Dear Yvonne,
Economic studies show that since 1965, Americans have gained, not lost, leisure time—anywhere from 5 to 10 hours per week. So the excuse of not having enough time for sex isn’t really valid. Is there a way any of us can get in the mood, even when you have no motivation?
—No Name

Dear No Name,
One of the best ways to have more sex is to actually have sex. This is because sex boosts testosterone in the body, which revs up our sex drive. People have lots of excuses, many which are quite valid, for not having sex, among them: Childrearing obligations, stress, time, fatigue, etc … But at the end of the day, these excuses get abused.

People need to make lovemaking as much of a priority as anything else in their lives. They also have to be mindful of not taking their lover for granted. We need to continually woo and entice our lovers, especially in keeping things hot, desirable, and fueled. Passion can be maintained throughout a romance, no matter how little time you have. But people need to understand that this takes work.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Yvonne,
Can being selfish with your time improve your sex life?
—Kip

Dear Kip,
It’s healthy for lovers not to be codependent upon one another, especially when it comes to capitalizing eachother’s time. They’re stronger together when they’re still individuals vs. morphed into at 24/7 situation that causes both of them to be stagnate. When lovers can pursue their own interests and have their own downtime, that shows a comfort and security with the relationship that is attractive. Time spent on their own interests allows them to grow, inviting newness into the relationship.

Second, being too available is a turn off. If lovers spend even a day, for example, she’s having cocktails with girlfriends at a sex toy party while he’s at a horse race, apart, this acts like a hurdle, which can be a turn on. It’s far short of Romeo and Juliet, but it has a similar effect.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Dear Yvonne,
I am a 50-year-old-man who has lost all interest in — and avoided — sex with my partner since she has gained weight. Watching her gobble a double pie a la mode for a nighttime snack was like an anti-Viagra for me. When I met her 3 years ago, she was perhaps 30 pounds thinner. I noticed an older photo of her and she appeared to be perhaps 50 pounds heavier. Do women lose weight to meet a man and seek commitment as if crossing a finish line to find the food again?
—JK 

Dear JK,
Both men and women often seek to be physically fit in order to attract a potential partner. Many do “let themselves go” once they have the commitment since they feel that the woo’ing phase of the relationship no longer requires work. However, it’s hard to say, if your partner intentionally lost weight to “nab” you, and then didn’t have a care in the world when she put the weight back on.

The reasons why people put on weight are very complicated and numerous. Factors that lead to weight gain include:

          o Diets high in calories (sodas), saturated fat (fried foods), and/or sugar (candy)
          o A lack of exercise
          o Not getting enough sleep
          o Stress
          o Health problems, for example, hypothyroidism
          o Medications
          o Menopause

In order to reclaim your sex life, try to spend quality time with your lover in ways that keep both of you active and eating healthy meals. Instead of being critical, try to be compassionate by expressing concern for her health, and offer to be of assistance in any way possible. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t do you or her any good.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Well it’s Super Bowl weekend – a great American tradition – and everyone is very excited thinking about where they will be spending their weekend having fun and watching the game.

Typically around this season, I always get asked “Hey Dr. Manny, what are the healthiest snacks for me to serve during my party.” And of course I go through the panoply of things like veggies and other low-fat treats. And of course, I always advise people to drink in moderation.

But I’ve recently started getting a lot of phone calls from my male friends saying, “You know, we just read that a new study out of Australia that’s reporting that alcohol is good for your sex life.”

According to the researchers who interviewed over 1,500 men – those men who regularly consumed alcohol reported less erectile dysfunction. It seems that every time there is a study that comes out linking alcohol to good health, everybody wants to jump on the bandwagon and join the party.

But let’s be careful here. True erectile dysfunction is a vascular problem, and there is no evidence that alcohol improves vascular conditions. If anything, alcohol can worsen vascular conditions, especially when they’re associated with diabetes and obesity.

Looking at studies that survey outcomes can lead to many biases from the subjects involved in the study — and let’s face it, erectile dysfunction is not a topic that most men feel comfortable talking about!

So when I see headlines in newspapers saying that alcohol can be good for your sex life, I wonder what a “good” sex life is? Because last time I checked, it was far more complex than having an extra couple of beers.

Dear Dr. Yvonne,
My wife and I are both healthy, in good shape, and in our mid-40s. We celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary today. For the past three years, we have had sex less than once per week (on average), sometimes less than once per two weeks. How can I get her to just “attack” me sometimes?
Francois

Dear Francois,
Almost every partner in a long-term relationship reaches the quandary of: ‘How do I get the sex I want? How can both my partner and I revive our passion for each other once again?’ First and foremost, know that it requires a lot of work – much more than a blog Q&A response can tackle. There are a plethora of great books packed with advice on this very matter, but among their major tidbits are:

• Communicate. Both of you need to talk about the state of your sex life and how it can be improved. Discuss your needs, wants, and fears. Really listen to each other and be a participant for active change. Get ravenous with your wife on occasion and see how she reacts.
• Add an element of risk to your relationship. Anything that involves “danger” is exciting, and that doesn’t have to mean jump out of an airplane together. Rather push your erotic boundaries. Be spontaneous. Create anticipation with sexy emails and calls. Ask your partner to mirror you in your efforts. Date each other with desire – allow yourself to get into that mindset once again.
• Have sexual empathy for one another. Share your fantasies, including that you want her to “just attack you.” The more you reveal, the sexier you can potentially become.

Remember, you need to give in order to receive.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

Hi Yvonne,
I was just diagnosed with HSV2.  How serious is this?  How do I date with it?  Is my sex life over? I’ve read that it’s actually pretty common, but that a lot of people don’t know they have it. Try convincing a girl to sleep with you when you just told them you have herpes. Any advice would be appreciated.
J

Dear J,
Herpes is a viral infection caused by related strains of the Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV). According to the Centers for Disease Control, one out of every five adolescents and adults has had the genital HSV (HSV2) infection. So if it makes you feel better, you’ve got plenty of company.

Having HSV is no picnic. While most people are unaware of their infections, when an outbreak occurs, the virus lets itself be known. Signs include sores and flu-like symptoms. A person who has an outbreak can expect several (as in 4 or 5) within a year. Yet these recurrences tend to decrease in frequency over time. While there is no treatment, antiviral medications can shorten and prevent outbreaks. Daily suppressive therapy for symptomatic herpes can also reduce the risk of transmission to a lover. A latex condom, when used consistently and correctly, can also reduce the risk of transmitting genital herpes. It is wisest to abstain from sexual contact during an outbreak to avoid transmission.

It is admirable that you want to be honest and forthright with your future sex partners. Having genital herpes can certainly cause distress for the person who is infected and their (potential) partner. That doesn’t mean, however, that your sex life is over. First, know that this is an overwhelming issue and while it’s personal, you can’t take any reactions to it personally. It takes a lot of courage to share and people tend to appreciate how hard it is to divulge. They’re also grateful that they’ve been informed. If a person doesn’t want to sleep with you, they’re rejecting the infection – not you. 

In telling a partner about your status, it is wise to share before you become sexually intimate. You can calmly say something like, “I really like how things are going with us. So before we become intimate, we need to talk about safer sex and STDs. I mention this because I have herpes and feel strongly that you need to know this in protecting yourself should we choose to become more intimate…” Having herpes doesn’t always affect one’s sex life as much as initially feared. Just make sure you educate yourself about the disease, manage it well, and minimize its impact on your life. A support group may also help you to cope. The more you know about your infection, the easier it will be for you to share, for you to relieve any of your partner’s fears, and to correct any myths or misinformation.

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”