A Killer in the Family
The recent murder cases of Annie Le at Yale, possibly by 24-year-old Yale lab technician Raymond Clark, and of Trisha Leffler by accused Craigslist killer Philip Markoff obviously took the lives of two young women and shattered the lives of their families. I have treated parents of murdered children, as well as their siblings, and know that the surface scars may fade over time, but that the internal emotional bleeding—the complicated grief—never seems to end.
Less attention is paid to the other victims of such horrific crimes—the families, girlfriends and friends of the killers. Both Raymond Clark and Philip Markoff were not only the sons of mothers and fathers, but both men were engaged to be married. In both cases, if convictions are obtained, their fiancés are left to pick up the pieces of their psyches, battered by the knowledge that they had loved and committed themselves to men who were pathologically violent.
When one’s son or daughter, husband or wife, or fiancé turns out to be a stranger full of darkness, it is a reckoning with reality like few others. I have counseled such individuals and seen the tears in their eyes and the stress in their faces as they tried to make sense of how someone seemingly so close to them could have been, in fact, infinitely far removed. If people who profess their love can keep their darkest truths under wraps, who and what can be trusted in the world?
Many, many people know something about the challenges that face the “survivors” of intimate connections with murderers. After all, my practice has long been populated by those who were injured by assailants who played the role of parents, teachers and mentors. Their ability to trust is often long in being reborn, relying not a little bit on how trustworthy and reliable I can be as a clinician. Such is the miracle of human empathy: the example of a decent, caring relationship can mend some of the damage done by a harmful one, even a predatory one.
Yet to have lived with or loved a killer is a special case. The journey back from that kind of terror and self-doubt has several ingredients. First, it has to be said that there are among us men (and women) who can indeed wear what the great psychiatrist Hervey Cleckley called a mask of sanity. Having buried their destructiveness and rage deep inside them (until it explodes) they become people imitating people, doing those things that seem kind and respectful, without feeling kind or respectful. They are playacting, and they can be better at it than the best actor in any movie. Scott Peterson, who killed his wife Laci and their unborn son Conner, was such a man—likeable, with good manners, able to win women over with one-liners harvested from movies and chilled champagne tucked in a backpack for a romantic hike.
So those who share their lives with killers can take some solace in the fact that many pass themselves off as normal, even to law enforcement officials and psychiatrists. That’s the easy part.
The harder part is understanding that there can be a reason why those who turn out to have loved killers find themselves in that rare psychological territory. And often that relates to their own willingness to distance themselves from core feelings of anger and anxiety and accept the surface of things. Very often the lovers and best friends and even parents of killers have had traumatic life experiences that paved the way for them turning a blind eye to their emotions and instincts, making them the ideal partners for predators.
Predators can sense when they are in the presence of others who will take them at their word.
Like most of our emotional challenges in life, the biggest hurdle to healing for those with a killer in the family is looking inside themselves, at the very things they have tried to avoid seeing.
Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement including www.livingthetruth.com. Dr. Ablow can be emailed at info@keithablow.com.
Tags: annie le, Craigslist, Craigslist killer, Dr. Keith Ablow, family, Harvard, killer, murder, naples, Phillip Markoff, predator, predators, Raymond Clark, tab technician, Trisha Leffler, violent, Yale
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Does this apply to those who are married to someone who can deceive and commit a crime without a trace of discovery to family until caught? I feel I must have worn a sign on my forehead that said “Sucker” My children were robbed of their childhood and went on to become over-achievers and trust is an issue as well as a sense of entitlement. Their father feels entitled to respect and does not look back at the destruction.
This article is extremely interesting. I am a retired social worker retired due to complete burn out from staff who doesn’t care about people. I see social workers, often in supervisory positions, are imitating social workers, playing a part. I do not see that in other occupations, even where there is burnout. My hypothesis is that child welfare makes people mean. Perhaps life does that to some, makes them mean, hard, and so they become actors. There is a disconnect between what they do and who they are. Their work never represents personal integrity, compassion, or kindness for the sheer sake of caring what happens. In their lives, there is no mercy. I actually think that about our current president after having watched him with his family and listened to his unguarded statements. I have never seen him look at his children with pride for who they are, or as children who he loves deeply. I have seen people look at their families with so much love that I’ve had to look away because such looks are intense and intimate. I almost felt like I was trespassing on their hearts. So, I will keep your article. I, by the way, am enrolled in a nursing program, where I hope to stay nice, deep down nice in my heart and mind, and I will respect my own sense of mercy to hurting people.
Helen Willis
Thirty years ago, my first husband tried to kill me and then killed himself, leaving my a paraplegic. People often ask me why he did it. Its really hard not to know the answer. There isn’t one specific thing. In reading your article, I saw both of us described accurately. He had been traumatized by living with his father who was a brutal man. All three of his children were a complete mess. The poor mother was a skittish (sic) shell of the woman she must have once been before this man robbed her of her beauty and her liviliness. She herself was an empty shell.
I had been traumatized in my own family of origin and, just as you said, I ignored my instincts which were telling me to RUN.
Your article has helped me to understand, to some degree, who he was because I obviously had no idea. It also helped me understand why I let things happen to me.
I am in therapy now, after 30 years, because I carry so much baggage from my youth, from my early years and for 18 years I’ve been married to someone who is cold and uncaring. I know why I chose him. Now I know why he chose me. At least we have two wonderful sons and I am trying my hardest to break the chain.
Wow, Dr. Ablow.
This post hits really close to home for me.
Although I’ve never been close to a killer (to my knowledge, unless maybe that one guy… Is there a part of CPR involving ramming your elbow into someone’s chest over and over again? I was confused when he told me the story. I’m totally serious.), I have definitely been one to “accept the surface of things”, and “turn a blind eye” to the reality of a person or situation.
This tendency definitely stems from my upbringing in a home with a very unpredictable person.
Sweep it all under the rug, I thought…
Those like me, and all the other much more tragic survivors, really do need to look deep down within ourselves, and into our pasts, in order to stop this cycle.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ablow!