT AND BOTHERED OVER THEM, AND THEN TRYING TO JUMP IN THE SACK WITH YOU. AFTER BEING MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO CONSTANTLY TOLD ME I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE I WAS NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, AND MY BODY WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT STUFF IN MY HOUSE. I KNOW WOMEN THAT IT DOES NOT BOTHER, AND THAT’S GREAT FOR THEM. HOWEVER, I FEEL THAT IF HE WANTED SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT AND NOT RUB IT IN MY FACE THAT I DON’T MEET HIS STANDARDS. KIND OF TAKES AWAY THE SELF-CONFIDENCE AND “OWNING OF YOUR BODY”.

Tom, you hit the nail on the head. There are biological differences between men and women and how they relate to sexuality. Pornography is threatening to women, when in fact it is just another outlet for the male sexuality. It has nothing to do with how a man views his partner: it;’s merely “something different and new”, whcih is what men are genetically programmed to seek. Better porn than an affair. Smart women learn to share it with their partner, and enjoy the sexual sparks that result.

Of course, there are many women that are not interested in pleasing their male partner, so it’s easier to attack porn.

I agree about the nipples; I’d rather you leave them alone. But Yvonne is right on with the rest. When women stop making any attempt at being the man’s sex object, the man loses interest. Just human nature.

As I young wife and mother, I am not shocked by the article because the advice in it is very modern and common. However, I would like to point out divorce is very common as well. Having sex should NOT merely be driven by sexual lusts but out of care and love for the person. It is disrespectful for your mate to look at any woman (including you) as an object and the same goes for women looking at men. Someone commented that everyone thinks of others while having intercourse with their mate. I am sorry but I do not and I would not want to. My husband and I both have put on some weight since our marriage and our looks may not be as great but the sex is way better then when we first were together (more frequently too). If anyone wants to have better sex, they should work on loving their mate and respecting them. So, husbands it WILL hurt your marriage if you brush aside your wife’s feelings and the marriage vows you gave and do not “forsake all others” by looking at other women. We do not need outside sexual stimulation to get aroused. Do you think the couples in their 70’s that are still having sex are looking at porn or do you think they have found some other secret? LOVE EACH OTHER and DON’T DEGRADE EACH OTHER! Pornography is just as degrading to the people who look at it as it is to those who make it. You are cheating yourself of the joy relationships can bring when you try to only enjoy the physical alone. Sex is much more satisfying when it is combined with commitment and a meaningful relationship. To throw away your meaningful relationship for better sex is stupid. You will not get better sex and your relationship will be less meaningful and filled with mistrust. As a side note, my husband is DANM sexy when he is naked taking a crap (even sexier than some random guy on the cover of some mag who has a 6 pack).

The comment by Jeanne is spot on!! Pornography is soooooooo addicting and CAN take the place of your spouse. Its amazing how blindness to red flags sets in when your addiction takes over you. All other points in the article I agree with . I am a married christian man and my wife does her best to do all of those things for me.

Porn, is the antithesis of all she is trying to do to get you to want her sexually. Period.

Jeanne… Love and sex along with marriage and relationships are not disparate things, they are all intimately connected (no pun intended). As I understand your post, the implication is that once vows are exchanged, intimacy can never be purely about sex. It is unreasonable to think that in a lifetime with a single partner (as it indeed should be) that there will never be times when a couple wants nothing more than physical gratification. So when you ask, “How can pornography illuminate these ideals?” the answer is it isn’t intended to. It is only intended to titillate the mind and consequently the body. Taking vows does not magically negate the need for the baser need of sex and sex alone.

You are absolutely right that communication is extremely important, especially sexually, but you misunderstand the role that the judicious use of adult material can play. For the reasonable couple, the idea is only to set a mood and spur the imagination, not to have one’s spouse embody the images. If that were the case, men would have enormous reservations about sharing the practice of viewing pornography.

Many of the women’s hang ups and nhibitions originate from our childhood experiences and lessons or lack of open communications while growing up. I was taught sex was dirty it was never discuseed in my home. Only men enjoyed it- it was our duty as a wife to keep them happy. God forbid we enjoyed it! With this said, I need help finding solutions to many of my mistakes. Let’s begin with #5 which is my worst fear…..Were can I go to learn dirty talk? Will you write an article about this? If so, please let us know so when.

Funny that Tom and Nathan are upset enough to involve themselves in this debate but call it a “tissy” when someone with another opinion writes…

I agree with you, Jeanne! You got it exactly right! I told my husband to read the article, and then the comments, and he said the same thing as you. And he lives it, too. Why look at naked women in magazines when you have a live one right in front of you? I can’t believe they put that advice on this website…

“Unless you’ve been replaced by his passion for pornography, don’t give him a guilt trip for it”. (Ladies, if he’s really into porn, there is no room for you- he’s trying to get rid of you so he can get a few hours alone with it) “The occasional potty mouth can be a passion-inducer. So don’t be shy!” (So he can be horrified and respond in a way completely opposite than what you were seeking and make you feel more pathetic, by rejecting your attempts if he’s NOT totally into porn- or at least, porn that you are anywhere near). The fact of the matter is, whether gender is male or female, over time in a domestic partnership, things get demystified and it’s hard to put someone’s feelings before your own, which is I guess what’s being presented in this article as what should be done. And that’s true- but it should be required of men and women equally, not just WOMEN per se (or men and men, women and women, just equally on the part of both people, whatever you’re into)! The right thing to do with your partner is the hardest thing to do, and that’s why people don’t usually make the effort, because if your partner is not doing their part in the deal, you feel like, “why the hell should I do mine, when my part is the WHOLE THING?” I had to laugh about the not divulging bodily function and day to day grooming thing when clearly, both are necessary and/or unavoidable unless you live in separate wings. Dudes aren’t stressing about farting or gaining weight in your line of vision, trust me. If only people could appreciate what they have and be motivated by loyalty to the person who’s helping them make their way in life, would these articles really be necessary? Or don’t they just enhance dissatisfaction because you’re already doing everything- the media tells you you can always do more. And then, if you try to do what’s “necessary to keep the flame alive” completely by yourself, and the S.O.B. still doesn’t respond, doesn’t it just make you feel worse? Is it all just a complete waste of time, since people will never be happy with what is instead of how they think it should be? Can you legitimately keep it going because you choose to, or because you tried X, Y or Z, or is it just all entirely beyond our control, so why stress?

Your comment about porn to enhance sex is WRONG! As a man, the power of porn is very strong. Too strong. Very few women can compete with it because it is an illusion. Too many men have run to erotica to replace something that they want. And, when they get their fantasy fill, they find out is was just an illusion.
NEVER suggest porn as a tool to help! It can’t help, it is a addictive drug for the eyes and mind! Nothing good can come of it regardless of how acceptable it is to society! Porn is one of the main reasons why men lose the capacity to really love their wives as they should and it is so hard to break the addition!
Why would any woman want to invite someone in to compete with her for someone who took a vow of fidelity. Its just BAD ADVICE!

I think all the “sexperts” are leaving out something very important. Why would I feel like “pleasing my man” in the bedroom when just 20 minutes before, he was a total jerk? Or when he’s told me he needs sex at least every couple of days so he doesn’t get “backed up”? I feel like I’m just there to handle his personal hygiene needs. Treat me nice and you’ll get a lot better response.

I agree with everything but the pornography. I am 3 months post-divorce due to repeated adultery. My ex is in sexual addiction counseling and has confessed the porn he was hiding in the basement fueled his addiction. He could no longer look at me and my not-perfect body because he was used to see perfection in the magazines and on the internet. His addiction got out of control until having sex with me every night wasn’t satisfying so he had to go elsewhere. It destroyed our long and wonderful marriage. Porn only causes harm in a healthy marriage.

I love all the cry baby men clutching their porn to their chests and wailing… Seriously guys, are you that pathetic that you have to look at herpes in the flesh to “get ready”. I’m telling you, you don’t need porn for that. If you have a problem you should get prescription for some cialis or viagra. I agree women have to make efforts. I’m willing to play around with my husband, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think about other women while I’m keeping him busy because I am far too distracting.

