Dr Fulbright, what is the cause of 60 per cent of married women having affairs outside of their marriage?

T

I can’t overemphasize the importance of this subject. As a man, nothing is more exciting than when my wife takes the lead and becomes playful and lets go of her inhibitions. Men want to know that they excite their lovers. That they are truly desired and that their women can’t keep their hands off them. Yes, it can take a woman some time to “warm up” but when that is always the case, lovemaking begins to feel like work for the man. No one wants to feel like they have to convince their partner to be sexually turned on by them. When a women just lies there, that’s what it begins to feel like.

Ted,
I’m worried about the women having affairs inside of their marriage.

Oh if only my wife would believe this.

I am a naughty and nasty, kind of gal, to the point whereas; I do not need instructions or guidance on how to fancy and satisfy my significant other. “But, I’m not bragging or boasting, neither. I just thought that I’d toss that in! LOL!

What gives this woman the right to give any advice at all on any topic? Does she respect the views of orthodox Christians, Jews, & Muslims? Or is it a IT IS ALL ABOUT ME philosophy?
I have many doubts & questions!

Terry…HUH? Seriously?
I have NO idea how a healthy relationship in the bedroom is bad for a marriage, nor do I see how it is against any faith.
I didn’t realize women are to sit there & be so completely submissive to a man, that her needs don’t matter.
Believe it or not? MANY men feel MORE fulfilled when a woman shows how much she’s enjoying herself because of him.

Can’t help wondering why you take issue with this…

Good Grief, Terry. That’s why most women are afraid to let their inner sexual being come out, because of stupid and baseless comments like that. If men will note, women are slowly starting to let go of all the pressures placed on them by society. They are now having more intense orgasms. To the point they are projecting. Now THAT’s change we can all believe in!!

Terry… WTF????
When it comes to sex— IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!!
Or could it possible be that you are of the mindset that “women” have no right to enjoy sex??
Dude, I feel sorry for your wife!

I agree completely with Mark (above) and with Dr. Yvonne. Boring sex with a significant other makes it more of a chore, and will make a man or woman look elsewhere. Personally, I don’t have this problem – I presently have a God-send of a woman!!! But nearly all of my male friends (and about 75% of my female friends), who are married or are in a relationships, look for other opportunities when they aren’t satisfied at home. COMMUNICATION is key to a happy relationship – especially in the sexual arena.

Maybe the young lady’s reticence to really let go in bed has something to do with the fact that her boyfriend hasn’t given her a sufficient token of the steadfastness of their relationship. Something like a “wedding ring.”

What gives her the right is the fact that shae has an opinion and some education to back it up. Also, her opinion fits in perfectly with the Muslim, Christian and Jewish religions. She told the woman to have fun having sex with her HUSBAND! Not have an affair. How is a wife enjoying being with her husband a sin? Seriously man, exercise a little common sense.

As a man that has been around the world and been with almost every type of girl out there, I feel I must add that a woman who expresses herself during sex is far more pleasurable and pleasured during love-making. In each encounter where my partner just laid there silently, I lost interest half-way through and no longer felt any respect for them. Thus it became a terrible relationship. Whereas on the other side of the girl, the girl I am currently with read this article and took it to heart (and showed me so). The satisfaction for either of us has yet to cease. Our relationship has been on a constant rise because we, as a couple, are becoming bolder in our “experiences” at different times and places. I highly recomend this, from a man’s perspective, to any woman that stumbles across this article.

Dear Yvonne,

I am a lesbian female and I have been with my girl for almost 6 years. I love her very much and we are raising our wonderful children together. For some reason lately I have been feeling like I want to go out and meet other people, but I’m not a cheater. I am very committed to our relationship, but I don’t know why I feel this way. She really doesn’t work, but helps a lot with the children. It’s like she the stay at home mom and I am the one that goes to work. But she makes sure that I don’t have to worry about nothing and makes sure I get my rest. I just lately being feeling like I want to go out and I don’t know meet someone. The funny thing about it I am feeling very attracted to white females. I am still attracted to all females but lately to them. I go with a stud or some people would call her butch. I am now more into femmes like me. I am so confused I don’t know what to do. What type of advice do you have for me. Listen also I’m not confused about who I am. I am a very LESBIAN FEMALE. I love women to death. Can you help with some advice.

