I have been diagnosed with major depression, severe social anxiety, generalized anxiety and PTSD. The PTSD stems from remembering who it was that molested me when I was four. It was my own mother. When I remembered, it hit me so hard that I cried and vomitted for two days. I was in my 40s when I remembered, not in therapy at that time. I am in therapy now and I am 52.

The memory of that event when I was four is a last memory until sometime during the year I was six. I had “gone away” for a least a year and a half. I couldn’t understand, then, why my favorite pajamas didn’t fit when I had “just worn them” a few days before. I don’t remember our family moving-we just “suddenly” lived in a different house. My older brother tells me there was a time when I refused to answer to my own name.

Since the day I remembered, I have connected many other events-my mom teaching me to flirt with grown men, her displaying my genetalia to someone else (I woke up while she was doing it, I was 7), her attempts to make me model black lace bikini panties for my father when I was 12. There are many more instances.

What I am afraid of is suddenly remembering “new” things. What if it happens while I’m driving or babysitting my grandchildren. Will it be easier or worse than the last regaining of memory. I have asked my therapist about hypnosis, and while he did not completely trash the idea, he did say it takes a very well trained person to do it correctly and he doesn’t have that training.

I can feel more nasty, painful memories trying to surface, like some sort of creatures slithering just beneath my skin. I still have contact with my mother and have never confronted her with what I’ve remembered. My own children do not believe my memories-their sweet old grandmother just couldn’t be guilty of such a thing. That hurts more than I can say.

Sending me to a clergy member won’t help because I am an atheist-an atheist who envies people with faith. It’s not a “turning away frm God” thing. It’s not a belief I CHOSE. It simply is.

I’d appreciate anyadvice from you, Dr. Ablow-and thank you for taking the time to read this.

When I read your article on “Forgiveness” I thought I was reading one of those “feel-good”, “You-can-do it”, “Pull -Yourself -Up-by-Your-bootstraps thinking. You forget that many of these so-called “demons” that people have are due to their own free will and the bad choices that many people choose to make. Many, if not most, people do not choose the moral or ethical decision but use any psychological mechanism to exonerate themselves. I recently experienced a betrayal of trust that left me with a great deal of bitterness. It was not only a betrayal of trust but a case of injustice. It wasn’t until I let God deal with the problem, with MY ANGER AND HURT that I could say “I forgive.” I came across a website that explained to me WHAT forgiveness is and what it is NOT. I always believed that forgiveness is an emotional response. At that time, and a very long time, I could not find any feelings of empathy or any feelings except anger, hurt, rage, betrayal etc. What this article taught me was that forgiveness comes not from your feelings, but rather from your WILL. I also learned that, and I have searched myself on this, that feelings are the LEAST dependable benchmark of any healing, be it psychological, emotional, or spiritual! God will do “surgery” on my feelings but at least I can control MY WILL. And that, will hasten my healing process and the venomous feelings that come from those who choose to hurt you. I do not excuse those people who have willingly made the decision to hurt, humiliate, or betray my trust! I used to have a very “Christian outlook towards people” but now I have turned 180 degrees in my thinking! Trust, like friendship is earned. There is a lot of truth to that old saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Maybe not contempt, but more like disrespect for that individual’s feelings and that individual’s space or privacy!

Dr. Keith, before I encountered the treachery of some people who I once considered “Christian” I would always go “that extra mile” for others and would always find it in me to forgive others small faults. But because I encountered some gross treachery, I have decided that people must be held accountable for their actions which should never be explained as simple faux paux or demons.

I have come to the conclusion that treachery and demons has become so “trivialized” that the importance of personal accountability for their own actions has been conveniently, if not intentionally excused away or overlooked!