There are studies that have shown that people who look at porn have expectations that cannot be met and this leads to sexual problems. [www.newscientist.com) Not to mention it numbs you to “normal” relations. Instead of gawking at the queens of chlamydia, maybe you should *gasp* tell you lady what you want. Oh wait, that would take some effort. Enjoy your mediocre lives… I’m so glad my husband isn’t like you.

My husband and I have been married nearly 30 years. 4 children. Still devoted, happy, and sexually attracted to each other. Yes, there were days I didn’t look so perfect when he got home from work. Who would with 4 kids, work, 6 loads of laundry a day, etc…. But after a 14 – 16 hour work day neither did he. But what did he see: a devoted mother to his children, willing to go the extra mile, even though she’s exhausted. What did I see: a devoted man, going further than the extra mile to make sure I had everything I needed and a lot of what I wanted, making sure our children did too. Umm…NO we don’t share porn, that is counter productive to a healthy lifestyle, married or not. We did take time for ourselves whenever possible, without the children. We were a couple before we were a family. And that’s how it should be. How did we find out what we like? By experimenting – we didn’t need dirty pics or trashy books or potty mouths – there are a lot of things you can do in an “all night date”. Some of the comments seem to think you have to be pushing only certain “buttons” to get turn-ons. NOT! Half the fun is getting there! Body-Worship if you need a term for it. When couples spend that kind of time together everything else is just details. When mutual love, respect, and 100% devotion is giving on both sides you climb to a plane of higher passion than can be described. Anything else is second-rate.

I think a previous poster hit it on the head that all sorts of people are going to like all sorts of different things(one reason why lists like this are so passionately debated), but the important thing is that BOTH partners communicate and agree on what those things are. The sexual facet of a relationship is just as important as ANY other. To think anything else I have to say is only fooling yourself.

As a male with no children who has been in a relationship over over 8 years… I can defiately vouch for the following on the list:

#2 being unresponsive- yes, contrary to popular belief, this is supposed ot be an interavtive activity that BOTH people participate in and enjoy. not sure if there is anything much worse than just laying there.

#5 talk dirty – wow, yes. dont’ be afraid to say what you want, don’t worry we won’t think less of you. let’s grow up and get passed the words we used in grade school. after 12 or 13..it’s not a pee pee anymore. why does this have to be equated with what goes on in porn??? open your mind a little bit and you might actually enjoy yourself. There are different levels, doesn’t have to be REAL graphic.

#9 nipples – absolutely the single greatest sexual discovery I have experienced in my life. Granted there will always be things people just aren’t in to….but I think most(if not all) men who knock this either

a. have never honestly tried it.
b. had someone do it wrong.

#10 teeth – NO. one more time for emphaSIS….NO. I’m sorry, I know of no man that I have come across in my 29 years on the planet who likes this. It’s just plain bad. Painful. This may be one thing that has no exceptions. I’m speaking specifically for oral sex here to be clear. Other wise little biting here and there IN OTHER PLACES is nice if I’m in the mood.

Also, BOTH parties to should an honest on going attempt to remian looking healthy and fit..at least as they did when you were first attracting to someone. I feel it’s something you owe both to yourself AND each other.

I’m glad I’m not married to her. Sounds more like she’s describing a woman in a haram or one of those 70 virgins in Muslim heaven than a relationship of mutual love, respect, and communion.

I can’t believe this is even published by FOX News. Are all you people in the 8th grade?? Oohh how exciting! Get a life. And FOX ……… stick to real news …………. pleeeeeeeease.

Dear Paul,

The good intentions of the author to enhance relationships fall flat with her approach to pornography. The fact that she encourages women to not feel threatened by it or by other women who dress like prostitutes misses the point of what makes a married sex life wonderful.

Your wife should be your fantasy. When a man truly forsakes all others, gives his heart and mind and body to his wife to show in his actions and words that he truly loves, honors and cherishes her – that is when she truly blossoms and becomes free. That is when she truly feels like she owns her body and is truly one with her feminine beauty.

The problem with so-called “experts” like Dr. Fulbright is the same problem as women who dress like prostitutes to gain attention from men. They enable men to think that it is ok to look at other women as sex objects. They make other women feel out of place by refusing to be treated as such and that to question these social norms is just people being “insecure” or even worse “prudish.”

A man who indulges in pornography makes himself impotent, incapable of showing his love what she means to him because he is diffusing his abilities on other women.

To make the excuse that pornography enhances a couple’s sex life just shows that the man lacks imagination that he needs other women to perform degrading sex acts for the public eye in order to feel excitement for the woman he is with.

If you want your wife to be a goddess, then it takes a real man to treat her like one – to see every aspect of her humanity with a loving gaze full of verility and joy meant for her and for her alone as his wife.

..also wanted to say that I am very thankful to be fortunate enough to have such an amazing woman in my life that is comfortable and confident both with me and her sexuality that she pleases me in all of these ways and then some! Wouldn’t have it any other way! If you aren’t compatible in this way( and have tried communicating your want and desires to no avail), don’t be afraid to move on to someone who is more in tune.

Forget the nipple thing! It is not a turn on in the least! In fact, it’s just the opposite. I’ve never even heard any of my friends mention that they like this.

totally disagree with the porn issue. it’s an addictive and destructive habit that can replace the desire for your spouse, not add to it.
totally enjoyed the rest. =) i did a few “yeah, i do that! =)” and i did a few “uh-oh, i need to quit that! or add that!” =) thanks for the candid help. too many women out there don’t enjoy their sex. and just like our kids can read us, so can our men. they want to please us as much as they want to please themselves.

i wonder if the author has tried her own suggestions, in a committed relationship!

from the sounds of it, i don’t think so.

to suggest that pornography is allright is to ignore common sense and a lot of research.

I agree that the porn part is not good. Lots of men who have committed crimes against women have admitted to porn usage. Example: Ted Bundy (serial killer) Men do not need porn to enhance sex with their wives.

I’ve rarely seen such a bunch of insidiously mysogynistic bullcrap in my life. How dare someone (a woman, moreover) WRITE something like this?!

How can something exist that’s so effortlessly patronising to both women AND men all at once? I’m disgusted. I especially enjoyed the bit about “remaining feminine”. Because of course there’s only one way to be feminine.

“Sure, you think she looks like a prostitute. But guess what? He does too — and is most likely loving it. ”

So dress in your sluttiest clothes, because THAT’S what men like. So what if you have a college degree? He doesn’t care. What he cares about is ass-crack. So what if you’re kind and loving? No-one cares, because you’re female and therefore an OBJECT FOR THE DELECTATION OF MEN. And don’t let on that you can spell delectation, either. Men like dumb girls.

Articles like this only encourage impressionable girls and women to define themselves IN RELATION TO MEN. And about staying slim “for your man”? What about staying HEALTHY, FOR YOURSELF? Apparently, yourself doesn’t matter unless there’s a man in the equation.

I am seriously disgusted.

Paul Pornography is VERY VERY DESTRUCTIVE. Take it from a guy who also enjoy porn. In the short term, it is pleasurable but in the long term it destroys relationship. I have vowed not to watch it again. I am single and i believe you’re single too.

To the expert, a degree does not mean you know what you’re talking about. The writer is female and probably doesn’t understand the effect of porn on a man.

I can understand Cathy’s post about pornography objectifying women, but porn won’t ever replace women in my book. I can see objectification but not replacement. Not being a woman I don’t know if a “toy” can replace a man, but I know from a mans perspective nothing replaces the real thing. If you single porn might be all you have. If you married porn may or may not enhance your marriage (remember very few women have the same sex drive as men it’s just the way God wired us). If you have been married for a while as I have and you have kids you know the woman’s sex drive usually drops off. I don’t know if this leads to more infidelity or if it stems from two people just not getting along anymore. I feel porn and or fantasy (mental images versus actual pictures) fills the void left by a man’s wife becoming the mother of his children. I could have Sex at least once a day and probably more if I were allowed, as it stands now I’m lucky to get it once a week, so porn fills that void. I’m afraid that without it I would physically cheat on my wife. If there were a way to get her sex drive more in tuned with me I probably wouldn’t want it, but I would never say it would replace my wife all together. Men like women still need that physical touch. If porn were the answer no man would get married.