Man Yvonne you are one sexy woman. I also felt I needed to tell you that. I have been going thru some of your articles and your picture is sexy. This is not a come on or anything like that. I just wanted to let you know I think that you are sexy as hell. I know you are probably a straight so no disrespect. I will never disrespect a female or her sexuality. I don’t come on to straight women and I’m not attracted to bisexual women. I am a lesbian female and only talk to lesbian females who know who and what they want. WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Yvonne is there some way that I can talk to you. I don’t have a computer at home and I work 3rd shift at a place that only give me limited access to the internet. I just want some response from you or other lesbian females who can help me out with my question that I have asked of you. What does a female in love with her partner, committed, and very faithful, but is having erges to mingle with other females. I love beautiful women but I believe in comittment. I believe in relationships. I also believe in being happy. What to do????????????

Terry, I am a devout Christian, in fact, my husband is senior pastor of a non-denominational church. As a Christian wife, I am called to submit to my husband, but hat has nothing to do with enjoying myself with him in our most intimate moments. He is called to love me with a self-sacrificing love which includes demostrating his love for me in our intimate life. My husband wants me to be engaged, to tell him what I want and to guide him, if necessary – not lay there like a dead fish. If you think that just because you are religious (I couldn’t tell from your comment what religion you adhere to) you are destined to a boring intimate life with your spouse, you are sorely mistaken. God gave us the gift of sex to be shared and thoroughly enjoyed with our spouse. Let loose and enjoy!

Interesting, while your ideas promote all acceptances of doing ‘almost’ anything among consenting adults – and, while you admonish achieving only desired heightened erotic results for a moment … where is the glue that keeps a relationship together?

Sex is not commitment. Sex is a ‘binder’ which drives people toward one another – many, many unhappy people have yet to admit sex is not enough to keep people or relationships together. Intimacy is relationship NOT merely sex. Where is commitment within your world view? In order for individuals to ensure healthy, mutual caring for one another and self-care, commitment must exist for security beyond romance or eroticism. Evidence of healthy well-balanced and well adjusted population remain those who are married. Statistically traditionally married people still live longest of any people within any region on earth. Clearly – committed people live longer.

People are not designed for continual binding and repeated ripping apart within intimacy. Sex is more than flash and doing something physical – sex is only part of intimacy & is immeasurably intricate and should never be disdained with cavalier attitudes as creates unhappiness w/out commitment. In short term you promote gratification fun for now but akin Freddie Mac ruin, eventually behavioral fallacies also certainly catch up as long term a ‘goddess’ world view is a party upon the greatest cruise ship of renown – the Titanic. All authenticity is eventually tested

Interesting, while your ideas promote all acceptances of doing ‘almost’ anything among consenting adults – and, while you admonish achieving only desired heightened erotic results for a moment … where is the glue that keeps a relationship together?

Sex is not commitment. Sex is a ‘binder’ which drives people toward one another – many, many unhappy people have yet to admit sex is not enough to keep people or relationships together. Intimacy is relationship NOT merely sex. Where is commitment within your world view? In order for individuals to ensure healthy, mutual caring for one another and self-care, commitment must exist for security beyond romance or eroticism. Evidence of healthy well-balanced and well adjusted population remain those who are married. Statistically traditionally married people still live longest of any people within any region on earth. Clearly – committed people live longer.

People are not designed for continual binding and repeated ripping apart within intimacy. Sex is more than flash and doing something physical – sex is only part of intimacy & is immeasurably intricate and should never be disdained with cavalier attitudes as creates unhappiness w/out commitment. In short term you promote gratification fun for now but akin Freddie Mac ruin, eventually behavioral fallacies also certainly catch up as long term a ‘goddess’ world view is a party upon the greatest cruise ship of renown – the Titanic. All substance shall be tested w/truth

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 53 YEARS… WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO HOLD ME… I COULD BE SOMEONE WHO COULD BE WARM AND TENDER…. NANCY

Sounds like great advice, but she’s been extremely passive our whole marriage, and thete’s no way she’ll take any initiative. Soooo-with that said, are you doing anything in the near future? Carl

Steve Doherty: There is nothing in her answer that could or should not be applied to a married couple. True, the OP said ‘boyfriend’ but this could mean a decades-long committed relationship, where they may not feel the need to be Married. Read some of the other replies as well …! People in a good long-term relationship should feel good about their intimate relationship with their spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, which helps them bind together.

Can anyone help me with my problem? Lesbian female here who is in a loving relationship that has been going on for almost 6yrs. I am not a cheater because I just don’t believe in that. I don’t want to cheat at all, but lately I have been feeling like I want to interact with another female. It isn’t just any female its with a white female and I have never dated outside of my race. Sometimes when I see a really fine, sexy, sophisticated female I just want to say something to her but I don’t. I love sophisticated women no matter what race they are. A women who knows what she want how to get it. I just feel like I am wrong for having these feelings and there is nothing wrong with my relationship. I respect all women for whatever their preference be. Straight or gay. I’m not into bisexuals and I don’t flirt with straight women. I just want (I don’t know) to have some fun with a staight up lesbian female. Am I wrong to feel this way when I have someone at home who loves me to death? Am I’m wrong to feel attracted to other females when I’m in a committed relationship? Am I wrong to take this female and wanting to make love to her mind and body? Am I wrong in wanting to pleasure and please her? I just need some feed back. Let me know what yall think about this situation.

