Dear Yvonne,
I’m a 33-year-old male who just can’t seem to land a relationship. I think I suffer from “nice guy syndrome.” I consider myself a pretty decent-looking guy. But every time I meet someone, it always starts out great and in a matter of weeks, I find that I must’ve done something to ruin things. I don’t understand what I do wrong, and I get myself down thinking I must be some kind of loser or something. Can you help?
Thank you in advance,
—Derek
Dear Derek,
What you need to do first and foremost is work on your self-esteem. I’m concerned that you are automatically blaming yourself for a relationship gone sour. What makes you think that you’ve necessarily done something wrong? Two people don’t stay together for a number of reasons that aren’t personal, and parting ways doesn’t always come down to one person doing something undesirable. What is unattractive, however, is having a “loser” attitude. If you feel like a loser, then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you think something about yourself long enough, then that can become engrained in your self-perception. It becomes part of your identity and part of what you project to others. So the best thing you can do for yourself in losing your loser attitude is to: (A) quit being so hard on yourself; (B) quit feeling sorry for yourself; and (C) work on your self-esteem.
You need to bolster the energy you’re giving off by focusing on your best qualities; activities that you enjoy, and areas where you feel the best about yourself. Do what you need to do to get to a better place, for example, exercise or work with a coach to counter self-defeating thoughts. Remember, people are attracted to nice guys — in many cases; they are the men who win when it comes to love in the end.
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”