Ladies I think most men would agree that attitude is sexier than looks. This doesn’t mean you can look like and oger put on a sexy attitude and the guys will fall all over you, but I will say attitude will go along way. Nothing turns me on more than a woman who has the attitude that she want sex and nothing turns me off quicker than a woman acting like it’s a chore. Wish my wife understood this, but it’s a battke we’ve been fighting since our fisrt sone was born. Bottom line really wanting turn on – acting like sex is a chore turn off. Remember Sex is an important part of marriage, if it wasn’t we’d just live with our sisters or our mothers.

This article is sooooo stupid. So a wife’s goal is to be an anorexic sex goddess while somehow managing to keep up with the kids, laundry, cooking, house cleaning, pto meetings, kids ball games and anything else the husband never wants to do on top of working a 40 hour a week job?

Excuse me, but until the husbands start looking like Brad Pitt and stop scratching their butts and farting, then don’t expect the wives to look like Angelina Jolie with the libido of a jackrabbit.

I’m sure some women like being married, but for me it is much easier and more satisfying to raise the family without this type of husband. These expectations are completely unrealistic and just teach women that their only value is based upon how good they are in bed.

I will keep my single life, thank you very much. At least this way, I don’t have to deal with petty tantrums from the husband because I earn more than he does and he isn’t getting sex 3 times a day exactly the way he sees it on a porn video. When I want sex, I never have any problems finding someone and there are never any complaints. They are happy and I am happy. And I don’t have to come home to stupid articles like this…..lol!

As for porn many men would not turn to it if their significant other had the same kind of sex drive. Ladies put your self in the drivers seat make it so your man doesn’t want or need porn. If my wife came on to me on a regular basis (not just 1 – 2 times a month) I’d never look at the stuff.

Nice post. You hit alot of points right on the head.

Good points bad points such is life.

I emaild my wife this article, but I don’t think she appreciated it. Ladies you ask us to talk and when we try to tell you what we like or want you ignore it or think we’re wrong. you tell us to communicate but then you shut us down. Why are you then supprised when we have affairs? Did you expect us to ignore our sex drive. It’s like saying pretend your full when you hungary it doesn’t work very well sex and appatite are both normal biolagical functions. Just remember one burns calories and one stores calories.

That is enough! Porn does not turn women into objects!!! It does not degrade women! It is a perfectly legitimate job/hobby! Please people … move on!

I totally agree with number one. I am sick of seeing women who think just because they have had children that is an excuse to stop caring. There are women out there who have the time to make their children’s lunches and do their hair! It is possible!

I have really enjoyed this article and the subsequent comments. I am unbelievably happily married to my second wife. My first marriage was doomed early on by a mismatch we held on many of the items listed in this article. My first wife was asexual, afeminate, and critical of all things sexual. From my inability to solve our issues through counseling, and my weakness in being unable to ignore my deeper desires, I turned to pornography and the internet as an outlet. What I viewed as a safe way to “get through the day” just proved to accelerate my dissatisfaction.

In my personal opinion, ladies, I think there is an awful lot for you to learn about many of the items listed in this article. You can take the equal rights route all you like, but there are real sexual thoughts and desires that men have that you should be aware of. No use in fighting them. Embrace them.

Likewise, men, seriously….. pornography has no real role in a sexually supercharged marriage. My wife and I have watched some together in the past with mixed results. But in the end, I know deep down that it is distracting. And I think deep down that I know that my wife isnt crazy about it. We have now eliminated this in our lives, so we can totally get wrapped up our own dirty, private, sexually wild and fulfilling lives. And yes, we love each other deeply as well.

It’s interesting that women feel threatened by the women in porn but no one has mentioned that the overly endowed and buffed male actors might make men feel inadequate. From the number of unsolicited ED and genital enlargement ads I receive I would guess that this is the case.

Personally I have problems with stereotypes of any sort and there are enough detrimental unquestioned assumptions in our common experience as it is.

I’ve been married since I was 18 and am now 41…next month will be 23 years. Anyway, my husband and I have a wonderful sex life and it just keeps getting better and better.

We’ve never used porn in our marriage and I feel sorry for people that “need” that. Of course, I think I’ve got the world’s best lover as I always have multiple orgasms and I always tell him that I feel sorry for men because they can’t feel as good as a woman does:).

We are Christians and I feel God has blessed us abundantly. Oh, we also have 8 children. I haven’t let myself go. My husband always tells me how beautiful I am and how proud he is of me.

My advice to other women is to eat healthy, exercise, and then you’ll want to have sex with your husband. I know I’m more in the mood when I feel better.

I agree with Cathy, the Pornography issue was dumb…just dumb. I’d expect to see something like that in Maxim but not on Foxnews.com. Saying women should be ok with their husband looking at erotic pictures of OTHER women is just stupid and did not belong in this list. Pornography destroys relationships, and you telling women to “lighten up” about is very bad advice and extremely irresponsible.

I agree with the other 9, although I have absolutely no opinion on the talking dirty issue.

I’d like to think that enough women would read this and resolve to make an effort but frankly, I’ve given up on American women. They all seem to either be bitter, resentful and inhibited Hillary types or shallow, overgrown girls who make lousy choices in their lives. I’m tired of being the one to go out of my way to dine them and entertain them just for the “privilege” of intimacy. Maybe it’s time to try Europe.

The writer is very insightltul: she understands that pornography should not become a big deal. Speaking for myself, I get ticked if my wife tries to guilt me on this. Porn is part of a man’s lifestyle as much as cosmetics and manicures and expensive hairstyling is for women. Women just don’t get it, though. They wrongly think the porn replaces them. It doesn’t. If anything, it makes the man want to have sex more often. The smart women are the ones who will leave this subject alone and ignore it. I assure you: there are thousands of divorced women out there who were too insecure to stop nagging their husbands on this. Ladies, think long and hard on this one, as this is a battle you are not going to win.

Wow! You know men well. Will you marry me please? Why do women quit wearing make up and doing their hair? They hate my playboy collection! C’mon…get some self-esteem. I love a woman that has nice nails, smells good…remember how we loved your body spray? How we loved the smell of your hair? How we stared into your eyes because they just popped out at us (because you wore eye liner and make up)? Why do they stop? THAT MAKES A MAN FEEL LIKE HE IS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED…EVERYDAY OF THE RELATIONSHIP! It seems as though we are not important enough any more to have you make yourself up for us. BIG relationship problem. Yes, I DO want you to have Jessica Biels body, and you want me to have Brad Pitts, you don’t…and I don’t, I don’t mind if you gained 10 pounds or so, but have your nails done, do your hair, wear pretty make up, and have sex with me.

B L K has VERY low self-esteem. Sounds a lot like my ex-wife. EX being operative here. When you drool over brad pitt or tom cruise do we say “oh, you want him! poor me”? No, most probably not. You are insecure and if it is not porn, it’ll be a girl in the mall or something.

So many of you are putting words in Dr. Fulbright’s mouth and making conclusions based on your own frame of reference. Many of you are reacting based on your own inadequacies and insecurities. You’d do much better focusing on how to use this advice to your advantage since she’s spot on, even if it’s hard to accept the truth. Fulbright is not encouraging porn use. She’s saying don’t take issue. She is not saying that large women are unattractive – they can still be “in shape” or trim. She’s covered her bases in trying to get a lot of tips into a few hundred words. I admire the fact that Fox is trying to foster healthier relationships with solid sex advice – other media outlets should strive to be as responsible.

She nailed it on all 10 and the women here railing on about pornography just don’t get it. The fact that they are demonizing pornography shows the problem with most women and I am sure that the ones slamming porn with such vigor are exactly the women that have their spouses/significant others unsatisfied in some way. GET A CLUE PEOPLE!!

We’ll the lady in spot on 99%. The comments from the prim and proper people above about X rated media is wrong. I have been reading Playboy and Penthouse and other magazines for now on 40 years. I have two healthy daughters (25 and 22) and a VERY happy marriage. It has not led to hardcore addiction nor me going to peep shows or strip clubs or looking for hookers. IT HAS ENHANCED OUR BEDROOM COMPATIBILITY AND FUN FACTOR. Getting ideas from X rated actors has helped us in many ways.

