Four times a year, parents across America get feedback on their child’s academic performance and it’s not always good news. Report cards can produce anxiety and stress for parents who want to help their children but aren’t sure how to do so. Keep in mind that a poor report card also produces anxiety and stress in your child, although these emotions may manifest differently in your child. A child who says he doesn’t care about his grades could be upset about doing poorly or lacking in self confidence. The same goes for children who act out when confronted about poor grades. No one wants to do poorly in school, but many are unsure of how to do well.

It is important to note that a bad report card can mean different things for different children. One child may maintain a certain average, then suddenly dip below that mark. Another child may earn grades that are low across the board. Whether this is your child’s first poor report card or fifth, you can do something about it and help your child take steps toward success.

If your child comes home with a poor report card, follow these three steps to getting him back on track and on his way to a more positive learning experience.

Stay calm
You’re obviously upset but bringing those feelings to the table will undoubtedly produce anxiety in your child. Your child knows his grades are poor so you don’t need to state the obvious. Taking the emotion out of your interaction provides a neutral platform for you and your child to discuss the changes that need to be made in order to improve her grades. Avoid phrases like “I’m disappointed in you,” “You need to try harder,” or accusatory statements like “How many tests did you fail?” These statements are sure to produce anxiety or anger in your child and will inhibit her ability to communicate with you. Say “Tell me about Math class” instead. Approach your child when you have time to sit down and talk. We are all cranky when we are hungry, thirsty, or tired so keep that in mind when choosing a time to talk. Inviting your child to share a cup of tea or a snack is a comfortable arena in which to address the report card. Maintain your cool throughout the conversation, even if your child raises her voice.

Speak to the teacher
Parent-teacher conferences are typically scheduled around the time report cards are handed out. If your child’s school isn’t offering one, ask for one. Send the teacher a list of questions before the meeting so she can have answers for you at the meeting and possibly show you work samples. Approach the teacher calmly and ask for specifics about work your child may be missing, poor test scores, or areas of concern. Look at the breakdown of grades and the percentages your child earned for homework, classwork, participation, and tests. Ask for strategies that are being used in the classroom to support your child as well as strategies you can use at home. Neither the school nor the family can turn around a poor report card alone- it is a team effort. Ask to follow up with the teacher about two weeks after the initial conference to see if your child is showing improvement.

Establish your next step
Parents sometimes take the “wait and see” approach, especially since this is the first report card of the year. This approach never works, since we know that once a habit is established it is hard to break. Your next step may be following through with the teacher’s suggestions. You may also consider hiring a tutor or going to a learning center to seek extra support or new strategies for your child. Another option is to ask a neighbor, friend, or older family member to help with homework. Finding someone to tutor who has a strength where your child experiences a challenge could be a good match. Consider asking a teenage cousin or neighbor to help younger children a few days a week. Younger children often look up to older children so having a positive influence while doing homework may help motivate your child. If you do choose to have someone else work with your child, make sure you communicate specifics about your child’s strengths and challenges and strategies the teacher has already used or suggested.

It is important to remind your child that she is in control of her grades. She was not given poor grades; she earned them. Fortunately, this means she is in control of bringing her grades up again. Most teachers are clear as to what they are looking for in an essay, project, or test. Help your child outline the goals of an assignment when it is first assigned and check in with her frequently to see that she is staying on target. If extra credit is offered, sit down together to tackle the assignment.

Remember to praise your child for following through on school work, not just for earning good grades. Some children put forth good effort and still do not earn A’s. It is important to praise your child’s work ethic since this is truly a skill that will get her through life. Continued praise and positive support will help your child do her best.

Jennifer Cerbasi teaches at a public school for children on the autism spectrum in New Jersey. As a coordinator of Applied Behavioral Analysis programs in the home, she works with parents to create and implement behavioral plans for their children in an environment that fosters both academic and social growth. In addition to her work both in the classroom and at home, she is also a member of the National Association of Special Education Teachers and the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

The recent murder cases of Annie Le at Yale, possibly by 24-year-old Yale lab technician Raymond Clark, and of Trisha Leffler by accused Craigslist killer Philip Markoff obviously took the lives of two young women and shattered the lives of their families.  I have treated parents of murdered children, as well as their siblings, and know that the surface scars may fade over time, but that the internal emotional bleeding—the complicated grief—never seems to end. 
 
Less attention is paid to the other victims of such horrific crimes—the families, girlfriends and friends of the killers.  Both Raymond Clark and Philip Markoff were not only the sons of mothers and fathers, but both men were engaged to be married.  In both cases, if convictions are obtained, their fiancés are left to pick up the pieces of their psyches, battered by the knowledge that they had loved and committed themselves to men who were pathologically violent.
 
When one’s son or daughter, husband or wife, or fiancé turns out to be a stranger full of darkness, it is a reckoning with reality like few others.  I have counseled such individuals and seen the tears in their eyes and the stress in their faces as they tried to make sense of how someone seemingly so close to them could have been, in fact, infinitely far removed. If people who profess their love can keep their darkest truths under wraps, who and what can be trusted in the world?
 
