Dr. Keith: Letter to Chris Brown
Dear Mr. Brown:
We have never met. I don’t presume to know your life story. If the allegations against you are true, however, and you did brutalize your girlfriend, I do know something very important about you.
First, you should know a little about me. I am a forensic psychiatrist who has treated violent men and women and testified as an expert in state and federal courts in cases involving rape, assault and murder. On more than one occasion, I have testified about the underlying psychological dynamics that resulted in men killing women. I also wrote the New York Times bestseller Inside the Mind of Scott Peterson. You would have been just 16 when Peterson was sentenced to death for the murder of his wife Laci and unborn son Conner. I tell you all this to increase the chances you might actually take what I have to say to heart before you ruin your life and destroy someone else’s.
Here’s what I know about you, if you are guilty of the charges against you: You are different from the vast majority of men. You have been emotionally and physically violent toward a woman, and I believe you’ve done it before. Men who find themselves in court for assaulting females rarely have the good fortune to be caught—and, hopefully, get help—the first time.
Psychologically speaking, what you are up against is like psychological cancer—a malignancy that is life threatening and hard to treat. Just when you think you’ve overcome it, it can overtake you. It is deep in the marrow of your mind or brain or both. I don’t like your odds against it—even a little bit. Defeating it will take an act of will greater than any you have summoned before.
For one reason or another, you lack the empathy or impulse control that would have allowed you to restrain yourself from lashing out when anger surged inside you. This is no small matter. Empathy is a miraculous human quality that allows one human being to imagine the suffering of another and seek to minimize it whenever possible (not inflict it). Impulse control is closely linked to having empathy, but can also depend on parts of the brain—especially the frontal lobes—functioning appropriately. Impulse control also depends on being sober. Alcohol or an illicit drug is often the culprit when violence erupts.
If you lack empathy, your character is badly damaged, and it is essential that you figure out how that occurred. You need to examine which events in your life were so painful that you stopped feeling your own sadness and hurt and tried to keep everything buried inside you. That doesn’t work. The things you bury never go away, they get more intense, then spill out of you in ways you can’t predict or control. Only a skilled therapist can help you look at yourself in the way you need to now, to unearth the emotions you’ll need to in order to have any hope of remaking yourself into the kind of man you deserve to be—a man of character who can form loving relationships, not abusive ones. And only a psychiatrist can prescribe whatever medicine might be needed in the short or longer-term to help you keep your demons from getting the upper hand again while you wrestle with them.
Character pathology often goes hand-in-hand with alcohol and drug problems. That’s because alcohol and drugs are another way people try not to feel the turmoil inside them. But, trust me, it’s a sucker’s game. Ultimately, booze or coke or heroin only fuel the ugly things inside a person. If you’re using and think you can stop on your own, think again. You’re in a war, and you’re losing. Check yourself into a rehab, if you have to. Get to AA or NA, if you have to. Do more than you think you need to. You’ll underestimate your enemy. Every alcohol or drug abuser does.
Go see a neurologist, for good measure. Tell him or her that you need to know if there’s any damage to your brain—maybe from prior head trauma—that could leave you without normal neurological defenses against your underlying anger.
You’ll mount a vigorous defense in court, of course. Nobody wants to go to jail. But don’t defend against the truth you know in your heart of hearts. Whatever unresolved rage is inside you isn’t under your control, and you’d better get the upper hand over it—and soon. Someone could end up dead. You could end up living a life behind bars. You weren’t born for either tragedy. You can do better.
One last thing: Think about your children. I know you don’t have any today, but you might some day. Think about the fact that they’ll see your girlfriend’s battered face on the Internet years from now. They’ll know what people said about you. Let yourself feel some shame over that. You’ll want to be able to tell them how much you’ve changed, how it wasn’t easy (because it won’t be), but how they, too, can defeat any ugliness they find inside them, if they don’t try to run away from it.
Turn and face the truth about yourself. One day, with a lot of hard work, a lot of help and some luck, you could be proud of what you see. It’s a noble goal—maybe the most noble of all. Now is the time to embrace it.
-Keith Ablow, MD
Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com or e-mail him at info@keithablow.com.
Tags: abuse, brain, cancer, Chris Brown, Connor, court, Dr. Keith Ablow, girlfriend, heart, Laci Peterson, New York Times, Rihanna, Scott Peterson
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What an outrageously pompous, self-serving, and publicity seeking piece of crap letter. You don’t know ( a teenager) Chris Brown’s history, we don’t know if Rihanna instigated or started the fight, and you don’t know all the facts in this case.