CJ,

You do realize your statement is highly contradictory?

“Fulbright is not encouraging porn use. She’s saying don’t take issue.”

So… She’s not encouraging porn use, she’s just saying it’s normal and don’t be judgmental? How is that not “enabling?”

She is not saying that large women are unattractive – they can still be “in shape” or trim.

You sound like a fashion magazine.

Steve,

Not everyone who demonizes porn is a woman. My wife is a very trim and sexy mother of two, but that is because as a husband I treat her like a goddess and as a father I spend a lot of time with the kids, giving her room to rest.

From observing typical couples, I see that most men don’t take care of their wives or children and yet expect their wives to be sexy goddesses in bed who tromp around naked like Dr. Fulbright suggests. This is why she also asserts in another article that most men will be having sex and/or marrying robots because real women can’t keep up. Most women feel used by their spouses and end up not feeling like a feminine goddess, but as a sex object. Maybe most women aren’t responsive in bed because men treat them like sex robots – so they become what they are treated.

The real problem with women is that most guys don’t know how to be men. And pornography is one of the worst addictions that damage most guys so they never grow out an adolescent vision of what real womanhood is.

leo it is many times the porn that leads to the affairs because the same ole wife isn’t enough so grow up and that you make excuses again is the sad sorry state of some “men” these days. you want your selfish desires and the wife sand expect no one to be offended well you offend!

hutch sad that you define a relationship/marriage on the amount of sex you get, so that is an excuse to screw others. god you guys that think porn and affairs are justifiable are why you are losers in relationships
go LEAH!!!

yeah i demonize porn becuase i am bitter. no not bitter just don’t have the rose colored glasses on and those of you who say it has enhanced your sex lives, nice try but i am not buying what you are so despaeratly trying to sell and your partner thinking it is ok is not enough evidence that is not harmful. Just tells me you are not very good at what you do!
keep your porn, I’ll be hanging out with the real men across the room who don’t need it to get it up. oh for those who say we drool over Brad and Tom, spare me there is nothing wrong with any one looking at an attractive person who walks buy or is on a magazine cover, I mean the chances of meeting them are nill and I wouldn’t have either anyway!
when you have to watch others intimate or raunchy moments that is what real ladies turn away from and don’t find attractive.
I love my body and so does my partner. we have enough communication and imagination that we don’t need used , worn women and men to turn us on, so sad that some of you do.
I will love the day that you grow up and don’t have to be turned on by others to get yours, of course by this point you are already addicted and no one will ever be good enough because if they were you wouldn’t need porn.

Well, as a woman – I am not offended by this article at all. Maybe it’s because I actually think porn is fantastic and I’ve had a subscription to Playboy since college. I read this column often and I’m surprised there haven’t been any Bible verses thrown about. That’s usually what goes on in the comments section. Anyway, as a 25-year old, I haven’t been married or had kids so I’m sure that my frame of reference is limited, but it seems to me that EVERY woman could learn at least SOMETHING from this article. Quit being so uptight about it! Geez… put on a skirt, some heels and some mascara for god’s sake. Man, I hope that I don’t turn into one of you when I get married. I can’t imagine having sex with my husband once a month, gaining 400 pounds or badgering him about porn. That’s crazy! With that being said – nobody’s perfect but it wouldn’t kill you ladies to do something to spice things up once in a while. I try to keep my boyfriend on his toes as much as possible – I find it exciting.

dear dear keri you assume that those of us ladies that don’t think porn is ‘cool’ are 400 pound ugly mothers who can’t satisfy their men. That is the problem with your ASSumptions. I have 4 children, never weighed anywhere near 400 let alone 200 pounds ( and if others do so what!) and have a great sex live.
the fact that you have had a subscription since college does not impress moi. Only says too that you are not creative enough on your own. I wear skirts, dresses and high heels I also wear a good pair of jeans and no one has complained so far.
Again justifying bad behavior by assuming those who don’t approve are uptight ugly women speaks volumes about you already. You are the type of women we are trying to point out make it easier for some men to justify bad behavior.
As for turning into ‘one of us’ I hope you don’t either, we don’t need women who think it is okay to objectify women in our circle. And god forbid you raise a daughter or a son with that attitude.

oh and Mike my daughter is a flight attendant so maybe I can get you a cheap flight to some country that you can pick out a woman to objectify and never has an original thought of her own. You are bitter about American women because we see through to what you really are. I am sooooooo Proud to be an American woman!

Keri,

It’s a different world when your boyfriend becomes your husband, expects a hot meal, clean house, bathed and well-behaved children, and a romp in the sack every night. Keeping him “on his toes” is the last thing busy mothers have on their minds, especially if their husbands don’t contribute like most men.

Worse, still, instead of helping out, men grow disappointed that their wives are unresponsive and turn to pornography as an outlet rather than dealing with the issue. Then women feel even more insecure and unsure of themselves and that is why they start gaining weight and losing interest in sex. And to compound the issue, “experts” tell women that the responsibility to maintaining a sex life is on their shoulders and if they have no libido it is their problem.

Dr. Fulbright gives no advice for men at all in dealing with this issue except that his problem may be technique.

More than half of these pieces of advice have to do with sexual technique (like a woman is just a series of buttons to push to get good sex.) There is nothing said about loving a woman as a woman rather than a sex toy with “personality.”

Show Me

Show me a woman who detests a man looking at images of naked women and i will show you a frigid female who has allowed her body to resemble a sack of potatoes with arms and legs.

Folks, pornography is fantasy, and if an opposed woman stops for a minute and thinks, she might find it’s more fun to look at stuff together and act out what’s seen. It also might give her a little impetuous for making herself more appealing. We men would much rather make love with a genuine, real woman who’s half as attractive as a fake, paid, performer.

Just a thought.

Paolo…”From observing typical couples, I see that most men don’t take care of their wives or children and yet expect their wives to be sexy goddesses in bed who tromp around naked like Dr. Fulbright suggests.”

What do you define as typical? How, exactly, does observing these couples impart the knowledge to you of what they expect their wives to be in bed?

“Most women feel used by their spouses and end up not feeling like a feminine goddess, but as a sex object.”

There really is no basis for this assumption. The same gross generalization could be made that most women forgo their personal health once they’ve “caught” someone to provide for them. They both do occur, but the generalizations are unfounded.

Hutch had a good point. Men are encouraged, ad infinitum, to share and to communicate. But when a highly educated, professional woman puts down, in black and white, precisely what so many (though not all) men attest is on their minds it is received as if it emanated from the lips of a servile bar wench from the 19th century. How much greater the vilification would be if the author had been a man. “Tell me what you want, just make sure it’s something of which I approve.”

banging head against wall and so thankful i don’t know these ‘men ‘ who adore porn and think women are here only for your fantasies!
I have fantasies too but don’t watch porn to achieve them!

To those arguing against pornography on some sort of (psedo)feminist grounds, haven’t you ever heard of sex-positive feminism (look it up on Wikipedia)? There is nothing wrong pornography. It isn’t degrading and it certainly doesn’t lead to rape or DV. If you want to outlaw visual pornography for men then you would need to outlaw literary pornography (ie: steamy novels) for women. Men are visual creatures. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore visual fantasies (just as there is nothing wrong with exploring literary fantasies) and it is misandric and offensive to suggest otherwise.

Thankfully, I have a self-confident wife that is not threatened by pictures on a screen. If I were dating, I would leave any woman who did have a problem with pornography as being incompatible. That is my right and it is female-supremacist to suggest that I shouldn’t be allowed to exercise it.

tammy…it isn’t productive to launch personal attacks to argue against someone’s point of view.

Paolo…”It’s a different world when your boyfriend becomes your husband, expects a hot meal, clean house, bathed and well-behaved children, and a romp in the sack every night.” This is an incredibly misoginistic cliché and not remotely what the article is suggesting. Keri may be on the young/idealistic side (I turned 40 this year), but she has a healthy attitude which appears to be free from the shame based notions of what is sexually acceptable. As long as she has some strong boundaries within that framework she should have a great life, and only Keri can know where she stands.

