Sexpert Q&A: Going Beyond “Vanilla” in the Bedroom
Dear Yvonne,
My wife wants to get a little “kinky” in the bedroom, citing that we’re a bit “vanilla” compared to what’s out there. I don’t see anything wrong with what we’ve been doing, but was wondering what you think.
—Nolan
Dear Nolan,
While many people find comfort in seeing themselves as “vanilla,” pushing the envelope on occasion can do them a world of good, revitalizing their sex life and opening the door to new sensations and pleasures.
By challenging their sense of eroticism, especially in a trusting relationship, many people are delightfully surprised with their physical and emotional response to a new adventure. And if it isn’t their cup of tea, then there’s still a sense of accomplishment that they were willing to put themselves out there. By keeping passion alive and nurturing a monogamous, long-term relationship, most sex researchers will agree that what is considered novel can make or break a sexual relationship. So changing things up on occasion can only help you.
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”
Tags: bedroom, cup of tea, emotion, hubsband, kinky, married, new sex techniques, relationships, researchers, sex, vanilla, wife, yvonne fulbright
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Dr. Yv,
Would just add to your well stated comments that ‘Nolan’ himself said the obvious. He “does not see anything wrong”. He is fortunate enough to have a wife who is asking him for changes that most husbands would give anything to be asked for at home, and some leave home to get it. He needs to open his eyes and look at things from her view which is apparently very different than his. She opened a bedroom window, he should look out of it.
I agree with John, I would love for my wife to be more open. Vanilla gets old. Nolan should take his wife’s desire to try new things as a blessing.
I would switch with him if he has an issue…..
Healthy sexuality is more than what one person sees. Nolan – it’s a 2-way street. You might be content with vanilla but if she wants to try some things then meet somewhere in the middle – you are more likely to be pleasantly surprised than she is to be disappointed.
I wish I had known more about the subject when I was married. We had a sex education class seperately for the girls and boys at about the age of puberty in grade school, but it was pretty vanella in extent. If you had sex, you could make someone, or get yourself pregnent, or catch as they called it then, a veneral disease. Knowing how your wife, or husband thought about sex more than they were horney at some given time, or that they said they had a headache meaning yes, or no would have been nice. Just because the internal plumbing was functional does not mean that the sex was really good beyond relieving some built up pressure. I felt kind of ignorant about the subject, but like many, maybe even most people, it wasn’t a subject for casual conversation to see how others thought about or how they did things when romping on the bed. You might laugh at sex jokes as long as they were about someone not present, or an unknown person, or persons, or a generic joke, and usually with the opposite sex not present. Things could have been much worse than they were I guess.
Nice post. You are on my RSS reader now so I can read more from you down the road.