- “For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt.” Are you serious? Kum-Ba-ya My lord… Kum-Ba-Ya…..

- “In making sure this doesn’t happen again, a woman needs to figure out why she ultimately put out. Is it that she wanted to please her partner (not a bad thing)? Is it because she felt obligated to – that it was her duty as his partner?”

Maybe I have to figure out why I “ultimately have to pay her bills”

Come on Yvonne… Honestly… Please tell me something sensible… And NOT something I can find on Wikipedia.

C’mon Yvonne;

As a man, I am ‘required’ to have sex whenever my partner feels the desire – however, I must accept whatever reason she has for not wanting intimacy when I request it? A marraige is ‘give’ and ‘take’ in every sense of the word. I do things for my wife, even when I’m not in the ‘mood’. I see no reason why this shouldn’t be reciprical. You will rarely ever hear of the man who rejects his wife’s invitation for intimacy, no matter how tired he is, no matter how bad his ‘headache’ is, and no matter what ‘mood’ he happens to be in. Men realize that the need for intimacy is important in a relationship, and very rarely deny it to their spouse.

Then, women wonder “Why do mean cheat?” Gosh … could it be that after some number of years that men simply get tired of being held captive to whatever libido their spouse has? We are expected to be 100% supportive of her, and simply ignore our needs – for this is EXACTLY what you are telling us.

Let’s look at some basic facts. Stastically, more women than men have sexual issues. Women are statistically more willing to go without sex in a relationship. So, you are telling men to simply sit back, shut-up and accept that? Keep paying the bills, raise how ever many children your spouse may want to have. Work until you die, and heaven forbid … do not ever demand sex when the wife isn’t in the mood.

Then women wonder why the divorce rate is nearly 70%, and cheating spouses are commonplace. With this type of attitude, is it any wonder why so many men refuse to marry? Consider that part of being a caring and nuturing partner is giving in to his needs – even if you are not interested. If you reject him often enough, he WILL find someone else who will not reject him. Then you can wail about how men are all unfaithful dogs, untrustworthy and are not dependable.

“I had such a stressful day at work. Would you mind giving me a massage instead?”

Yes, because I am TOTALLY fulfilled by giving my wife a massage instead of making love.

I’m not averse to giving as much or more than I receive, and the truth is that when you get married (as the person asking the question obviously is) you are committing to be unselfish toward your spouse. They should be unselfish toward you as well and considerate of your feelings, but the truth is that men need sex. We NEED it. In a marriage, sex is like water: you’ve got to have it or your marriage will eventually die.

Saying no from time to time is not a problem but when your partner is constantly tired then it is a problem. Men have needs and if they are not met then it leads to more problems and resentment on the part of the person not having their needs met. Believe me I know when my wife is only “doing it” to keep me happy and the sex is not great because of it, but it’s better than no sex at all. Do you think I like constantly reassuring her about her outfits or giving foot massages? Relationships are about sacrifice on both sides not just men. We used to have sex much more regularly but now that we are married I feel like she pulled the old bait and switch by giving me plenty then cutting me off. When I dont feel like doing something I get nagged till it gets done and that should be a two way street too.

So, what I understand is the following:

Men, if you don’t agree to have sex when your wife asks, or allows it … that’s too bad. Deal with it

Women, if you don’t want sex, you can demand anything as a bargaining chip. Massages, back rubs, flowers, jewelry, trips and vacations …. nothings is off the table. IF you want sex, make sure it’s a reward for some kind of behavior, otherwise he’ll want it more often.

Now we can wonder why the divorce rate is approaching 70% and men are not wanting to get married. We can also ponder the question why men are seeking sexual activitity outside of marriage …. Hmmmmmm, certainly perplexing problems.

Unfortunately, our Sex Therapist doesn’t have a clue…

This is terrible advice. “Would you mind giving me a massage instead?” Riiight. I’m going to reward you for ignoring my needs.

Try this sometimes, guys:

“I’m sorry, Honey, I’m not going to buy you those diamond earrings. Would you mind buying mea new golf club instead?”

See how that goes over.

And if having sex with her husband isn’t a wife’s duty as a partner, whose is it? The fear that this hypothetical man might stray is rational, because that man is being neglected.

Relationships require give and take, not take take take.

Yvonne,
I think you should have addressed how often this is happening. If she is turning him down, or wanting to turn him down, very rarely then she should be able to tactfully take a rain check just like you said….but if she is wanting to take a pass once a week, then there is a problem. I don’t think anyone, man or woman, in a committed relationship should deny their partner any physical affection, whether that be kissing,cuddling, intercourse, oral sex, or massages. IF we are only affectionate when we totally feel like it, we are being selfish.

Yvonne,
I think you needed to address how often this is happening. If she is wanting to say no to sex only very rarely, then it is ok for her to tactifully tell him she wants a rain check, just as you advised. But if she is wanting to take a pass once a week, then there is a problem. I don’t think anyone in a committed relationship should be denying their partner any kind of physical affection that they ask for, whether that be kissing, cuddling, intercourse, oral sex, or massages. If you only do these things when you totally feel like it then you are a fair weather lover…and selfish.

