Just when I thought Joe Jackson (Michael’s “father”) might be my poster boy for reprehensible parenting, you’ve come along to challenge him for the honor.  According to media reports, you tried to pick up your own daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, with the one-two punch, “You have a drink?  You have a car?”
 
You are quoted as telling Vanity Fair contributing editor Leslie Bennetts, “I’m a hopeless father. I don’t know why.  I don’t think I was supposed to be a father. Just look around at my work—they’re either in jail or they should be.”  You go on to say that you aren’t in touch with your children any longer and have “never been happier.”
 
Here’s a psychological newsflash:  Not recognizing your own daughter is the kind of thing that gets etched on your tombstone, under the heading SCUMBAG.  Trying to pick her up at Farrah’s funeral—or any woman’s—goes right underneath that entry.  And stating publicly that you’re happier not seeing or speaking to your own kids makes it a Trifecta.  You’re gonna keep some guy who etches letters in granite very busy.
 
No wonder Tatum was hooked on heroin and Redmond is in jail for a drug offense.  You obviously have a really bad habit of inflicting pain on people, and they turn to one or another intoxicant to try to relieve it. I mean, it’s one thing to try picking up your adult daughter, it’s another to do whatever you did to her as a little girl.  Exactly what was that, Ryan?
 
I know, you think I’m being a little hard on you, but I’m not. 
 
See, when I use the term “scumbag,” I mean it in the clinical sense, and with no hatred toward you, whatsoever.  I mean that something happened to you in your own personal development that led you to think so little of yourself and so little of others that you can’t see the beauty it is to bring a new life into this world and be able to nourish it.  You must question your own self-worth so deeply that now the only thing you can pay attention to is how to pump yourself up narcissistically and avoid the deeper questions you have about whether you’re worth anything at all—to yourself or anyone else.
 
You tell Ms. Bennetts that you’d “take back” your kids—as in, return them to their Maker; as in, kill them off.  Well, you came close, setting them up for their drug abuse.  But here’s the thing:  The real ambivalence you have at core isn’t about them at all.  It’s about you and whether you deserve to exist.  I don’t believe you could have been well-loved and turn out unable to love.  Your own family somehow made you wonder whether you deserved to be born, whether you were really a keeper.  How?
 
You did deserve to live. You were once an innocent child, full of human potential and the capacity to love yourself and others endlessly.  You were cheated of that potential, and I am sorry that happened to you.  Now, facing the particular traumas you lived through and feeling all the pain of having lived through them is the only way back to being fully human.
 
Life is an amazing journey and, even with you facing leukemia, the end isn’t written until a man’s last acts and final words.  You can still reclaim your humanity and capacity to love and offer it to the children you brought into this world.  And then very different words might mark your resting place and very different things may be said of you.
 
I have seen people resurrected by embracing the truth at 18, and at 48, and at 78.  It is never, ever too late. 

Dear Mr. Jackson:

The occasion of your child’s death is a moment when all parents, including me, offer you every wish for strength and God’s healing power in the face of your loss.  Any father or mother can sense the tragedy it is to lose a son or daughter, yet no one who has not suffered such a loss can truly know your pain.

I would write no more than this were it not for the fact that you have used the occasion of your son’s passing and the attendant publicity to also promote your own business ventures, including your new record label.  This makes me feel it important, as a psychiatrist with access to the media, to reach out to you, with other parents and their adult children “listening” in. 

The foundation of our nation assures each person in this great country of certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Great leaders and courageous soldiers have safeguarded these rights for our citizens, and they would make a decent Bill of Rights for parents raising children, too.  Fathering a child, you see, means far more than participating in a child’s conception and witnessing his birth; it means doing everything possible to optimize that child’s life.  This requires many acts of love and self-sacrifice. It pays immeasurable dividends in the growing self-confidence and autonomy you witness developing in the child you care so much about.

Somehow, perhaps because of pain suffered in your own early life experience, you stole that God-given potential for healthy development from your son.  You have admitted lashing him with a belt or a switch when he failed to perform dance steps to your standards.  According to him, you called him ugly when acne affected him as a teenager.  You brutalized him by placing your own pathologic need for control and for “success” above his needs for security and comfort and self-esteem.  In a very real way, you buried enough of his love for himself that he was no longer comfortable with his race or age or sexuality or even his great fortune.  Trying to please a father who beats you with a belt for missing a dance step will do that to you.

