Dr. Keith: Living the Truth – Step Six
Forgive others and yourself.
One of the hurdles of seeking out the pain in your past and turning it into your power is that it can feel as if you are blaming others for your misfortune, including people you love (for example, your parents).
It is common for people to pause at the door of self-discovery and say, I don’t want to make it seem like my parents are responsible for what I am going through. But, that’s like a cop-out.
This worry reflects a core misunderstanding of the goal of Living the Truth.
Living the Truth isn’t only about empowering yourself by refusing to pull away from your own pain. It is about realizing that your parents (or anyone else) were limited by the same very human, very understandable, yet very toxic dynamics that you were.
In doing this work, you will finally have learned to embrace your life story, good and bad. You have seen how you buried pain and disappointment behind shields that didn’t reflect your best self or demonstrate to people your true regard or love for them. If you can accept the actions of people who hurt you, you might be able to acknowledge that they, like you – like most people – were doing the best they could. You might be able to look at your father’s anger and see the tragic influence of his own father’s alcoholism. You might be able to recognize in your competitive sister the inevitable result of the extreme pressure your parents put on her to succeed.
When we allow ourselves to see beyond people’s actions to their pasts, we take ourselves from anger to empathy. This is the path to forgiveness.
Of course, the most important person to forgive is yourself. It is very difficult to forgive ourselves, because we know both our weaknesses and capabilities so intimately. We can always envision a million and one ways we could have been better, or have avoided a failure or loss. It helps sometimes to imagine someone we love who has struggled with her own demons. Would you give her permission to forgive herself for everything she has done that is not perfect, every misstep she has made in his own attempt to avoid pain and outrun the truth? If so, can you imagine extending a similar kindness to yourself?
You might find it useful to mark your decision to live a life in forgiveness. We celebrate things like graduations and weddings; why not celebrate the day you decided to stop living in the resentments of the past in favor of living in the hope and promise of the future? There’s no need to be formal or to involve anyone but yourself. Simply writing down the date and a statement about who you have been angry at, and that it is your firmest intention to let that anger go, may be a sufficiently powerful gesture.
Forgiveness isn’t something we do once and then forget about. It is a daily practice. After we have told people we forgive them, we show them by treating them with respect and kindness, and not letting underhanded remarks or lapsed responsibilities remind them that they somehow still “owe us.” We show forgiveness to our own parents not just by treating them better, but by being better parents to our children. The amazing thing is that by forgiving others, we are forgiving ourselves. We give ourselves the opportunity to live without rage. We resolve that unhealthy dynamics and patterns that have ruled our family for generations are going to stop with us.
Living the Truth means feeling the pain of the past; forgiving those who blindly inflicted it on us, and resolving to do better for those we love. This is the highest form of human existence.
Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com.
Tags: Dr. Keith Ablow, family, Living the Truth, love, Self-forgiveness
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Dear Dr. Keith:
When I read your article on “Forgiveness” I thought I was reading one of those “feel-good”, “You-can-do it”, “Pull -Yourself -Up-by-Your-bootstraps thinking. You forget that many of these so-called “demons” that people have are due to their own free will and the bad choices that many people choose to make. Many, if not most, people do not choose the moral or ethical decision but use any psychological mechanism to exonerate themselves. I recently experienced a betrayal of trust that left me with a great deal of bitterness. It was not only a betrayal of trust but a case of injustice. It wasn’t until I let God deal with the problem, with MY ANGER AND HURT that I could say “I forgive.” I came across a website that explained to me WHAT forgiveness is and what it is NOT. I always believed that forgiveness is an emotional response. At that time, and a very long time, I could not find any feelings of empathy or any feelings except anger, hurt, rage, betrayal etc. What this article taught me was that forgiveness comes not from your feelings, but rather from your WILL. I also learned that, and I have searched myself on this, that feelings are the LEAST dependable benchmark of any healing, be it psychological, emotional, or spiritual! God will do “surgery” on my feelings but at least I can control MY WILL. And that, will hasten my healing process and the venomous feelings that come from those who choose to hurt you. I do not excuse those people who have willingly made the decision to hurt, humiliate, or betray my trust! I used to have a very “Christian outlook towards people” but now I have turned 180 degrees in my thinking! Trust, like friendship is earned. There is a lot of truth to that old saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Maybe not contempt, but more like disrespect for that individual’s feelings and that individual’s space or privacy!
Dr. Keith, before I encountered the treachery of some people who I once considered “Christian” I would always go “that extra mile” for others and would always find it in me to forgive others small faults. But because I encountered some gross treachery, I have decided that people must be held accountable for their actions which should never be explained as simple faux paux or demons.
I have come to the conclusion that treachery and demons has become so “trivialized” that the importance of personal accountability for their own actions has been conveniently, if not intentionally excused away or overlooked!
I have found this to be a very effective advice.
Dr. Ablow,
I have been diagnosed with major depression, severe social anxiety, generalized anxiety and PTSD. The PTSD stems from remembering who it was that molested me when I was four. It was my own mother. When I remembered, it hit me so hard that I cried and vomitted for two days. I was in my 40s when I remembered, not in therapy at that time. I am in therapy now and I am 52.
The memory of that event when I was four is a last memory until sometime during the year I was six. I had “gone away” for a least a year and a half. I couldn’t understand, then, why my favorite pajamas didn’t fit when I had “just worn them” a few days before. I don’t remember our family moving-we just “suddenly” lived in a different house. My older brother tells me there was a time when I refused to answer to my own name.
Since the day I remembered, I have connected many other events-my mom teaching me to flirt with grown men, her displaying my genetalia to someone else (I woke up while she was doing it, I was 7), her attempts to make me model black lace bikini panties for my father when I was 12. There are many more instances.
What I am afraid of is suddenly remembering “new” things. What if it happens while I’m driving or babysitting my grandchildren. Will it be easier or worse than the last regaining of memory. I have asked my therapist about hypnosis, and while he did not completely trash the idea, he did say it takes a very well trained person to do it correctly and he doesn’t have that training.
I can feel more nasty, painful memories trying to surface, like some sort of creatures slithering just beneath my skin. I still have contact with my mother and have never confronted her with what I’ve remembered. My own children do not believe my memories-their sweet old grandmother just couldn’t be guilty of such a thing. That hurts more than I can say.
Sending me to a clergy member won’t help because I am an atheist-an atheist who envies people with faith. It’s not a “turning away frm God” thing. It’s not a belief I CHOSE. It simply is.
I’d appreciate anyadvice from you, Dr. Ablow-and thank you for taking the time to read this.