While I can only speak to the male perspective on why marriages don’t last, I would like to address Dr. Yvonne’s second point about women’s rights.

The educated men I know are in no way intimidated by an educated successful spouse and are willing to accept more domestic duties in a team work atmosphere. However, what we men are is confused. In the workplace you women are now our competition, placing us in the fight to win mode. Yet your one of a protected class of workers. When we get home we have to shift into the protector mode. And, in between work and home we don’t know what mode to be in. Do you want to be treated as an equal? If so, then expect to be treated with the same competitiveness we would bring to a sporting event or work situation which basically means we give no quarter and take no prisoners. The men I know don’t really want to treat women this way. We were raised as gentlemen by our more victorian fathers to respect, care for and protect women, not compete with them. So women, you tell us how we’re supposed to be.

Boo! The real reason is because we have too many lawyers. A divorce is too easy to obtain. If it took years to get a divorce hearing like it may take to get an appeal’s hearing, we might see lower divorce rates.

The alternative to less lawyers would be to make a marriage license cost $10,000.

I agree with you yet, I believe there is another reason as well. More and more children are raised in broken homes and are not shown how a family should work. They may have false expectations on what marriage will provide. The fact that there will be times that you disagree or how to work through it. So instead of doing so they get a divorce. It just seems easier and hey mom and dad did it and they are fine. When in reality many people regret it later in life. So I believe it is on all of us whom decide to get married that we take our vows to heart and not do it just because it’s the thing to do. Your example is what builds or nation believe it or not that is a major reason that divorce has become the problem it has in my opinion

Coming from a broken family myself, I believe that many people go into marriages expecting a more romantic view of marriage. There really is no fairy tale marriage like that which is shown in the movies. Marriages take a lot of work and you need to be fully ready for it! People give up way too easily and divorces are so easy to obtain.

I disagree that children from broken homes are more likely to be divorced. It seems that children from homes where the parents stayed together are more likely to because they seem to tend to believe that their parents successful marriage was just a natural thing, and that really not much work or compromise was needed. Coming from a broken family, I am much more careful about diving into marriage or even a serious relationship because I have learned from watching many failed marriages what may make or break a marriage.

I would like to see the statistics that show how many of the divorces are by people that have done it multiple times, I think they screw up the ratio of marriages to divorces for the rest of us who choose to stay married to one person.

ANOTHER REASON…A BIPOLAR WIFE; A HUSBAND THAT BECOMES ILL TEMPORARILY; A WOMAN’S TICKET OUT OF TOWN AWAY FROM A PREVIOUS DIVORCE; RAISE MY KIDS, PLEASE (WOMAN); I DON’T WANT TO WOPRK, BUT I LIKE TO SHOP; UNFAITHFULNESS; PROMISCUITY (WOMAN, BIPOLAR)
i COULD GO ON AND ON…I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN

I like Dr. Yvonne’s ideas, but she also must realize that there are more online dating sites now too. When people get angry with their lovers, it’s much easier now-a-days (than say even 10-15 years ago) to find a replacement “potential” partner from an online dating site. One can even “weed” out unwanted traits of others in hopes to find that picture perfect mate. It’s just so much easier to just throw in the towel and start anew.

I’d say there is a whole angle missed here. It is the sense of entitlement, or ‘fairy tale’ expectation that our society seems to have developed. I know a lot of people who believe that they grow up, get married, have 2.3 kids, a house in the suburbs, etc, and live happily ever after. Not because its possible, but because that’s what’s owed them. Its the opportunity America provides, and that’s what they deserve.

The hard work it takes to achieve and maintain that is no longer part of the expectation. When things go wrong, something must be amiss, and dissallusionmnet (sp?) sets in. We see the same sense of entitlement everywhere. Society has developed the thought that nothing is their fault – so we sue when fast food makes us fat, coffee burns our lips, or divorce when things just aren’t as they should be.

This, in my opinion, is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

There is one word that sums it up – Money.

The vast majority of fights are about money. This leads to the vast number of divorces.

Dr. Fulbright’s articles are terrible. Improper grammar (check the difference between “since” and “because” before you write next time), surface level treatment of subject material, and sweeping generalizations plague her articles. Fire her and get someone else!

I always think its funny, when women call themselves Single Parents or when they say they can
take care of a child themselves. But they are recieving 25% of Dads Salary? Plus…

Related to empowerment is the bias in the courts towards women. To see why there are so many divorces, just look at the statistics of who files. That tells the story. End the bias and the divorce rate will drop.

The one thing that was not addressed by either Dr. Fulbright or any other commentator (as I write this) is the simple idea that as people mature they may grow apart and develop different interests and needs.

Is it possible for an Isolator and a Fuser personality to have a happy committed marriage? If so, how?

Another factor in the number of divorces is the number of people dealing with serious emotional/mental health issues — too many people have the idea that romance and marriage will fix their personal problems and make them happy. Not only do they prove gravely mistaken — the normal ups and downs of even a good marriage tend to add that much more stress to unresolved personal issues — but it’s a sad fact that most people tend to marry mates close to their own level of mental/emotional health, meaning that if one partner hasn’t done the needed work to get healthy as an individual, chances are good that the spouse has an equal unresolved problem. Tragically, many people with serious personal issues divorce and remarry multiple times without ever figuring out that the common factor in all their unhappy marriages is staring them in the bathroom mirror every morning; anyone can make a mistake once, but when the same type of mistake is made again and again, there’s something unhealthy going on. When you have had three or four abusive or crazy partners in a row, it’s more than time to start asking yourself just why you are consistently finding yourself attracted to such people.

