It’s draining no matter what age you have children. We already have 2 kids and neither my wife or myself is even 30. Our first baby was a honeymoon baby.

I am of the opinion that many men have a pseudo-oedipus complex. They want a wife who will mother them and their children (feed and clean house) while providing extra “side-benefits.” They don’t see themselves as a partner in raising children or running a household.

Here here.

Your “after work” scenario sounds incredibly well balanced and not too dissimilar from my own 20 year marriage. The moment my symbols of corporate oppression come off (I.e. shirt and tie), my 4 month old son is in my arms to allow my wife to decompress. My wife and I choosing to have a child at 38 and 40, respectively, is draining to say the least.

I think your after work activities are precisely what many women would consider to be royal treatment. It’s a little sad, in a way, only because the things you describe should be a given, but it’s obvious by some reactions to your posts that too many women/mothers don’t get the proper respect and support.

The issue with pornography is not its addictive nature, nor even the psychological damage it can and has done with other couples. This only makes it a dangerous substance that, as you propose, can be handled with care with other couples.

The real issue with pornography is what it is – it is using another human being.

One should love people and use things – not use people and love things. Pornography is the latter, the use of another person for a sexual kick. No human being should ever be used, whether or not consent is involved. No one is to be used.

This extends to even husbands and wives – a husband should never use his wife much less a wife use her husband. A lot of wives know that they aren’t being loved, only used, and thus are less responsive in bed and less likely to desire sex.

I think that all-in-all the comments on this conversation have been very intelligent and very enlightening. I hope that in the future if we do get into other conversations we can keep this tone and respect that everyone shares. Pornography is a very sensitive issue and I think that in general, everyone has handled it with grace and delicacy.

The key point of this article, which I agree with, is the importance of communication. My wife and I communicate incredibly well and are very forthright with one another. We also both have the attitude that if you want something to change you have to change yourself first. We don’t wait for the other to change before we change ourselves and make ourselves better.

I think the best way to illustrate how things go at home is when I arrive home after work.

Immediately, I pick up the baby and play with my 3 year old – sometimes outside to play tag or inside to play one of his videogames. My wife in turn is free to cook all of us a hot meal. After dinner, I bathe the kids and put them to bed which gives my wife time to pack me a good lunch for the next day and then she decompresses after spending the whole day with children who are constantly demanding something of her – usually reading, playing a computer game or watching TV uninterrupted. At night we spend maybe an hour or two talking about how things went during the day. During this she gets a backrub while she nurses the 6 month old. If the time is right and the baby is asleep, we get to spend time being a husband and wife together.

We haven’t been on dates for a while because the baby is still too young to be away from her for too long, especially since she is nursing. But recently, she’s been able to see some movies with her friends while I watch the kids and I’ve been able to go camping with the guys for a weekend.

So… I’m not sure if this is being treated like “royalty”, but this is how we work.

Number “6.5”. Trash-talking yourself.

Sure you have flaws and your spouse does too. But nothing on this list (including sharing the bodily functions) is a bigger turnoff for me than hearing a woman talk badly about herself. Now, it’s important to differentiate between critiquing or fishing for a compliment versus destructive trash-talking. Every guy needs a little reminding from time to time that a kind word goes a long way, hence the fishing. Objective evaluation is fine and we know you have insecurities. We may not truly understand them, much less identify with them, but we know they are there because we have our own illogical set of perceived failings that exist primarily in our head. But the problem is that many women say them…out loud…frequently…and what’s worse, sometimes in direct response to a compliment from a well meaning husband. We are happy to be an ear for you and “just listen” but there comes a point when too many instances of hearing how you don’t like your butt or you wish your straight hair was curly (or vice versa) can lead to two effects. One…your negative talk about yourself begins to cement in your own head that it is objectively true and not just insecurity common to the human condition. And two…men can unconsciously develop an underlying, unspecified negativity surrounding the comments, or much worse… begin to subconsciously believe them. If something is repeated enough times over the years it begins to be self fulfilling for both parties. We are not talking about an occasional need to be reassured or validated. I’m talking about something that is a true problem for the woman that she feels compelled to verbalize on a regular basis. Talking yourself down too often really brings down both of you, in and out of the bedroom.

As of your last couple of posts it is clear that this subject is close to you in that you developed an unhealthy behavior because of porn and you are certainly not alone. It sounds like, for you, it was absolutely the right thing to do to excise it from your life. Judging by your posts here you have become in a way what I can only describe as a “born again” porn opponent. You have some very personal experience with the subject which led to some pain in your life, and now you seem compelled to extol the negativity with little regard that it can benefit couples when used responsibly.

Jade…it sounds like there were other problems with your spouse that get down to simple respect. That kind of callous behavior isn’t acceptable and I’m sorry you had to go through that. No, a relationship isn’t only about sex, but these comments are specifically about an article on sex, so of course they are going to almost wholly sexual in nature. Assuming you are still with the individual you reference, I hope that you have been better able to establish some boundaries in your relationship since your unpleasant experience.

Nadia and chrisaga…interesting that while you both are impressed with Paolo’s treatment of his wife as royalty, neither of you have expressed any interest as to whether she treats him as royalty in return. I’m not taking shots Paolo. I’m just interested in the role equity plays for the two above.

Hallelujah, Jeanine. Most people don’t “need” erotica as it is being portrayed in some comments. They are able to indulge as they see fit, and then continue with regular life with no compulsion to recreate everything they’ve seen, point for point. And regarding “trim” equating to sexy, the few shallow men out there who genuinely feel that way (beyond it being a simple preference) aren’t the kind of men you’d have any interest in being with anyway. (what sounds like a healthy marriage not withstanding)