Dr. Keith,

I found your article to be very thought-provoking, and I agree with you on a number of points.

However, I find a lot I disagree with in your statement “What is called for is a system of graduated aid to families in psychological distress. This has to begin with case finding—perhaps through the schools—and continue through a spectrum of services, including parenting courses, child counseling and medication clinics, respite services and, yes, beefed up options for good foster care and adoption.”

While your intentions are good, your “system of graduated aid” would probably do more harm than good. It would likely result in the creation of another self-sustaining government bureaucracy. School special education departments and state child services are already notorious for never taking anyone off the lists of those who need counseling; the more people that need help the bigger their budgets. This new bureaucracy you propose would have far-reaching powers and responsibilities, which would make it prone to unintentional abuse by employees — look up the examples of what kids have been suspended for under “zero tolerance” policies — and intentional abuse by certain segments of the public — notably bitter ex-spouses in the midst of unpleasant custody fights. Finally, this new bureaucracy that provides everything from counseling to foster care and medication would be a target and punching bag for the thousand-and-one special-interest groups who worry about how kids are or should be raised.

Are there clearly parents out there who are overwhelmed? Yes. Would it do them and other parents a world of good to have programs somewhere that they could turn to? Yes. Should those programs be administered by a government bureaucracy that is effectively a massive expansion of child services and that has lowered the bar for government supervision and intervention from “abuse” to being a “family in psychological distress”? No.

Teenagers with bad attitudes, opportunities for kids to get into trouble, kids wanting to be lazy and goof off, parents and kids having psychological quirks or even outright psychological problems — none of these things just magically appeared in the last twenty years. How did previous generations deal with them? And if the solutions of previous generations were not perfect, can we at least try to learn from them?

Dr. Keith,

I found your article to be very thought-provoking, and I agree with you on a number of points.

However, I find a lot I disagree with in your statement “What is called for is a system of graduated aid to families in psychological distress. This has to begin with case finding—perhaps through the schools—and continue through a spectrum of services, including parenting courses, child counseling and medication clinics, respite services and, yes, beefed up options for good foster care and adoption.”

While your intentions are good, your “system of graduated aid” would probably do more harm than good. It would likely result in the creation of another self-sustaining government bureaucracy. School special education departments and state child services are already notorious for never taking anyone off the lists of those who need counseling; the more people that need help the bigger their budgets. This new bureaucracy you propose would have far-reaching powers and responsibilities, which would make it prone to unintentional abuse by employees — look up the examples of what kids have been suspended for under “zero tolerance” policies — and intentional abuse by certain segments of the public — notably bitter ex-spouses in the midst of unpleasant custody fights. Finally, this new bureaucracy that provides everything from counseling to foster care and medication would be a target and punching bag for the thousand-and-one special-interest groups who worry about how kids are or should be raised.

Are there clearly parents out there who are overwhelmed? Yes. Would it do them and other parents a world of good to have programs somewhere that they could turn to? Yes. Should those programs be administered by a government bureaucracy that is effectively a massive expansion of child services and that has lowered the bar for government supervision and intervention from “abuse” to being a “family in psychological distress”? No.

Teenagers with bad attitudes, opportunities for kids to get into trouble, kids wanting to be lazy and goof off, parents and kids having psychological quirks or even outright psychological problems — none of these things just magically appeared in the last twenty years. How did previous generations deal with them? And if the solutions of previous generations were not perfect, can we at least try to learn from them?

Dr. Keith,

I heard you on Fox talking about the attitude of kids concerning smug kids. I think teaching self-esteem to the kids has contributed to this. You may want to look at Roy F. Baumeister at Florida State University. He has an article in which he says that teaching self-esteem creates this problem of smugness and other problems as well.

Self-esteem he says should be dropped and humility and self control taught in its place.

Dr. Ablow,

Your story had, I believe, a decided sway toward the parents being challenged by the difficulties of raising “special” children as the reason people grow so desperate that they surrender their kids. Back in the sixties, when I was 2yrs old, my mother left me and my two older siblings with a babysitter and kept going. My 22 yr old, alcoholic father was incapable of caring for us and we were placed in a dependent children’s facility run by a nuns’ order. After six years, when it became obvious that both parents were comfortable with the status quo and would not be reclaiming us, the court deemed them unsuitable and ordered us to become wards of the state. I spent sixteen years of my childhood in an orphanage, fighting the stigma often attached to my upbringing. For some reason, people assumed that the orphanage residents were juvenile delinquents or children who were emotionally disturbed or mentally impaired in some way. It was through no behavior of my own that I ended up where I did. My parents simply opted to shun their responsibilities because they found it too difficult. To add insult to injury, my father later remarried and had two more children, whom he raised at home, while we remained state wards. Amazingly, we are all fairly well adjusted, contributing members of society in spite of our very challenging childhoods. At no time were we psychologically impaired, though who knows what might have happened to us had we been allowed to remain in our parents’ custody or shuffled around in the severely flawed foster care system (adoption was apparently never an option).

Alternatively, I think orphanages offer a certain stability that is grossly lacking in the foster care system. To quote Richard McKenzie, a proponent of rethinking the orphanage for the 21st century:

“More than 600,000 children were in foster care in 1992, up by more than 50 percent since 1986. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of children are waiting to be placed in foster homes. The percentage of children in foster care who had been in the system for two to three years increased from less than 11 percent in 1983 to nearly 16 percent in 1990. The percentage of foster care children in the system for three to five years rose from less than 12 percent in 1983 to almost 17 percent in 1990. All the while, the percentage of children adopted out of foster care declined from 12 percent in 1983 to less than 8 percent in 1990.”