The good news is that a good marriage is incredibly satisfying and does create a great deal of happiness for both partners, but it takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment from two people who are basically healthy and happy to start with. Even when you start from a good foundation, you’ll find that both of you have a lot of growing up and adjusting to do along the way. But after 22 years of marriage, I’d say it’s well worth it.

I’m a divorce attorney. If we quit giving the wife, who usually files, half of everything, the house and the kids the divorce rate would plummet.

Alan

“We don’t have to stay in bad marriages. We’re able to take care of ourselves and our children.”

Sadly, as a friend to many divorced women and as a high school teacher, I can attest to the fact that many women are NOT taking care of their children. The same goes for fathers. Divorce has had a horrible impact on children. Often they carry the baggage of divorce into their adult lives and relationships. The statistics show that children whose parents have been divorced are much more likely to get divorced. Statistics also show that children in lasting, monogomous (not perfect) marriages/familes, fare better in almost every category of life. Feminism sold me a bill of goods. I was selfish, angry and saw my husband as my adversary. I put my wants and my needs before my marriages and our children’s. We have now been married 18 years and we couldn’t be happier! This old feminist (who now views much of feminism as anti-male, anti-family, anti-child welfare and anti-Christian) finally has the PEACE in her life she sought but didn’t know how to achieve. My husband and I are a team who vowed before God in 1989 that divorce was NOT an option. We work thru whatever downs we have (nothing major due to respect), allow God to be a large part of our family and marriage and we place the welfare of our children before all else. Sadly, divorce in this country has harmed more children than alcohol and drugs ever will and MUCH of it is unnecessary; if people worked as hard on their marriages and keeping their vows as they do finding a way to get a job promotion, ge more money or get OUT of a marriage, life for everyone would improve…especially life for the innocent children selfishly harmed by most divorces.

People and movies have made a mockery of marriage in this day and age. Were barely raised at all by our own parents due to the fact that both partners HAVE to work to make the home work, and thats just making the home work not the relationship portion of it. Then as time goes on little by little small issues build up and without the ability or time to deal with them they almost unavoidabley become to much of a burden to handle. So instead of trying to solve the issue we turn to what we’ve dubbed as more approachable through movies: divorce, cheating, lying, and our reasons for doing it? To be free. were a selfish breed who’ll step on others to get what we want and then reason it out after to make ourselves feel justified.

You talk about this as if it’s a bad thing. When I got divorced my mom was happy that I was able to get out of my bad marriage. She told me about years ago when numerous friends couldn’t leave their abusive, alcoholic or otherwise unbearable husbands because they had no way out. She was happy I had choices.

I think people assume that since all those oldtime marriages lasted that they were somehow happy marriages. Not! There were alot more miserable people who were simply stuck back then.
Thank goodness divorce isn’t hard. A marriage vow is a promise, it shouldn’t be a prison sentence.

The loss of family values has not only increased the divorce rate, it has also resulted in defective relationships, the proliferation of gangs, drug use, and other criminal activities. It is the parents’ obligation to raise their children in a manner that will give them the best opportunity to be successful in their adult life; sadly this obligation is no longer taken seriously by many in this country.

While there are exceptions and some children are able to learn and apply values on their own, in most cases the failure to pass on family values robs children of the conception of stability and commitment that allows partners to form a healthy relationship. The result is the young adult entering into relationships without understanding the commitment and dedication needed to maintain one and in the end the “defective” relationship is ended as easily as trading in a new car.

I believe another factor is the obsessive focus on sexuality in our society; at a young age, children are taught that their beauty is their greatest asset; this of course is reinforced as they mature by the media through commercials and other televised entertainment. Rather than learn relationship building skills they come to rely on their sexuality in attracting and keeping their mate. While there is much to be said for beauty, it is only skin deep and when personalities conflict without the sincere effort to resolve the issue by both parties, the easiest path is divorce.

We glamorize the rebel, what lesson is this?

This is tricky. You know, in the cases of abusive spouses, the current ease of getting a divorce is really a good thing. In other cases, that’s debatable.

I think, too, that this situation reflects something I was thinking about the other day – kind of the whole materialistic, possessive, entitlement mindset that many people have, and that much of the world accuses Americans of having. I realized this:

I have worked hard, overcome some pretty serious obstacles, and accomplished most of what I have done on my own. But I still haven’t earned all of my successes and possessions like previous generations have – The Greatest Generation coming to mind the most. The rewards of my life are probably “better” than those of my grandparents, and I have surely paid a lesser cost. Therefore, I can’t help but place a different value on them.

I think that that applies to a lot – credit card debt, marriages and divorces, foreclosure rates, general rampant consumerism. Anyway, it’s what I believe, and it’s sad, and I don’t know what to do about it.

The biblical view of marriage is a covenant relationship. Two becoming one. When a man and a woman covenant together to be married and forsake all others, then the commitment becomes the force and glue that holds the relationship together.

We all know people who show great commitment to a cause or a candidate or a principle, and we admire them for it. We are amazed at the tenacity and the sacrifice and the whole-heartedness with which they pursue their commitment. If couples were committed to each other and their marriage in the same way, the divorce rate would plummet.

