One of the fortunate—and sometimes unfortunate—aspects of human biology is that we contain within us the physiology for extraordinary pleasures.  When we are psychologically in balance, our capacity to derive enjoyment from our senses and our bodies, whether through eating or exercise or sex, enriches our lives immeasurably.  But when we face underlying turmoil or pain or unhappiness, we can use our inborn capacities for pleasure as shields against thinking and feeling our emotions—literally harnessing our brain chemical messengers and neurotransmitters like infusions of drugs.
 
Sexual addiction is one of the dark roads men and women travel in order to avoid their feelings and the complexities of their life stories.  They turn to sex to “drug” themselves and relieve deeper feelings of anxiety or depression or boredom or loneliness.  In doing so they not only deprive themselves of journeying toward a true understanding of the roots of their negative feelings, they cause a lot of collateral damage.  That damage can include shattered families, a loss of respect in the community, legal problems, financial problems and health problems.
 
Sexual addiction is also unique in that it can now be “fed” 24/7 through the Internet, which provides countless graphic images and videos that are the equivalent of a constant infusion of alcohol or heroin.  Gambling addicts at least have the rate-limiting step of their own finances as a potential brake on their dependency.  Drug addicts have to procure their substances.  But sex addicts can mainline their drug through magazines, the Web, escort services and relationships built only around physical satisfaction.
 
For these reasons, it can take a long time for sex addicts to come to terms with the fact that their addiction is harming them or others.  Most sex addicts aren’t arrested with prostitutes in hotel rooms; they’re wasting good years in one emotionally anonymous relationship after another, or wasting hours and hours on the Internet, or wasting the potential for true closeness with their children because they are driven to divorce by their needs or distracted by recruiting their next lover.  What are the signs and symptoms of sexual addiction?  Here are some to consider:

– Underlying anxiety or depression when the activity related to sex is resisted.

– A need for exposure to sexually stimulating material or relationships that overshadows the need for real emotional, interpersonal connections. A need for exposure to sexually stimulating material or relationships that overshadows the need for real emotional, interpersonal connections.

– A preoccupation with sexual fulfillment or fantasies that interferes with daily life, one’s employment or one’s marriage.

If you or someone you love has any of these symptoms, a psychiatrist or psychologist is a good place to turn for help. Remember, the fact that we have the anatomy and physiology for pleasure of many kinds means that we are, as human beings, also at risk for redirecting those healthy pleasures into pathology.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement including www.livingthetruth.com. Dr. Ablow can be emailed at info@keithablow.com.

Millions of Americans watch the hit reality TV series “Jon & Kate Plus 8” on TLC. 

They are now following Katie Irene Gosselin and Jonathan Keith Gosselin into a fifth season of parenting their eight children — fraternal twin girls and a set of fraternal sextuplets.

The show is taped in the Gosselin home — the “set” includes permanent light fixtures.

Lately, the drama has focused on whether Jon did or did not cheat on Kate with either of two women spotted with him over Memorial Day weekend and, more recently, at a mall.  He insists the women are the wife and daughter of plastic surgeon Dr. Larry Glassman who performed Kate’s tummy tuck surgery.

I don’t really care whether Jon has been faithful to Kate or not.  My question about him and his wife is about how they can justify turning  their kids’ lives into entertainment, with unknown, possibly severe, psychological fallout.

No one knows the precise psychological impact of having parents who are “acting” like parents for the cameras or having producers around who are hoping for high drama, but the impact could be significant and negative.  Life has to stay interesting to keep viewers around, after all. Decisions about how to handle family crises, including the question of whether to stay a couple at all, might well be colored by  worries about how it all will play out on TV.

Kate Gosselin recently went on a vacation with her eight kids to North Carolina. They were accompanied by body guards and camera crews.

This is like having a stage mother (and father) on steroids.  Because in this case, she’s on stage, too.  How does one of the children decide to drop out of the series?  If he or she did, would that child risk losing parental attention and love?  Who has the moral right to decide that another human being’s life story will be played for television audiences?

Movie stars and politicians often have enough good sense to understand — as good parents — that they need to protect their children from the glare of bright lights and media exposure.  They understand that their own notoriety shouldn’t be a ball-and-chain for their kids.  They don’t want their sons and daughters defined by them.  They want them to have their own lives — for real.

I hope that each and every one of the Gosselin children grows up to be happy and healthy. But if they should end up depressed or on drugs, I hope they find therapists who will explore whether part of their pain is a feeling that their lives were stolen from them, whether they were put on display like zoo animals under glass, all for fame and profit.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s Web site at livingthetruth.com.

