My situation is the reverse: I’m in shape, but my girlfriend has become obese over the past several years to the point where I’m no longer sexually attracted to her, and our love life has dropped to zero.

We’re both 50-something. Her attitude seems to be that being severely overweight is just a natural result of aging. I’ve tried delicately to broach the subject; she’s made it clear this is not something to be discussed.

I’m convinced my situation is much more common than the reverse, as many if not most women seem to be of the opinion that any man is privileged to have sex with them regardless of their weight or size.

What about the converse situation?

My girlfriend and I are both 50-something. I’ve always been and am still in good shape—good diet, superfoods, and exercise. She gave up on her health & fitness several years ago & is now borderline morbidly obese; in fact, she said one of her doctors told her she’s clinically morbidly obese.

It’s to the point at which I’m no longer sexually attracted to her, and our love life is now ZERO. I’ve tried to delicately broach the subject; her response has been to strongly indicate this is off limits.

Any suggestions?

My situation is the opposite: I’m a 50-something guy who’s kept in shape, but whose 50-something girlfriend has completely given up on health and is now borderline morbidly obese. My subtle attempts to discuss this with her have brought messages that this is off limits. I think she’s accepted her extreme weight gain and change in body type as inevitable results of aging.

As a result, my sexual attraction for her and our sex life have fallen to ZERO.

Any comments or suggestions?

Monnie, Get over it. Here’s a suggestion… if it’s that important that you post 3 times with different word choice just get rid of her. It’s apparent that you don’t love her. You selfish selfish little man.

Here’s a suggestion for you. Get over it or get rid of her. You posted 3 times with different word choice saying the same thing. You don’t love her you selfish selfish little man. Shame on you.

buy her slimfast

Counselling, permission of mistress or brothel visits, regimented obese bootcamp, divorce and not necessarily in that order. Pretty much equals = talk about it, talk about it some more with more people present, help her lose the weight with diet and exercise, find a lover just to fufill your sexual needs, leave her. In your case if you are a pretty in shape 50+ guy and this is just your girlfriend and she wont even talk about the subject then dump her, if she doesnt even care about herself how can she care about you, also if she wont even talk about it then how can you talk about other problems in the relationship?

Yeah Monnie, I’ve got a suggestion for you… honesty. You can either accept her as she is, which is obviously not working for you, or you can sit her down and, with carefully-chosen words, explain to her that things need to change. Offer to help with the shopping and cooking if you’re not already. Offer to help her with an exercise regimen, pointing out how good it makes you feel, and how you want her to be healthy because you want her around a long time. Lavish her with compliments whenever she does something to improve her health. Hopefully she’ll realize that not taking care of herself is selfish on her part.

Since you’re not married, if she’s not willing to change I’d move on, 50-something or not. You obviously already resent her for letting herself go, and as a sex-starved guy there’s a good chance you’ll end up cheating on her if the opportunity arises. It’s better to have this conversation now and risk the consequences than waste more years of your life being unhappy and resentful, and possibly ending up wrecking things with an affair.

Hey Monnie–don’t claim that more women are on the obese side of the relationship just because your significant other has made you bitter. I’ve seen a fair share of men with beer bellies who have let themselves go. Suggestions–talk to her about it or shut up about it.

In the last six months, I’ve put on a few pounds and have noticed a little more huffing and puffing on my part during sex. In that same six months, my gf has also put on a few herself but still has the same drive and energy as before. It frustrates me sometimes…so I’ve modified my meal quantities and types along with increased exercise – it’s helping.

Monnie: if you’re not happy with your girlfriend, move on. Life is too short to fret about crap like that. You will find someone who is more compatible with you. I wouldn’t worry about carefully selecting the words you will say – that will only make you rethink your position and will probably put you on the defensive as it sounds like she is a little controlling based on your comments. Just tell her how you feel, put her to the curb, and go enjoy life. She, too, will find someone else.

hi mis

Monnie,

I appreciate your concern. As a morbidly obese woman I’ve heard it all. There are many reasons for weight gain. Has your girlfriend had a physical?

It also sounds like she is very defebsive and emotionally disturbed by her weight as well. It may be a side effect of medications, depression, thyroid issues, and slowing metabolism.