But there is a secret ingredient to this recipe – the power of God. It is the Holy Spirit that works in us to help us live the life that God has called us to. John 3:16 spells out the path to get that ingredient – Jesus Christ.

Married for life to a precious gift from God, 21 years and counting

~~<~~

Just my two cents, here. I know many have been eagerly awaiting it, too.

I think that the reasons for increased and still increasing divorce rates are many. One is that religion is sliding. Religion, which in most cases, holds divorce to be wrong (i.e. Hinduism, Christianity, etc.), is no longer a focus in many people’s lives. And even for those who make it one, religion has come to accept it as part of life, too. Born-again Christians divorce at a rate of 27%. This in spite of Jesus’ teachings on the matter. (But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. ~Matthew 5:22)

As a divorcee who has become a Christian and remarried, I can see how attitudes within the church have changed. My pastor agreed to marry me and my husband only because I wasn’t a Christian when I got divorced. But he is pretty old-school. I was wondering about the subject aloud to another Christian friend one day, and I got lectured about being too legalistic. I don’t think I was being legalistic; I just didn’t want to date anyone unless I was sure that I could get married eventually.

Another reason is that very few couples discuss their expectations before they tie the knot. My husband and I, while we were engaged, had lengthy discussions about how we both expected our relationship to be, how many children we wanted, how we would resolve conflict, etc. Depite all that, we *still* have had moments where we were really questioning if we could make our marriage work. But, we both agreed before we got married that it would really be until one of us died. And neither of us wants to go to prison for killing the other, so we figure out how to work it out.

I think Dr. Fulbright should have stopped after reason #1. To me, reasons #2 is more of an example of reason #1 than another reason for the high rate of divorce.

I am not writing to bash women. I love women. Frankly, there would be darn few reasons (for me)to be on this earth if there were no women. However, I have noticed something in conversations over the years that appear in some of the other comments. Has anyone else noticed that women say they are “in a bad marriage”. I have never, ever, heard a man say he was “in a bad marriage”. Perhaps I just haven’t spoken with enough men on this topic.

And as far as “empowerment” goes – let me see if I get this straight. Are we saying that empowerment (i.e choices) of women has actually resulted in more “bad marriages”? Go figure.

I think all of the so-called reasons… bad personal decision making. lawyers, legal bias, money, all of it are not “reasons”, but actually the result of one phrase….unrealistic expectations. Too many people enter into marriage thinking this other person will make them happy. They are personally dis-satisified, unhappy people thinking there is ANOTHER person out there that can make them happy. “All I need to do is find that person and I will be happy” Life doesn’t work that way. Another person cannot make you happy or satisfied. We have to do that for ourselves.

And money? Couples don’t fight about money. They use money to fight with each other. ‘Money fights’ are really battles about lack of appreciation, priorities, and yes, expectations. I am just a public school educated male, but do know this – Guys, when the woman is complaining about green’s fees from Saturday golf, she isn’t complaining about the money. She is mad because she works hard for “our” money too and she doesn’t do it so you can spend it on golf..while she is home – with the kids – doing laundry. Lack of appreciation..priorities…expectations.

OK, I’ll walk out on the thin ice and poke the grizzly bear with a short stick. Lack of moral values. For centuries we’ve had the moral compass of the Church, our extended familes (and their faith and morality guided by the Church), and the common decency of every day folk to get us by. We don’t hold higher values to heart anymore because it “might hurt someone’s feelings” or “they’ll feel excluded.” When we stopped holding each other accountable for our collective behaviors (rude conduct in public, adulterous affairs, cheating, etc), we started a downward spiral. Those that point fingers and laugh at conservative values seem to stop laughing when they encounter our well behaved, well adjusted, mannerly offspring. Yes, we have our “bad-seed,” too, but at least those children KNOW we disapprove of their actions. We do not give them a pass, but instead pray/hope they’ll come around.

The same is true of these young, ignorant brats who have an unrealistic view of what a commitment is, be it dating or marriage. Ignorant, as in lack of knowledge, as to what a relationship should be since they had no examples to learn from. Unrealistic, as they’ve had TV and Hollywood educating them as to what relationships are and sorry examples of commitment from selfish parents and shallow actors/actresses. Yes, there are relationships that have lasted and if you ask any them how they did it, the answer is the same as previous comments – they had to work at it. We can only hope that the ones who falter will learn from their mistakes.

Until we start standing up for moral behavior as a whole, the secular progressives will continue to whittle away at our standards of living by making decency the abnormal and the “anything goes” mentality the status quo. I don’t remember which ancient scholar said it or how exactly he put it, but “Once everyone has rights, no one has rights.” We are coming too quickly to the point where the drive to be individual in all things and not responsible for our actions is going to be our downfall. No, I do not think we’re mirroring the Fall of the Roman Empire, it’s just the conservative majority has been sitting in quiet horror watching our great nation implode. Soon we’ll say “Enough!” and demand action from our leaders or step up to the plate ourselves.

In various jobs the term “toolbox” is often used to refer to the various skills we need to perfom our tasks. Morality is a vital one. And it must be one we’re not afraid to use, in public OR private. You don’t HAVE to be a religious person to use this tenent in life – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Simply put, how would you feel if you were treated the way you treat others? What comes around, goes around. The next time you’re abount to do something, no matter how great or small, I ask you to think before you act. You never know who is listening to you or learning from YOUR behavior. Just say “No; ” if you don’t want it repeated, don’t say it, if you don’t want it seen on MySpace, don’t do it, if you don’t want to live to regret it, THINK ABOUT IT before you do it.