Dear Yvonne,
I am a newlywed of four months. My problem: Before my husband and I got married, we had sex all the time! But since we got married, it hasn’t been the same. I still feel sexually attracted to him. We’re both 21, and before we got married, it was hard for us to see each other because our families didn’t approve of the relationship. Has the sex changed because there’s no longer the excitement of getting caught? 
— Alyyah 

Dear Alyyah,
What you are describing is a classic “Romeo & Juliet” syndrome, where half of the excitement of being sexually intimate was the disapproval. Doing the forbidden things made the relationship more passionate since the need to overcome obstacles intensified your feelings. Lovers in these situations often have this mentality: “Don’t they realize that more obstacles make us all the more passionate?” As with any taboo sexual relationship, for example, an affair — the excitement wears off after a while.

Just because this type of passion is waning in your relationship, doesn’t mean the exciting phase of starting your lives together has to be passionless. Seek novel ways to have sex and to be intimate. Changing the focus of sex to one of being an entirely new adventure is sure to keep things heated.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Dr. Yvonne,
I am having an issue – basically a foot fetish – where I have a desire to give a sexy lady a foot rub and suck her toe in a building urge to do oral on her. Unfortunately, my wife’s feet sometimes smell and they’re in rough shape, for example, she has calluses. I love my wife with all my heart and soul and do not want to ruin our marriage – nor do I know how to tell her of both my issues –  and hers.
 - Horace

Dear Horace,
Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy and enjoyable sex life. As such, be it via letter, counselor or face-to-face, it’s time you let your wife in on your secret fetish for feet. Perhaps she is simply unaware that you have an interest, thus she doesn’t dote on her feet as she should. Chances are that if you reveal your secret yearnings as you did in this letter, your wife might treat herself to a pedicure. Better yet, you should treat her to one.

Other ways of taking care of the foot issues… incorporate a footbath as part of foreplay. Take to the shower or bath before you play footsie. Basically, use any mean you can to clean her up before indulging. She’s likely to love this type of worship. Alternatively, you could come clean in telling her she needs to clean up a little bit. It’s hard to deliver this kind of tip without offending, but if you can frame it as better for her ultimate pleasuring and good, she may listen. Let her know that you want her and long to be more intimate with her, but that you’ve noticed this smell. While she may be upset, many people would rather know they have an issue than be in the dark about it.

The fabric of marriage and adult relationships is honesty and exposure. Fear is a natural part of revealing and becoming vulnerable, and a necessary component of intimacy, which we all know enhances sexual and sensual enjoyment for both sexes. Give your wife a chance, and set your foot fetish free!

Dr. Yvonne Kristin Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

This step is about clarity.  You take this step because you want to be sure that you’re moving forward with a real, actionable goal. Maybe it’s to revitalize your marriage.  Maybe it’s to find work you really love.  Or, it could be to stop using food as a crutch.

 Many of us have multiple areas in our lives that could use some improvement.  But Living the Truth techniques work in part by acknowledging that problems in life are linked.  Often, they share root causes.  Identifying any area of your life that needs immediate attention and beginning to work on it will lead you naturally to related life issues that can also benefit from the insights you are achieving.

Having an initial goal starts the LTT process in earnest.  When we are dissatisfied, we can feel overwhelmed. There’s often a contagious nature to emotional distress from one problem that can color everything we see and feel.  And that can stop specific, liberating changes before they begin.  

 In what area of your life do you want to achieve positive change first?

If the answer doesn’t come to you immediately, that’s OK.  Find a quiet place to think for a little while.  Let your mind and heart focus.

 You might want to begin with a general statement like, “I don’t like my job. Half the time I don’t even feel like getting out of bed to go to work.”  Write down your statement, so you have a record of this very first sentence, the start of your journey toward insight and empowerment.

 Next, examine your statement.  Hone in on the specific aspect of the problem you’ve identified that troubles you most.  Is your boss someone who criticizes you in a way that is painful to you? Does work not leave you enough time for your family or for pursuing a goal you are tremendously passionate about?  Perhaps you feel that you have been assigned an impossible amount of work and can’t seem to set boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

 If you identified your marriage as the part of your life that troubles you, be specific. What is it about your marriage that is disappointing you?  Do you feel emotionally alone because there’s too little communication?  Is sex infrequent?  Is your spouse’s obsession with his or her own career mean you rarely spend time together?

Write down the most specific statement that describes what you’re struggling with.  Remember, writing a problem down makes it easier to focus on and should give you the sense that you are already committed to working to solve it.

  Don’t stop at just one attempt in making your statement specific.  Keep refining what you’ve written.  Add your emotional reactions to your statement.   If your problem is with an employer, you might ultimately write, “I feel as though I am assigned my boss’ work all the time and get no credit for doing it.  I end up being angry at myself for not setting boundaries.”