Many, many people know something about the challenges that face the “survivors” of intimate connections with murderers.  After all, my practice has long been populated by those who were injured by assailants who played the role of parents, teachers and mentors. Their ability to trust is often long in being reborn, relying not a little bit on how trustworthy and reliable I can be as a clinician.  Such is the miracle of human empathy:  the example of a decent, caring relationship can mend some of the damage done by a harmful one, even a predatory one.
 
Yet to have lived with or loved a killer is a special case.  The journey back from that kind of terror and self-doubt has several ingredients.  First, it has to be said that there are among us men (and women) who can indeed wear what the great psychiatrist Hervey Cleckley called a mask of sanity.  Having buried their destructiveness and rage deep inside them (until it explodes) they become people imitating people, doing those things that seem kind and respectful, without feeling kind or respectful.  They are playacting, and they can be better at it than the best actor in any movie.  Scott Peterson, who killed his wife Laci and their unborn son Conner, was such a man—likeable, with good manners, able to win women over with one-liners harvested from movies and chilled champagne tucked in a backpack for a romantic hike.
 
So those who share their lives with killers can take some solace in the fact that many pass themselves off as normal, even to law enforcement officials and psychiatrists. That’s the easy part.
 
The harder part is understanding that there can be a reason why those who turn out to have loved killers find themselves in that rare psychological territory.  And often that relates to their own willingness to distance themselves from core feelings of anger and anxiety and accept the surface of things. Very often the lovers and best friends and even parents of killers have had traumatic life experiences that paved the way for them turning a blind eye to their emotions and instincts, making them the ideal partners for predators. 
 
Predators can sense when they are in the presence of others who will take them at their word. 
 
Like most of our emotional challenges in life, the biggest hurdle to healing for those with a killer in the family is looking inside themselves, at the very things they have tried to avoid seeing.
 
Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement including www.livingthetruth.com. Dr. Ablow can be emailed at info@keithablow.com.

With estimates of 30 to 40 million children participating in organized youth sports in the U.S., you will likely be attending your fair share of athletic events this fall. You know you have to drive your child to and from practice and make sure his or her jersey is washed for game day, but your support of your student athlete goes far beyond that. From proper nutrition to early bed times, you are a key factor in your child’s athletic success.

In addition to the physical support you offer your child, your emotional support is important as well. Student athletes are faced with a number of issues such as the question to use performance enhancing drugs, maintaining good grades, and being a productive member of a cohesive team. There are a number of things you can do to guide your child to make sound decisions as a student athlete this year.

Support the Balancing Act
As your child gets older and her sport gets more competitive, the time spent involved in that sport increases. Practices are usually every day after school or in the evening and often on the weekend as well. Some sports, such as hockey, practice in the mornings before school because of limited availability of practice facilities.

In addition to the hours spent on the field, your child needs to maintain the hours spent in the books. Creating a schedule for your child will help her find time for both school and sports. Write all practices and games on a calendar in a common area of the house. Encourage her to map out her week by writing important homework assignments or tests on the calendar so she gives herself enough time to study.

It’s easy for families to procrastinate long-term projects and class assignments after a long day at work, school and practice. Remember that studying a little bit each night, even when she is tired, will benefit your child in the long run. Be wise about how you spend what little down time you have. This may mean saying no to weekend parties or gatherings in order to give your student athlete some rest. School always comes first and many athletic programs have rules regarding minimum grades in order to participate in sports. Discuss the school’s policy with your child and communicate with her teachers to make sure she is maintaining her grades. If her grades drop, you need to re-evaluate her participation on the team.

Be a Good Sport
There has been lots of press on this topic and you may think you already show good sportsmanship while watching your child’s game. Keep in mind that your child hears everything- even things you think you said under your breath. Stay positive- even if your team is losing or another athlete makes an error on the field. Be the first to yell “That’s OK, Johnny. Here we go, bears!” Set the tone for the team and for other parents by helping your athlete shake off a mistake and get back in the game. This also applies to the car ride home after the game. If your child is upset about losing or making a mistake, remind him that any team can win on any day. It’s certainly acceptable for your child to want to better his skills, but focusing completely on the negative or being angry with others is not a productive way to grow as an athlete.

Communicate With the Coach
There may be times when you disagree with the coach’s decision or a play he called. It is not your place to call the coach after every game to recap the play-by-play. If there is a situation that is on-going, such as a teammate targeting your child or your child not getting any playing time, approach the coach in a calm fashion at an appropriate time. Ask to schedule a meeting with the coach and let him know what you want to discuss. Approach the coach in a respectful manner and ask for his opinion. You can certainly ask what you can do to support your athlete at home, particularly if the issue is your child’s skills. Show the coach, and your child, that you want to be part of the team that supports the team! It is also important that your child communicates with the coach. If there is a conflict with the schedule or your child has a question about the team, encourage him to approach the coach himself. This shows his maturity and desire to make the most of his experience on the team.