So, the next time you’re in a public place blathering loudly on your cell phone about “last weekend’s conquest” and someone gives you a disapproving stare, that might be me. And the opposite is true, too. If you are exceptionally kind, courteous, and helpful or if your children are acting as mature citizens, I will compliment you and/or them and thank you for towing the line and doing the hard job of proper parenting.

Am I judging? No, I’m stating observations from 51 years of life. I challenge you to look around you, see the things that are broken, and help fix them. Quit complaining and be part of the solution, not part of the problem. “Am I not my brother’s keeper?” Yes, we are!

I am a newly divorced man whose ex makes equivalent income and has walked out of the marriage. She gets 50% of my net income along with all assets the house the car Etc… and i have a good ehtical attorney because I chose not to mudlsing for the sake of my children but she went the opposite and hired a sleazy attorney who has a history of perjury felony charges and was a state rep in texas. But because i chose to be morally sound I lost everything including my ex lying and getting a protective order and she has now been through two attorneys because her demands are unreasonable. Why has it come to this all because of she decided that if two days of cou nselingdoesn’t fix it nothing will. WE AS A SOCIETY EXPECT THE FAST FOOD ANSWER AND DONT WANT TO DO ANY WORK TO SUCCEED AND LOOK AT US AS A NATION.

In response to an earlier comment by George: “maturing” and “changing needs” may be an issue, but has that not always been an issue? If this was a valid reason for divorce, then I think these divorce rates would have always been high.

In response to the other comments and blog itself, I would have to say that I would agree that many marriages (unfortunately) are broken by the issue of money. As previously stated, money issues cause tension, whether talked through or not, and this affects the relationship between spouses. But I also believe that the divorce rate is correlative to the slow decay of society’s thoughts on marriage. It is no longer something sacred, something that is permanent; like someone previously stated, it is much easier to “get out” these days, and that makes the idea of ‘forever’ seem not so scary, causing people to dive in without realizing the consequences of marriage.

Marriages take work, just like everything else in this life. Laws of nature tell us that if left alone, entropy takes hold. People just aren’t willing to make those sacrifices anymore, we are not willing to put time into people like we used to. I think everybody can relate to this–not just divorcees.

So many poor responses. A few good ones.

Mr. Caldwell only gave half the answer. We need to stop providing these judgments as the default ruling. Many more judgements are worse than that. Half of everything is only the smallest of the judgements. A more typical ruling would be closer to 2/3’s or more and frequently women are provided with 100% of everything, as the default ruling. Further, Federal Child Support Guidelines provide that the states will collect $7 (+/-) from the feds for every dollar “collected in arrears” by the state. It is now common practice that ALL Child Support is collected throught the state, not paid by one to another. See http://www.true-equality.org for more info.

The redefinition of Love is a major factor in the divorce rate. Love is defined as one thing and one thing only. Committment. All the rest is Lust.

The redefinition of the term Abuse can some up another 95% of the problem. Violence is not an acceptable action or reaction. On the other hand, I am not abusive because I cut up the credit cards to keep us out of the poor house or disagree with my wifes personal or polictical (hardcore feminist) opinion.

God Bless

Frank Pytel

Alan and Alan make excellent points.

I will go on record saying that PMS is a leading cause of divorce. There are men who, no matter what they do, cannot overcome the monthly Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde syndrome as I call it, and most women are in denial over the severity of their problem. They blame it on their husbands instead of seeking help for a real problem that is not so easily/readily diagnosed.

Our marriage of 28 years (so far) has thrived because both of us are ready and willing to make small personal sacrifices for our partner’s benefit. We have learned that keeping one’s partner happy is a key to one’s own happiness.

We never argue about anything less important than our relationship.

i usually dont comment but she suggests women can leave bad marraiges they leave good marriages also just because they lust for others and have no consequences. how conveineint. it is time to redefine divorce to be more equitalbe to men. women have money and then can leave marraige and acutally make money, keep the house, keep the kids, so why not leave if u lust for others if u have no consequences? it is a sweet deceptive setup.

Dr. Yvonne,

You sound a little hypocritical. Maybe you can explain a little more.

In your reason number two it sounds like it’s a good thing for a woman to be “Better educated and with more economic opportunities” so that, “women now have the option of taking care of themselves if they choose to leave a marriage. We don’t have to stay in bad marriages.”

Maybe I am missing something but in reason three divorces happen because “many are choosing to take the easy way out instead of dealing with issues.”

I guess these newly empowered women don’t have to deal with the difficult issues.

I have four daughters (all by the same beautiful and intelligent wife of 15yrs), so I am glad woman have the opportunity to learn and grow as men. But this ignorant competition thing must go.

Of course we are equal, in fact my wife is far superior to me in most areas of life. But only an idiot can’t see that we are different and by those differences have different roles.

“We’re able to take care of ourselves and our children”
Ditch the feminist “sexpert” or we’re ditching foxnews.

While I agree there are many reasons for divorce, the big one (in my opinion) is that many people are living to satisfy self instead of glorying God. When we refuse to glorify the God of the Bible, we become self – centered expecting others to meet our needs and this leads to all kinds of problems.