Cora, as a 40-year-old man who never has to ask for sex from my girlfriend, there are times when even I ask for a raincheck…for instance, last night…returning from a 350-mile drive and having to be up at 4:00 am. If you’re not up to sex that particular time, try something else, like a make-out session. You may feel charged up for it afterward… Don’t feel guilty…hell, we aren’t the Energizer Bunny anymore you know…. Don’t play hard-to-get, however, either…others may catch your guys eye, if you think have problems now, think again…

Cora,

Yvonne, did have a very important question, Why? What makes you uninterested in sex with your husband? For a lot of men, sex is how they connect with their wives. Commonly because they lack the ability to be intimate. Much like we as women continually expect them to know how we feel. What we desire, so you have a choice, you first figure out what is making you uninterested. Then you determine if that is occurring because of an outside issue or if it is inside your marriage. Women are not always ready to walk in the door and have sex. You did not say how long you have been married, whether or not you have kids. Sometimes we overfill our lives and misplace our marriage in the mix. Most marriages are not very healthy without intimacy. So there is another area, to look at. Sex is a sharing activity, the giving and receiving of pleasure. Men often don’t get that if there is some huge empty spot within us our pleasure is normally turned off.

If the love in your marriage is there, then the communication may be where the break down is, if sex is a chore then your missing the blessing within it. Make a list of what you love about him, then a list of what you dislike. Study him, see if the passion is there. If you have a scorecard husband tear up the sheet and tell him he needs a new playbook. The commitment in marriage is unconditional love. Check out the Love Dare… its another option. I will be praying for your marriage, Cora.

I AM 17 YEARS WITH OUT SEX… I WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO SAY WHAT THEY THINK… I DESIRE LOVE AND CUDDLING… JUST TO BE HELD… ..NANCY

Why should a woman feel guilty about putting her husband’s needs first? Or why should a man feel guilty about putting his wife first? It’s called “relationship.” It’s called “marriage.” History tells us something about that “sexually liberated” woman or man.

She, or he, is single, statistically speaking. Why wreck a good thing by refusing one’s spouse? Tell them how to make things better instead.

I very rarely turn my husband down. Why in the world would I deny us intimacy? If a woman is doing this something must be wrong. Lovemaking is wonderful; who would choose to go without unless there is a problem (physical, emotional, in the relationship, etc.).

I am so sick of whimpering and crying women that want there husbands to jump through rings of fire, and sit up and beg for sex. Honey put on your big girl pants and carry your end of the dang canoe. Men work all day too, we have stress too, we have office politics too, we are tired too, but if you want something we most of the time give it to you. Get past being the spoiled, self centered bratt your acting like and take care of the man in your bed, or he will find another bed.

David

Let’s think about this, divorce is around 70%, infidelity is rampant, and our therapist recommends a backrub. Well I think your husband wants to get intimate, I given a lot of back rubs in my day and never felts sexually satisfied by a backrub. Your husband eventually will find someone who does not say no. This therapist (husband) recommends you find the energy to tell your husband through the intimacy that he is wonderful, and that you love him even when your tired.

I think the whole standpoint of our sex therapist (awfully close to “the Rapist”) is that men are responsible for all that is wrong with relationships. Seriously, look at her articles in the archives. At least 60 percent of them have at least SOMETHING negative to say about men and how simple we are. Frankly I’m tired of how it’s chic and vogue now to bash men. I treat my girlfriend like GOLD.

BTW, “Gee honey, I don’t fee like buying you those diamond earrings, how about you buy me a new golf club instead.”

THAT guy needs to be writing her column… He’s a GENIUS!!!

“For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt.”

Can somebody please explain what this statement even entail to? How is her resolution in not selling her sexuality (as if by being a traditional woman, I suppose this is what the opposite of liberated female is being defined, “sells” herself by being in a relationship that obliges her to perform sexual acts) arouses guilt? That is to say, stepping out of traditional role of woman in society where having sexual relationship with her partner was to desecrate such obligation should not result in guilt.

Now the problem is, Dr. Yvonne has failed to make the case for such gratuitous statement, if any. Frankly, I don’t think she knows what she is talking about.

Well here is my 2 cents…

I am married. My husband and I are happy. When I am in the mood, I tell him. Sometimes he is too, sometimes not. If not, usually he will be like “Well lets do ____.” Blank being some activity together (we are major gamers). It creates an emotional closeness. Other times, we cuddle, and heat things up. If he is in the mood and I am not, I do one of a few things. A: Tell him. I have a pain disorder, so some days its just a bad day and sex is off the table.. it would be too painful to me. What I DO do though is within a day or so, I make it up to him (read that fishnets and boots and him moaning until he almost passes out). I recognize that for him, its a need and creates a feeling of intimacy and acceptance for him. Rainchecks are ok.. just make sure you fill the raincheck, and that rainchecks are NOT frequent. If that isnt the reason, I do B: I tell him “Babe, I am tired, can we go gentle?” Meaning.. I am not in the mood for hot sweaty marathon sex, so we go slow and gentle and passionate. It is often the most amazing sex too. If those arent on the table, then I do C: I say “Babe, gimme a few to freshen up.” I go take a shower, change into something tht makes me feel sexy, and get my mindset into the sex mood. He gets time to anticipate it, and he gets all happy about me fixing up just for him, and I get the time to feel refreshed and relaxed and get myself into the mood.

Basically.. yeah its give and take. And yeah you shouldbe able to say no I am not in the mood.. but just because you arent in the mood now, make the effort to try and talk to him. Let him know whats going on. Sex is alot of the connection between men and their wives. You are his safe place. Sex makes him feel accepted. Dont just say no because you arent at 100%… both people need their needs met.

Just my thoughts.

-Suzanne