I know with me, my major weight gain always happened after an injury where I wasn’t able to exersize.

In addidion, I’d get your testosterone checked as your lack of desire may be caused by revulsion of her new body type. However, obesity can take some time to manifest.

Don’t use her weight as an excuse. If the emotional connection never developped like it should, move on. She may run into a chubby-chaser who loves her body type.

Regards,

Noni

The end is near on all this pressure to be poltically correct when discussing obesity. The rooster has come home to roost as we are about to see massive numbers of obese people with diabetes, heart problems, etc… dying off or becoming disabled long before their retirement years. The current postings show this as people have attacked a man with a serious question. Apparently when someone is addicted to drugs and alcohol women say– leave, leave, leave, but when a man brings up a woman addicted to food– its “circle the wagons ladies” and tear this guy apart– we don’t believe in honesty here.

Enjoy your food ladies. I can post this 3 times if it would make you feel better.

Hang-ups like this are not generally anything to do with weight or physical fitness. They are all about the relationship, or lack thereof. Sometimes putting on weight can even be a way to push one’s husband or wife away without actually filing divorce papers.

Interesting responses to Monnies’ postings. Illustrates how emotional this issue is. Weight gain does increase health risks, causes self esteem and confidence loss for most people, does affect sexual attractiveness for both sexes. While I believe “my worth is not my weight,” I accept that many males find a woman who is significantly overweight sexually unattractive. I do not find men who are significantly overweight sexually attractive. This not a hostile statement-just a fact in my life-so why should I be angry because others feel the same.
Since this is a long term relationship, the advice to be honest, sensitive, open and supportive (not controlling) is constructive. The lady is entitled to this. Monnie is entitled to her caring enough about the relationship that she will make an effort to address the situation. I wish them luck.
Wickedwitch

Wow. Really some interesting responses.

OK, Monnie may have posted 3 times because of lag. In other words, he hit send and nothing poped up so he wrote the piece again, hit send. Repeat. Interesting how some of you jump straight to thinking he did it on purpose. Would’nt want on a jury. Also interesting that you call him selfish when it appears he has tried to work with his enlarged GF, which indicates that he is not a jerk but is having problems with her issues after trying to help. Would you who challenge him stick around if your partner let themselves go? Dumped their job, stopped taking care of themselves, whatever?

Others posted thoughtful pieces that have some value for this discussion. Lot to consider. Thanks.

Monnie, I feel very sorry for you. You must have issues about yourself, or you would have moved on by now. You obviously do not love her in any way shape (no pun intended) or form. If you were confident in yourself as a sex partner, you would leave already and let her move on herself. Poor little man.

Monnie I believe in your situation its more about her happiness. You should look into find her help. I myself am not as skinny as I used to be and will probably never see that size again. But I also i’m trying harder now to lose weight. I gained weight during pregnacy and not everyone loses it just like that and not everyone (my husband can eat junk all day and never gain a puond). I was gaining and gaining becuase I was unhappy in myself and in my life and I believe this plays an important part in my weight issues. Please remember why you fell in love with this woman and think about her. She sounds like she has other issues fuming her self esteem issues.

The posts about first talking to your GF and tell her how you feel and are willing to work with and help her. If she is not interested then the choice is yours. There is someone out there for everybody. If this person is not fitting the bill move on.

Monnie: Key word… You said “Girl Friend”. Thus, you ain’t married to the problem.

Whatever, people grow at different rates and directions in a relationship. You need to recognize that she’s happy watching Oprah and having her snacks within reach of the couch.

Only two things get better with age–cheese & wine— not bad news. She’s told you though her actions, (putting on the pounds, munch , munch, munch) and in her dialogue – her ill-conceived idea “that being severely overweight is just a natural result of aging”.

The question is: What are YOU going to do about it?

a. Accept it – You don’t seem to want to do that.
b. Leave – You don’t seem to want to do that.

If she’s lazing around and letting herself go, MOVE ON…. Unless SHE’S paying the rent.

Which is it, homeboy? Are you one of those guys who loves the comfort of prison?

Well, in a few years, your sex drive will reduce significantly, so if you want to go to the grave knowing the last sex you had was in 1996, go for it dude!

