Dear Yvonne,
Do you have any recommendations for people who want to wait a while before having sex or who, for moral/religious reasons, want to wait until they are married? Does this limit intimacy? Does this mean you have to date only other people who abstain?
—Heather

Dear Heather,
Outercourse is a term used for pleasuring possibilities that don’t involve vaginal-penile or anal intercourse. Depending on a couple’s definition of abstinence, these behaviors may include:

• Sensual massage
• Mutual masturbation
• Erotic talk, for example, via phone or e-mail
• Strip-teases
• Kissing
• Showering or bathing together
• Sharing sexy fantasies
• Engaging in role plays that don’t involve intercourse
• Dry sex (also known as “dry humping”) 

As far as if these options limit intimacy, it can be argued that in some ways, in a physical sense, yes, they do. But these experiences can be intense, if not orgasmic. As far as true intimacy goes, abstaining does not limit intimacy.  Being intimate with another goes far beyond being physically intertwined. True intimacy is about feeling a deep connection with someone’s heart and soul, and that energy coming back at you. Physical interactions only enhance the feelings of closeness that comes with knowing someone’s private nature. Sex, when it happens, only gets more amazing with it.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Yvonne,

I’m conflicted because I agree to have sex with my husband even when I’m not in the mood. Part of me wants to please him by having sex, but the other part of me resents him for the guilt I feel in not staying true to myself. Other girlfriends of mine say they’re the same way. Why are women like that?

-Cora

Dear Cora,

As women, we’re socialized to take care of men and their needs.  It’s only natural, then, that we become intimate, even when we’re not in the mood. For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt. In making sure this doesn’t happen again, a woman needs to figure out why she ultimately put out. Is it that she wanted to please her partner (not a bad thing)? Is it because she felt obligated to – that it was her duty as his partner? Is she afraid he’ll take his interests elsewhere if she’s unwilling to have sex? Does she have trouble saying “no?” Is she fearful of the negative stereotype associated with women who aren’t in the mood for sex?

In identifying what led to her having sex, a woman needs to rehearse how she will handle the situation next time he approaches her. The key is not to make him feel that he is being rejected or that she isn’t attracted to him, rather giving him a reason why, for example, “Honey, you’re looking totally sexy now, but my body is pooped. I really just want to relax.”  Or she can offer an alternative, “I had such a stressful day at work. Would you mind giving me a massage instead?” Regardless of the reason or how she chooses to deal with the situation, a woman should feel empowered knowing that it’s okay not to have sex. It is her choice and it’s actually quite sexy for her to call the shots. It will also make him want it that much more the next time she’s in the mood.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Dr. Y,
I am so self-conscious about my body that I can’t get out of my head enough during sex to orgasm.  I worry about what my partner might be thinking about – all of the imperfections and squishy parts – instead of about my pleasure. What do I do about this head game?
Leslie

Dear Leslie,
Socialization and habit dictate the positive and negative response you’re having to your own body. Undoing these notions can be a challenge, but yoga, therapy, massage and other naturopathic/holistic exercises and treatments can be excellent tools for getting comfortable in your skin and accepting yourself as a beautiful living specimen.

 You can also take on this head game by standing in front of the mirror after your next shower. Take a deep breath as you look at each body part as objectively as possible. Watch for programmed responses and move past them by letting go of them. Acknowledge and accept each part of your whole without judging. Labels are so harsh, and can impede your ability to realize that, for example, a potbelly is just a belly – not good or bad, merely a belly. 

 If you still feel terribly self-conscious post-body and soul work, a trainer might be able to help you design an exercise program to trim down, bulk up or change your overall appearance. But make sure you do it for you – to feel better about your figure. Learning to love your self in is a vital part of a fulfilled life, not limited to the realm of sexual satisfaction. Self-love is the cornerstone to being fully capable of loving anyone else.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”