We do know that Chris Brown has already started to take steps to address his psychological issues by taking anger management classes and it is there that he can get more professional advice from those who know more about him.
Dr. Keith,
If I were Chris, I would not read your letter. What is your response to women who hit men? Rihanna allegedly repeatedly hit him first. So does she lack empathy? Is she not like most women? What if this was his first time being violent? What does that say about him?
Your letter would not be a wake up call to me. After the first paragraph, I would not continue reading. Nice try but do you really want to help Chris or is this just a ploy to get your name back in the media.
I do believe Chris Brown needs help. I do believe that he needs serious counseling and rehab. But, by the way you wrote your letter he will never come to the conclusions you’ve stated.
I also believe Rihanna needs counseling because she was a victim (and an abuser if it’s true that she hit him).
There are reports that he has never hit her before and that she is the one who has lashed out physically in the past, even on that faithful night. What is your advice for Rihanna?
A good letter, but like many abusers, even if he reads it, will not see himself in it. He lives in the pop world where people are paid to tell you how good you are, PR firms are paid to convince the world you are a better person now, and lawyers are paid to keep any real punishment to a minimum.
You need to direct another letter to Rihanna, and advise her to look deeply within herself to find out why she feels she deserves this treatment. She must, since she has chosen to take him back.
As an ex-wife of an abusive husband, the saddest and most difficult situation is to realize that the man you fell in love with hid the truth about himself during courtship. Thankfully, the marriage only lasted a year and no serious physical injuries occured. Denial is his biggest enemy. He cannot face the truth about himself. I have pleaded with him to seek help. I continue to pray for him. It is so heartbreaking to witness someone not wanting to face their demons. Thank you Dr. Ablow for your letter. Perhaps someone will see themselves in your words and muster the courage to go for help.
I cannot believe some of the responses above. Just because she may have lashed out first means she deserved to have the results she ended up with? Obviously he was able to subdue and overpower her, so why couldn’t he have controled the situation better if she was getting physical? Not to sound sexist, but most men I know would not have a hard time using their greater strength to keep me under control physically should the need arise. Is it right for a man to use that advantage to cross the line? Come on.
In my opinion they are both damaged from early life. Looking at his history, it is true. The fact that she chose to “take him back” *could* be an indicator that she, too, grew up with some kind of abuse in her early life.
Let us not forget that violence is not always the answer to violence.
I’m not a professional nor do I pretend to be but I’ll offer my two cents anyway. I agree w/you on most of what you’re saying regarding empathy. The problem that I have with everybody commenting on this is that NOBODY knows exactly what transpired and from reports that I’ve seen it was Rihanna who put her hands on Chris FIRST by slapping him in the face in a fit of jealousy after she read the txt msg. Now I don’t agree w/his reponse but I don’t know what transpired after the initial slap. It’s obvious he lost it in the end and that’s inexcusable…but she has some blame in this too!! I’ve been in relationships in the past where the female has been the aggressor and I’ve been physically assaulted yet been accused of being an abuser because I shuved her out of the way in order to run out of the house. She would throw things at me, pulled knives on me, threw and broke many of my things, etc. Nobody ever would’ve believed this inocent/fragile looking woman was capable of turning into a complete monster…even her facial expression was unrecognizable in her fits of rage. The finger was always FALSLY pointed at me…the man!! I know of other woman like this and have heard from the experience of other men who found themselves in similar situations. I believe NOBODY should be hitting ANYBODY and that should be the focus of the conversation. The victims of physical violence have no gender and abusers also come in skirts too…it doesn’t help anyone to forget that FACT!!!
This letter has an almost condescencing tone. I agree with JoJo, if I was Chris Brown, I certainly wouldn’t read the letter.
People should discuss, even yell about if necessary, challenges that they are confronting. If you look at it, things really never have to get to the point of being physically abusive. But there is a really fine line that is too easy to cross by too many. The physical part ultimately comes from a failure to verbally communicate by one or both parties. By nature, I try to walk away from provocations. However, I have no problem fighting back when being assaulted by anyone who would not listen to reason. From the evidence that has been released in the last few days, she hit first. I wouldn’t doubt that both (even though they are not of drinking age) probably consumed a couple of “refreshments” during their travels – that never helps.