I can only assume that these statistics have continued to grow. McKenzie goes on to say:

“Foster care was always intended to be temporary. But one out of every 10 children in foster care can expect to spend more than seven years in the system, making it effectively permanent. For too many children, foster care will also be unstable. Twenty-three percent of foster care children will have two placements, another 20 percent will have three to five placements, and yet another 7 percent will have more than seven placements. Many can expect to go through dozens of placements. ”

I think I took the long route around simply to say that if a parent needs help and can’t get it any other way than by surrendering her children, there should be a way for her to do so without penalty. Sometimes, it may be the only chance the child will ever have at a decent life.

Comment by Wayne
November 20th, 2008 at 4:23 pm Dr. Keith,

I heard you on Fox talking about the attitude of kids concerning smug kids. I think teaching self-esteem to the kids has contributed to this. You may want to look at Roy F. Baumeister at Florida State University. He has an article in which he says that teaching self-esteem creates this problem of smugness and other problems as well.

Self-esteem he says should be dropped and humility and self control taught in its place.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yes. Heaven forbid we raise children to become adults that can rationalize and think for themselves. We need more betas in the world, most notebly the United States anyways.

____________

“Are there clearly parents out there who are overwhelmed? Yes. Would it do them and other parents a world of good to have programs somewhere that they could turn to? Yes. Should those programs be administered by a government bureaucracy that is effectively a massive expansion of child services and that has lowered the bar for government supervision and intervention from “abuse” to being a “family in psychological distress”? No”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I have to wonder what your stance on the choice of an abortion is. The argument against pro-choice is that every single human life is sacred, and those who cannot help themselves should be able to look unto others for the help that they need (i.e. the fetus looks to us). So, does that sanctity of human life mentality disappear after the said child is born? It seems as soon as a child becomes a teenager, that’s grounds for dismissal from any help from the government or the people of America because of the unforgivable sin of actually being a teenager. This article brings to light a very good point, in that most of us do not realize the struggle and the hardships that so many of our family, friends, neighbors, and countrymen are facing. The reponses to this article show us that we are all too ready to turn the other cheek and ignore the need for a solution when the problem is revealed right before us.

As well, the statement about these problems not being new is a correct one. There are just as many hardships now as there were 50 years ago; the Internet and the advances in technology have given us the opportunity to learn about these awful circumstances. Now, pleading ignorance is no viable excuse anymore.

Your Humble Observant,
Silence Do Good

Gee, do ya thunk it could be because the kids are raising them selves? Mommy and Daddy are at work all day, kiddies home alone. What is this, the third generation of this style of living in this manner?

Mommie and Daddy did drugs growing up, gee, what is wrong with the kiddies following in their footsteps?

Gee, go figure, it is only going to get worse.

If it is to much trouble, if the parents don’t want to devote the time and energy to child rearing then perhaps a few classes in school to highlight the efforts needed to raise a child. Hmmm, never mind, the left control the schools so it would be a joke with nothing learned or accomplished.

Evan, Texas

AMEN! I have two teenagers and even though I would never abandon them, sometimes they push me right to the edge! Something about the ages 13-17 turns girls into irrational beings. Thank goodness mine are almost grown!

I worked for 5 years in the Maryland juvenile services and I worked with children from 8 years to 18 years old. Once, two parents brought their 16 year old son who never gave them a problem, was a B average student, to the police because they did not want to deal with him. The state put this 16 year old in juvenile ‘prison’ for the summer. It was 30 days and then the parents did not show up so another 30 days. Then 3 days before school was to start, the parents requested the courts to release their son. Where had the parents been? They were in Europe for the summer!
After his release, this son turned into the person the parents claimed him to be. Eventually, an older brother came from North Carolina and was given custody.

So sometimes, it really is the parent.

I raised three children. As parents, we both worked and we were continually involved in the life of our children. They are now grown. Two have finished college and another decided to quit college after two years, but has always worked. The problems along the way we worked through. Some things might not have gone the way I wanted, but I did not abandon my children and neither did their mother.

We were involved with schools, involved in their religious training, read to them and they to us, kept up with changing technology while we taught them to be careful about the wrong side of society.

Personally, it’s HELL being a parent! Especially today and yet we can survive it but parents have to stay involved. Children come first and not a parent’s need to live a happy life, over the life of their children. The parent can do that when the kids are grown.

I was not a father who gave in to my children and I was not a father who was controlling. There is a middle ground and it is a constant balancing act. We make mistakes but we continue to be a parent. (I am not speaking about illegal mistakes). How can a parent give up a child because the child is causing problems? If a parent does not stick up for their child, who does?

My parents split before I was born and I did not have the benefit of ever seeing my parents together even in a room. One was extremely controlling and the other whatever happened was okay. Both were extremes in how not to parent.

Dr. Ablow,

Your article hits it on the head. I wish more individuals and the lawmakers paid more attention to what is happening in society with our children. I have fought for my son to be somewhere that he can get the treatment and the care needed to be and stay safe. My family was torn apart not by him, but by a combination of things such as no enough services and a slow reacting Department of Social Services. My sotry and the story of my son is posted on a website that I created, http://www.savingmyfamily.com

Thank you
Charles M. Russo