Thank you for addressing such a profoundly tragic situation in strong and unequivocal words. I can add nothing except my vote of confidence in your point of view.

The school where our son attended was notorious for bullying. The teachers and administrators turned a blind eye to it. One teacher attempted to rein it in, but he was promptly fired. I do not know the reason why he was fired, it may have had nothing to do with the bullying, but the bullying contiued, the teacher did not!

As a foster care social worker, the children in my caseload often attended inner-city schools where bullying and gang activity were first cousins, or different sides of one coin. One staff member told me that everybody at Stone, in Huntsville, was either a bully or being bullied. My little guy was learning disabled, so he was a target and grew so angry and combative he was kicked out of nearly every school. He bullied his younger siblings so badly that they could not stay together. Bullying is violence, whether it’s physical or verbal or both. It can also take the form of passive/aggressive behaviors. Suing that school would have been an exercise in futility; every child had a social worker. I know the damage it does, and even though that poor system will have to cough up big bucks, I, too, think a good law suit is the answer. On a side note, one day I saw a lot of kids coming in at noon and asked what the deal was. They were coming to eat lunch. Then they leave again.

I was relentlessly bullied in the 7th grade. I can honestly say I was never so miserable in my whole life. These people didn’t have deep psychological issues, they were just plain mean and it was entertainment for them. It only too 1 person then someone else joined in and someone else until it was the whole class. And my teacher, laughed along with them at one point. So yes, even 30 years later I can still remember the rage I felt, the helplessness, and the pain it caused. What I learned from it was never to make fun of anyone. I assume because of my situation, I have absolutely no sympathy for a bully, they get everything they deserve. Sometimes people are just cruel and arrogant there are no underlying issues.

I am 45 and I was bullied in school. it does effect kids, even years later as an adult. kids are cruel.

I absolutely agree. We are saving up to put our children in small, private schools for this very reason and have plans in place to homeschool, if necessary, to protect our children. We don’t want to have an isolationist view and want our kids to have full, active social lives, but in our childhoods, both of us have seen or felt the affects of bullying and know that we must be realistic if we are going to protect our children.

Even at our local preschool playgroup, it’s astonishing what parents allow their children to do and what they laugh at – pushing, kicking, hitting back if someone hits first, ramming through a group of smaller kids so as to knock them all down, taking away toys, etc.

As a parent, I am disturbed by the growing trend to derive amusement out of children. Not in a loving way, but as objects of humor and ignoring that the fact that these are little people. This encourages the kids to things that get attention and what gets attention is what is funny. Shirts with profane or vulgar sayings on a newborn are not funny. They’re not funny on a toddler or on an adult. Laughing when kids knock each other down or when they get into a fight over a toy or when they curse at you in anger or try to punch you is irresponsible parenting.

Bullying is attention-getting and feeling important on the part of someone who is insecure, needs group reinforcement, and/or is a coward.

In Jr. High I was bullied relentlessly. After while, when bullied I would flat out punch the bully in the face. This would result in a trip to the office for myself and the bully. After hearing both sides of the story, the principal would usually use corporal punishment on the bully. Once word got around school that I would fight back, and then there would be corporal punishment, the bullying stopped for me.

Later in high School I became a bully. My being a bully ended when I got my butt kicked by a fat boy, and later got the strap (corporal punishment Catholic school style) for starting the fight.

I am not saying that corporal punishment is the answer, but it worked in my case.

As a retired teacher, I can say bulling is a long standing problem. I have actually confronted big athletes for tormenting special students. Unfortunately, I think some teachers don’t confront the problem because they are passive-agressive bullies themselves. Male teachers especially were bad about ignoring such problems because they had the same opinion themselves about students who appeared, feminine, weak or uninterested in sports, just to name a few. Now that many laws protect students from being punished, this problem has become worse. We removed punishiment from school and prayers from school and the students know they can get by with bullying. No one is demanding accountability from them. I say whatever it takes do it. Sue if necessay. The role playing on bullying only helps those who are open to help. The bully is not open for help. The teen years are difficult enough without having to put up with this kind of behavior because teachers and administrators look the other way.

Bullying is a problem in schools and it seems like the bullies go unpunished. Here in NC, they have a no tolerance rule, and the kids are not allowed to fight back. In my opinion, that breeds even more bullies because they know there are no consequences for their actions. Bullies are generally cowards with low self esteem. I was bullied some when I was in school, but I did fight back. After I took care of the problem, we ended up being friends.

