I am married. My husband and I are happy. When I am in the mood, I tell him. Sometimes he is too, sometimes not. If not, usually he will be like “Well lets do ____.” Blank being some activity together (we are major gamers). It creates an emotional closeness. Other times, we cuddle, and heat things up. If he is in the mood and I am not, I do one of a few things. A: Tell him. I have a pain disorder, so some days its just a bad day and sex is off the table.. it would be too painful to me. What I DO do though is within a day or so, I make it up to him (read that fishnets and boots and him moaning until he almost passes out). I recognize that for him, its a need and creates a feeling of intimacy and acceptance for him. Rainchecks are ok.. just make sure you fill the raincheck, and that rainchecks are NOT frequent. If that isnt the reason, I do B: I tell him “Babe, I am tired, can we go gentle?” Meaning.. I am not in the mood for hot sweaty marathon sex, so we go slow and gentle and passionate. It is often the most amazing sex too. If those arent on the table, then I do C: I say “Babe, gimme a few to freshen up.” I go take a shower, change into something tht makes me feel sexy, and get my mindset into the sex mood. He gets time to anticipate it, and he gets all happy about me fixing up just for him, and I get the time to feel refreshed and relaxed and get myself into the mood.

Basically.. yeah its give and take. And yeah you shouldbe able to say no I am not in the mood.. but just because you arent in the mood now, make the effort to try and talk to him. Let him know whats going on. Sex is alot of the connection between men and their wives. You are his safe place. Sex makes him feel accepted. Dont just say no because you arent at 100%… both people need their needs met.

Just my thoughts.

-Suzanne

Can somebody please explain what this statement even entail to? How is her resolution in not selling her sexuality (as if by being a traditional woman, I suppose this is what the opposite of liberated female is being defined, “sells” herself by being in a relationship that obliges her to perform sexual acts) arouses guilt? That is to say, stepping out of traditional role of woman in society where having sexual relationship with her partner was to desecrate such obligation should not result in guilt.

Now the problem is, Dr. Yvonne has failed to make the case for such gratuitous statement, if any. Frankly, I don’t think she knows what she is talking about.

BTW, “Gee honey, I don’t fee like buying you those diamond earrings, how about you buy me a new golf club instead.”

THAT guy needs to be writing her column… He’s a GENIUS!!!

David

She, or he, is single, statistically speaking. Why wreck a good thing by refusing one’s spouse? Tell them how to make things better instead.

Yvonne, did have a very important question, Why? What makes you uninterested in sex with your husband? For a lot of men, sex is how they connect with their wives. Commonly because they lack the ability to be intimate. Much like we as women continually expect them to know how we feel. What we desire, so you have a choice, you first figure out what is making you uninterested. Then you determine if that is occurring because of an outside issue or if it is inside your marriage. Women are not always ready to walk in the door and have sex. You did not say how long you have been married, whether or not you have kids. Sometimes we overfill our lives and misplace our marriage in the mix. Most marriages are not very healthy without intimacy. So there is another area, to look at. Sex is a sharing activity, the giving and receiving of pleasure. Men often don’t get that if there is some huge empty spot within us our pleasure is normally turned off.

If the love in your marriage is there, then the communication may be where the break down is, if sex is a chore then your missing the blessing within it. Make a list of what you love about him, then a list of what you dislike. Study him, see if the passion is there. If you have a scorecard husband tear up the sheet and tell him he needs a new playbook. The commitment in marriage is unconditional love. Check out the Love Dare… its another option. I will be praying for your marriage, Cora.