You forgot methamphetamine. I can’t tell you how many marriages ended with this, including my own. My young wife started running with her dirtbag friends and became one of the many addicts in the US. As hard as I tried I couldn’t turn it around and she abbandoned our children and me. I got custody of the children in the divorce (Praise the Lord), and to this day she only sees them about once a month. I wish less than that for the children’s sake.

Can’t help but comment — “most definitely” ???? Can’t we just say “definitely”?

People are more selfish and immature. In a society where every reality show centers around sacrificing relationships for some monetary or other reward or that one finds true love over the course of 10 episodes, it’s no wonder young people learn that good relationships are disposable. However, a great deal of divorces result from infidelity (the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence-no it looks the same when you graze on it for a while) and abuse. When a woman (or man) is in physical danger from an abusive spouse, risks contracting an STD or Aids from an unfaithful partner or is putting their children in harms way from an abusive spouse, and attempts to change the behavior of the offending spouse are futile, some hard choices have to be made. It’s true, women do not have to “grin and bear it” anymore. However, I wonder how many starry eyed young men and women go into marriages seeing the warning signs but choose to marry anyway. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. If everyone learned to treat their spouse the way they would wish to be treated, there would be a lot more happy and intact households.

It’s my opinion that an extremely large percentage of people who get divorced go into the marriage with unrealistic expectations. They expect that their continued future relationship will still feel the same in the future as it does now. The reason for this is that the exciting emotions of a new love and relationship most certainly cloud and distort the reality of what a marriage really is. The attraction you feel for someone certainly affects any rational decision making process regarding a potential marriage with them. I believe that most get married based on what they feel, not on objective rational, and logical thought. For many, when the exciting stages of dating, engagement, and the honeymoon significantly wane, they are then faced with the reality of marriage. At this point, many want out because they don’t feel like they did at the beginning of the relationship.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

May I suggest reading, Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus, by John Gray.

There’s your reason.

Thank you.

..

First, the stigma attached to divorce is not anywhere near the same as it was during 1900’s. How many of those couples have stayed together for the “kids” and do today to some degree? A great many i would think. Having said that however, I think the biggest reasons for the divorce rate today are 1) unrealistic expectations 2) a lackadaisical attitude where it is easy to blame “the other person” when things go awry 3) and taking the easy way out, a trait which sadly, is endemic in our society today. People, including some of my friends, go into marriage with exactly the mindset you stated, “I can always get out if it turns south”. Imagine if Tiger Woods said this. He hits a bad shot and leaves the tournament. Of course, that ain’t gonna happen. What is needed is what he would do. Buckle down, resolve to not make the same mistake twice, forget it, move on, and then not blame anyone one else for his mistake. That’s why he’s a winner and always will be. If Tiger’s mindset was the attitude of most divorcees, no doubt there would be a lot less divorces. Unfortunately, the easy way out of today, is simply too easy. Who knows, make it really tough to get married, and not vice versa, and there just may not be so many divorces.

America has no morals or foundation. JESUS CHRIST died for all of us. Look to him and these problems will go away. Not all the way but a vast majority. Those of you who are gonna reply with hatred don’t. You are the ones who allow divorce, abortion and gay-marriage. Look for the Biblical answers on Divorce not yours or mine. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Oh baloney. The primary reason for so much divorce is the rewards for women who get divorced are usually enormous, presuming of course the woman is not the primary wage earner. Women get it all! Kids, house, money, retirement, maintanence, summer camp OMG. The key for smart men is to push their wives, prior to the inevitable divorce, to make more money so when they dump them the women get less. And if by some stroke of magic the woman is making more than the man, bingo, it was free tail or maybe even money for the man! In the end divorce is really just the retroactive transformation of marriage into prostitution. If you figure the total cost of what a woman takes in a divorce over the days she was actually married to a man it usually comes out about the same cost as a low end hooker, something between $20-$100 per night. The tragedy of divorce is that women also try to rent their children to their fathers at an hourly rate called child support, and kids generally do poorly with this destruction of their family into a money making enterprise for Moms, psychologists, lawyers, social workers, judges etc. After a divorce the state ultimately raises everyone’s kids, and women finally find a greater purpose in their lives: hatred of their children’s fathers.

Do you think if two people decide to not get married, their chance of having a divorce diminishes?

fred m,
Absolutely, 100% in states like Pennsylvania where we have finally thrown out common law marriage. Why divorce when there are no significant monetary incentives? Of course child rental remains a major incentive for most women. But men still do better if they only pay child rental than child rental AND all the rest.

A social studies professor once stated that in marriages where one or the other spouse kills the other, divorces decrease proportionately. Do you believe this?

The reson for termoil in a marrage is selfishness. “I want what I want, and If I don’t get it then I am going to do what ever it takes to get it.” This is the mentality of a majority of people. I have been married 12 wonderful years and there have been many disagreements between us but I look at every potential agument by telling myself “Is this termoil worth more than my love for my wife and children?” If every man or woman would ask themselves that question, I belive they would be much less quick to anger.
My comment on adultry is that it is flat out wrong. It goes back to that self centered I want what I want and I dont care who I hurt to get it. Is it worth losing everything?
I may sound like I am preaching.,but lthe word love is a verb which requires effort.

May God Bless Anyone that may be going through a storm in there relationship. Just know that anything worth having in life is worth working for.

