Dear Yvonne,
Given popular press depictions of sex — namely that we’re always supposed to be in the mood — how do I know if I’m “normal” when it comes to sexual desire?
—Bailey

Dear Bailey,
When it comes to sexual desire, there is no “optimal” level or universal “norm,” despite what the media or anyone else says. Sexual desire differs from person to person, and relationship to relationship. Depending on what’s going on in your life, your desire may increase or decrease at different times. Rather than measure yourself against what are often unrealistic societal standards when it comes to sex, consider what’s right for you.

When it comes to you and your relationship(s), you are the expert. Listen to yourself and consider if you feel good about the role sexual desire is playing in your sex life and life overall. If you find it needs a boost, make sure to concentrate on you and your relationship, rather than attaining some elusive level of “optimum” sexual desire.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

There are some great foods that you can incorporate into your diet that are heart-healthy and will do wonders for your sex life! Cooking together with a romantic partner encourages intimacy and connection — so prepare meals together.

Stay away from foods that contain excess amounts of caffeine — they reduce libido.  And stay away from foods that may make you feel bloated and gassy (cabbage, broccoli, onions). Selenium, manganese and of course, zinc, are also vital in regulating hormones and revving up sex drive and are found in various fruits and vegetables, so include a salad with meals if you want some action later. This is very exciting news, so start preparing.

Foods for a better sex life:

Bananas, carrots, asparagus. 
Bananas, carrots and asparagus are all erotic stimulants because of their phallic resemblance.  Asparagus contain folate, which boosts histamine production necessary for the ability to reach orgasm in both sexes.  Plus, watching you eat asparagus, a phallic food, is sure to get him in the mood.

Red wine.
Red wine is healthy for your heart and your romantic moods!  It may help prevent blood clots and reduce the blood vessel damage caused by fat deposits. It is also a particularly rich source of antioxidants which raise HDL (good) cholesterol.  It lowers inhibitions and stimulates appetite so add a glass of wine to a romantic dinner!

Oysters.
Oysters have long been considered the food of love, and legend has it that Casanova ate dozens of oysters a day — once even seducing a vestal virgin by sliding an oyster from his lips.  Oysters carry a hefty dose of zinc. Zinc has been linked to male fertility, potency, sex drive, and is essential for sperm production. The daily requirement for zinc can be gained by eating just one oyster, so imagine what serving your boyfriend/husband an appetizer of a few oysters can do …  schwing!  If oysters aren’t his thing, turkey, lean beef, and beans are other good sources of zinc.

Champagne.
 So you’ve already heard the buzz that a daily glass of wine raises good cholesterol and helps prevent arteries from clogging. But alcohol, especially champagne, can also improve your health and your sex life. Like many mind-altering substances, a glass or two of champagne will lower inhibitions and help ease any couple into an amorous mood. 
 
Pistachios.
Besides providing protein to help increase stamina, pistachios are heavy in healthful mono-saturated fats, zinc and other nutrients that are linked with increased sexual desire. Pistachios also have a greater portion size than any other nut, so you can eat 49 kernels (1 serving) and still feel thin and sexy.
 
Artichokes.
This nutrient-dense, peculiar plant was once considered such a powerful aphrodisiac that women were banned from eating it. According to Martha Hopkins, co-author of “Inter-Courses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook,” part of the appeal of the artichoke may be that you have to work hard to “get past the spiked leaves to get to the velvety-smooth heart.” 
 
Spices.
The right spices not only heat things up on the tongue, but also in the bedroom.  Capsaicin, the substance that gives kick to peppers, stimulates nerve endings to release chemicals, raising the heart rate and possibly triggering the release of endorphins, giving you the pleasurable feeling of a natural high.  “Chili pepper and ginger help improve circulation,” says Dix. “And hot spices like cayenne, curry and cumin help warm the body.”  The intoxicating aromas of exotic spices help infuse romance into the atmosphere.
 
Avocado.
According to the Doctrine of Signatures, food aids the part of the body it resembles. In fact, the Aztecs valued the avocado as an aphrodisiac and named it “ahuacale” or testicle because they grow in pairs. Though science can neither confirm nor deny that this fruit will get your fire going, it will give you fuel in the form of healthy fats, protein and potassium.
 
Chocolate.
Don’t skip dessert!  Eating chocolate causes the release of mood-boosting, stress-reducing serotonin. The sweet stuff also causes a release of phenylethylamine, which causes changes in blood pressure and blood-sugar levels, leading to feelings of excitement conducive to lovemaking. Just make sure to choose antioxidant-rich dark chocolate.

Even smells of certain foods have been found to be sexually arousing, according to studies at the Smell and Taste Foundation in Chicago, notably:

For men: Pumpkin pie and buttered popcorn
For women: Licorice candy

Tanya Zuckerbrot, MS, RD is a nutritionist and founder of Skinnyandthecity.com.    She is also the creator of The F-Factor Diet™, an innovative nutritional program she has used for more than ten years to provide hundreds of her clients with all the tools they need to achieve easy weight loss and maintenance, improved health and well-being.  For more information log onto www.FFactorDiet.com.

Dear Yvonne,

I’m conflicted because I agree to have sex with my husband even when I’m not in the mood. Part of me wants to please him by having sex, but the other part of me resents him for the guilt I feel in not staying true to myself. Other girlfriends of mine say they’re the same way. Why are women like that?

-Cora

Dear Cora,

As women, we’re socialized to take care of men and their needs.  It’s only natural, then, that we become intimate, even when we’re not in the mood. For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt. In making sure this doesn’t happen again, a woman needs to figure out why she ultimately put out. Is it that she wanted to please her partner (not a bad thing)? Is it because she felt obligated to – that it was her duty as his partner? Is she afraid he’ll take his interests elsewhere if she’s unwilling to have sex? Does she have trouble saying “no?” Is she fearful of the negative stereotype associated with women who aren’t in the mood for sex?