“Then women feel even more insecure and unsure of themselves and that is why they start gaining weight and losing interest in sex.” That would be the low self esteem route to take….low self esteem which frequently is brought into the relationship rather than created by it. The alternative would be that they take the initiative to find our what portion of the problem lies with her and what portion lies with her spouse, and moves forward to work it out before it ruins her health and her marriage.

“And to compound the issue, “experts” tell women that the responsibility to maintaining a sex life is on their shoulders and if they have no libido it is their problem.” Provide us with a single link to a respectable expert source which places all of the responsibility for maintaining a sex life on either a woman or a man.

lance do anything you want no one has said to take away your right to viewing smut. as for the steamy porn novels they are just as disgusting and insipid. enjoy it, keep that wife because i know if you were single I wouldn’t want anything to do with a porn viewer like yourself. oh and when a man starts telling a woman what does and doesn’t degrade her your other comments hold no weight!
i am not threatened by the whores on the screen, quite the opposite glad I am not them!
it does lead to rape I have a case in two weeks were 4 men were viewing porn on a laptop out in the open at a bowling alley and then a woman was drugged and raped by two of them later that evening, at the bowling alley in the pro shop. gee wonder if there was any correlation between the two??
explore away but please don’t suggest that those of us who find it repulsive in some way frigid, just don’t need it to turn ourselves or our partners on in a healthy relationship

tammy: “I have fantasies too but don’t watch porn to achieve them!”

tammy, then what do you do to explore your fantasies? And what makes your approach “better” then those of people (male and female) who enjoy porn? Are you sure that your approach to exploring your fantasies are any more/less exploitive? And who are you to suggest that you are better then the men/women who enjoy porn?

It sounds like you have some serious confidence issues. If you consider yourself a feminist, you should take a look at sex-positive feminism (look it up). You may learn something.

Men/women who enjoy porn do not objectify women or even assume that all women are there for a fantasy. And while you are on your little female-supremicist tirade, have you taken one moment to think of the male actors in porn? They are often paid far-far less money then the female actresses. And if you believe the flawed argument that porn objectifies women, then you should also support the equally flawed argument that porn objectifies men. Yet, I don’t think you have stepped up to the defense of men here.

paul when you or others personally attack women for not liking smut and then tells us we are frigid bitter american women I will stand up to that person who said it and respond deal with it

Hi Paul,

If you follow lots of news you find a lot of information on statistics on what happens to many couples. The divorce rate hangs around 40-50% with pornography being one of the biggest reasons among divorce lawyers. Further you will find tons of information on a new phenomenon called “sexless marriages” where millions of marriages are virtually dead in bed.

A lot of what I am stating isn’t merely anecdotes on personal experience, but backed by hard data and studies that I’ve been following for years. If you follow those studies between divorces and sexless marriages, much of it hinges on unrealistic expectations of sex and thus both partners end up jaded and disinterested. Just bringing up the subject of sex is taboo because it usually ends up in arguments, so in the end, communication ceases on the sexual level.

These aren’t “gross generalizations” but statistical studies on social trends that you can easily find.

The most ironic studies you will find is which couples have the best, most satisfying and longest sex life – the socially conservative religious parents. One of the most ironic moments in “Sex in the City” is when one of the girls sighs in exhaustion saying, “I feel like I’ve slept with half the men in the city” – the same jadedness of the 19th century bar wench who see the ugliness of men’s nature and not it’s nobility.

Unfortunately, today with experts such as Dr. Fulbright, we are told that it is normal for a man to be base rather than to be noble with his passions.

defend porn actors? never and yes men are objectified too. women who watch it are no better than the men who do.
very self confident and no I am no feminist so don’t generalize us women who think porn is nasty as such.
I don’t need to look up any definition to know good from gross.
i use fantasy play with my man and don’t need instructions on how to do so.
maybe it is your self esteem/confidence that is lacking since you need to watch others sex lives instead of trusting in your self!
the brain is one of the sexist organs we have, use it for more positive things.
never said my approach was better, just healthier. You and others should read more before putting words in my postings for me.
this is so mind numbing I will never change your opinion and you for damn sure never change mine, off to better ways to spend my time today!
those who know how destructive porn is keep up the good fight!
and for those who think it is good talk to me in 5 years or even sooner when it has led to destruction in your life or the life of someone you love
I am outta here!

tammy: “i use fantasy play with my man and don’t need instructions on how to do so.”

A bit of a know-it-all aren’t we…

tammy: “never said my approach was better, just healthier.”

Putting aside the contradiction in the above statement, how is your approach healthier? What makes you so sure? And I’m still not sure what your approach is. And why do you assume that one way is the only way in which even a single individual can explore sex? Perhaps those of us with healthy sex lives explore their sexuality in way far superior to your own.

tammy: “for those who think it is good talk to me in 5 years or even sooner when it has led to destruction in your life or the life of someone you love”

Oh please…the drama! It would only lead to destruction if one side can’t respect the wants and needs of the other side.

tammy: “the brain is one of the sexist organs we have…”

I don’t disagree with this. Hence why porn is fun.

Ah the days of a husband having his mistress so that the wife could be left alone. And if she felt the draw, the young stable man may catch her eye for a quick dirty romp in the hay.

But noooo we all have to submit to a monotoned life of mostly working for someone else, maintaining our marriages based on control (and the belief that we own the other,) and raising kids who think pretty much the same way we do.

Everyone on this topic is correct, for their situations. Don’t ever put yourselves into the situations that make you feel like a lesser human. If you end up there, you’ll grow old, tired, bitter and complaining about every little thing.

Paolo,
Again, you are listing things to which you provide no tangible support. Use of pornography may be included as a contributing factor, but it cannot be listed specifically as a legal reason unless the behavior satisfies the local legal definition of addiction…so please provide some more specific information…links…study names, etc. They remain generalizations until you provide some facts. It is not another’s job to research the claims made by you.

“Sexless marriage” is an extremely general term and is more of a media bastardization which trivializes the complex reasons marriages lack sexual activity. And your off hand mention of it insinuates that pornography is at the root. Again, it may be a contributing factor, but these sites do not hold it any more prevalent than other factors, when it is mentioned at all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage

http://www.passionatemarriage.com/ca_myths.shtml
http://sexless-marriage.blogspot.com/

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/02/12/healthmag.no.sex/index.html

“The most ironic studies you will find is which couples have the best, most satisfying and longest sex life – the socially conservative religious parents.” I would love to see this research to see whether it was conducted by a scientific or a religious organization. And referencing Sex in the City” really has no place here if we are to discuss real sexual issues.

Your recommendation for actually supporting a husband’s use of pornography is apalling. Pornography is disgusting, addictive, and objectifies women. It is extremely dangerous and hurtful for a marriage relationship – it is betrayal of a very painful kind.

You owe it to your readers to retract that comment and apologize.

Seriously???

When you stay home with 5 kids all day the LAST thing you want to do is jump your man, let alone make yourself porn starish!!!

Men, if this is a woman you want then you may as well keep up with that disgusting porn. If you expect that from a REAL woman you will find yourself out on your ass faster than you can say “I was just kidding honey!”

And, Dana.. Here’s a thought… Grow up and have a mature adult life. Trust me… living in an apartment you don’t have to share with your brother and sleeping with someone who isn’t a 29 year old deadbeat living with his parents is much better!!!

What would you do if you got pregnant?? I doubt he would step up and take care of you and your child. If he can’t even pay for his own home then he most likely wouldn’t pay for diapers!! And birth control doesn’t always work! Condoms break! Accidents happen so don’t use the excuse that you are on birth control and won’t get pregnant… I feel bad for children who enter the world in environments where the parents are not mature enough to handle their own lives let alone a baby.

Nadia: “If you expect that from a REAL woman you will find yourself out on your ass faster than you can say “I was just kidding honey!”

Nice to know that you support Domestic Violence. I would assume that him laying you “out on your ass” for something you say with which he doesn’t agree would be wrong though?

Laura: “Your recommendation for actually supporting a husband’s use of pornography is apalling.”

So male sexuality is disgusting and appalling huh? Clue: there is nothing inherently wrong with pornography. Do you have credible, unbiased sources to the contrary?

Laura: “It is extremely dangerous and hurtful for a marriage relationship – it is betrayal of a very painful kind.”