I got divorced because I was the only one of the two of us who actually took our wedding vows seriously. My ex-husband was a cheating, philandering creep. BOTH partners must value the sanctity of marriage or it’s not going to work. It took me a long time to get the strength and grow the backbone needed to say “enough is enough”. I’m now about to get re-married and my fiance is a man who values the promise to forsake all others. I have no doubt whatsoever that I will not be divorcing a second time. Marriage can only work when both man and woman are on the same page, want to work together to create a happy and loving household, and hold up their end of the bargain. A deal is a deal.

Raimond Verry beat me to it.

“May I suggest reading, Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus, by John Gray.”

Exactly! As much as people (including myself) believe in equality, Men and Women are NOT the same. We communicate in different ways. If we don’t understand each others’ needs, trouble is heading down the road! Reading his books will help you to understand the differences.

My other point is that parents rarely fight “in front of the children” lest it disturb them. It sounds well and good, but children need to see the realities of marriage – that fights do occur, but parents’ still love each other and will work it out. And show them how to resolve it. (something I learned from Gray)

When the words of psychologists, lawyers and second-wave angry feminists hold more sway than the words of parents, children, priests and loving independent women and men, our child-abusive divorce culture is the outcome. I agree with the implication of Fred M’s comments: When legalized marriage disappears, which is more or less certain the way things are going, then divorce will end too. Young men are vastly more reluctant to marry women today. The only safe route for a guy is shacking up. After all, most of them saw their dads get screwed by their moms so they understand what is at stake. Today’s young man REALLY gets it, by seeing how badly his Dad Got it! Women have finally made marriage so toxic for men, that soon women will only be able to find women willing to marry women. Which really isn’t so bad. It is vastly safer for men to be the guys on the side then the ones paying the bills. So maybe in the future women will cheat on their wives with men, cool huh? Also it is the spouse, not the lover, who pays the child support. Viva gay marriage!

I was married for 6 years, we NEVER fought. We just weren’t happy. What we thought was love as a husband and wife should – was not. It was love as best freinds. When we started to realize this we went to counseling. The counselor confirmed our thoughts, and we split. When we told people we were splitting, they were shocked because of the fact that we always got along and never fought.
I do think that most marriages end for this reason, misunderstanding their feelings. Just because you’re best friends with someone does NOT mean you should marry! Sometimes opposites are better than similarities.

Question: What is the #1 thing men can do and women can’t?

Answer: Win the presidency.

Taa daa!!!

It’s so easy for women to divorce (they initiciate 70% of all divorces). The courts and government give them a financial incentive to divorce. In spite of women moving into the workforce due to the government forcing companies to hire women, most women still “marry up”.

The family courts are biased against men to the point that women get the children, alimony, child support, possibly make the man pay for her lawyer, and half the man’s stuff when they don’t deserve it (Paul McCarthy anyone).

Men marry in general for looks.
Woman marry in general for money.

After woman has kids most turn into fat pigs so that leads to divorce.
Woman divorce men when the men can’t provide for them like they used to.

Of course there was other reasons but these two reasons are by far the main reasons divorce occurs. I always chuckle in this PC world that people are afraid to give this information. Come on gals lose some weight and divorce rates will plummet.

I think a big problem also happens to be that women tend to go for the “badguy” Why do women find the “thug” or the “mafia guy” even serial killers, so sexy? Why do they pass over nice guys for a complete arrogant ass that has money(whether he earned his money legally or illigally makes no difference). I know, it`s so these women can cruise in the big gas guzzling SUV`s(which usa invades helpless coutries for more fuel) talking on their cell phones with their girlsfirneds about where to go to lunch after thier shopping spree. Oh and you gotta love how a show like “sex in the cit” potrays men. Why would any man want to be moral when thats does not pay off with the modern woman?

It’s pretty obvious that one of the biggest factors in the failures of marriages is that a majority of men today take no accountability or responsibility for their own behavior.

If you need proof of that, just look through the majority of the comments on this page – “It’s da WIMMEN’S fault!!!” Over and over.

Very telling. Sorry boys, but it takes two to tango.