Now, even when saying goodbye to your son, you think of yourself and your business.  You are deprived of a purer life and love.  This makes me feel badly for you, but feel worse for the son you injured so deeply. 

Some will see you only as a monster.  I know that monsters are made through cruelties suffered in life; they never spring fully-formed onto the planet.

In your quiet moments, I hope that you can dig up the roots of the emotional and physical violence you visited upon your child.  One of the wonderful things about still being on the planet is that you always have some chance to win back the potential for real humanity buried inside you.  

Here’s a hint:  Success or failure in becoming human isn’t measured in record sales or reflected in the lenses of television cameras.  You have to look much, much deeper.

Michael Jackson’s sudden death by cardiac arrest is less shocking than the slow, but steady demise of his soul, which turned him into a music machine fueled by addictions to drugs, money, possessions, fame and plastic surgery.  As my friend and fellow journalist Josh Resnek has remarked, Jackson’s body died at 50; the rest of him died much younger.

Jackson’s life story is a cautionary tale about what happens when a child is deprived of his core self.  That deprivation likely stemmed from what Jackson himself described as the physical and psychological brutality of his father Joe, who reportedly whipped him and verbally abused him and monetized his talents from age 10 through endless rehearsals and performances of The Jackson 5.  Now Joe is planning a big, public funeral for his twice-dead son, keeping him on the stage even after he is gone from this earth.

Jackson’s first, long, tortuous death was a gradual stopping of his metaphorical heart—the heart of a boy harnessed to a father’s tyrannical plans to enslave him.  It left him uncertain whether anything at all was authentic about him, whether there was anything whatsoever he could embrace as the truth. 

He was forever ambivalent about his race, bleaching or otherwise altering his skin tone to appear Caucasian. 

He was forever ambivalent about his facial structure, undergoing plastic surgeries until his nose seemed in danger of falling off his face, his chin became a caricature of the kind with a cleft he must have admired on other people’s faces, and his jaw line became a haunting skeletal representation of just how dead he really was inside.

He seemed forever ambivalent about his gender, because he could not claim even that as his own, morphing from tough guy to girl in appearance and garb. 

He seemed ambivalent about his age, living in an amusement park he built, with zoo animals on display.  Could he have actually missed the fact that he was a caged animal himself, thrilling crowds with his exotic movements and appearance? 

He may have been ambivalent or twisted about what pleased him sexually, given his habit of inviting young boys into his bed and his history of having paid out $20 million to settle a child sexual molestation suit.

He staged sham marriages and “fathered” children who appeared wearing carnival masks in public—all part of the show.  He dangled his baby boy over a railing for his fans, in what may have been the starkest representation of how he felt his own life had ended shortly after birth. 

The distance between a man’s mind and his core self — his soul — is the breeding place for anxiety and depression.  And Jackson apparently tried to contain those unwieldy emotions in the predictable ways — drugging himself by acquiring possessions and trying to shut up the long-dying person inside him with opiates and tranquilizers.  Then the truth asserted itself in the final way it sometimes does.  It stopped his heart suddenly, when, for all intents and purposes, it had not been beating (not for real) for decades.

Most adults remember being bullied or witnessing bullying during their school days. Most current students cite the same experience, but how bullying is being handled has changed.

Bullying has become a top priority for schools across the country, and many are working hard to prevent it. Bullying is the repeated imposition of power from one child to another and can include verbal threats or insults, physical threats or abuse, or non-verbal threats or abuse, such as spreading rumors about another child. It’s important to know that this can take place in person or via the internet, such as through social networking sites. 

Boys and girls typically bully differently. Boys typically resort to more physical methods, while girls typically utilize verbal strategies, although it is not uncommon for each group to use other approaches. Signs your child is being bullied include becoming quiet or withdrawn, frequent trips to the nurse’s office, refusal to go to school, and withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities, such as teams or social groups. Acting out is not typically associated with children who are being bullied. As a parent, knowing your child is being targeted is one of the most painful and difficult things you can encounter.

Here are some tips to help guide your child through this complicated time:

Be supportive.
Listen to your child as he shares his experience and feelings about being bullied. Praise him for speaking about the situation, especially if he was brave enough to approach you without prompting. Children who are bullied are often afraid to report their situations for fear of retribution for “tattling.” By opening up, he has begun the process of ending the bullying and should be reinforced for doing so.