Ok, so would you say the same thing about steamy romance novels found on the book shelves of your local supermarket? There is no difference..or the only difference is one is primarily consumed by women and the other is primarily (though certainly not exclusively) consumed by men.

Between these two women, we see excellent examples of the flagrant vilification of men and the disrespect and misandry that is rampant in our society. One even suggests violence is the answer. Scary.

Hi Paul,

Sure thing. Here are some studies and articles to consider:

# Cyberporn is giving rise to a new form of sexual compulsiveness. 15% of online-porn habitue’s develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. The Internet is the “crack cocaine” of sexual addiction. Cybsersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? by Jennifer Schneider

# In 2001, in a study of 7037 adults, two thirds of those who visit websites with sexual content say their Internet activities haven’t affected their level of sexual activity with their partners, though 75% report masturbating while on line.

# At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. Pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago.

From: http://www.divorcewizards.com/divorcestats_porn.html
http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/the_porn_factor_in_the_01a.html
http://nn.byu.edu/story.cfm/13913
http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200511/20051130/slide_20051130_284_110.jhtml

There are tons of articles. All you have to do is look.

Here’s an interesting one about the rise of impotence linked with prolific use of pornography – hence the rise of Viagra among the young:

http://noorslist.wordpress.com/2007/11/08/from-pimp-to-limp-the-rise-of-viagra-and-impotence-from-porn-addiction/

Hi Paul,

Here is a statistical breakdown on why men in particular want to stop having sex and end up in a sexless marriage. Nearly 70% is because she doesn’t meet his sexual expectations. 25% say porn is better.

This is based on a book studying why men stop having sex.

WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED
reason percentage (%)

She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me – 68
She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex – 61
I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife – 48
I am angry at her – 44
I’m bored – 41
She is depressed – 40
She has gained a significant amount of weight – 38
I am depressed – 34
I no longer find her physically attractive – 32
I suffer from erectile dysfunction – 30
I lost interest and I don’t know why – 28
I prefer to masturbate, but not online – 25*
I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate – 25*
I am on medication that lowered my libido – 21
I am/was having an affair – 20
I suffer from premature ejaculation – 16
I have difficulty achieving orgasm – 15
I am too tired – 14
She is/was having an affair – 9
I don’t have the time – 6
I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with – 3
I am gay – <1
*These figures may overlap.

…

The majority masturbates, online or off, indicating a possible predilection for solitary over partnered sex. And although only 25 percent indicated a preference for masturbating to online porn, 58 percent said yes, they looked at it.

For many of these men, a fantasy world is replacing an actual sex life with their spouse, bringing to mind the Oscar Wilde quote: “One’s real life is often the life one does not lead.”

From: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=4137184&page=1

Hey Hutch, here’s a clue for ya. When your wife asks you to talk, she probably would appreciate talk about something other than sex. Badgering her about it repeatedly is just going to have the same affect as when she badgers you about something. Talk doesn’t mean whine about how you are sexually deprived.

So when you go screw around because she isn’t a sex goddess, don’t get mad when you find she is screwing around to just to have someone to talk to.

Ok Paul, you want some basis for Paulo’s comments? How about this? He sounds like the perfect man. If my man were to understand the way Paulo does, he would get sex probably more than he ever wanted.

I cannot speak for all women, but at least in my circle of friends, Paulo has hit the nail right on the head. Men just have unrealistic expectations and they sometimes forget that we are HUMAN too! Not only do they expect us to have hot meals, clean houses, clean and educated children, but they expect it to magically happen without their help!!! It is ok for them to come home from work and be exhausted, but when we get home from work we have to get dinner, chase kids, help with homework, keep up with kids lunches, get everyone’s stuff ready for the next day, and so on and so on. When any of that isn’t done, the husband can just shrug and play it off with the “well I’m just a man” expression while the wife gets her feet held to the fire.

I’ve lost count with how many times I’ve had to get up at 4am to get kids ready and dropped off and then to work while good old hubby is still catching up on zzzz’s in bed until 7am. Then in the evening after getting home from work and taking care of the whole list of chores above, I am supposed to somehow find time to put on mascara, curl my hair, put on something sexy, hop into bed and pant like a porno star, then when it’s over and he is asleep I go back downstairs to do laundry only falling into bed somewhere around midnight?!?!? Ok, am I the only one to think this may be a bit unreasonable?

Yes women change when they get married and have kids. They gain weight, get wrinkles, gray hair, etc. That is life! How many people could deal with most mothers/wives schedules on top of a full time job? I have met only 1 man that was even willing to try. Most others felt like all of this stuff would either take care of itself or else it was beneath them to even try. So why is a husbands’ role in marraige in parenting simply the earning money and having sex to create the little suckers. Anything beyond that and they refuse to help. Women have to take care of anything and everything that the men cannot or will not do. So men cannot have it both ways.

If you want your wives to be more into your needs, maybe you should be more into hers? You reap what you sow. There is no way that all of these complaining men are helping their wives and treating them like they love and respect them just to get kicked in the teeth in the bedroom. Sorry guys, not buying it!

Oh and by the way….why is it when women don’t feel like having sex it is a catastrophe and we have to deal with pouting, eye rolling and the silent treatment but when their wives are in the mood and they aren’t, then we should just be understanding? Um again, I know us women are pretty darned awesome, but we did not come with an unlimited supply of understanding and patience. Most of us would appreciate our husbands behaving like a partner and an adult instead of competing with the children in the ducking responsibilities and whininess categories.

Tto address the porn issue. Been there and tried that. It didn’t work out so well for us. At first everything seemed fine. But then as the newness wore off, it had to be something a little more intense and then a little more intense. Porn IS addictive and definitely CAN destroy a relationship.

One problem is when some men do not realize that everything you see in a porn video isn’t necessarily real! I do not want to get graphic, but please, these people are being paid to act. The oohs and ahs don’t mean it feels divine to be twisted up like a gordion knot while getting intimate….it is to sell the video to someone who is going to be stimulated by the sights and sounds.

The problem is when some husbands expect their wives to try and duplicate that. I ended up being physically hurt trying some of this crazy stuff and when I tried telling him that some things are uncomfortable or painful, his attitude was well, those women seem to enjoy it so there must be something wrong with you! Seriously guys, this isn’t love talking here. Did this want me to please him? No. What it did was to make me realize that he didn’t care if I was in pain mentally or physically or not. What he cared about was his physical needs and that was it. If your wife has to remind you over and over and over that something hurts but you keep pushing for her to do it anyway, then maybe you need to stop and take a good look at yourself. Expecting your wife to deal with discomfort and pain so you can get off is very degrading!!! I was never able to get him to understand that love and respect also plays a part in a relationship. A relationship is about much more than just sex but you would be hard pressed to tell that from some of these comments.

Men would get oh so much more from women if some of them would just treat us like more than a sex toy. I’m wondering how happy some of them are going to be once their ED, or diabetes side affects, etc starts kicking in and they are looking for their wives or girlfriends to be “understanding” then. But hey, I guess it only works one way, right?

I seriously hope some of you guys do before it is too late. I am not posting this to be hateful, just to hopefully open some peoples eyes that porn and unrealistic expectations are very harmful. Wives should not expect their husbands to be the perfect knights in shining armor from the romance novels any more than the husbands should expect the wives to be the super slim “anything goes” sex divas from their porn mags either.

LOL, Tammy! Your comment to Keri made me laugh! Seriously though…she is still a young pup and just doesn’t know any better yet. The first time her hubby comes at her and expects her to behave like a purring 18 year old sex kitten when she’s sore from chasing around the 2 year old and 3 year old, breastfeeding and changed about a gazillion poopy diapers for the infant, I am dead certain that her first reaction will be to grab the porn and run straight to don the mascara and high heels! (Never mind the fact that she probably hasn’t even had 45 seconds to pee in privacy in the bathroom all day much less take 5 minutes to take a shower because the kids might kill each other while you do).

Keri, please make sure you write some advice columns for us poor uptight women once you’ve been there and done that, k hon?

ROFL!! Lance, apperently you’ve never heard the term “Out on your ass” before… It means kicking you out!! See ya!! Here are the divorce papers!! Goodbye!!