First off, I’ve been engaged twice already and I have a 3 year old daughter but within the past 6 months of being single, I have learned marriage is just not for everyone. I do not believe the societal stigma that we should all find that “perfect” one and get married blah blah blah blah blah….
First off, I think “bad choices” ties into the structure of society in which we grow up and are taught to get married have a family and live this “perfect american life”. Most people are sheep and just follow what they’re taught instead of reading and making their own decisions into what they believe…..I’m sure a lot of men don’t want to get married but because they don’t want to lose the woman in their life, they’ll go thru with it anyway…Then years later as people grow and mature and they don’t even see eye-to-eye anymore, they want out….DON’T DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Secondly, yes, women are more “independent” nowadays but not all guys are intimidated by that (I love an independent women) but this does add to the fact that a woman won’t stay in an unhappy marriage if she can provide for herself (which she shouldnt!) just like a married man shouldn’t be in an unhappy marriage either. Third, someone said this in the comments above, but there is a HARSH bias towards women in our judicial system…..Apparently women want to be treated equal but in a court of law, they’ve always got the advantage!! And I won’t even get into the unfair parenting bias! And somebody else mentioned that an “independent women” can provide for her and her child….sure they can, when they’re milking the fathers for child support…..I make about $1600 a month and I give my daughters mother $600 (we have an agreement, in court she would get a lot less!) but of course it’s easy for a single mother to survive when she’s getting kick backs from baby daddy. One more thing on this….(i am opposed to violence BTW) but if women are supposed to be treated as equals, why is it the WORST thing in the world if a guy hits a girl??? I thought we were all equals?? Too many women just wanna have their cake and eat it too, so I flip the script on em and just get mine…….

~~~A Happy Bachelor til the day I die~~~~

Good topic. Hope you were expecting a wide range of responses.

Maybe if the govt. got out of our lives instead of creating entitlements for only one sex, marriage would be worth it. Yeah, people make bad decisions but the govt. makes even worse decisions.

My ex wife did not work, did not want to work and will never want to work as long as the govt. and other people keep making excuses for this lazy pos. You can only work a man so much until there is nothing left.

And, this morals outcry is yet another attack on younger people that for some reason can never measure up to previous generations especially the LAZY BOOMERS. Hope you all morally superior people have primary care insurance becuase I do not think after two decades of these remarks there will be a single younger person that would want to help any of you change your diaper.

Son of a preacher and brought up in the church. Not ever going back!

Why do you think we are experiencing an epidemic of divorce in our culture?
Monique

Dear Monique,
Most definitely!

What? Does someone pay you to “write” this crap? Did you get your doctor certificate on the internet?

Reverend Noel

Very interesting discussion. I believe that when women leave the home to get a job, the likelihood for divorce is greater. She becomes less dependent on her spouse for attention & moral support, feels that the children can be taken care of by strangers rather than mommy, and that the income is more beneficial to the family than time spent with one’s spouse & children. (this happens at hubby’s place of business too).
To say that money or lack of it is the cause of divorce is flawed because very wealthy people get divorced too. And then the fight for the money takes on a whole other dimension. The crazy idea that divorce is “taking the easy way out” has everyone not seen the total destruction of home & family? I still can’t forgive my dad for breaking his promise & all the heartache he caused. He’s been dead for 50 years. So,what’s easy about that?

To Objectively Speaking: I’ll begin by quoting your post so readers dont need to search for the post I am responding to.

“It’s pretty obvious that one of the biggest factors in the failures of marriages is that a majority of men today take no accountability or responsibility for their own behavior.

If you need proof of that, just look through the majority of the comments on this page – “It’s da WIMMEN’S fault!!!” Over and over.

Very telling. Sorry boys, but it takes two to tango.”

The fault with this line of thought is that, of course, it takes exactly one to initiate the divorce process. Regardless of the other partners wishes, one partner’s desire to split is almost universally sufficient for a divorce.

Still, if divorces were initiated in equal proportion by both sexes, you would still have a point. But as Non-Redneck pointed out, 70% or so are initiated by women. What this dictates is that, logically, in 70% or so of divorces it is the woman who displays a lack of willingness to work on the issues.

This is, in all probability, due to the massive financial damage a divorce causes to the man and not due to any more selfless reason. You see, one thing that can be said of men and women equally is that we act selfishly for the most part. Sure, most of us do not pursue selfish ends to the point of active and unprovoked harm to others, but as long as we aren’t impinging on someone else’s rights, we act in our own best interest (or our perceived best interest).

What the posters before me have been saying is that for a man who is dissatisfied with their marriage, divorce has many downsides (loneliness, financial disaster, court proceedings). For women, however, loneliness is assuaged by the stronger social connections that women forge, they stand to actually GAIN financially in most cases, and the court proceedings allow a way for them to engage in social violence (airing any dirty laundry in an opportunity to shame or cause social harm to their soon-to-be ex-spouse). Before anyone claims that this last bit about social violence is sexist, I urge you to do research on the behaviors of school-age children and the different ways they act against perceived foes, and you will see that many studies support what I have posited. Besides, I’m not saying that men wouldn’t do this, or don’t try to do this, but they typically have less practice and are just not as good as it in general.

So, it is not (with some foolish exceptions) that the posters have been claiming women are the sole source of marital problems. They have merely, if I have interpreted their posts correctly, that they understand the human propensity for selfish action and see that women are at the very least less penalized by divorce proceedings (and in many cases benefit from them) while men stand only to lose.

the true reason why for the divorce epidemic is simply because it is profitable for women to do so. Women get alimony, child support, child custody, and so on. Among women, divorce is joked about as “cashing out.”

Any man who knows anything at all knows it is simply not worth getting married to an american woman in today’s world.

Divorce has nothing to do with gender inequality/equality, religion, or morals, as far as I’m concerned. It’s one word: communication. If two people can’t communicate with one another, that’s not going to work, and people just aren’t taught valid communication skills anymore. We’re all taught to be nice and happy all the time, just forcing us to internalize our feelings, and then when fights occur they’re horrid. Any couple that enters marriage without having several long talks about exactly what both partners want is asking for a divorce.

