my wife had her female parts removed 3- 4 years ago and our sex life is paying for it she would not take her pills the doc gave her and now she is always very moody and her sex drive is 0 i have tryd everything and still its the same do you have any suggestions thanks oh we have been married 26 years as of the 15 of january

Is anyone else tired of simple, politically-correct Q/A’s from the Sexpert? Bailey’s question was an easy one – what is a normal sexual desire. There is a definite answer to that, and plenty of studies to back it up. Probably something like: “the average married woman aged 35-40 desires sexual activity 2.34 times a week.”

The “everyone is normal” approach is wrong based on the definition of the word “normal”. Normal is mean to represent an average. What is the average person’s (qualify person however you wish) sexual desire?

Yvonne – trust your readers to be intelligent enough to understand the basic disclaimers of life that you list in your answer. People are different, and that’s okay. Some people want more sex, depending on their circumstances. We all understand that. I would have liked to compare myself to the “normal” person – because I, like most of your readers, am curious about that kind of thing.

Yvonne, you have the opportunity to write a column on a nationally viewed website about one of the most fascinating topics in the world – sex. So write something interesting; write something that is not the feel-good tripe you’re putting out with this column.

Stephen
Normal does not mean “average” and if there is not qantitative distribution of behaviour then there can be no ‘mean’ to deviate from.

so tell me Stephen, do you always notice that bored look in her eyes? or are you too self absorbed?

Ok Ian, define normal then. BTW, the rest of your comment was mean and nasty. What’s up with that dude?

The doc’s column fascinates me. So far I’ve found out that I’m normal. How about you Ian?

Ian – Ouch! Not sure why you chose to bash me. I don’t appreciate your comment because it assumed I was heterosexual. Maybe the bored look is in “his eyes”.

I think that a “normal” sexual drive is a characteristic that can and has been quantitatively defined, albeit by phd’s much more intelligent than me. Since Yvonne is an expert in this area, she probably knows of a few studies that have attempted to do such. I would like her column to list that out, explain it, and give us readers more than what she did with this column. If she wants to include the “everyone is different” tag on the end of it, that’s okay too.

I welcome your input Ian, but if you continue the bashing please forgive me if I don’t feed the trolls in further posts.

There are MANY reasons not to want to have sex so often. For me, I have UC(Ulcerative Colitis) when I have a flare up, I fear loss of control during the Big O and then lose control altogether. therefore i do not care to have sex. My spouse understands this. When I am not sick, shoot at 40 yrs old(me) there is no such thing as “too much”(8-10 times a week/after being together for 7 years).
Its all about whats good for the person and hopefully for everyone out there an understanding, caring, loving spouse/partner.
I completely agree with Dr. Yvonne!

Stephen, I felt the same way as your original post. I would have closed this page in typical disappointment with web content rather than comment, but I thought I’d second your notion.

This answer was weak for a variety of reasons:
- it revealed no “expert” knowledge (it’s comparable to older-sister(ly) advice, maybe?)
- it turned the responsibility for an answer back on the one asking the question. If the original person is the ‘expert’ and she doesn’t already know the answer, “figure it out” isn’t helpful.
- with such a teaser title, no doubt many readers are looking for something like the result of a study that identified a measurable normative behavior for given demographics; “it’s different for each individual” is an unsatisfying cop-out.

I could easily have seen where some type of numerical quantity would have been desired and appreciated. My post-menapausal wife has also lost all sexual desire. Is that “normal”? Well, since it happens to a percentage of women, I suppose it is. A more useful discussion might have included what the upper and lower limits of an average, healthy and happy sexual relationship at different ages are.

As for me, 3 years of celibacy is enough. I’ll be moving on soon. The majority of “normal” sexually active and happy men would have left long ago. Perhaps that statistic would have made some difference to Bailey.

Stephen I could not agree with you more!! I have discovered in the past year that I am a lesbian and my sex drive has gone through the roof! When I saw the teaser for this story I was really excited thinking that it would help me figure out some of the changes in me over the past year. Boy was I wrong! If I felt like I was the expert on my own sex drive then I would not have wasted my time reading this uninformative column.

Wow, you guys are critical … and unrealistic in your expectations. Asking her to quantify what a “normal” sexual desire is like asking her how many times you have to listen to a CD before it gets old. How the hell is she supposed to know? It depends on YOU. Simple as that.

I’ll also agree that an average does not mean “normal,” or that this is what you should strive for. According to the Census Bureau, the mean income of all people in the U.S. is $35,499. I don’t know about you, but that’s not where I want to be, and I doubt that other people dream of that kind of income either.

My response is related to sexual desire and specifically towards Blue Collar Man.

Been there done that with a 44yo woman who lost interest after perimenopause hit. Your out of luck if your wife won’t take her meds and at least work on making things better. See if she’ll go to counselling and talk to someone that will really discuss this issue. If she resists and you love this woman and want to stay with her then you are gonna have to find a way to fulfill this part of your life. It’s not going to go away no matter how much your wife may not feel like doing it. Some women just don’t realize how important sex is to a man. It’s part of who we are and I think really most women are just as sexual as men but are restrained due to social norms.

This might sound crass or selfish to some but there are lots of middle aged women out there with husbands not holding up their end of things for whatever reason. They have no intention of leaving these guys but are more than willing to develop a “special” friendship for the purpose of taking care of one another’s physical needs. Health clubs are a great place to meet these women. Go ahead say it – I might be a selfish bastard but everyone is happy!

And before somebody goes Biblical on me they should really study the part about concubines and wives. Even some of the the heroes of faith had more than one woman.

If nothing else tell your wife you are thinking about this and she might see how important this issue is and straighten up

Communication is definitely key in resolving the importance of sex issue. My girlfriend and I are definitely on different sheets of music when it comes to desire and/or frequency of sex. She’s great in the sack but sometimes lacks desire for sex.

You are right, 38-yr-old stud!!!! Health clubs are excellent places to meet these women. That’s where I hooked up with my current girlfriend!!

Blue Collar Man: my girlfriend is on estrogen patches – when the estrogen level drops between patch replacement, she gets hornier than hell, and I don’t have to even think of discussing needs, desires, or anything…YIKES!!!

Interesting. I was looking for something statistical as well, or at the very least something akin to what was said a few articles ago about sex interfering with one’s life. Perhaps this woman’s husband is a “nympho” and is really far too obsessed with the activity, or perhaps she is at 0 desire and should seek some help. The question seemed pretty exploratory, so we’ll never know.

Personally I fall into the category of “nympho” and it was hilarious and uncomfortable reading, in the other post, what constitutes that for people. Three times a day is considered ridiculous? Then what is eight? What is a weekend where the man orgasms 13 times and the woman loses count?

I think the bottom line is whether or not it interferes with one’s regular activities, but even THAT was left out of this response. The truth is that if you worry too much about your drive being “normal” you are defeating yourself before you begin. Stress doesn’t make you feel sexy, and it doesn’t convey sexiness to your partner.