My son has been dealing with bullying since the 3rd grade (he’s now in the 5th grade). He’s received death threats, been hit, tackled to the ground, spit on and verbally assaulted. I’ve addressed the issues with the former and present principals with his school, but to no avail. Earlier this year, my son was attacked and tackled to the ground by a classmate and my son fought back. My son received 2 days of in-school suspension for defending while the bully only had his recess privileges revoked for 2 days. Please tell me how this type of punishment is justified? I addressed this issue with the new prinicipal and she informed me that those who defend themselves will be punished. I totally disagreed with her and told her my son has a right to be safe at school and he has the right to defend himself. Then a couple of weeks later I had a parent teacher conference only to be interrupted by the guidance counselor who was on an attack mode regarding my son when he wasn’t the one doing the bullying. Needless to say she got an earful from me and I left abruptly. I was recently informed by faculty at the school that the principal referred to me as a “hot head” and “off my rocker,” and I also found out that my son’s teacher was instructed to shred all e-mail contact with me so nothing could be traced. How about that. My son has been in therapy since the 3rd grade we’ve even threatened to file a lawsuit if this continues. What else are parents supposed to do?

It’s about time someone said all of this. Kudos to Dr. Ablow. I’m a child psychologist who deals with more and more bullying and its consequences. They are not being protected.

Stop treating bullies like poor souls who are suffering “mood disorders” and start treating them like budding criminals. Then and only then will they stop. Then and only then should the focus be on treatment for the bullies. Protect the victims of bullying first; get the bullies out of the school. End of story.

Part of the problem is that many parents of bullies begin bullying the school administration. The principals become afraid to discipline the bullies, which then leaves the victims of bullying helpless–or worse yet, forced to vigilante behavior. This is a tragedy waiting to happen. When the proper authorities sufficiently protect the children and bring justice, ALL children feel better, perform better, and can make better social choices.

Another factor: stop giving these kids (bullies and victims) psychiatric drugs that often create rage and depression, such as the “antidepressants” like Paxil and Zoloft. Children don’t need to be treated like mentally ill, broken-brained imbeciles. They are morally responsible, capable human beings (unless and until they are systematically drugged).

My husband was a victim of bullying through school. He went to a Catholic school. His own father (obsessively religious) didn’t believe him!

There are plenty of good teachers, but also bad ones that see it happen day after day and don’t do a thing about it.

More needs to be done, and much more needs to put out in the open about bullying- people need to be aware of it, those that do it need to be dealt with, and those that are bullied need to be taught strategies to deal with it.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. One question, though, is how we define bullying. In many cases, kids who are bullied may have begun their relationships with the bullies in quasi-friendships, perhaps because the victims perceived that any attention was preferable to being ignored, or, since bullies are usually a bit more socially astute and popular than their victims, the victims may not always have perceived the exploitive nature of the relationship immediately. My point is that we need to talk more about exactly what bullying is, how it gets started, and how it continues. Too often reports like this one don’t tell the story in a manner that really makes the details clear. Also, we need to institute “no retaliation” policies for kids who go to authority figures for help. Victims are at a huge power disadvantage in relation to the bullies, who often have relatively large groups of similarly high status kids who are either egging them on, participating, or enjoying the spectacle. We need to punish the bullies and ensure that anyone who retaliates against a kid who reports it gets punished yet again.

After our child was bullied in elementary school and no action taken by the administration, we removed him from the school. We were fortunate that we could afford to pay tuition – an option that many parents don’t have.

The icing on the cake was when he was nearly suspended for defending himself from the bullies. As my son left the school, I was advised by the principal that his “social problems” would follow him to his next school. It’s been seven years, and my son has never exhibited a problem interacting with others. He is well-respected by his classmates and his teachers and is about to graduate from high school. Apparently, he was NOT the problem.

The schools don’t do enough, but worse, the parents of the bullies don’t deal with their problem children. I hate to say it – but legal action against the parents of the bullies and against the school is necessary to get attention.

Well not to go against the grain here, but I have to disagree with this article. I don’t think more lawsuits are the answer. Let me explain. As the son of a father who had been bullied, I was taught to stand up for myself and those around me who couldn’t stand up for themselves. I learned martial arts, and I learned more importantly there are smarter ways to disarm bullies than just fighting them. The key is that we teach our children to believe in themselves and create a foundational self image. There is no realistic way that eevry teacher can know what’s going on in every corner of the school. I know that a lot of bulling happened in the locker room, or in stairwells where no teachers are present. You’re not going to stop bullies from picking on people. You need to help teach the people who are viewed as “weak” to stand up for themselves, as I said rarely does that have to be physically. Lets teach kids to stick up for each other.
You’re fooling yourselves if you think that punishing bullies in school is going to fix this. We all know that it doesn’t stop in school. There are just as many bullies in the workforce as there were in school. At some point victims need to learn to succeed on their own. That’s the greatest boost to self confidence you can get. Lets teach people to fish, not give them fish… Just my two cents…

And then we sit back in shock and horror as we hear about how mild mannered little “Johhny” finally broke down and exacted his own form of payback by shooting those who bullied and picked on him and other’s like him.