I am a christian as well, and I have to wonder who these people are on here who question the validity of having a good sex life in marriage. It’s not all about women being non-person slaves, you realize this, right? You seem to be of the opinion that the woman should just lie there like a rag doll and take what you give her and she’ll like it. There is no harm to empowering women in marriage, relationships are about equality, not uncompromising domination.

Steffanie, I have concern about your “comments”.
1st you stress that you are in a “loving relationship that has been going on for almost 6yrs”
2nd you say that “I am not a cheater because I just don’t believe in that”
Then you go on to say that you WANT to be with someone else.

OK THIS is my problem with that….

IF you are in a loving relationship, you should not WANT to be with anyone else.
IF you WANT to be with someone else, you should Let your partner know your feelings so that the 2 of you can deal with it.
It may be that you have come to the end of the road with your current situation and are in denial about it. The other thing you need to take into consideration is that if/when you do what you are going to do, you are going to hurt your partner a great deal. People who Love each other do NOT intentionally set out to hurt each other. You need to be open and honest with your partner because you are cheating her out of a REAL loving relationship by trapping her in a relationship where she has no real future.

Hello Ronda,

I first want to say Thank You for replying. I understand completely why you would have a problem. Let me just clarify some things. I want to say that I am not a cheater. Never have been. I can’t really explain why I am having these feelings. There is nothing wrong with our relationship at all. I love her very much. With all my heart. I will not do anything to hurt her, she is to special for me to do that. This is something that I am going through myself and confused a little of why. Why do I have these feelings? Why do I want to be with someone not in relationship wise, but more physical? This is something that I can’t talk to her about because its more of a me problem. I need to work this out on my own. That is why I am thankful for you that you replied because I just really need someone on the outside for some advice about this. It was never my intention to actually go out and cheat. I just don’t know why I am having these feelings. I have been a lesbian for 6.5 years and she is the 2nd female that I had got involve with, so you can say I have only been with 2 women. I am very clear on who I am as a lesbian female and women is who I am attracted to mentally and physically. I just want(I don’t know) what I want. Let me know what you think. I know this is messed up.

Well… some of those comments are totally off-base and out on other subjects.

What bothers me about this question is the way it’s phrased. The OP states her boyfriend wants her to be… not that she wants to be. No one addressed that. This woman might be “sexual enough” for the sake of argument. Did it occur to anyone they might just have varied sex drives? Varied ways of expressing their sexuality? It’s not necessarily something the OP is doing “wrong,” and I think most of the answers skipped over the fact she never once mentions SHE wants to change.

Changing for the sake of someone else, no matter how much you love them, doesn’t work. Changing for your own sake, because you were inspired by something someone you love said or did, is a far more useful path.

I have the opposite problem. We’ve been married 13 years and of course after children you tend to fall into a rut especially now since they are older and it’s harder to “fool them.” Our house is very small so privacy is obsolete.
I am very sexual and don’t have much of a problem letting myself go but he is a very laid back, shy and passive personality so I don’t get too much “letting go” from him. I’ve communicated this to him MANY, MANY times how I would love for him to tell me his fantasies, do things to me, talk to me, etc. I’m a take charge type of personality in life but there are sometimes where I would like to be taken charge of and not the other way around.
I envy the thought of a man dominating me in a desirable way, even rough and passionate but I rarely get that from my husband. He’s loosened up a little bit more over the past year some. It’s just that I know how everything is going to play out in the bedroom even before it happens.
Yes, I’m sure that I need to do some things too on my part. After children your body isn’t what it used to be so you can help but feel a little self conscious on that part. Not that I’m *fat* but the tummy area could use a tuck here and there-LOL
I would like to know how men perceive their wives’ bodies after children when it’s not what it used to be? Do you find your wife unattractive in all honesty but still love her or do you look at it as “this is the body that gave me our beautiful children.” type of mindset and not care?

Steffanie,
Honey the best I can tell you is this…
Every single person has “fantasies”. Not everyone acts upon them.
Some fantasies should be acted upon if they can be done without hurting others.
Some should not… plain and simple.
As a bi-sexual female I do not say this because of your lifestyle, but might I suggest if this desire has become “obsessive” perhaps counseling is in order.
Best of luck to you Steffanie.

Awesome blog….very useful resource…thanks for the post.
-Bernadette