Encourage Off-Season Workouts
It is important for all children to engage in healthy activities. It is necessary for student athletes to maintain their strength and skills in the off-season to avoid injury when they return to their sport. Make fresh fruits, vegetables, and healthy protein a part of every meal. Most schools have a weight room that your child can take advantage of for free. Private instructors are available for most sports and some offer small group discounts. Check with your child’s friends about taking semi-private lessons to enhance skills in the off-season. Encourage healthy habits by limiting TV time and making family walks or pick-up games routine.

Be a Cheerleader
Be a visible supporter of your student athlete by attending as many games as possible. Seeing your face in the stands and hearing you yell her name will make your athlete feel really good. If work prevents you from being there, try and get a video of the game from the coach or another parent. Watch the game with your child and cheer her on- even if you know the final score. Your support means the world to your child and whether she is the star athlete or warming the bench, she will appreciate you cheering her on. You can also show your support by participating in fundraising events and other team activities. Many sports have a tradition of having a pasta dinner before a big game. Offer to host a dinner or contribute something to the meal.

The most important thing for you and your student athlete to remember is that participating in a sport should be enjoyable. Of course there are times of disappointment or discouragement, but your child’s overall experience should be positive. You are your child’s first and best teacher so supporting him through something he is passionate about will help him in all areas of his life.

Jennifer Cerbasi teaches at a public school for children on the autism spectrum in New Jersey. As a coordinator of Applied Behavioral Analysis programs in the home, she works with parents to create and implement behavioral plans for their children in an environment that fosters both academic and social growth. In addition to her work both in the classroom and at home, she is also a member of the National Association of Special Education Teachers and the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.

Dear Yvonne,
I am a newlywed of four months. My problem: Before my husband and I got married, we had sex all the time! But since we got married, it hasn’t been the same. I still feel sexually attracted to him. We’re both 21, and before we got married, it was hard for us to see each other because our families didn’t approve of the relationship. Has the sex changed because there’s no longer the excitement of getting caught? 
— Alyyah 

Dear Alyyah,
What you are describing is a classic “Romeo & Juliet” syndrome, where half of the excitement of being sexually intimate was the disapproval. Doing the forbidden things made the relationship more passionate since the need to overcome obstacles intensified your feelings. Lovers in these situations often have this mentality: “Don’t they realize that more obstacles make us all the more passionate?” As with any taboo sexual relationship, for example, an affair — the excitement wears off after a while.

Just because this type of passion is waning in your relationship, doesn’t mean the exciting phase of starting your lives together has to be passionless. Seek novel ways to have sex and to be intimate. Changing the focus of sex to one of being an entirely new adventure is sure to keep things heated.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

 Forgive others and yourself.

One of the hurdles of seeking out the pain in your past and turning it into your power is that it can feel as if you are blaming others for your misfortune, including people you love (for example, your parents).

It is common for people to pause at the door of self-discovery and say, I don’t want to make it seem like my parents are responsible for what I am going through. But, that’s  like a cop-out.

 This worry reflects a core misunderstanding of the goal of Living the Truth. 

Living the Truth isn’t only about empowering yourself by refusing to pull away from your own pain.  It is about realizing that your parents (or anyone else) were limited by the same very human, very understandable, yet very toxic dynamics that you were. 

In doing this work, you will finally have learned to embrace your life story, good and bad. You have seen how you buried pain and disappointment behind shields that didn’t reflect your best self or demonstrate to people your true regard or love for them. If you can accept the actions of people who hurt you, you might be able to acknowledge that they, like you – like most people – were doing the best they could. You might be able to look at your father’s anger and see the tragic influence of his own father’s alcoholism. You might be able to recognize in your competitive sister the inevitable result of the extreme pressure your parents put on her to succeed.

 When we allow ourselves to see beyond people’s actions to their pasts, we take ourselves from anger to empathy.  This is the path to forgiveness.

 Of course, the most important person to forgive is yourself.  It is very difficult to forgive ourselves, because we know both our weaknesses and capabilities so intimately. We can always envision a million and one ways we could have been better, or have avoided a failure or loss. It helps sometimes to imagine someone we love who has struggled with her own demons. Would you give her permission to forgive herself for everything she has done that is not perfect, every misstep she has made in his own attempt to avoid pain and outrun the truth?  If so, can you imagine extending a similar kindness to yourself?

 You might find it useful to mark your decision to live a life in forgiveness.   We celebrate things like graduations and weddings; why not celebrate the day you decided to stop living in the resentments of the past in favor of living in the hope and promise of the future? There’s no need to be formal or to involve anyone but yourself. Simply writing down the date and a statement about who you have been angry at, and that it is your firmest intention to let that anger go, may be a sufficiently powerful gesture.

 Forgiveness isn’t something we do once and then forget about. It is a daily practice. After we have told people we forgive them, we show them by treating them with respect and kindness, and not letting underhanded remarks or lapsed responsibilities remind them that they somehow still “owe us.” We show forgiveness to our own parents not just by treating them better, but by being better parents to our children. The amazing thing is that by forgiving others, we are forgiving ourselves. We give ourselves the opportunity to live without rage. We resolve that unhealthy dynamics and patterns that have ruled our family for generations are going to stop with us.

 Living the Truth means feeling the pain of the past; forgiving those who blindly inflicted it on us, and resolving to do better for those we love. This is the highest form of human existence.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com.