In identifying what led to her having sex, a woman needs to rehearse how she will handle the situation next time he approaches her. The key is not to make him feel that he is being rejected or that she isn’t attracted to him, rather giving him a reason why, for example, “Honey, you’re looking totally sexy now, but my body is pooped. I really just want to relax.”  Or she can offer an alternative, “I had such a stressful day at work. Would you mind giving me a massage instead?” Regardless of the reason or how she chooses to deal with the situation, a woman should feel empowered knowing that it’s okay not to have sex. It is her choice and it’s actually quite sexy for her to call the shots. It will also make him want it that much more the next time she’s in the mood.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

No matter how many studies suggest that testosterone, the hormone of sexual desire for both men and women, can help overcome a decreased libido, I will still be a fan of romantic dinners.  

Recent studies revealed that 25-50 percent of women have a low sex drive. I suspect that stress, dealing with diapers, lack of sleep and selfish mates have as much to do with this as an ebb in hormones. Nevertheless, in the wake of these findings, a new study, just published in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine, has found an increased rate of “satisfying sexual episodes” in postmenopausal women who used a 300 mcg testosterone patch.

At a time when reproductive hormones are falling (post menopause), it is not surprising that a little testosterone goes a long way to rekindle the flame. But there is a clear cost. Testosterone can increase facial hair, muscular development, and even give you a lower voice. So, you may feel like having more sex, but you may look more like a man which could turn your partner off. Plus, there are the longer term risks to consider including potentially breast cancer, heart attack, or stroke.    

Testosterone patches are not approved for this use by the FDA, though they have been prescribed as sexual enhancers for women “off-label” for many years. An FDA advisory panel has considered them as recently as 2004, but rejected  them on the basis of safety issues. I’m sure that Proctor and Gamble, which manufactures the Intrinsa testosterone patch, and provided research grants for the current study, aptly named APHRODITE, will now expect the FDA to reconsider the issue, based on the study’s positive results. But safety is still an important issue. 4 of the study participants who received the patch as opposed to the placebo – were diagnosed with breast cancer. The long term risk of heart attack and stroke has still not been sufficiently studied, and remains a major concern.

I am not yet an advocate of these patches, though I know many other knowledgeable doctors who are, and have found them to be quite effective. For these doctors I would say that if romance isn’t the answer, that perhaps they are being reasonable to consider prescribing the patches on a case by case basis, even while I have my eye on the need for further research.

Dr. Marc Siegel is an internist and associate professor of medicine at the NYU School of Medicine. He is a FOX News Medical Contributor and writes a health column for LA Times, where he examines TV and movies for medical accuracy. Dr. Siegel is the author of “False Alarm: the Truth About the Epidemic of Fear” and “Bird Flu: Everything You Need to Know About the Next Pandemic”. Read more at www.doctorsiegel.com

Dear Dr. Yvonne,
After a weekend of pre-marriage counseling, my fiancé and I have been challenged by our church to practice abstinence until our wedding night. My fiancé is super sexy and we’ve had such an active sex life that I think the next two months are going to kill me. Any suggestions on how I can reduce my sex drive??
Neil

Dear Neil,
What you’re referring to are anaphrodiaics – substances that decrease sexual urges. To reduce your libido, people have been known to:

1. Read something really boring.
2. Excessively use coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, lime juice, vinegar or lemons, as all are known to lessen desire. (Note: I’m not recommending them and it wouldn’t be wise to use these in great quantities).

My recommendation: Don’t worry about decreasing your libido, but allow yourself to embrace this time of being super-charged for your wedding night. In dealing with your sexual craving, simply find more time for self-pleasuring.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Use garlic as often as you can in your cooking. Garlic is well known for its immune-boosting and antimicrobial properties. It also helps lower bad cholesterol. A clove of garlic a day can keep the doctor away! You will benefit from improved blood circulation as well as a stronger libido. The Spanish, Portuguese, and French are credited with introducing this powerfood to the New World, where it is now a ubiquitous ingredient.

And the best part is, you can add it to almost anything to punch up the flavor!

I’m a 50 year old woman whose libido has fizzled out. I’m still very interested in sex, but seem to be stuck in neutral. I don’t think it’s anything other than time passing with too much to do and just taking a second to have sex. Should I start with your book or a video?  -Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Nearly every woman, at some time in her life, experiences low libido, especially as she ages and experiences menopause. There are a number of reasons that can contribute to low sexual desire, which is when a person has very little interest in and a desire for sex.  The leading cause of lost sexual desire is the combination of stress and fatigue, which you’re likely experiencing in having a busy schedule. The beauty in that, however, is that this condition is typically temporary, with a person’s libido bouncing back after much needed rest or a stressful time period ends.

Other reasons for low libido include:

-  Medications, including some oral contraceptives and antidepressants
-  Fluctuating hormone levels 
-  Relationship issues, e.g., boredom or conflicts
-  Psychological problems, e.g., fear of intimacy or depression
-  Sexual abuse

In getting to the root of your problem, it would be best to work with your physician and a sex therapist or counselor. Know that treatment is dependent upon what’s at the heart of this issue. While a sex book or video may not do the trick in helping you to bounce back, many are chalk-full of erotic ideas for spicing up your love life, keeping things new and hot, and encouraging a lover to make the time to get busy in the bedroom. Whether the reasons for your low libido are physiological or psychological in nature, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to check out a good read or flick.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”