I’m engaged right now, and we’ve been engaged for two years. I’ve certainly experienced how people think marriage is an end goal. When my fiance and I tell people that we haven’t set the wedding date, we’ve gotten responses everywhere from “oh well you’re not really engaged then” to “why not? isn’t that the point?”. We haven’t married for several reasons, and I think they’re all valid. One, we live together, and we would like a beautiful wedding for our families since we’re only children, and we can’t afford that. Two, we would like children once we marry, and we cannot support children right now. Three, we simply don’t feel mature enough for it. But so many people think those are negligable reasons! That doesn’t make sense to me…

What REALLY showed me that marriage matters is having two parents that have been married for thirty years showing me how to make it work. And, yes, I saw them fight. It was a good thing. I learned how to handle fights with my fiance. Not fighting in front of the children is honestly toxic to their later udnerstanding of relationships.

I’ve been married for about 5 years and will be getting a divorce very soon. I’m male, 32, my wife is 28. We had a son a bit over 2 years ago, and since that I have pretty much been put on the back burner and left to rot. If I’m lucky, I get sex once a month, and I always have to initiate it, and 9 times out of 10 I get shot down. I’ve talked to her about it numerous times, but nothing changes. Granted, I am not the best husband by any means – I like to stay up late, I like to socialize and go out while she prefers to be a homebody, I play videogames a lot. However, these qualities of mine have been there for decades, she knew how I was before we got married and apparently thought I would change. That’s probably a HUGE factor for divorce now: women assuming their men will change, and men assuming their women won’t change.

As a former divorce lawyer and the author of a divorce guide book for women (He Had It Coming: How to Outsmart Your Husband and Win Your Divorce), my opinion on why there is a divorce epidemic is because spouses don’t treat each other properly or with the respect they deserve to give a life partner, and relationships begin to erode dramatically. I always urge all couples to fully evaluate their reasons for ending a marriage before they take the drastic step of filing divorce papers. Once a marriage is turned into a lawsuit, it is a daunting and draining predicament, as many of us have experienced. We need to be careful that we don’t use divorce as a first option but rather a last resort. Stacy Schneider, Esq.

“able to raise OUR children”
What the hell do you mean by that ???
That the kids are now your own property or that men can’t possibly raise children…

Your a sexist idiot…

Why would any man wanna marry an american woman in the first place, they tend to give it away freely, while they are single. Why buy the cow, when your getting the milk for free, infact it seems that once you get married the cow gets twice the size, but produces very little milk. beware men, stay single

You forgot sexual boredom.

These boots are made for walking,,,,,,,,

Hey John, I agree. I quit dating American women 7 years ago and haven’t look back since and I also have my sanity also. No more staying up late worrying or listening to them whine and throw temper-tantrums. I only date Asian, Arab or European women because they are civilized and respectful and actually look you in the eye when they speak. They’re not afraid to cook and help you emotionally and they like sex, a lot. They are not childish and do not act like idiots.

Time to change the law

With many women having equal to or surpassing their male spouse’s education or incomes, current laws concerning divorce are grossly outdated. Alimony and palimony should be outlawed. Prenuptial agreements should be mandatory before issuing a marriage license.

Wow John, that was both funny and tragic at the same time. I really agree with Dr. Yvonne Fulbright; the fact of the matter is people feed off of social constructs that have marriage as a requisite for happiness, but that also leaves divorce as a viable option. The conflict between our desire for normalcy and our often disasterous sense of self-defence creates a volatile situation, and the easiest path to our own equilibrium is running for the hills.

I think people are just too lazy, stupid and/or deep in denial to properly negotiate their needs and wants in realistic terms. Without finding someone that I’m confident will overtake such barriers, I don’t think I’d ever get married.

There are probably many factors leading to the current divorced rate. Although women may be able to support themselves and the children, they typically don’t have to thanks to the antiquated family law system in this country.

According to the Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Statistics, more than a quarter of working women now make more than their working husbands. Yet, only four percent of divorced women pay alimony to their ex-husbands. Thus, for women, getting married is virtually risk-free from a financial standpoint.

Also, they’re virtually guaranteed to get sole custody of the children in the event of a divorce. They can choose to simply put the children into daycare and collect child support for them.

It’s fashionable to assert that divorce is the result of people acting irrationally, but I’d disagree with this assertion. Women who file for divorce are often acting rationally. The family law system favors them, and they act rationally based on the incentives they correctly perceive to favor this action. And, of course, men are starting to realize getting married is not in their best interests, so more and more are choosing not to get married. This is also rational behavior.

Also, even if one believes no fault divorce should be the law, it’s undeniable that it has contributed to more divorces. No fault divorce is largely the result of the ABA working behind the scenes with state legislators, not public debate. “What made divorce reform an attractive object for the routine policy process was the ability of its advocates to formulate the problem as a matter which required special expertise more than broad public participation.” Herbert Jacob, “The Silent Revolution:The Transformation of Divorce Law in the United States” The University of Chicago Press, 1988 (discussing the Uniform Marriage and Divorce Act).

The laws with respect to family law issues in most states are by and large the result of lobbying efforts by bar organizations, not the will of the people.

The single mother/absent father family structure has now become institutionalized: “It’s just an institutionalized family structure whether we want to recognize it that way or not. We have a system that encourages it.” Jennifer Hamer, Jennifer, PhD, Professor, University of Illinios, African American Studies & Research Program, (quote is from an on line article, Salon Books, “The Myth of the Deadbeat Dad”)

There is a mercenary army that is skilled in the art of removing parents from their children. This army will fight to preserve their pecuniary interests using whatever rubric is required to convince legislators that broken families are a good idea.

It’s time for the people of this country to hold our elected representatives accountable for their actions.

Why get married in the first place?

I really don’t see how this institution (be religious or otherwise) benefits the guy in most cases.

I think it’s a social farce that we keep perpetuating in many cases have created a few profiting industries as a result.