Build confidence.
Find activities that build your child’s confidence and occupy her time. Individual sports, such as karate or swimming, may be best to start with as your child may worry about becoming a part of a team and opening herself to more uncomfortable social situations.

Contact your child’s school.
Even if the bullying has not taken place on school grounds, it is important that staff is aware of the relationship between your child and the person or people who are intimidating him. Many schools have videos or books on bullying that they can share with you and your child. You can also establish a safe place for your child to go if he feels he is being threatened, such as the principal’s office or the guidance counselor’s office.

Use the buddy system.
Encourage your child to seek one or two safe friends at school and stick with them, especially during times bullying is most likely to occur, such as recess and traveling to and from school. Establish relationships with the parents of your child’s friends and make them aware of the situation.  If bullying typically occurs during the trips to and from school, drive your child or ask a neighbor or friend to do so. Although this step alone may not end the bullying, it provides your child with a bit more security and safety.

Stay involved.
Have access to your children’s email and social networking accounts so you can monitor their activity. Your child could be bullied while sitting right in your living room. Knowing your child’s circle of friends will also help you monitor appropriate or inappropriate relationships, and will help you keep track of friendships that are deteriorating. You can broach the subject by saying “I notice you are not hanging out with (name) much anymore. Why is that?”  If your child does not give you a direct reason, there may be more to the story.

Many professionals frown upon advising children to ignore the bullying, as it sends the message that adults will ignore it too. If you are still unsure of what to say to your child and feel you need more extensive support, seek the help of a health care professional, such as a psychologist or social worker.

Bullying is not just “kids being kids.” It is hurtful, unhealthy, and has the potential to cause long-term emotional and physical damage. Being informed and involved may save your child from this painful situation.

Jennifer Cerbasi teaches at a public school for children on the autism spectrum in New Jersey. As a coordinator of Applied Behavioral Analysis programs in the home, she works with parents to create and implement behavioral plans for their children in an environment that fosters both academic and social growth. In addition to her work both in the classroom and at home, she is also a member of the National Association of Special Education Teachers and the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

Dear Mr. Brown:
We have never met.  I don’t presume to know your life story.  If the allegations against you are true, however, and you did brutalize your girlfriend, I do know something very important about you. 

First, you should know a little about me.  I am a forensic psychiatrist who has treated violent men and women and testified as an expert in state and federal courts in cases involving rape, assault and murder.  On more than one occasion, I have testified about the underlying psychological dynamics that resulted in men killing women.  I also wrote the New York Times bestseller Inside the Mind of Scott Peterson.  You would have been just 16 when Peterson was sentenced to death for the murder of his wife Laci and unborn son Conner.  I tell you all this to increase the chances you might actually take what I have to say to heart before you ruin your life and destroy someone else’s. 

Here’s what I know about you, if you are guilty of the charges against you:  You are different from the vast majority of men.  You have been emotionally and physically violent toward a woman, and I believe you’ve done it before.  Men who find themselves in court for assaulting females rarely have the good fortune to be caught—and, hopefully, get help—the first time. 

Psychologically speaking, what you are up against is like psychological cancer—a malignancy that is life threatening and hard to treat.  Just when you think you’ve overcome it, it can overtake you.  It is deep in the marrow of your mind or brain or both.  I don’t like your odds against it—even a little bit.  Defeating it will take an act of will greater than any you have summoned before.

For one reason or another, you lack the empathy or impulse control that would have allowed you to restrain yourself from lashing out when anger surged inside you.  This is no small matter.  Empathy is a miraculous human quality that allows one human being to imagine the suffering of another and seek to minimize it whenever possible (not inflict it).  Impulse control is closely linked to having empathy, but can also depend on parts of the brain—especially the frontal lobes—functioning appropriately.  Impulse control also depends on being sober.  Alcohol or an illicit drug is often the culprit when violence erupts.