Paolo… Your wife is very lucky!! Not enough men think like you and treat their wives like royalty!! I’m willing to bet your marriage is strong and will remain strong for many decades!!

Ok I guess I missed the ones for the men, I agree with most of them, but what about the men. How about them being romantic, and sensitive. That don’t always have to be pigs. It takes both sides to make it work. We don’t mind talking dirty and being a FREAK in the bed, but they need to give us what we want sometimes too.

I have been trying to keep up with all that has been written so far…I keep seeing Porn listed in just about everyone’s comments. I will not speak for anyone else but myself, because I do not wish to say what you believe is right or wrong…All I ask in return is that you not judge me for what I do and enjoy.

I belong to a site, not saying which one because it doesn’t pertain to this article, that I thoroughly enjoy. I created an avitar that looks like the woman I see inside of me, the one that most in todays society don’t take the time to look for because the me in real life is not “trim”. In this place I get to live out my fantasy(s)…things that I would not do in real life. I find it exciting…a turn-on. The thing to remember though is that when I turn off my computer, I check on my child, I climb into bed with the most wonderful husband a woman could ask for and that is the man that I make love to. I do not NEED the site to want my husband but I enjoy what it allows me to explore. If it also enhances my excitement or allows me to bring some of the fantasy to him…how is that harmful. My feelings are this on porn and such…if my man is watching porn and bringing his physical loving to me, I would rather that then him be out prowling around.

You know what I find sad, that in todays world we still look at “trim” as sexy. If you look back at some of the worlds most famous paintings, the women were voluptous, rounded and by todays standard “fat”. Give me back those days…if I am healthy why can’t I give my man padding instead of bones to bump and grind against.

Hi Chrisaga and Nadia.

Honestly, my wife is whom I would say is perfect. I only aspire to be.

I was a porn addict since I was 12 and was thankfully kicked the habit after college for 3 years prior to meeting my wife. I am willing to bet that if I had not done stopped looking at porn, I would not have recognized her for the woman I should marry. I would have still been chasing an adolescent fantasy than recognizing and marrying a true woman.

What helps me is having a goal and a vision of what a real man is supposed to be. A true man is master of his passions not its slave. In turn, when a man is master of his passions, your wife is not slave to them either – she becomes free to be a true woman. Your sex-life transforms from a constant struggle to sate your sexual hunger into a free and totally gratuitous expression of love – a gift rather than an obligation.

My condemnation against pornography is not trying to belittle other men. All I am trying to say is that they can be so much more and the freedom you give to your woman can truly liberate her and inspire her to be even more beautiful than you imagine.

I still struggle with my eyes. But when my wife and other women have told me that I look at them not as a “thing” but as a person, I know the struggle is worth it.

Dear Jeanine,

There is a false dichotomy in your assumption.

1) A man looks at porn
2) A man prowls around

A man doesn’t have to do either. Why do so many women assume that a man is so ignoble that he must do one or the other? A lot of men think that there is nothing better, but there is more, so much more they can be.

I believe not only porn but the fashion and “beauty” industry has done serious damage to the psychology of both men and women – to have a false sense of what to expect. Back when “slightly overweight” women were painted, there weren’t fashion magazines or widespread use of pornography around to warp the ideals of what a real woman looks like.

And because of that, otherwise incredibly beautiful women are ignored simply because one thinks they are too “overweight.”

To which I toast Dr. Fulbright for adding another nail to the coffin by telling women that it is a mistake not to stay trim.

Paulo,

I applaud you many times over. You made mistakes, but you aren’t afraid to admit it. Instead of staying in a rut and expecting everyone else around you to change, you changed to meet the people around you in the middle. You recognized that there is more to life and a relationship than just sex. Sex should be enjoyable and a very important part of peoples’ lives, but not the ONLY part of their lives. You recognized that at an age where most people are going wild and anything goes.

Again, I believe you have a wonderfully healthy outlook and approach which seems to point to an equally wonderful and healthy marraige. It is very refreshing to be a witness to a part of that. Thank You!

Paolo,

Please understand, and anyone else who is reading these, I do not generalize that all men look at porn or that all men prowl around…or that they do either one or the other…my statement was only meant to say that I am comfortable in my relationship knowing that my husband loves and desires me…unshaved legs and all (some days there just isn’t enough time to take razor in hand)…but that if the two were presented to me, I would rather he watch porn and be home with me then off prowling…maybe it didn’t come out the way I intended it to. For that I apologize.

Oh well, I guess I will bow out of the conversation. May all of you find the perfect relationship that you desire and deserve. Best to all of you.

I thought this ws very good advice. I don’t think anything excites a man more than the woman he loves being comfortable with herself and not being afraid to show it. I agree with Paul when he stated that he likes to look only a amateur porn. I believe the reason for that is the same as I stated above, women that are comfortable in their own skin carry themselves differently and a man notices that. They do not have to be “models”, just confident. I forwarded the article to my wife for her to read.
Thanks

I am relatively new to this site (actually this is my 1st vist) but I am a 36 yr old married woman who’s husband just turned 30. My problem is my health which limits positions which right now can only be missionary. Because we used to have sex quite frequently and in various positions I am afraid my husband getting tired of the same routine though he swears he’s not. Now he’s lucky to get it 2x a month. It’s not that I ‘m not attracted to him, it’s more like the list above: 1.I am depressed; 2. I am on medication that lowered my libido and makes me tired and 3. I feel I have gained weight from being on the meds and being bedridden.
The reason I am writing is cause I used read the 10 mistakes women make and #5 talking dirtry is my problem now. I moan, groan, and dig my nails into his back (which he enjoys)but talking dirty embarasses me. So if anyone out there has somesuggestions on where to start I would love some advice. Thanks for letting me go on & on about my problem.

Ok I know I said I was bowing out of this conversation but in response to Kerri Z…

If verbalizing is to difficult for you, do you both have computers or cell phones with texting abilities. Not saying to have text or cyber sex, but maybe you can send him an erotic message…tell him what it is that you want to do to him or what you want done to you. This may set a mood of excitement and playfulness. Not to replace communicating face-to-face but maybe it will start to make you more comfortable with letting him know what you want or maybe make the words not so intimidating. I too understand limitations due to health issues. It can be very frustrating. Wishing you good luck.

Chrisaga…I’m not trying to make any kind of appraisal of Paolo’s virtue or appeal to his wife, and now apparently you. He chooses to live his life and carry himself as a man in a way that fits with his nature. The article we are all so hotly debating proposes nothing more than that. We only disagree on the use of pornography and I have already stated that, when misused, it can indeed cause problems. So can a nightly glass of chardonnay if allowed to escalate to an addiction just because a high percentage of addicts report beginning with a particular substance, it does not automatically follow that the substance is responsible for the addiction. Some people can handle it and use the information to enhance their relationship…others are of the former example and they tend to have difficulty with obsessive and addictive behavior in general. If it wasn’t porn, then it could just as easily be gambling, substance abuse or (primarily for women) shopping. Like many others here, your post seems to give the impression of some distaste in your own relationship. Marriages suffer from both sides “giving up” in terms of bodily behavior and romantic endeavors. What both the men’s version and the women’s version of this article are trying to get across is to keep trying. Very few people are going to be able to hit every item on the list and we aren’t being asked to. Nowhere in the article is it recommended that women transform themselves into sex slave/porn goddesses top to bottom, 100% of the time, but that is exactly how it is being interpreted. The articles merely point out some of the things both men and women let slide, either consciously or unconsciously, and warns that they can have a negative affect on our sex life and consequently your relationship as a whole. All of the things you list about your husband are complaints by many who have posted here but they are issues unto themselves. The article is meant to help the sliver of your life that is sexual, not to replace your life.