It’s sad that women feel that anyone who doesn’t agree with their mentality or opinion are just pigs… period. There’s a simple fact… sex for men is mostly a physical thing. That’s not to say that we don’t “make love” to women; but, by-and-large, sex is a physical act. To that end, our partners have to be physically appealing to us. Please note I didn’t say “36-24-26″… simply physically attractive to us. That may be hard for women to understand, but just as women crying over certain things makes us scratch our heads, it’s just something you have to accept.

That said, I think that Monnie needs to explain to her that there’s a physical nature to our sexual desires. That due to some physical changes she has undergone that his mind/body respond differently with those changes. He also needs to discuss the obvious health concerns involved (which her doctor already should have). If she’s not willing to change for him or herself, then that says more than his issue with her physical attractiveness. Hard to care about someone when they don’t care about themselves. After tests and other issues are taken (to rule out thyroid, etc.), then it comes down to her desire. Health or eating/exercise habits.

Monnie
I was in your exact position. I had a 2 yr relationship with a very pretty woman. She was a little heavy when we started dating but i told her up front i expected her to loose some weight. I’m in very good shape and expect my partner to be also. She never would. We talked about it till i got sick of it. If you try and she refuses do like i did. Cut her loose but don’t go back like i did. She will loose weight when you leave but pile it back on when you return. Once you cut the cord don’t look back. Now i have a BEAUTIFUL wife that stay in shape with me and so far this year i’ve only missed sex 41 days. When you both feel sexy you will find less excuses to avoid sex.
HAPPY NOW

Contrary to what “modern” society says, if she isn’t your wife, you shouldn’t be having sex with her, period, and you know it.

It’s a sad commentary on people, when most of you either condem the woman for being FAT and LAZY, or want to get her help for what obviously must be a metal diesiese because she is FAT.

Not everyone has to be the stick figure model to be a loving, worthwhile person. There could be many reasons this woman is gaining weight, one of which may be she enjoys food, and really does not see anything wrong with the way she looks!
If you don’t like larger people try to act like you do when you don’t like Hispanic people, Asian people, African people, Gay people, etc….not condemn them for who they are and try and find a cure for their condition.
Not everyone needs to be the same.
Monnie move on so this woman can find a man who loves her, not the shell she lives in right now.

Monnie: dump your girlfriend…just do it! You will be much happier. You are probably feeling sorry for her which is why you haven’t moved on already. I personally don’t care for women who don’t take care of themselves. After a while they don’t want to do what they did when you met, then they get depressed and complain about their lives or the relationship, then don’t want sex because of how they feel. Then they get put to the curb. Move on and find someone else who is more in tune with you.

Poor Meg,
She posted the original question, and everyone gets sidetracked with Monnie.
To Meg. Perhaps if you stroke his ego (among other things) at let him know you find him attractive, he will accept himself with the extra pounds. Since we are empty-nesters we have a clothing optional rule in my house. And we both find we prefer nude.

Monnie… hit the eject button. Life is too short.

Meg, ok, tell your man to grow a pair and stop being such an idiot. Most men like directness. If he still is moaning about his weight gain but wont go to the gym or walk the dog or push away from the table, then get something on the side going if you don’t want a divorce.

Monnie, same for you dude. Let her know how you feel. If she doesn’t change then hit the road. Life is too short to be miserable. If, on the other hand, she is your sugar mamma, then turn the lights out and close your eyes tight.

When a woman doesn’t care about her partner and takes for granted he is with her, she lets herself go and starts to gain weight till she reaches the point of obesity. You have to love yourself first before you can be able to love someone else. Loving yourself involves taking care of your body and your mind.
I get tempted with junk and sweets but always think first what it can do to me; the weight gain and the health issues that come with it. It is all about attitude and how well you decide what is more important to you, some extra pounds or having great sex and looking good at any age. I chose the latter cause it sure makes a lot of sense to feel good about yourself and not be miserable with all the fat that can only make you miserable in the long run.