Yeah, Chris went too far in the pummeling he gave Rihanna. However, if she attacked him first, maybe she had it coming? Does she normally attack someone when she doesn’t get what she likes? You know, many women who get hit frequently start the altercation. They’re both young (in my opinion, too young for a serious relationship), and guilty, and will learn from it.
WOW! Is all I can say to some of these responses. Maybe Rihanna did slap him first and hey, if this were the FIRST time he struck her, maybe he could say he was sorry after one time…but look at the pictures. This was a BRUTAL attack. She could have died. Then what? It would have been her fault? I really thought we had come away from saying a woman is “asking for it”.
I for one appreciate this letter and even copied it for myself as my ex husband is a person with no empathy and it truly is a scary thing.
People like this will go on to hurt others again. Especially Chris Brown—since his fans are behind him on this b/c Rihanna got mad first.
So many things wrong here….
Wow! Based on some of these comments, it’s pretty clear why our society is such a mess. Do you people really believe this woman (or any man or woman) did anything that justifies this? Obvioulsy you’ve never had the snot beat out of you!
I was raised with abuse in my home. Not to myself but to my Mother by my step-dad. How many times did my sister and I ask her why she put up with it? We never got an answer. Time and again over and over He would hit her . Any man that would hit a woman for whatever reason is a cheap piece of crap . Like Oprah said “If he hit her once he will do it again”.
They are both at fault. Chris Brown is getting the brunt of it because he’s a male and it’s a common fact that a man should never hit a woman. If Rihanna started it she should read this letter as well. Both parties are in the wrong. It’s a shame to hear about an incident such as this. Both entertainers have all the resources to get help and should do so until the situations is resolved.
I think that Dr. Ablow’s letter was thoughtful and articulate.
I think it’s interesting that, for the most part, the black community (including responders here) won’t speak up and say loudly that, regardless of whether or not “she started it,” that it is wrong to hit women under any circumstances. I am stunned that people will play the “What if she hit him first” card. Who cares? She’s tiny and he’s a man.
Well, he’s actually a child. A child that grew up in a violent home, learned that while not okay, men could get away with abusing women (as told when he describes watching his mother get beaten).
Hitting kids as discipline changes their brain chemistry. Period. You can never un-ring that bell.
The fact that the black community more than almost any other racial group embrace violence as a form of discipline and / or punishment is the cause of these situations. If you never hit your kid, violence is never on the table as a solution. Once violence is accepted as an option, it’s over. That’s it.
But she is to blame too, and she also had to be exposed to violence growing up. People that weren’t don’t stay with or go back to their abusers. Abusers seek out victims for that reason:
Because they are already prepared to be victims.
I guarantee you that this isn’t the last time we’ll see either of these people involved in this type of thing.
Dr. Keith & everyone else needs to get a clue. Why all of a sudden is everyone making a big deal b/c it’s a celebrity who got beat up. Woman all over the US are being beat everyday & there’s no big move to do anything about it. Why do they (Chris & Rihanna) become so special, when there are ordinary citizens out there that no one is talking about. I didn’t see the news talking about Tina Turner & Ike. The point of the matter is if you don’t want to be hit, then you shouldn’t be hitting. Woman or Man, if you put your hands on someone else then expect to have hands put on you. People only have 2 cheeks to turn & once they’ve been used, people shoudl beware.
No matter how you look at it, it was wrong! I agree with the Dr. and glad he put this into words. The people here that are against the Dr. Keith’s words are probably the same people that were glad OJ could cover up his murders! I don’t know how any of you people sleep at night! You obviously weren’t raised in healthy families or upbringings.
While I can understand that we do not know what transpired that night, even if she did strike first, his response was way out of line. The pictures of her face and reports of other injuries lead me to believe that he has no self-control and he beat her…he was not “defending himself”.
I was in a relationship with a volatile woman who physically attacked me on several occasions, and not once, did I ever lay a hand on her. It is not a sexist statement to say that men are stronger, physically, than women, it is a fact. He could have pulled over and got out, or, if he felt truly threatened for his physical safety, called the police himself.
He, however, chose to beat her savagely, as the pictures show, and the truth is he will kill her one day if he does not get the help he obviously needs. Being young or whatever excuse people want to make for him does not justify the damage he inflicted on this woman.
I do agree that the letter was condescending and if the doctor wants to truly help, he should offer his services instead of publicly chastising Mr. Brown.