Chrisaga…I’m not trying to make any kind of appraisal of Paolo’s virtue or appeal to his wife, and now apparently you. He chooses to live his life and carry himself as a man in a way that fits with his nature. The article we are all so hotly debating proposes nothing more than that. We only disagree on the use of pornography and I have already stated that, when misused, it can indeed cause problems. So can a nightly glass of chardonnay if allowed to escalate to an addiction just because a high percentage of addicts report beginning with a particular substance, it does not automatically follow that the substance is responsible for the addiction. Some people can handle it and use the information to enhance their relationship…others are of the former example and they tend to have difficulty with obsessive and addictive behavior in general. If it wasn’t porn, then it could just as easily be gambling, substance abuse or (primarily for women) shopping. Like many others here, your post seems to give the impression of some distaste in your own relationship. Marriages suffer from both sides “giving up” in terms of bodily behavior and romantic endeavors. What both the men’s version and the women’s version of this article are trying to get across is to keep trying. Very few people are going to be able to hit every item on the list and we aren’t being asked to. Nowhere in the article is it recommended that women transform themselves into sex slave/porn goddesses top to bottom, 100% of the time, but that is exactly how it is being interpreted. The articles merely point out some of the things both men and women let slide, either consciously or unconsciously, and warns that they can have a negative affect on our sex life and consequently your relationship as a whole. All of the things you list about your husband are complaints by many who have posted here but they are issues unto themselves. The article is meant to help the sliver of your life that is sexual, not to replace your life.

Just a humble suggestion to anyone ranting and railing against this article. Take both lists and discuss it with your spouse. Laugh and ridicule the items as much as you like, but if each of you choose just one item you can agree to work on for your spouse…not all….just one item…chances are good it will make an improvement. If you are comfortable with your relationship the way it is, then allow others to investigate for themselves.

Jade…it sounds like there were other problems with your spouse that get down to simple respect. That kind of callous behavior isn’t acceptable and I’m sorry you had to go through that. No, a relationship isn’t only about sex, but these comments are specifically about an article on sex, so of course they are going to almost wholly sexual in nature. Assuming you are still with the individual you reference, I hope that you have been better able to establish some boundaries in your relationship since your unpleasant experience.

Nadia and chrisaga…interesting that while you both are impressed with Paolo’s treatment of his wife as royalty, neither of you have expressed any interest as to whether she treats him as royalty in return. I’m not taking shots Paolo. I’m just interested in the role equity plays for the two above.

Hallelujah, Jeanine. Most people don’t “need” erotica as it is being portrayed in some comments. They are able to indulge as they see fit, and then continue with regular life with no compulsion to recreate everything they’ve seen, point for point. And regarding “trim” equating to sexy, the few shallow men out there who genuinely feel that way (beyond it being a simple preference) aren’t the kind of men you’d have any interest in being with anyway. (what sounds like a healthy marriage not withstanding)

Paolo…that is a wealth of information and I don’t dispute that there are a great many people who have fallen victim to the negative ramifications of pornography. The statistics for alcoholism and substance abuse are similar and one could argue that all are related to obscuring reality which is perfectly valid. Some people wish to actively replace their unsatisfying reality with a more palatable fantasy which ultimately leads to suffering because reality has a way of imposing itself back into our lives. But a great many people can carefully, responsibly and consciously seek out and experience fantasy to enhance real life, not to replace it.

As of your last couple of posts it is clear that this subject is close to you in that you developed an unhealthy behavior because of porn and you are certainly not alone. It sounds like, for you, it was absolutely the right thing to do to excise it from your life. Judging by your posts here you have become in a way what I can only describe as a “born again” porn opponent. You have some very personal experience with the subject which led to some pain in your life, and now you seem compelled to extol the negativity with little regard that it can benefit couples when used responsibly.

I’ve been thinking of suggesting an amendment to the list. It bridges the self assurance of number six and the negativity of number seven so if Dr. Fulbright will indulge me I’ll call it:

Number “6.5”. Trash-talking yourself.

Sure you have flaws and your spouse does too. But nothing on this list (including sharing the bodily functions) is a bigger turnoff for me than hearing a woman talk badly about herself. Now, it’s important to differentiate between critiquing or fishing for a compliment versus destructive trash-talking. Every guy needs a little reminding from time to time that a kind word goes a long way, hence the fishing. Objective evaluation is fine and we know you have insecurities. We may not truly understand them, much less identify with them, but we know they are there because we have our own illogical set of perceived failings that exist primarily in our head. But the problem is that many women say them…out loud…frequently…and what’s worse, sometimes in direct response to a compliment from a well meaning husband. We are happy to be an ear for you and “just listen” but there comes a point when too many instances of hearing how you don’t like your butt or you wish your straight hair was curly (or vice versa) can lead to two effects. One…your negative talk about yourself begins to cement in your own head that it is objectively true and not just insecurity common to the human condition. And two…men can unconsciously develop an underlying, unspecified negativity surrounding the comments, or much worse… begin to subconsciously believe them. If something is repeated enough times over the years it begins to be self fulfilling for both parties. We are not talking about an occasional need to be reassured or validated. I’m talking about something that is a true problem for the woman that she feels compelled to verbalize on a regular basis. Talking yourself down too often really brings down both of you, in and out of the bedroom.

Trish,
My heart is torn for you. I understand the the incredible pain and shame you are feeling. I want to recommend a book to you that helped me. Its titled “Every Heart Restored” subtitled “A Wife’s guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin”. Authors: Arterburn & Stoeker. Another thing i recommed is that you seek a “safe” support group where you can talk about your struggles. Your not alone.

Hi Paul,

I think that all-in-all the comments on this conversation have been very intelligent and very enlightening. I hope that in the future if we do get into other conversations we can keep this tone and respect that everyone shares. Pornography is a very sensitive issue and I think that in general, everyone has handled it with grace and delicacy.

The key point of this article, which I agree with, is the importance of communication. My wife and I communicate incredibly well and are very forthright with one another. We also both have the attitude that if you want something to change you have to change yourself first. We don’t wait for the other to change before we change ourselves and make ourselves better.

I think the best way to illustrate how things go at home is when I arrive home after work.

Immediately, I pick up the baby and play with my 3 year old – sometimes outside to play tag or inside to play one of his videogames. My wife in turn is free to cook all of us a hot meal. After dinner, I bathe the kids and put them to bed which gives my wife time to pack me a good lunch for the next day and then she decompresses after spending the whole day with children who are constantly demanding something of her – usually reading, playing a computer game or watching TV uninterrupted. At night we spend maybe an hour or two talking about how things went during the day. During this she gets a backrub while she nurses the 6 month old. If the time is right and the baby is asleep, we get to spend time being a husband and wife together.

We haven’t been on dates for a while because the baby is still too young to be away from her for too long, especially since she is nursing. But recently, she’s been able to see some movies with her friends while I watch the kids and I’ve been able to go camping with the guys for a weekend.

So… I’m not sure if this is being treated like “royalty”, but this is how we work.

And you are also correct, Paul, that I’ve had a largely negative experience with pornography. I have no issue with healthy expressions of fantasy between couples. In fact, I would encourage these things because variety is the spice of life.

The issue with pornography is not its addictive nature, nor even the psychological damage it can and has done with other couples. This only makes it a dangerous substance that, as you propose, can be handled with care with other couples.

The real issue with pornography is what it is – it is using another human being.

One should love people and use things – not use people and love things. Pornography is the latter, the use of another person for a sexual kick. No human being should ever be used, whether or not consent is involved. No one is to be used.

This extends to even husbands and wives – a husband should never use his wife much less a wife use her husband. A lot of wives know that they aren’t being loved, only used, and thus are less responsive in bed and less likely to desire sex.

Here here.

Your “after work” scenario sounds incredibly well balanced and not too dissimilar from my own 20 year marriage. The moment my symbols of corporate oppression come off (I.e. shirt and tie), my 4 month old son is in my arms to allow my wife to decompress. My wife and I choosing to have a child at 38 and 40, respectively, is draining to say the least.

I think your after work activities are precisely what many women would consider to be royal treatment. It’s a little sad, in a way, only because the things you describe should be a given, but it’s obvious by some reactions to your posts that too many women/mothers don’t get the proper respect and support.

I thought it was obvious as well that this is how a family should run – like a team.

It’s draining no matter what age you have children. We already have 2 kids and neither my wife or myself is even 30. Our first baby was a honeymoon baby.

I am of the opinion that many men have a pseudo-oedipus complex. They want a wife who will mother them and their children (feed and clean house) while providing extra “side-benefits.” They don’t see themselves as a partner in raising children or running a household.

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