I’m 42, female and not in perfect shape but still under 125 lbs at 5′4”. My problem is my partner is 60 and was a marathon runner when we met 8 years ago. Since then he has gained a signifigant amount of weight in the belly,stopped running,eats way too much of the wrong foods at the wrong times and just started going to the gym sporadically. We have 4 dogs that he hasn’t walked in a year except once the other day. My other problem is I’m completely turned off by his physique and he still wants sex every day. What in teh he*& do you do with that? Also due to some blood pressure,etc. problems has trouble with the ‘act” yet wants to keep trying, thereby wasting my time. FRUSTATING.

Quitplayinghouse…..are you serious? Probably nobody here is terribly interested in your oppressive faith.

John G……it’s fine to talk about not be predjudiced against obese people, but to say that obesity is excusable because people like to eat is TERRIBLE!!! Being Hispanic, or African-American, or homosexual is not a huge health-risk in and of itself. Being obese is. I’m talking about health and quality of life here, not sex appeal. People killing themselves slowly with food is as lamentable as any other addiction/abuse. Please don’t contribute to this growing disease in America by defending obesity and telling people it is okay. It is not. It needs to be treated just like any other disease.

I too was once overweight. I did not know that my husband found my unattractive, because he never said so even when I asked. Our sex life dwindled….but when I confronted him about it he would say that it was because he was experienceing erectile dysfuntion from medication. If he had just ONCE told me that it was because I was overweight, I would have lost weight immediately. 2 years ago I decided to lose the weight and am now a very thin, sexy partner. He only revealed to me lately that he had found me disgusting and was too repulsed to have sex with me then. Funny…… now he has the big belly and I am sexy. I feel lied to and cheated out of years of sex. I feel like cheating on him…not because he is out of shape….but because he lied to me for so long.

You are talking about a girlfriend. Not a marriage partner, no children involved. It is not possible to “make” another person loose weight. Any attempt to do that will fail and make you both miserable. If her weight is too much for you, dump her and move on.

You have a very good point Scarecrow. Obesity is a serious health risk and one can attempt to treat it, but that is very difficult. The obese person must value losing weight more than eating and no one else can do it for him or her, or in my opinion have much effect on the results. I have been through a divorce in my younger days, partly because of this problem. It was painful, being married with children. But I felt I was too young to settle for a life with an obese partner. That was not the only issue but perhaps the main one.

Anyone that has actually done research, instead of sat around coming up with excuses, will tell you that a VERY MINIMAL percentage of obesity is genetic or thyroid or any of the many other excuses people like to give themselves as an excuse. Most people who swear up and down that they’ve tried everything really haven’t. Well maybe they have “tried” but they didn’t actually do it – ie stick to the calorie count, get the daily exercise, etc.

Personally, I find it ridiculous that so many people (of both genders) think that once they “get” their partner, they have to put little to no effort into maintaining their appearance. The bottom line is if you want a great relationship, always act like you’re still dating. Get dressed up, take care of yourself, be flirty with each other, etc. etc.

Being obese is not a disability no matter how many people want to convince themselves and everyone else that it is. It isn’t genetic because you are obese and so is your mom or your kid, it is more likely that you all live together and probably have the same horrible dietary and activity habits.

There is nothing wrong with Monnie saying he isn’t interested in his girlfriend anymore. I’m a woman and I will flat out admit that if my husband became obese I would look at him differently. I probably wouldn’t drop him on his butt but I wouldn’t sit around thinking about ripping his clothes off.

People who become overweight after getting into a relationship are probably manifesting psychological symptoms of insecurity related to the relationship. We have examples here of uncommitted couples having sexual intercourse and that is an emotional minefield, especially for someone who is not psychologically strong and comfortable with oneself. It looks like the entire society needs to backtrack and re-prioritize. Obesity is one way of avoiding the real issues of rejection (if a long-time lover is not willing to make you his wife, for instance), a lack of emotional intimacy (when sex is cheap it takes the place of slowly growing into a true, loving, selfless intimacy, and true emotional connection is never established), and poor feelings of self-worth (uncommitted sexual relationships degrade the sense of purpose and belonging that are necessary for couples). Obesity is merely a symptom. The couple in such a scenario would benefit from couples counseling as well as a plan for increased spirituality.

i like doiing fat girls where do you live.