Sexpert Q&A: Am I Married to a Lesbian?
Dear Yvonne,
My wife admitted to making out with a girl in high school and she said it turned her on. She also refuses to fondle herself because it makes her feel like a lesbian. Am I married to a lesbian?
—Greg
Dear Greg,
Unless your wife is in the closet, you are not married to a lesbian. Many males and females experiment with members of the same sex in their youth because of sexual curiosities, opportunities and desires. It’s part of their sexual learning experience, and may be part of a questioning period for those sorting through their sexual orientation.
By sorting through the significance of this experience for your wife, you could ask her to share what it was about the experience turned her on. The taboo nature of the make out session may have been more of a turn on than the fact that it was with another female or a particular individual. Likewise, you can reassure her that pleasuring oneself doesn’t make you gay or lesbian. If she’s willing, explore why she holds this masturbation fear and what kind of messaging about sex from various sources may be holding her back from fully embracing her sexual nature.
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”
Tags: Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, experimenting, gay, Kissing, lesbian, masturbation, sex, sexual curiosity, sexuality, taboo
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Greg! Don’t complain…you have it made, man!
I am a happily married wife & mother who finds other women sexy & appealing. My husband is very supportive of me making out & having relations with other women… & no he does not watch or participate. It’s just a part of who I am. Do I think I am a lesbian or am I bi? No… I love being with my husband, but I do like being with women.
Relax…your wife is not a lesbian. I would ask her though if she would still be interested in being with women & explore that.
Don’t be so sure…. maybe she is in the closet. My ex-wife left me for a woman… and no, it wasn’t like a sitcom, it was terrible. It would be better for her to find out sooner rather than later, as mine took a very long time to slowly come out of the closet, and at the age of 38 she seemed to act like a narcisstic 18 year old…
If she’s a closeted lesbian, you don’t have it made at all. Please note that if you do get divorced, make sure that any alimony payments end if she cohabits with a woman, as most divorce decrees seem to assume any cohabitation can only be with the opposite sex.
If you’re seeking online support, and you really think she is a lesbian, try http://www.str8s.org, a resource for straight people who find themselves married to closeted gay and lesbian people. yes, it does happen, no it’s not a joke.
Greg, my wife and I had known each other since we were teenagers and after 20 years of cohabitating,13 years of marriage, and two children, she left me fopr a woman. It was hell going thru all the emotions of losing a wife and friend. Were it not for SSN (Straight Spouse Network) who knows where I would be today. I suggest you really talk to your wife about this. If she is a closeted lesbian, you need to find out now. I have to agree with what Scott said. Every word of it.
SUZANNE: You admit to enjoy making out & having relationships with women,
and you still enjoy being with your husband. Wonderful! But WHY don’t you see
youself as “Bi-sexual?” Sorry, but by the way 99% of the world defines the word,
You Do Qualify!
Greg, you are both adults. As hard as it is probably going to be, opening the communication is the only way to know how to label it, or even if it needs a label. That’s up to the two of you and only to the two of you. She did something with another woman, or girl depending on how old they were, and now seems to have some feelings of negativity or perverseness and so she doesn’t want to act on or do anything to remind herself of it. Maybe, since it turned her on, she’s afraid of what might happen if she allowed herself to think about it. As with all things, it seems to be a fear of the unknown, and I think your understanding and support will help. Denying it, or trying to label it without her telling you what it is could make life for both of you a lot worse, like some of the previous gentlemen noted. Tell her how you feel, if you know, and let her know you want to listen to her about the experience and how she feels. Together you can determine what it should be called, if anything. Good luck, Sir. I wish you both well.
Dude…I’m a female and bisexual. My man loves when I make out with chicks. If I were you I’d just shut up and perhaps seeing about doing a threeway.
Greg: I agree with the doctor. You probably are not married to a lesbian. Just because she got turned on does not mean she’s a lesbian. Rather, it sounds like your wife may have come from a very religious family where sexuality was frowned upon (she wasn’t Catholic or from the bible belt was she??). Maybe she was sexually abused as a kid. To me, it sounds like your wife may feel the way she does because of guilt issues. From your question, it sounds as if her revelation troubles you. Personally, I don’t care about what someone did when they were a teenager or prior to being with me. Besides, when you’re young, you experiment with lots of things – Teen101. If what your wife told you still bothers you, talk to your wife, and you both should see a counselor together. I’m somewhat of a free spirit and I also agree with Rachel…you go, girl! OW!!!!!