What a powerful, powerful message.
I have zero sympathy for either one. They are young rich kids and don’t have a clue about life. So what if they end up killing each other? All this psychobable is ridiculous. The message should be from EVERYONE for her to just GET OUT. If (and apparently she has)she chooses to stay with this tennage idiot, so be it. What do I care?
As someone who knows what it is like to be on the receiving end of “abuse” (mine was schoolyard bullying until high school) it only takes 1 action to set someone off into a defensive fight.
Now did Chris go too far? Quite possibly, but is Rihanna not guilty? If she actually started the fight, she’s just as guilty as CB. Maybe what set him off is the first slap, going into self-defense (even if too far) does not take forever to set up. It may take 1 slap, or a 100 punches before someone “wakes up” inside and moves to defend himself/herself.
If Rihanna did start the fight CB is right to head off to prevent himself from getting into a rage-aholic attitude. But that does not mean it is fine to allow Rihanna herself to get off scot-free.
However what’s most amazing out of all of this is the clear double standard in place in today’s society. The double standard is highly prevalent in both public opinion and the courts. Man on woman violence is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and lambasted as the worst thing that can be done. But what about woman on man violence? It barely gets mentioned in the news media, let alone the court of public opinion. Last I heard, women who abuse men get lighter sentences than the other way around. (If I am wrong, let me know)
Quite frankly all violence is wrong in domestic relationships, but having a double standard about such things is worse. This man for one is tired of the double standards from all sources.
Nurse practitioners can also prescribe the medications he needs.
Some of you people are really, really creepy. I hope your wives and girlfriends get out before getting a “deserved” beating.
Wow,
After reading some of these comments I am truley frightned for the young women growing up in this country. The USA, not a middle eastern regime of keeping women subjugated, but right here.
Maybe she had it coming? If she slapped him first that gave him the right to beat her to the point where her mouth was filling with blood. By the grace of someone, when he had her in the head lock he didn’t snap her neck, just nearly choked her to the point of unconsciousness. And had she reached that state could have easily held on till she died of strangulation. And she would have “had it coming”?
It is never acceptable for anyone to strike at someone in anger, however even if she had, his response was that of an abuser, and he will abuse her again. The power of beating someone into submission is too intoxicating and makes small little men (as I think those leaving the comments that perhaps she had this coming or was in someway responsible are) feel to powerful to ever stop.
That is an excellent letter, very to the point. This indeed is a wakeup call for him and could save
his life.
We all must face our demons to overcome them.
Thank you,
Linda
I believe that FAME & MONEY is their drug of choice & THAT is what has happened to them….they are two spoiled, tainted, uncontrollable, obnoxious rich KIDS. I don’t believe anything has come out about past issues that they have been ‘harboring’. They lost control and took things WAY too far- period. For him to walk away and leave her at the scene, also shows SO much about his character (besides the way he has been handling himself in public in Miami the last week-that’s also pathetic)…that & the fact that she is back with him are the two most unreal, sad things to me. They are just two very narcissistic, messed up children that obviously are STILL not getting the right guidance with what I’m seeing-so far…
I cannot believe all of the females on here defending CB’s actions. Maybe she did hit him first (that night) but that does not justify him beating the crap out of her. There are also indications that the violence is progressing, that young man needs help. And maybe this is not the most ethical way to offer your help but at least he is trying to do something. Instead of handing over the keys to your house, all of the support that the celebs are claiming to have, DV has to stop no matter who you are. This is not okay, what Chris Brown did was not okay. Excusing it is sending a horrible message to all of the young fans…and teaching the young girls that it is okay. It has to stop! Make an example out of him and end DV! As for her, she needs to be strong and get help herself!
I think some of you folks are not getting it. You might not have a deep character problem if you hit someone once or you hit someone once after she hits you. You definitely have a deep character problem when you beat a person repeatedly, choke her, and threaten to kill her. All this takes time and if you continue the attack for more than one impulsive second you LACK EMPATHY.
Chris Brown is not in trouble to slapping Rihanna back after she slapped him. He is facing 4 years in jail for beating her.
And we do know what happened because what Rihanna told the police has been widely reported in the news.
There are apparently a lot of cowardly men out there who think that it is okay to beat a woman if she hits you first. Were you people raised by savages? Just get away from the gal and call the police.