 As another example, if you identified your sex life with your partner as the issue you are focusing on, you might come up with something like: “Having to ask for sex makes me feel unattractive and unwanted.  So, I’ve stopped initiating romance between us. ” 

 Here are some other examples:

 – I want to end the co-dependent relationship I am in with a drug user, (in which I am valued mostly as a kind of nurse) and make myself available to someone who will nurture me, too. 

– I want to stop letting my mother tell me (and my husband) how to raise my children.  Her intrusiveness makes me feel like a child and disrupts my relationship with my new family.

– I want to quit smoking by understanding the underlying factors that make me feel stressed, so I can address them.

 – I want to create a marriage in which I feel understood and valued, and where my career goals are considered as important as my spouse’s. 

  It is important that you not rush this step.  Allow yourself the time and space to sit alone with your thoughts and hone in on the specific kind of growth you hope to achieve.  If you feel a little uncomfortable, that’s good.  As we peel away the layers of denial we have accumulated over the years and move toward the truth, we will inevitably experience some amount of discomfort. It’s like working out muscles that you haven’t used for a long time.  Your heart and soul feel you calling on them to do more.  But asking more of yourself is the way to become what you need to be.  

And you’re already on your way.

 Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatry correspondent for FOX News Channel and a New York Times bestselling author. His newest book, “Living the Truth: Transform Your Life through the Power of Insight and Honesty” has launched a new self-help movement. Check out Dr. Ablow’s website at livingthetruth.com.

Dear Dr. Yvonne,
My mother-in-law-to-be keeps putting pressure on my partner and I to get married. We’ve been together 3 years, living together for 18 months and we are in no rush to get hitched (though we plan to someday).
How do we handle this without being rude?
She has gotten really annoying.
Chris

Dear Chris,
Many couples, especially those who choose to cohabitate before marriage, often find themselves dealing with pressure from family members, friends, and even random strangers when it comes to tying the knot. Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can deal with your to-be-mother-in-law:

1. Explain that couples today are dating longer and getting married later. You’re part of a sociological trend that is becoming the norm. Stress the fact that there are generational differences when it comes to getting married and that many are waiting to get to know each other well – and not giving into pressure from others – when it comes to taking this most important step.

2.  Be honest and straight-forward. Let her know how you feel and that you don’t think your wedding date should be any of her business. You can say this delicately while being firm. Better yet, your partner should be the one having this heart-to-heart with this mother. One or both of you need to ask her to stop putting pressure on you. You need to make it clear that she needs to respect that and that you’re feeling disrespected that she’s made your union about her needs and not your own.

3. Change the subject. After a while, people will get a hint.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Cynthia Rodriguez has had enough, she says, of her famous husband’s affairs.  She alleges A-Rod had a string of sexual relationships during their five-and-a-half years of marriage.  But the last straw for Cynthia was Alex’s relationship with Madonna, one that his lawyer defines as an affair of the heart—an emotional affair.  Cynthia’s own lawyer has never alleged the connection was sexual.

We know plenty about the sexual monotony that can set in a marriage as years go by.  Husbands and wives become so familiar with one another, so present in one another’s day-to-day lives, that it frequently becomes difficult to feel romantic with one another.  I’ve joked before (really only half-joked) that couples should avoid flossing their teeth together if they want to feel passionate in bed together. 

Dear Yvonne:
I am 67 and my wife is 69 years old. We are having the time of our lives with a
little help from Levitra. We are both very healthy and enjoying retirement with
golf, tennis, etc. Sure would like to see a study on sex after 65. Are we normal? 
Jim

Dear Jim,
I’m glad to hear that you have an active, fulfilling sex life since sexual intimacy in the later years is a huge quality of life component that a lot of people either ignore or don’t want to hear about. But in 2004, AARP decided to look at elderly sex in a repeat study focusing on those 45 and older in the United States. It found that 49 percent of those who had regular sexual partners were having sexual intercourse at least one time per week. It also found that about two-thirds of them reported hugging or kissing their partners on a regular basis. Finally, the study found that slightly more than half of baby boomers and seniors are engaging in sexual touch or caressing on a regular basis. So if any of that sounds like you and your wife, then you fit right in with the “norm.” If you’re a little friskier than that, then I say enjoy your norm!

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Marriage has been shown, through research, to be an unending source of joy, a Harvard professor said at an Australian conference this week.

But introduce children into the relationship and that joy may plummet, according to a report from the Australian Associated Press.

Despite the belief that children are the apples of our eyes, they actually can have a negative influence on marriages, according to the report. And more kids equals more sadness.

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