A very popular local radio talk show host here in PHX, Ankarlo, has gone on and on about this. He said if his kid was picked on he would go to the kids house and convince the parents to let the kids fight it out on the front lawn. He said that teaches the kids to stand up…or something. This is ridiculous and though I also think it is ridiculous how the Connecticut principle outlawed all touching (that seems more a fear of litigation than a supported policy) this is a very serious problem that needs more attention. Unfortunately if this is let slide until the lawyer’s weigh in, we’ll have a blunt, obtrusive law that won’t benefit either side. Parental involvement is the answer here though Bully’s can be made due to trauma in their own lives and if that is coming from their home then it can become extremely difficult to deal with.

Bullying is not just something that occurs in American schools. It takes place in the workplace at an astonishing rate and causes the same results. As a victim of workplace bullying, I have done a lot of reading and understand the victim is rarely believed when they explain what is going on, typically blamed for causing the problem, and it all happened by a chance meeting of the insecure bully we happened to run into in the school we attended or the workplace we chose. There is anti-bullying legislation pending in most states in America. Do your part to ensure all these pass and people are safe at school and at work from the psychological trauma bullying causes.

I agree with Matt. I tried to be a champion for my kids to model for them how to stand up for themselves. How else were they going to learn how to do it for themselves? I also told them don’t start a fight but if someone hits you, you end it.

They stuck up for their friends, especially those with physical or mental handicaps (not politically correct, I know) of any kind. A substitute teacher wrote a letter to the editor about my daughter doing just that. She received a lot of positive reinforcement for that. It remains a source of pride for her at age twenty-two.

When you stick together, it’s amazing how most bullies will back down.

America’s schools are overwhelmingly hypocritical when it comes to bullying. They say they don’t tolerate it, then they are sure to turn a blind eye so they “don’t tolerate any bulling that they see” which happens to be none. Our nation’s school administrators don’t care enough to step up. Bottom line. America’s students must be the ones to take charge. They must report “I was bullied– this is what happened, etc.” as if it were any other type of assault. Their parents must step up as well, because everyone knows how well faculty responds to the pleas of a subordinate student. Students must demand the respect they deserve as human beings. We can promote this attitude by teaching students not to be ashamed of the fact that they were bullied, and urge them to take immediate action to protect their futures.

I agree with the view “Protect the victims of bullying first; get the bullies out of the school.”

The teachers and principals who “disbelieve” or ignore the complaints are most likely
only afraid of the bullies (and more probably the bully’s parents).

I have been both bullied and a bully. I defended people who could not stand up for themselves one year. The next, when everyone I had helped turned on me, I became the bully, lashing out at those who got too close. Some children really do have a difficult row to hoe; what I really needed was the teachers to help. I tried to tell them that I was being picked on, but they just told me to get away from the situation as fast as possible. So much for their help. Public school is a dangerous place these days. No more compulsory education, at least in publicly funded schools.

We as a society are missing the point on bullying! We need to give the victim his dignity back. My technique allows that to happen in a non-threatening way. It has literally saved the lives of students who felt it was less painful to end their lives then to endure the emotional pain on a daily basis. GO TO MY WEBSITE FOR THE SOLUTION: givingvictimsavoice.com

Boy does thing ring home for me. I am female was bullied from 5th-8th grade. I clearly remember being afraid to go to the bathroom at school because they hung out in there and I’d be taunted and they’d try to kick doors in, I remember playing sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school, being physically ill Sun. night knowing I have to go to school on Monday, taking the long way to class and being late to avoid the bullies. It is just wrong. This was in the 70’s when parents said “tough it out”. “Sticks and stones.” Well that just doesn’t work. And you are afraid to tell your parents or a teacher for fear that the bullying will only get worse or they will attack you after school or on the bus. It stays with you believe me. I have a severe anxiety disorder which I wonder started back in those days by the constant worrying and stress which no kid that age should go through. I wonder what type of adults my tormenters turned into. What did their kids turn into. Do they look back and realize that they did it or not think twice about it. When I heard the story about the boy in Massachusetts that shot himself I felt my stomach drop and it all came rushing back to me like it was yesterday. I have a good life and have a job and family, but there is a tiny part of this that never leaves you. Part of me gets mad at myself because I think as an adult now. Why couldn’t I say stop it! Why couldn’t I tell? Today I’d probably give them the what for and pop somebody!

Another thing I might add, you always suspect the tormenter is going to be the druggie or the gang member or the “tough looking kid.” Mine were a group of girls from seemingly middle class families. I agree time to stop saying “Oh they must be abused at home, have a reason for doing it.” No, the ones being abused need to be listened to by parents and administrators at school and their feelings and safety first priority. The abusers should be severely reprimended or suspended and their parents held responsible. The ring leader in my case is still living in my hometown and tries to play herself off and a model citizen. I don’t think that attitude is something you “out grow” without being called out and atonment and/or therapy.