Rages and/or violence against others is NEVER, NEVER normal behavior in any way. Chris Brown needs a complete psychological evaluation, so the solid evidence that he probably has a mood disorder can be realized. He CAN be treated for this, and he can regain normal responses with the help of a really good psychiatrist. I have family members with mood disorders, and it has been amazing to watch their recovery with proper medication….no more rage, and no more violent behavior. It can work!
I don’t think anyone deserves to be abused. Chris was definitely wrong and I’m sure most people agree that he should have stopped the car and walked away.
Why do we put a gender on domestic violence? I just don’t understand why people think that it is okay for a woman to hit a man. Comments that state ’she’s smaller than him so it doesn’t matter that she hit him’ are absurd. Rihanna needs counseling also. If she hit Chris Brown prior to this brutal attack, she is an abuser too.
I don’t care if someone hits you once, that is abuse. We need to address both issues. No one has the right to put his/her hands on another individual. These two individuals need prayers and I pray they seek counseling from a reputable doctor.
@ Jo Schrock- I was raised in a healthy home. I have not been abused nor am I an abuser. I just don’t believe Dr. Keith’s letter was written in a way that would be a wake up call to Chris.
@ Todd – The black community does not condone violence. I do not know of any community that thinks domestic violence is acceptable. You are sending the wrong message to women if you state that it is okay for them to hit men. It’s not! Neither sex gets a pass- Violence is never the answer!!
I agree with Dr. Ablow and by writing this open letter I feel he is trying to encourage thoughtful reconsideration of the plague of domestic abuse in our society. With video games that teach our children to enjoy and be rewarded for killing, music and movies that defile the sacredness of human virtue, and even legislation that encourages the ending of a baby’s life, we just don’t seem to be seeing each other as precious children of God anymore.
But that lens can change as we push aside the half-truths we are fed by others who really don’t care about us and begin listening to those who really do care, who are kind, and whose words match their actions.
How precious is one human soul? Enough so that even if only one person had ever inhabited this Earth, the Savior Jesus Christ still would have done what he did.
We are all precious to God and to each other. Love is stronger than hate. The truly powerful are also the most gentle.
Go Ran!
As a female, I totally agree. My mother always taught me that if someone hit me, to hit them back. She didn’t want me to be a sissy. So in my mind, if I ever wanted (not that I have) to hit someone, I should be prepared for a possible butt-kicking. I DO NOT expect anyone to take into consideration that I am just a girl. This crap about it’s not permissible to hit a woman in any circumstance is total bull. It gives women an excuse to be abusers because if a guy tries to defend himself, all she has to do is to start the waterworks and suddenly HE’S the bad guy because HE should know better. But what about her? Violence against any PERSON should not be tolerated.
Don’t get me wrong, I seriously doubt Rihanna deserved that kind of a smackdown. He should have been the bigger person and just walked away.
Guys, word of advice, if she hits you, call the cops and get it on record first before your reputation is ruined.
As a mental health professional, it is not your place to morally judge someone. As someone offering advice to others, I don’t think the second paragraph advertisement is necessary.
I’m a MS level counselor doing further work in psychodynamics and Self Psychology. I immediately saw the “obvious” truth in what you said. I’m disturbed by the superficial nature of the comments you got.
PEOPLE…. the doctor knows what he’s talking about. Superficial things like who struck who first are unimportant at this level.
In the last 10 years we have learned much about “Personality Disorders”; a subject that was hardly covered when I did my undergraduate work just 25 yrs ago. Nobody really understood how to treat it.
A few Therapists have made great strides into understanding how Personality disorders and related problems. If you are really interested you are going to have to learn a lot more than I can tell you here but there are a few books by the leading Therapists who have spent their lives listening to people with this type of behaviour.
Dr. Heinz Kohut was one of them and while most would not want to read his technical writings one very readable summary was written by Allen M. Siegel entitled “Heinz Kohut and the Psychology of the Self.”
This book will show you exactly how the Doctor can make certain generalizations about the individual without having to know the whole case.
I’m sure he has some other suggestions but this book makes the subject understandable to the average reader.
Yes, nobody knows what actually happened. But compare the two pictures after the alleged “incident”: Rihanna’s battered face versus Chris Brown’s face. Hmmm.
Dr. Ablow knows what he’s talking about. Apparently it strikes a nerve in a lot of people. Chris Brown would do well to listen to the content of that open letter and take action.