Postpartum depression is well-known in women who have given birth.  As many as 15 percent of new mothers may experience all the symptoms of major depression in the months following a delivery.  These symptoms can include low mood, low energy, tearfulness, altered sleep patterns, changes in appetite, inability to concentrate, low self-esteem.  They can even include suicidal thinking or bizarre and false beliefs called delusions, which are a form of psychosis. 

Thankfully, awareness of postpartum depression in women has increased dramatically amongst clinicians and the general population. 

What many fewer people realize is that new fathers can fall victim to postpartum depression, too. In my own practice I have seen it happen several times, and research indicates that perhaps 10 percent of men become acutely depressed in the postnatal period.  Their symptoms mimic those of women with the disorder, but they may be even less likely to get help because they believe admitting to their suffering would make them look weak at a time when they want to be seen by others as especially strong.

In the men I have treated, the joys of having a new son or daughter have mingled with complex worries about whether they would be able to support larger families, whether they would lose the affection of their wives and whether they would be equal to the daunting task of being role models for their children.   For some, becoming fathers seemed to bring them uncomfortably in touch with their own mortality, as they contemplated being survived by their offspring.

I have noticed a particular vulnerability to postpartum depression in new fathers who had strained or frankly painful relationships with their own dads.  The recreation of a father-child bond, albeit in a different time and place, with a very new role, can bring a man into unbearably close contact with unresolved conflicts from his own childhood.   “How am I supposed to be a father when I wasn’t fathered at all myself?” one of my patients asked me.

Fortunately, postpartum depression in men responds to the treatments that relieve clinical depression in other settings.  Psychotherapy can be invaluable, as can antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications.  A new technologies, called rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), has also been approved by the FDA. 

Using the tools in our therapeutic armamentarium, psychiatrists can defeat depression in over 90 percent of cases.  That means that recognizing the signs and symptoms of the condition is half the battle. 

So if you know a man struggling with his mood and his energy level weeks or months after his partner gives birth, don’t assume it’s all about staying up with the baby. Share what you now know about postpartum depression:  It doesn’t just affect new mothers.

Dear Yvonne,

I’m conflicted because I agree to have sex with my husband even when I’m not in the mood. Part of me wants to please him by having sex, but the other part of me resents him for the guilt I feel in not staying true to myself. Other girlfriends of mine say they’re the same way. Why are women like that?

-Cora

Dear Cora,

As women, we’re socialized to take care of men and their needs.  It’s only natural, then, that we become intimate, even when we’re not in the mood. For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt. In making sure this doesn’t happen again, a woman needs to figure out why she ultimately put out. Is it that she wanted to please her partner (not a bad thing)? Is it because she felt obligated to – that it was her duty as his partner? Is she afraid he’ll take his interests elsewhere if she’s unwilling to have sex? Does she have trouble saying “no?” Is she fearful of the negative stereotype associated with women who aren’t in the mood for sex?

In identifying what led to her having sex, a woman needs to rehearse how she will handle the situation next time he approaches her. The key is not to make him feel that he is being rejected or that she isn’t attracted to him, rather giving him a reason why, for example, “Honey, you’re looking totally sexy now, but my body is pooped. I really just want to relax.”  Or she can offer an alternative, “I had such a stressful day at work. Would you mind giving me a massage instead?” Regardless of the reason or how she chooses to deal with the situation, a woman should feel empowered knowing that it’s okay not to have sex. It is her choice and it’s actually quite sexy for her to call the shots. It will also make him want it that much more the next time she’s in the mood.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Yvonne,
My husband & I have been married for 29 years and are just now opening up sexually, REALLY opening up. He gets back from Afghanistan in 45 days, and after 6 months gone, I can’t wait. He loves getting oral sex and I love giving it to him, but I wanted to know if there are any foods he can eat that will change the taste of his semen. 
- Noreen

Dear Noreen,
To improve the taste of his semen, eat acidic foods, like fruits, for a sweeter taste. So citrus (especially lemon), cranberry and pineapple, as well as juices made from such, are often recommended. Cardamom, cinnamon, and peppermint are also said to make him tastier. Certain vegetables can work to his benefit in the taste department, for example, celery and parsley, but broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus and beets will NOT work.

Foods that can further affect his taste for the worse are red meat and fish, since these are alkaline-based. Garlic, onion, chemically processed liquor, drugs and nicotine tend to affect his taste for the worse. The high bacterial content of dairy products also has a negative effect on his semen’s taste. Lastly, your husband should be mindful of consuming strong tasting foods and spices, which end up getting secreted by his body, changing his flavor and overall odor.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Dr. Yvonne,
I am having an issue – basically a foot fetish – where I have a desire to give a sexy lady a foot rub and suck her toe in a building urge to do oral on her. Unfortunately, my wife’s feet sometimes smell and they’re in rough shape, for example, she has calluses. I love my wife with all my heart and soul and do not want to ruin our marriage – nor do I know how to tell her of both my issues –  and hers.
 - Horace

Dear Horace,
Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy and enjoyable sex life. As such, be it via letter, counselor or face-to-face, it’s time you let your wife in on your secret fetish for feet. Perhaps she is simply unaware that you have an interest, thus she doesn’t dote on her feet as she should. Chances are that if you reveal your secret yearnings as you did in this letter, your wife might treat herself to a pedicure. Better yet, you should treat her to one.

Other ways of taking care of the foot issues… incorporate a footbath as part of foreplay. Take to the shower or bath before you play footsie. Basically, use any mean you can to clean her up before indulging. She’s likely to love this type of worship. Alternatively, you could come clean in telling her she needs to clean up a little bit. It’s hard to deliver this kind of tip without offending, but if you can frame it as better for her ultimate pleasuring and good, she may listen. Let her know that you want her and long to be more intimate with her, but that you’ve noticed this smell. While she may be upset, many people would rather know they have an issue than be in the dark about it.

The fabric of marriage and adult relationships is honesty and exposure. Fear is a natural part of revealing and becoming vulnerable, and a necessary component of intimacy, which we all know enhances sexual and sensual enjoyment for both sexes. Give your wife a chance, and set your foot fetish free!

Dr. Yvonne Kristin Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”