If you lack empathy, your character is badly damaged, and it is essential that you figure out how that occurred.  You need to examine which events in your life were so painful that you stopped feeling your own sadness and hurt and tried to keep everything buried inside you.   That doesn’t work.  The things you bury never go away, they get more intense, then spill out of you in ways you can’t predict or control.   Only a skilled therapist can help you look at yourself in the way you need to now, to unearth the emotions you’ll need to in order to have any hope of remaking yourself into the kind of man you deserve to be—a man of character who can form loving relationships, not abusive ones.  And only a psychiatrist can prescribe whatever medicine might be needed in the short or longer-term to help you keep your demons from getting the upper hand again while you wrestle with them.

Character pathology often goes hand-in-hand with alcohol and drug problems.  That’s because alcohol and drugs are another way people try not to feel the turmoil inside them.  But, trust me, it’s a sucker’s game.   Ultimately, booze or coke or heroin only fuel the ugly things inside a person.   If you’re using and think you can stop on your own, think again.  You’re in a war, and you’re losing.  Check yourself into a rehab, if you have to.  Get to AA or NA, if you have to.  Do more than you think you need to.  You’ll underestimate your enemy.  Every alcohol or drug abuser does.

Go see a neurologist, for good measure.  Tell him or her that you need to know if there’s any damage to your brain—maybe from prior head trauma—that could leave you without normal neurological defenses against your underlying anger. 

You’ll mount a vigorous defense in court, of course.   Nobody wants to go to jail.  But don’t defend against the truth you know in your heart of hearts.  Whatever unresolved rage is inside you isn’t under your control, and you’d better get the upper hand over it—and soon.  Someone could end up dead.  You could end up living a life behind bars.  You weren’t born for either tragedy.  You can do better.

One last thing:  Think about your children.  I know you don’t have any today, but you might some day.  Think about the fact that they’ll see your girlfriend’s battered face on the Internet years from now.  They’ll know what people said about you.  Let yourself feel some shame over that.  You’ll want to be able to tell them how much you’ve changed, how it wasn’t easy (because it won’t be), but how they, too, can defeat any ugliness they find inside them, if they don’t try to run away from it.

Turn and face the truth about yourself.  One day, with a lot of hard work, a lot of help and some luck, you could be proud of what you see.   It’s a noble goal—maybe the most noble of all.  Now is the time to embrace it.
 
-Keith Ablow, MD

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com or e-mail him at info@keithablow.com.

R & B star Rihanna is reportedly back together with singer Chris Brown, risking her life for “love,” after he allegedly beat her so badly, anyone who saw her bruised face cringed.

Like many battered women, Rihanna doesn’t seem to see the danger in dancing with a violent man who has proven he can’t control his destructive impulses.  That’s because her vision is clouded by passion or naivete or whatever dark chapter of her own life she may be replaying now by “playing with fire.”

Rihanna’s father has apparently blessed his daughter’s decision, saying he’s “behind her,” whatever she decides.  That’s not loving your child; it’s letting her walk into the abyss, and it may be the best window on why Rihanna can’t stand up for herself.  Maybe no one ever did—even her dad.

If the allegations about Brown are true, the likelihood that he was “caught” the very first time he abused a woman is remote.  More likely, there have been other episodes of uncontrolled rage in his life and that there will be more.  Men who abuse women aren’t usually one-time offenders.  They lack the internal restraint necessary to control their impulses, or they harbor deep resentment toward females (often rooted in experiences and emotions from when they were much younger) or their behavior and judgment is impaired by alcohol or illicit drugs.  Very frequently, they have personality disorders, whether narcissistic or paranoid or antisocial.  They are entirely focused on their own needs and enraged when they aren’t met.

Rihanna proves that she doesn’t understand any of this by returning to her relationship with Brown so quickly.  There’s no possibility that he completed any anger management course or detoxed from any drug he might be on or delved deeply enough into his psyche to exorcise any demons that might have led him to turn his self-hatred into a clenched fist and the terror and tears of woman just 21 years old.

He needs help, and a lot of it.  So does she.

What Rihanna is teaching her lover is that her self-esteem is so low, or her need to fix a man so great, that she is willing to risk everything to be by his side. For a man like him, it unconsciously gives him license to strike out at her again.  And it actually deprives him of learning that his disorder can cost him things he cares about (if he actually does care about Rihanna at all).  

Rihanna’s decision is a terrible example for young women in America and around the world—as bad as anything we ever saw from Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.

As a forensic psychiatrist, I’ve testified in murder cases that started out just like this one.  Let’s hope it doesn’t end as badly.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com or e-mail him at info@keithablow.com.